I think I'm falling for someone

[Alchemist]

@BareLover666 hey and thanks for ur post. I think quoting Madonna was awesome. I live in Greece and I'm in the closet cause my family wouldn't accept it. It's not that if people at my work knew I was gay something big would happen. They could call me faggot behind my back or make a silly joke, but nothing further. However religious people tend to be over ehm.. reactive? But still, it wouldn't be the  end of the world. I'm trapped in a situation where i don't feel "threatened" enough to be 100% hidden but I don't feel 100% safe to uncloset myself. I agree with u, I need to be more open.

 

@tallslenderguy that was a very interesting story you have. I am sure that religious enviroments can be.. brutal. Sometmes women like me because I'm in the closet and I don't look like a gay looks (based on their stereotypes). I feel very stressed when a girl/woman touches me. I have also a story that u may find interesting. I grew up in the US, in a small town. Although it's a memory I try to forget, most of the people (if not all) are blissfully unaware of this. I was abused several times by my step father. And I always thought that it was my fault, that since i'm gay I provoke it. But I was too silly and it never crossed my mind that he should not do that despite my sexuality. I met a guy there (we were 13), a classmate. When I saw him I fell in love. It made me feel that It was okay being gay. That thing that I felt in my heart, it just couldn't be something bad. It was the most precious feeling I had ever felt. We were best friends. I hadn't sexualise all that, I just wanted to be with him, to hang around. He was ginger with green eyes. I think that we loved each other. We didnt exactly know, but our friends knew it somehow. They didnt took us for a couple, but for example when i was at the hospital they would come and say "oh where is your ginger?" and things lke that. When I left the states, the last day he told me "don't be a stranger" and he was almost crying. I never managed to find him again on social etc. So.. apart from my ginger guy, the guy i started the thread about.. he's the second guy that I feel for..

[Guest WelshBBCigarFuck]

Hi Alchemist, please don’t take this the wrong way but it does seem as though you are lonely (in the respect of longing for a partner).

It reads as though you may be taking friendship and familiarity with you as more than it is and are pinning your hopes on a guy suddenly falling for you. Whilst romantically this would make a lovely story, in reality if you aren’t careful he may pick up on the fact you want more than a friend and he may not be comfortable with that fact. Whilst a lot of straight men are comfortable having gay friends, having a gay friend who you suddenly realise wants more than friendship can be uncomfortable for a straight guy and rapidly end the friendship, sometimes with unpleasant words or actions. The fact you aren’t “out” makes things even more risky as it’s not just the fact that he may be uncomfortable that you have feelings towards him but if he has no idea you are gay then he may also take issue with that.

My Gaydar is useless, I can’t tell a gay guy from a straight guy by just meeting them and unless something is said in conversation that makes the fact blatantly obvious then I just assume a guy is straight. Even if your friend was curious, it wouldn’t necessarily be any more than that, some straight men do fool around with other guys, but they would rather be in a relationship with a woman.

You will eventually find someone who is also gay, become friends and things may well develop from there. If there are any clubs or groups for gay men where you are, perhaps start going and chatting to people, see what develops. You will have far more success and far less heartache if you don’t allow yourself to allow a friendship to become an infatuation, whether that be with a straight man or a gay man.

Treat friendships as friendships, don’t start imagining and fantasising about what you could have with the other person and then try to turn the friendship into more than what it is - if things are going to happen, let them happen at the speed the other person is comfortable with and, if they don’t happen, you still have a friend. Trying to rush a friendship into being more at too quick a speed can scare people away.  I’ve had friends who have met people, got on well and then it’s ended as fast as it began, all because they rushed things and scared the other person off.

Please don’t take any of this as me trying to dismiss your feelings, we all have them, it’s just having those feelings with the appropriate person and, unfortunately, most straight men are just that (straight) and falling for someone you can’t have will hurt you emotionally.

[Alchemist]

27 minutes ago, WelshBBCigarFuck said:

Hi Alchemist, please don’t take this the wrong way but it does seem as though you are lonely (in the respect of longing for a partner).

