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I think I'm falling for someone


Alchemist
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I'm 29, he's 32. We work together. Not exactly colleagues, we just happen at times to help each other. By chance, we found out that we're neighbours. From the first time I saw him, I liked him. Not sexually (at least not only sexually). I don't know how I should put this. Looking at him makes me feel nice. Since then we talk quite a lot, we even partcipated in a sports even together and took a photo together that we posted on social media. However, he does have a girlfriend with whom they live together (not married though). So I said okay he's str8, you should "protect" urself. But.. I don't know. It feels like he wants to contact me. No sexual hints involved but we have fun together. We make each other laugh, we hold nice conversations. We even talk at night via messenger. And I'm confused.

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well dear,how did you THINK real relationships started?Love is best described as friendship that catches on FIRE.You seem to have a good friend here with several areas of common interest.If he is not interested in getting intimate you are where you are.Maybe thats okay ya know?Maybe drop some very obvious hints about guys you find cute...see how he reacts.Good luck.:)

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1 hour ago, chargedodger said:

well dear,how did you THINK real relationships started?Love is best described as friendship that catches on FIRE.You seem to have a good friend here with several areas of common interest.If he is not interested in getting intimate you are where you are.Maybe thats okay ya know?Maybe drop some very obvious hints about guys you find cute...see how he reacts.Good luck.:)

That's an interesting way to describe love. I agree. I mean I like the way he looks, but I'm not thinking of his dick or asshole. I asked him to watch a movie at my place and he said yes. The best phrase to describe my feelings is the title. I'm falling for him.

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Proceed, but proceed cautiously.  Remember that he may well be 100% straight, and just enjoying your friendship.  It varies by where you live, but these days in most places it's not dangerous to either hint, or flat out come out and say that  you're gay.  Admitting that you're both gay and attracted to him will be a little awkward to say the least (since he has a girlfriend), so if you do hint about being gay, then best to leave the attraction part out for a while and first see how he reacts to the first part.  Be  prepared, though, that it could cause a rift in the relationship if he recognizes that you're attracted to him, but he doesn't reciprocate. 

It's a dance.  More so when there's a girlfriend involved.  It can turn out really well and you could find someone who gives you wild nights in the sheets, or it can turn out really poorly and you could lose him as a friend. Unfortunately there's no way ahead of time to really know how it's going to turn out.  Only you can decide how far you want to test he waters, and how fast you want to take it.  When I was in my 20s I crushed really hard on a guy, but he turned out to be a very straight religious sort of guy.  Fortunately I never took it far enough that he knew I was crushing on him.  With another guy it could have turned out differently though.  There are other fish in the sea, so if this one escapes, keep throwing the line in!

Good luck!

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The tenor of your question leads one to think that you are inclined toward making an attempt toward engaging this person in an intimate relationship. There are questions to consider:

1) If you discover that he is uninterested in same-sex relationships, can you be content with a simply platonic friendship in which your additional attractions and feelings are unrequited?

2) Are you prepared for the possibility that he may feel uncomfortable at learning of your feelings for him, and break off even platonic friendship? Is the risk of losing the friendship worth the possibility of the relationship?

3) The man is cohabitating with a girlfriend, which suggests an ongoing compatible relationship between them. Do your feelings toward this man entitle you to potentially drive a wedge between an otherwise happy couple and disrupt the relationship they have found with each other? If they were married, your intention would clearly be unethical, but in this circumstance, since modern terms of commitment are less circumscribed, the question must be carefully considered: Is he actually available to you in any honorable way? I can tell you, as someone who watched another man walk in and make advances to his spouse, that it’s a shitty thing to do.

It seems to me you have a lot of things to consider over a guy who you don’t even know is gay. I would think your wisest course would be to back-burner any thoughts of intimacy and simply cultivate a friendship. If something more is meant to develop, it will likely do so on its own in time without the need to force the issue.

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7 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

The tenor of your question leads one to think that you are inclined toward making an attempt toward engaging this person in an intimate relationship. There are questions to consider:

1) If you discover that he is uninterested in same-sex relationships, can you be content with a simply platonic friendship in which your additional attractions and feelings are unrequited?

