Open relationships question

[xxww]

I never understood open relationships and I never will so I have a few questions. So please try to make me understand them.

1. Why would anyone want a open relationship?

2. Why do it seem like most of the time there is a lack of something in the relationship that leads to the open relationship?

3. Why wouldn't it be better to just be single?

4. Do you ever feel like you're in competition with people your partner meet?

5. How would you feel if you partner seems to enjoy someone else more than you, to the point you maybe losing your partner to them?

I always thought open relationships to me seem like a last resort to a break up. 

[tighthole64]

I have asked guys in open relationships before.  Many times it is that their partner cant totally satisfy them, mostly because of medical reasons.  To some of them, it is somewhat of a turn on, and they end up having 3 ways together.  That happened once when I met a guy in an open relationship.  Both of the guys were in an open relationship, very loving and trusting of each other.  They had been coupled for quite some time, and enjoyed a good sex life from what they told me, but enjoyed spicing things up. They agreed to an open relationship with the agreement that they would discuss any hookups before they happened, and preferred know rather than having their partner sneak behind their back.

[bigdick4you]

Because it's not in most men's DNA to be faithful...the passion might go but that doesn't mean u don't love each other anymore...for me it's a turn on seeing my man get used by other men while I know he will be sleeping in my bed afterwards. U will only worry about him leaving u for somebody else if u have insecurity issues...u also need good basic rules...what is allowed and what is not...me and my husband used to pay together and separately before he went frigid...i used to have other men use him or he or me would hook up with others separately . There needs to be a certain amount of trust though...one of my rules would be we don't hook up with friends or go on dates...now the fun is pretty much gone...for over a year I haven't had sex with him as he went total cold on me and calls me pushy and insensitive...I still have sex with others as I'm a guy with an healthy sexual appetite. I love my husband so I stay with him .

[evilqueerpig]

I was in a 10 year open relationship with my ex and from the beginning, we knew we both weren't capable of monogamy, but we never played as a couple, nor did we discuss what we did with others.  What ended the relationship was my ex breaking my trust and while I wouldn't rule out another open relationship, I remain a bit gunshy.

[evilalex]

Because sex ≠ love

[Guest Dickmagnet]

1 hour ago, evilalex said:

Because sex ≠ love

I agree too because sex is sex but love is something completely different. Things i would do with a lover i would never do with just a fuck.

Edited August 16, 2017 by Dickmagnet
auto correct mistakes

[Ozpig]

They are good and valid questions. It is very much up to the individual. In my instance I could not be in a relationship where it was monogamous so I make sure any prospective partner knows that from day one. I am a slut, I enjoy being a slut - but that does not mean I cannot love. It is just that my sexual needs are very high and in an ideal world I would get fucked 10-12 times a day and often I reach that number, and no one partner can meet that demand. But I am open and honest about it. I have had sex with partners - and it has been great - but they have finished and I am just warming up. And, my stray fucks are just that - don't want to know their names - so it is not compicated

[xxww]

I guess that's okay. I'm just not seeing why you need a glorified fuck buddy. I guess my confusion is the unnecessary attachment to a partner. I understand the love is different from sex but it will never make sense to me. For me a relationship is exclusive to partners, if you're fucking everyone there's no exclusiveness to it. That's your partner and everyone else partner too, anyone can get it. Also if I can't get what I need out of a relationship then we don't need to be. I don't care how much I love you, we are just wasting each other's time. I would rather be single and be friends with benefits. But hey I'm not judging open relationships, I'm not in one so it doesn't bother me. I just know it wouldn't work for me, we can be friends with benefits but definitely not with a unless title.

[MuscledHorse]

13 minutes ago, xxww said:

I guess that's okay. I'm just not seeing why you need a glorified fuck buddy. I guess my confusion is the unnecessary attachment to a partner. I understand the love is different from sex but it will never make sense to me. For me a relationship is exclusive to partners, if you're fucking everyone there's no exclusiveness to it. That's your partner and everyone else partner too, anyone can get it. Also if I can't get what I need out of a relationship then we don't need to be. I don't care how much I love you, we are just wasting each other's time. I would rather be single and be friends with benefits. But hey I'm not judging open relationships, I'm not in one so it doesn't bother me. I just know it wouldn't work for me, we can be friends with benefits but definitely not with a unless title.

No, that's what you're not getting. You are lumping everything together. Physical exclusivity is different from emotional exclusivity. The act of mating for pleasure is not the same is being devoted to someone emotionally. You always hear the advice given to people (str8 or gay) that "you should marry your best friend." And that's very much what a open relationship is. You and your partner put each other first emotionally and you are there for each other 100% and you enjoy sex for the male pleasure sport that it is. When you are together sexually there is an added emotional depth the sport play doesn't have. That's the difference.

[drscorpio]

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9. We were monogamous for the first 6 years of our relationship. We opened the relationship up because we missed the variety; we both were big whores when we were single. Also, he is one of those tops who really gets off on watching other men fuck and breed his bottom which fortunately turns me on, too. And he is really into spanking and I am not. I am happy to get spanked by him, but that isn't the same thing as a bottom who gets off on being spanked. Finally, I have a much higher sex drive than him, and he travels a lot. My being able to get laid while he is away helps. 