It reads as though you may be taking friendship and familiarity with you as more than it is and are pinning your hopes on a guy suddenly falling for you. Whilst romantically this would make a lovely story, in reality if you aren’t careful he may pick up on the fact you want more than a friend and he may not be comfortable with that fact. Whilst a lot of straight men are comfortable having gay friends, having a gay friend who you suddenly realise wants more than friendship can be uncomfortable for a straight guy and rapidly end the friendship, sometimes with unpleasant words or actions. The fact you aren’t “out” makes things even more risky as it’s not just the fact that he may be uncomfortable that you have feelings towards him but if he has no idea you are gay then he may also take issue with that.

My Gaydar is useless, I can’t tell a gay guy from a straight guy by just meeting them and unless something is said in conversation that makes the fact blatantly obvious then I just assume a guy is straight. Even if your friend was curious, it wouldn’t necessarily be any more than that, some straight men do fool around with other guys, but they would rather be in a relationship with a woman.

You will eventually find someone who is also gay, become friends and things may well develop from there. If there are any clubs or groups for gay men where you are, perhaps start going and chatting to people, see what develops. You will have far more success and far less heartache if you don’t allow yourself to allow a friendship to become an infatuation, whether that be with a straight man or a gay man.

Treat friendships as friendships, don’t start imagining and fantasising about what you could have with the other person and then try to turn the friendship into more than what it is - if things are going to happen, let them happen at the speed the other person is comfortable with and, if they don’t happen, you still have a friend. Trying to rush a friendship into being more at too quick a speed can scare people away.  I’ve had friends who have met people, got on well and then it’s ended as fast as it began, all because they rushed things and scared the other person off.

Please don’t take any of this as me trying to dismiss your feelings, we all have them, it’s just having those feelings with the appropriate person and, unfortunately, most straight men are just that (straight) and falling for someone you can’t have will hurt you emotionally.

No offence taken, don't worry. Well, I did have a partner with whom we were happy together. Or maybe we should be happy. He was cute, he loved me. I was cute, I cared for him. But something I felt hollow. I never had the courage to tell about the days in the US. Only my accent can give my secret away. I think I need both friends and a lover. Not in the same person, necessarily. I hope it won't sound too cheesy, but when I lost all the friends of my adolescence, my ginger included, I lost interest in having someone that close.

So about the guy, I make plans in my head about how this could work. There is a sparkle, I can feel it. Whether a fire can be lit, remains to be found. He told me something about him, a small confession actually and that made me trust him with a secret of mine. I told him I had a hard time in the US but I didn't dare to tell him details. He was so interested about that. And I asked him if he wants to sleep at my place (his gf will leave Athens for the weekend) and he said yes.

[Guest WelshBBCigarFuck]

2 minutes ago, Alchemist said:

No offence taken, don't worry. Well, I did have a partner with whom we were happy together. Or maybe we should be happy. He was cute, he loved me. I was cute, I cared for him. But something I felt hollow. I never had the courage to tell about the days in the US. Only my accent can give my secret away. I think I need both friends and a lover. Not in the same person, necessarily. I hope it won't sound too cheesy, but when I lost all the friends of my adolescence, my ginger included, I lost interest in having someone that close.

So about the guy, I make plans in my head about how this could work. There is a sparkle, I can feel it. Whether a fire can be lit, remains to be found. He told me something about him, a small confession actually and that made me trust him with a secret of mine. I told him I had a hard time in the US but I didn't dare to tell him details. He was so interested about that. And I asked him if he wants to sleep at my place (his gf will leave Athens for the weekend) and he said yes.

Please be careful about acting on the “sparkle” as you can’t know for certain whether it means the same for him as it means for you. Also be careful about divulging any details that could severely alter the dynamic about the 2 of you. If he doesn’t know you are gay then he may be staying over in the way straight guys do, to talk, drink and just relax, if you drop a bombshell about your sexuality and he really isn’t expecting it then that will alter the dynamic. Have you ever mentioned homosexuality in a conversation with him (not about yourself but just generally), to see what views he has on the subject - this is just about protecting yourself and not making him uncomfortable or potentially angry about a situation.

