What the hell is wrong with me?

[Guest BlueBear4044]

I don’t know if this is the right place for this, but here goes. I am 18 and recently stumbled up this forum. I haven’t been able to stop reading the bug fetish section for two days. I get so turned on by all of it and have literally been shaking because of how [banned word] it is. It makes me feel like an awful person  the fact that I get so turned on by stories of guys stealthing someone without them knowing. Or by converting as many people as possible. “The Brotherhood”. It’s so fucked up and wrong. And then people say “once you’ve discovered bug chasing it’ll stay in your mind forever”. Fuck that! I’ve been trying to stay off this forum for the past two days and always get right back on and hour after cumming. I also want to make it clear I do not want hiv I do not want to give people hiv at all, but it all turns me on. I’ve never had sex and I plan to get married and be monogamous. Im partly glad I found this forum because I’ve always been paranoid of hiv, but now I am more than ever. I will literally never trust anybody. Idk I’m so mixed because this is something I’ve never thought about and just wish I had never heard about it to begin with. And it makes me paranoid cause I’m like “do I like this?” “Do you want hiv?” Like bitch NO, obviously I don’t. I really am having trouble articulating this, but it makes me feel evil and I don’t want any part of it but here I am. I am a rational person who possess critical thinking skills I would obviously never willingly give myself hiv but the risk people talk about and how it turns them on scares me.

[Ranger Rick]

How does one "stumble upon" this site?

[drscorpio]

@BlueBear4044, people are attracted to things they find exciting whether or not they want to actually do them. I love watching videos about skydiving, base jumping, and wingsuits, but I am way too petrified by heights to ever do those things. Bugchasing is extreme and dangerous; humans are attracted to those kinds of things. Maybe it's more than that for you, but it doesn't have to be. 

If you are sexually active you should consider getting on PrEP. There are untrustworthy guys out there. If you protect yourself, you don't have to worry about what they do. 

[Jessyboy]

Get on PrEP and you are right reading this site is like a drug as I have been on PrEP since I turned 15. BB sex is so natural as once you do it you want to do it more and more. 

[Veytoss]

I suggest to follow my brief guide

 

[MykBruce]

12 hours ago, drscorpio said:

If you are sexually active you should consider getting on PrEP. There are untrustworthy guys out there. If you protect yourself, you don't have to worry about what they do. 

Get the Prep.   best way to  protect yourself.  

When you get excited by some thing you find a way to get back to it.  Get  the prep.

 there are untrusworthy guys out there...  

[Loveitraw]

People are drawn to the dangerous and the [banned word].  It’s always been the case. Whatever you can find that is “mainstream” or “normal” there will always exist an alternative, subversive mirror.  The important thing to remember is that a lot of what you find here falls squarely within the realm of fantasy and fetishising of things that you wouldn’t necessarily discuss at Sunday lunch, unless you have a very particular household.

I am HIV positive. It’s not a picnic but it’s also not the horror show that some would have you believe. The hardest part is how people look at you when they know.

I find this place to be somewhere I can lose masks and shields and be accepted, albeit anonymously, without judgement.

If you have fun while here I can assure you there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Explore your libido. It’s only when your enjoyment effects that of others that people will, rightfully, question your choices.

[viking8x6]

12 hours ago, drscorpio said:

...people are attracted to things they find exciting whether or not they want to actually do them...

 

This is very true. I felt pretty alarmed and confused (but also turned on) when I discovered the bug chasing fetish, years ago (in fact before this forum even existed). To reassure you, @BlueBear4044 , that was probably 20 years ago, or nearly so, and I lived in SF at the time. It was years before PrEP became available. I'm still HIV negative, now on PrEP, and feel much more comfortable about acknowledging the excitement and exploring it, within the boundaries that I decide are appropriate in practical and emotional terms.

In that way, it's really not different from any other fetish or hazardous activity, some of which have the potential for lasting physical or psychological harm. Responsible adults learn to negotiate the risk in the world and control their interaction with it.  That can be safe words and boundary negotiation for BDSM play, PrEP and/or condoms for sex, or any number of other things. To follow up @drscorpio's example, I personally have done technical rock climbing (up a vertical cliff), using ropes and gear to reduce the hazard of a serious fall, and downhill skiing, using releasable bindings to prevent a broken leg. At least once while skiing, I did fall badly enough that without that releasable binding I almost certainly would have broken my ankle. I also do wildcrafting, including mushrooms, and eat some of the things I gather. There are mushrooms out there that are toxic enough that one bite can kill you (literally). I've found and identified one. I've also found, identified, and eaten at least a dozen different types of (non-poisonous) mushrooms. So... you pays your money, you takes your choice. Nothing is absolutely safe this side of the grave, but there's no need to worry about it, we'll get there sooner or later anyway. Best enjoy the ride!