All that said, he is still my husband. We own a house together. We own cars together. We take care of each other when one of us is sick. We currently are caring for his sick mother in our home. He is the most important person in the world to me. He is my confidant and my friend. I have no need for emotional intimacy with anyone else. 

I think there is a lot less monogamy in the straight world than we are told. I know plenty of hetero couples who play around on the side. In fact until the mid 20th century, that was sort of expected. Once they were done having kids, the woman was free to say she was done with sex, and the husband was free to discretely find sex elsewhere. 

[Rawdawg13]

2 hours ago, drscorpio said:

My being able to get laid while he is away helps.

 

@drscorpio-- Is that a challenge where you live??

@xxww--  On my partner and I's first date he told me that he had NEVER not eventually cheated on past BFs.  On our one year anniversary he said "Wow, I've never gone a whole year without cheating,  it must be love!"  On our second anniversary he didn't say shit... so I knew!  So from day one we always knew that eventually we would open it up.  (BTW, I highly recommend reading all the Dan Savage you can.  He is a sex advice columnist, author, gay right activist, genius, etc...I owe a lot of my own personal and relationship happiness to Dan.)  I just don't believe in monogamy.  I mean I believe it exists...it not Big Foot or the Loch Ness monster!  I just believe that we as mammals, and don't forget that we are nothing more than animals with car keys, are not programmed for monogamy.  Its in our DNA.  In the entire animal kingdom I think there are only three or four species scattered through out the entire clave of life forms that practice monogamy.  

Also, on the subject of rules..and everyone is different and must do what works for them.  Most couples have rules by which they live.  This is what works for us.  The rules are...we have no rules!  For us when you start setting perimeters like, "Catholics are fine but not during lent on Fridays,  and only with people whose name starts with S and ends with Q, and never a vegetarian unless they eat fish, etc..." that when things become dicey.  That when it becomes easy to fuck up and accidentally hurt someones feelings and not even mean to for no good reason.  There are one or two things that we live by and its not rules as much as it is just the way we live.  Like no romance with our fuck buddies.  Neither of us is looking for anything other than dick anyway and that just keeps it neat and clean.   And lots of communication.  Just keep talking and communicating.  And thats it.  Those are our...not rules...commandments??  No, that totally doesn't sound right.  Beliefs.  Those are our beliefs.

I can't even explain to you how much closer its brought us.  And our interpersonal sex life is through the roof and off the chain!  I get a hard just listening about an encounter he had.  Hell, I get a hard on watching him have an encounter.   And vise versa.  I guess its not for everyone but mark my words and I'll sign it...eventually someone will stray.  My aunt and uncle married for 48 years were always my go-to example that people can have long term relationships.  Last year we found out my Uncle has been cheating for years.  So yes--eventually someone will stray.  Its literally in our genes (and jeans!) to spread seed.

[drscorpio]

10 hours ago, Rawdawg13 said:

@drscorpio-- Is that a challenge where you live??

Honestly my biggest issue nowadays is my living situation. My mother-in-law has been living with us for a couple of years since she broke her hip. I just don't feel comfortable tricking in our house, and not being able to host makes it more difficult. Usually, I only get a chance to play when I am traveling for business, or my husband and his mom are visiting relatives. 

We live in a college town, so there are always young, horny guys with daddy fetishes looking to play when I have the ability to host. 

[NLbear]

I have been single for so long now that I cannot imagine starting a new relationship and setting up house together. The one time I did that I ended up with nothing when it ended and I swore that would never happen to me again. That relationship turned out to be not very fulfilling sexually anyway because he had a very low sex drive while mine is high. Hung like a horse but never in the mood. Maybe that's why I turned away from guys when things started to look serious. Wasn't ready for that at that time (cold feet?) and stayed single. 

Being single for so long I am used to do whatever I please and not having to compromise or to take someone else into account. I do miss a soulmate though and when you get older you do start thinking what your situation will be like 20 years from now. But I try not to think about that too much. IF I would get into a relationship it would probably be a LAT type and open. I like living alone too much after all these years. Maybe a FWB (or several) would suit me better than having a steady partner (open or closed). It offers friendship and sex in one person without the relationship. Now I have one regular FB and one that may become one. Plus one-time hook-ups.

I also do miss (just) friendship with other gay guys. I moved back to my small(er) hometown across the country from where I used to live a few years ago when I lost my job there and had to sell my house. It's difficult to meet new people and build up new friendships when you don't have a job. Let alone meeting gay guys (this town not having gay bars or meeting places). You hardly meet anyone. So for the moment I just focus on finding guys for sex which are usually online hook-ups. Works for now but I realise this will decrease the older you get, certainly as a bottom. I sometimes envy couples in a relationship (open or closed) but basically I am happy to be a single guy.

[cheatingjock]

@NLbear LAT?

[NLbear]

@cheatingjock Living Apart Together. Both living at their own place but committed to each other. Don't really think I can do that (too promiscuous) but that would be as far as I would go. Certainly not moving in.