[Alchemist]

1 minute ago, WelshBBCigarFuck said:

Please be careful about acting on the “sparkle” as you can’t know for certain whether it means the same for him as it means for you. Also be careful about divulging any details that could severely alter the dynamic about the 2 of you. If he doesn’t know you are gay then he may be staying over in the way straight guys do, to talk, drink and just relax, if you drop a bombshell about your sexuality and he really isn’t expecting it then that will alter the dynamic. Have you ever mentioned homosexuality in a conversation with him (not about yourself but just generally), to see what views he has on the subject - this is just about protecting yourself and not making him uncomfortable or potentially angry about a situation.

Actually I don't know if the thinks I'm gay. So maybe ths could be a thing str8 people do. But you know, even drinking a beer or watching a movie with him feels nice. I need some fun, even if it's a night out. No I haven't mentioned anything about gay people but we watched It (part 2) that there was a gay (almost) romance inside. He didn't comment it (which for the standards of greece is a good thing). I don't think he would be "angry" with gay people. He is a calm person so far. And he complains often about church. He said that I should go back to America because I would make money there (everybody thinks that when someone goes to the states becomes rich in a magical way). My American father wasn't rich though. Whatever. He said "take me with u" for fun. So.. what I do know about him.. he doesn't have any obvious negative feelings about gay guys and he is having fun with me. Oh he also bought me a book (it, the book of the movie we watched) which i found very kind. I should take him something in exchange.

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, Alchemist said:

Actually I don't know if the thinks I'm gay. So maybe ths could be a thing str8 people do. But you know, even drinking a beer or watching a movie with him feels nice. I need some fun, even if it's a night out. No I haven't mentioned anything about gay people but we watched It (part 2) that there was a gay (almost) romance inside. He didn't comment it (which for the standards of greece is a good thing). I don't think he would be "angry" with gay people. He is a calm person so far. And he complains often about church. He said that I should go back to America because I would make money there (everybody thinks that when someone goes to the states becomes rich in a magical way). My American father wasn't rich though. Whatever. He said "take me with u" for fun. So.. what I do know about him.. he doesn't have any obvious negative feelings about gay guys and he is having fun with me. Oh he also bought me a book (it, the book of the movie we watched) which i found very kind. I should take him something in exchange.

He said "take me with u."  Did he mention he wants you to take his girlfriend with you too, or just him?  

Of course, we are all just speculating here, none of us can tell you what to do or not do, this is solely your decision how to play this. These are all just speculative thoughts and ideas. 

That said, i'll offer a different point of view. Would a real friend reject you because of your sexuality?  And, how good a friend is someone you feel the need to hide from?  

One thing that does make sense to me is, if you do decide to come out to him, that i would not combine that with telling him you are falling or have fallen for him. See how he responds to you being gay and if he is cool with that, in time, you will know whether or not you should tell him how you feel about him? 

in a heteronormative culture, it is assumed without ever having to say that if there is a male and female it can turn romantic. It doesn't have to be spoken, that tension is unconsciously assumed. It's different for gays because, unless you are open or have a rainbow t shirt or some other identifier, you are not really known until you come out. Like you i get women hitting on me at the hospital where i work, and that's usually the time i come out... yet again. Seems like i am forever "coming out," because i am not what most seem to deem stereotypically gay. You'd think these women would talk among themselves and word would get around, but no... doesn't seem to have happened. 

[bbzh]

I think it's quite healthy for gay men to have close platonic friendships with straight men. I have such a situation. I am attracted to him. He knows I'm gay. He's married (to a woman) who knows about me. I do think he may be closeted, but that's for him to sort out. He's a good friend. That's all that counts. 

Do yourself a huge favor and get some dick/ass elsewhere. And don't fuck this co-worker or any future ones either.  You think you're feeling conflicted now? Just imagine how you'll feel if you start fucking him and things turn sour. Run all the scenarios in your head, not just the positive ones.

Why is it that when some of us form a deep emotional attachment to someone, we think the final frontier is to be sexual? Enjoy what you have. Don't mess it up trying to make it into what you want it to be.

Why not concentrate on meeting and building something with a gay man? Your options may be limited where you live so maybe it might be someone in another location. That will be healthier for you in the long run than longing for this co-worker. He sees you as a friend. He may even be sexually curious about you, but not every fantasy needs to become a reality.  