That brings me to the question of why we find it so compelling. Believe me, for bug chasing, I was just as puzzled as you (BlueBear). And that is true even to last week. But your post here along with drscorpio's reply reminded me of an insight I had ages ago (1985 if memory serves). Possibly to be taken with a grain of salt, as I was in a mind-altered state at the time. Here's my theory:

It is a fundamental facet of human nature to want to push the envelope. Risk-taking is baked in to every one of us at a deep biological level. Some people have more of this tendency than others, but every one of us has some of it; it's unavoidable. That part of us want to deliberately explore everything we can get away with; to find our limits and extend them as far as possible without destroying ourselves completely. If there's not some possibility that we've reached the point where we might truly destroy ourselves completely, we haven't gone far enough; in fact, that's how that part of us knows that we haven't gone far enough.

If you think about it from the viewpoint of evolutionary biology, this trait gives the species as a whole (although not necessarily the individuals) an incredible evolutionary advantage. It means that, as a species, we are wired to exploit every available resource, and every resource to which we can adapt (or which we can bend to our purposes) absolutely to the fullest. And if you look at the history of our species, that's exactly what we have done! We have completely dominated the entire planet and its resources, including environments where we could never survive in our "natural" state, and even sent out ambassadors beyond the planet itself. That's a heck of a track record. And I think the argument that it would not have happened without a human trait to risk self-destruction holds together pretty nicely.

So, there's your philosophy rant for this week. There's no reason to feel alarmed or guilty about challenging, or even fetishizing, t-a-b-o-o-s. It's human nature to play with fire.

[bihairy]

16 hours ago, BlueBear4044 said:

I don’t know if this is the right place for this, but here goes. I am 18 and recently stumbled up this forum. I haven’t been able to stop reading the bug fetish section for two days. I get so turned on by all of it and have literally been shaking because of how [banned word] it is. It makes me feel like an awful person  the fact that I get so turned on by stories of guys stealthing someone without them knowing. Or by converting as many people as possible. “The Brotherhood”. It’s so fucked up and wrong. And then people say “once you’ve discovered bug chasing it’ll stay in your mind forever”. Fuck that! I’ve been trying to stay off this forum for the past two days and always get right back on and hour after cumming. I also want to make it clear I do not want hiv I do not want to give people hiv at all, but it all turns me on. I’ve never had sex and I plan to get married and be monogamous. Im partly glad I found this forum because I’ve always been paranoid of hiv, but now I am more than ever. I will literally never trust anybody. Idk I’m so mixed because this is something I’ve never thought about and just wish I had never heard about it to begin with. And it makes me paranoid cause I’m like “do I like this?” “Do you want hiv?” Like bitch NO, obviously I don’t. I really am having trouble articulating this, but it makes me feel evil and I don’t want any part of it but here I am. I am a rational person who possess critical thinking skills I would obviously never willingly give myself hiv but the risk people talk about and how it turns them on scares me.

Is it the bug chasing that turns you on? The m2m sex? or the barebacking?  I am on PReP myself because I love to bareback and love m2m. I personally don't desire HIV but I don't ask status because I've protected myself. In fact, I do fuck with several undet. buddies. I'm having the best sex of my life.  And it makes me want more and more and more!

Edited April 15, 2020 by bihairy
spelling

[leatherpunk16]

I came to this site in my grief a few weeks after my husband suddenly died. I think I was looking for a way out myself, or maybe just a form of escapism. And two years later, I'm still visiting daily. It's no longer out of a need to escape or to get bugged up so I can die and be with him again. I met some good people here, and formed some friendships. Plus the sharing and discussion is interesting to me, and the fiction distracts me from real world issues. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You don't have to bugchase to be on this site. There are plenty of people here who come back for similar reasons. You can also be here for education. One must know BOTH sides to have an answer for themselves, and each of us is different. So don't beat yourself up over visiting this site. It's obvious you want to be here, so just enjoy it and learn from the other users. There's no shame or judgment except from the occasional troll.

[parvenu]

I desperately want to be on prep and finally start taking raw loads yet feel too shy to ask - so stupid I know as if i finally go for it and get HIV i have to take meds for life anyway, its annoying but taking raw cock is so damn fucking good, its a drug that makes going to an office or family dinner or other bullshit solely meaningless. A lot of us really missed the golden era - being Romans all fucking each other day and night with slaves haha

[Swampboi]

On 4/18/2020 at 11:37 PM, parvenu said:

I desperately want to be on prep and finally start taking raw loads yet feel too shy to ask - so stupid I know as if i finally go for it and get HIV i have to take meds for life anyway, its annoying but taking raw cock is so damn fucking good, its a drug that makes going to an office or family dinner or other bullshit solely meaningless. A lot of us really missed the golden era - being Romans all fucking each other day and night with slaves haha

Dude. Just ask your dr. Take it from someone who’s had to have his dr look at his genitals and give him multiple shots in the ass. 
 

You just have to ask.