You come across as a warm, caring and very sensitive guy who is lonely.  Protect your heart. Find a therapist to talk this out, even if it's online. Take a vacation someplace warm and get laid, ok? 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, bbzh said:

I think it's quite healthy for gay men to have close platonic friendships with straight men. I have such a situation. I am attracted to him. He knows I'm gay. He's married (to a woman) who knows about me. I do think he may be closeted, but that's for him to sort out. He's a good friend. That's all that counts. 

Do yourself a huge favor and get some dick/ass elsewhere. And don't fuck this co-worker or any future ones either.  You think you're feeling conflicted now? Just imagine how you'll feel if you start fucking him and things turn sour. Run all the scenarios in your head, not just the positive ones.

Why is it that when some of us form a deep emotional attachment to someone, we think the final frontier is to be sexual? Enjoy what you have. Don't mess it up trying to make it into what you want it to be.

Why not concentrate on meeting and building something with a gay man? Your options may be limited where you live so maybe it might be someone in another location. That will be healthier for you in the long run than longing for this co-worker. He sees you as a friend. He may even be sexually curious about you, but not every fantasy needs to become a reality.  

You come across as a warm, caring and very sensitive guy who is lonely.  Protect your heart. Find a therapist to talk this out, even if it's online. Take a vacation someplace warm and get laid, ok? 

Hear, hear!
I think this is the most helpful contribution and advice in one post in response to your topic so far @Alchemist.

Of course you are free to do whatever you want, but right now you're constructing a fantasy world inside your head where your co-worker-friend is Prince Charming and you are Cinderella. You really need to start living.

 

13 hours ago, Alchemist said:

Actually I don't know if the thinks I'm gay.

Why do you think he doesn't know or suspect after the 'joke' you made about the guy you could sleep with,  after which he quipped that anyone who did that should be shot? 

I really think you are not hearing what your friend is saying, or seeing his friendship for what it is - which is a good friendship from what I can tell - unless in reinforces your romantic fantasies about him.

 

13 hours ago, Alchemist said:

I don't think he would be "angry" with gay people. He is a calm person so far. And he complains often about church. He said that I should go back to America because I would make money there (everybody thinks that when someone goes to the states becomes rich in a magical way).

I really think he did hear you, he does realise you are gay and as a friend he might be telling you that to be happy you need to change the situation and even perhaps move to live a more happy and less closeted life.

 

15 hours ago, Alchemist said:

 I live in Greece and I'm in the closet cause my family wouldn't accept it. It's not that if people at my work knew I was gay something big would happen. They could call me faggot behind my back or make a silly joke, but nothing further. However religious people tend to be over ehm.. reactive? But still, it wouldn't be the  end of the world. I'm trapped in a situation where i don't feel "threatened" enough to be 100% hidden but I don't feel 100% safe to uncloset myself. I agree with u, I need to be more open.

You don't necessarily need te be more open or come out of the closet completely.
I really do think you need to live. 

I'm happy for you you've found this website as that's one way to come into contact with other gay (and bisexual) men. Why are you not (or at least you haven't told us about it) going out where you see other gay men? Making friends with people who are like you in this respect?

You do realise it's not your family or Greek society but it's you who are trapping yourself, don't you?

 

13 hours ago, Alchemist said:

Oh he also bought me a book (it, the book of the movie we watched) which i found very kind. I should take him something in exchange.

No, you actually don't have to. 

Friendship are not - or at least shouldn't be - about the actual presents. He is showing you what being a friend is, by having bought you something because you might actually like you.
He knows you enjoyed the movies 'It' and so he got you the book by Stephen King. That's indeed a kind thing to do, something a friend would do - nothing more than a friend mind you - and perhaps his way of thanking you for having him over to watch the movies.

Your friend deserves not be made into your fairy-tale prince, and being appreciated for being your friend. 

Friendships are precious and rare enough as it is.

[onyourknees]

On 11/16/2021 at 8:34 AM, Alchemist said:

I'm 29, he's 32. We work together. Not exactly colleagues, we just happen at times to help each other. By chance, we found out that we're neighbours. From the first time I saw him, I liked him. Not sexually (at least not only sexually). I don't know how I should put this. Looking at him makes me feel nice. Since then we talk quite a lot, we even partcipated in a sports even together and took a photo together that we posted on social media. However, he does have a girlfriend with whom they live together (not married though). So I said okay he's str8, you should "protect" urself. But.. I don't know. It feels like he wants to contact me. No sexual hints involved but we have fun together. We make each other laugh, we hold nice conversations. We even talk at night via messenger. And I'm confused.

Grow up and find someone who's outwardly speaking about being single and wanting to be with someone - 

You aren't fantasizing about someone in a poly relationship. You're projecting onto someone in a straight relationship you have a crush on - and so I repeat: grow up. 

[Alchemist]

First of all I'm so happy that I can make posts again. I dunno why the forum won't let me post more than 3 (I think) messages here.

20 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

He said "take me with u."  Did he mention he wants you to take his girlfriend with you too, or just him?  

Of course, we are all just speculating here, none of us can tell you what to do or not do, this is solely your decision how to play this. These are all just speculative thoughts and ideas. 

That said, i'll offer a different point of view. Would a real friend reject you because of your sexuality?  And, how good a friend is someone you feel the need to hide from?  

One thing that does make sense to me is, if you do decide to come out to him, that i would not combine that with telling him you are falling or have fallen for him. See how he responds to you being gay and if he is cool with that, in time, you will know whether or not you should tell him how you feel about him? 

in a heteronormative culture, it is assumed without ever having to say that if there is a male and female it can turn romantic. It doesn't have to be spoken, that tension is unconsciously assumed. It's different for gays because, unless you are open or have a rainbow t shirt or some other identifier, you are not really known until you come out. Like you i get women hitting on me at the hospital where i work, and that's usually the time i come out... yet again. Seems like i am forever "coming out," because i am not what most seem to deem stereotypically gay. You'd think these women would talk among themselves and word would get around, but no... doesn't seem to have happened. 

Well I suppose it's one of the things u say without actually meaning them, just because it sounds "fun" like "oh everything sucks here take me with u to another planet" or whatever

About real friends.. i don't know. If he can think for himself (and not being let's say brainwashed by stupid stereotypes) i suppose he would be cool with that. About the women hitting on u, I feel u. Most of them ready mysterious/charming doctor that waits for his princess or something. I've been called gay once bcz I have a tattoo with 7 names on my chest. Only one of them belongs to a girl and a guy called me a faggot that i was ganbanged by the owners of these names. And he would insult me and hit me without me fighting back. that was funny because I was taller and stronger (I do boxing). One time he called me faggot he punched me in the face and made me bleed. So I punched him back several times and I told him  aye, i'm a faggot and i pretty much like it. And that could be my first coming out story haha.

 

@bbzh your message is so true. So so true. When I had that ginger guy that I really loved (as a friend) I wanted to touch him. Not fuck with him. More like hugging him. And that hug made me happy. I guess strong emotions could be expressed via sex? Maybe it gets too intense and being verbal (I love you) or a quick hug is not enough. Maybe there are cases that sex serves just to show how you love someone. Btw,when my ginger friend would touch me/hug me I would fall asleep. 

 

@BareLover666 I agree with what u say. And i'm glad I found this site bcz i can just communicate. Gays in a close distance would want to fuck not talk. I do need to get him something back, not about the value but about the meaning of giving a gift. It's something we do in Greece. When you are given a gift you have to give a gift back too. So as to be a balance. About the friendship part, he shared something with me. A kind of abuse he had from his father. I felt glad that he felt safe to share. And his eyes became watery. I got agry that his father would be cruel. Funny thing though, I never got angry with mine, although he was way way way way way worse. I didnt quite share my story bcz he will keep asking and I wll have to say many things. Not that I don't really trust him. I just wish I could forget them. I think that a part of me loves being from the US and wants to return and another part believes that by not rethinking of certain events will make them go away. 

 

@onyourkneesI'm not outwardly speaking about being single and wanting to be wth someone too. I'm not fantasising. I'm trying to think. And the more I think the more confused I get. And I can't grow up, at least I can't control it, this is who I am. I'm trying to figure if i want him as a lover or as a friend. This gets blurry in my mind many times. I can't easily draw a  line.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Alchemist said:

your message is so true.

1 hour ago, Alchemist said:

 I agree with what u say.

So good luck in therapy.
(Not being cynical, you really need a real person to talk to about this stuff).

 

1 hour ago, Alchemist said:

And i'm glad I found this site bcz i can just communicate. Gays in a close distance would want to fuck not talk.

Like all social media this is hardly real communication, contact let alone intimate.

I am curious though, why you chose BZ to sign up to. Romance, love and intimacy isn't aren't really at the core what brings this community together.
It's about fucking (you just said you're not interested in gays who want to fuck) and fucking bareback at that, with rather substantial space on the site covering related topics from PrEP, serosorting, bugchasing, HIV, Aids and STD's.

[Alchemist]

8 hours ago, BareLover666 said:

So good luck in therapy.
(Not being cynical, you really need a real person to talk to about this stuff).

 

Like all social media this is hardly real communication, contact let alone intimate.

I am curious though, why you chose BZ to sign up to. Romance, love and intimacy isn't aren't really at the core what brings this community together.
It's about fucking (you just said you're not interested in gays who want to fuck) and fucking bareback at that, with rather substantial space on the site covering related topics from PrEP, serosorting, bugchasing, HIV, Aids and STD's.

i found it by chance so I thought i could try making a thread here. I could try it in a greek forum but they would start saying stupid things and the topic would be locked by the admins. Plus, I think I'm losing my patience with Greeks. There are times that I'm seriously thinking of returning to the states, I have the citizenship and I have passed the STEPS (the process for recognizing a non US medical degree). So it only takes to make this decision.

[Alchemist]

I have a small update..

A patient hit on me (a female). That's not very unusual. You are just kind and keep ur distance. If it gets worse you just ask someone to replace you. We were chekcing her medical her after surgery (she removed her appendix). She was complaining about being nauseous. I don't remember exactly what she said but something like she's dizzy bcz of my looks or something. I kinda thought my friend was annoyed and when we dscussed about her medical hstory in his office he was a lttle bit angry. He said that I deserve someone way better than her. I gambled by saying "like who?" and he said i don't know but not her. U need someone who is good looking as you.  And he called me for fun "sexy american boi" he touched my shoulder and left his office. I was confused.

Later, we changed clothes (when we are about to perform a surgery) and we saw us almost naked. Actually he saw me more than I did. I felt shy looking so I had turned my back. He turned me towards and he said that he should return to the gym too. He asked (for joke) whether the names on my chest where members of my fan club. I laughed bcz i didnt know what to say and we moved on. I'm confused bcz all these could be just some fooling around and nothing more. I think that I really like hm as a friend. I think if an emotion grows inside me it could be a little more towards love (lke loving a friend) than passion.

[ErosWired]

On 11/24/2021 at 2:31 PM, Alchemist said:

And i'm glad I found this site bcz i can just communicate. Gays in a close distance would want to fuck not talk.

Not everyone. Men who visit me when I host run considerable risk by starting a conversation before we get underway. I find a brain so much more stimulating than a cock that I can completely forget the fact that I’m naked and carry on talking for ages.

In your case, communication seems to be the central issue. Looking back across your posts, the common thread is that you’re operating on a lack of solid information about what this guy thinks, and you’re filling in those blanks with guesses.

The potential problem, as seen by a dispassionate outside observer, is that your guesses appear extremely subject to bias toward what you want to be true rather than objective. That is, you seem to take each observation that you tell us about and interpret it a certain way, but to a casual observer, your interpretation is not the only one possible and may not even be the most likely.

The interactions you describe, however are clearly of a kind in which non-verbal cues play an important role, cues which, if an objective observer could see them, would completely change the counsel offered to you. We can’t see them. For that reason, BZ or any other internet forum will only be as useful to you as the quantity and quality (objectivity) of the information you share. Please bear that in mind. Your mileage may vary, etc.

[hntnhole]

4 hours ago, ErosWired said:

I find a brain so much more stimulating than a cock

Exactly.  Precisely. 

Not to disparage wet Holes needing more Breeding at all - I adore them.  But nothing is as magnetic as one of those with intelligence, a brain (that's actually used frequently), the ability to think, reason, to question, and resolve those questions.