2) Are you prepared for the possibility that he may feel uncomfortable at learning of your feelings for him, and break off even platonic friendship? Is the risk of losing the friendship worth the possibility of the relationship?

3) The man is cohabitating with a girlfriend, which suggests an ongoing compatible relationship between them. Do your feelings toward this man entitle you to potentially drive a wedge between an otherwise happy couple and disrupt the relationship they have found with each other? If they were married, your intention would clearly be unethical, but in this circumstance, since modern terms of commitment are less circumscribed, the question must be carefully considered: Is he actually available to you in any honorable way? I can tell you, as someone who watched another man walk in and make advances to his spouse, that it’s a shitty thing to do.

It seems to me you have a lot of things to consider over a guy who you don’t even know is gay. I would think your wisest course would be to back-burner any thoughts of intimacy and simply cultivate a friendship. If something more is meant to develop, it will likely do so on its own in time without the need to force the issue.

Well.. I'm not sure if i plan to make a move yet. I only try to be sometime with him at work. I dont know if it's important for the "story" but we're both doctors, i'm an anestheiologist (trainee) and he is an ER doctor. So he "calls" me when an anaesthesiologist is required but it's not like we spend the day together. We talk a lot about work too.I dont plan to discuss my feelings yet. These days, my routine revolves around him. Which is kinda nice, it adds a little extra. I hope he feels the same. About the girlfriend I'm confused. Is he str8? Could he be in the closet? Could he be but so scared of it that he can't see it? Am I at fault?

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When he talks about the girl, does he use the word "girlfriend", "friend", or "roommate"?  That's important.  As ErosWired said, going after another guy's girlfriend will get you into a lot of hot water (with the girlfriend at a minimum), but depending on the cost of living etc, a man and a woman living together could be a completely platonic and financial thing, especially if he's gay.  That requires more investigation on your part.

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2 hours ago, Alchemist said:

Well.. I'm not sure if i plan to make a move yet. I only try to be sometime with him at work. I dont know if it's important for the "story" but we're both doctors, i'm an anestheiologist (trainee) and he is an ER doctor. So he "calls" me when an anaesthesiologist is required but it's not like we spend the day together. We talk a lot about work too.I dont plan to discuss my feelings yet. These days, my routine revolves around him. Which is kinda nice, it adds a little extra. I hope he feels the same. About the girlfriend I'm confused. Is he str8? Could he be in the closet? Could he be but so scared of it that he can't see it? Am I at fault?

I'll preface this by saying that since I've never met you, him, or the girlfriend, I'm just spitballing here. But here's what it sounds like to me:

The other guy is straight, in a relationship, living with his girlfriend. He has found a friend, one who lives nearby, who shares some interests, who understands his work and the pressures it places on a person, such that he doesn't have to explain to you what it means to be on a high because you saved a patient who came in, in really bad shape, or conversely to lose a patient who came in not initially seeming all that bad off. No wonder he's relaxed around you and enjoys spending time with you.

None of that suggests, in and of itself, any attraction whatsoever to you as a romantic/sexual partner. That doesn't mean it CAN'T be there, but there's no reason to expect it - nothing you've said in any of your posts hints that your appeal to him is as anything other than a friend.

And you didn't mention in any of your posts that you've told him (either directly or indirectly) that you're gay. For all you know, he has zero idea, and if he did, he'd be a lot more distant around you. Or maybe it wouldn't matter, but still only interested in friendship, because he wouldn't have any idea you thought of him "that way".

So I'll suggest an even more rudimentary set of questions to ask yourself:

1. [Assuming, in fact, that he doesn't know you're gay] If you come out to him - not about your feelings for him, but just about being gay - and he pulls back from your friendship, such that it becomes a lot more distant, are you okay with that? If not, then you need to figure out whether remaining "closeted" to him is worth the friendship.

2. [Assuming he does know you're gay, or you tell him and he's not bothered by that] Is there ANYTHING - anything concrete, that is - that's not just wishful thinking that would suggest he has any interest in you as anything other than a friendly colleague? If not - if he's given you no reason to think he's definitely got a sexual/romantic interest in you - I think any attempt to nudge things in that direction could blow up in your face - and you're back to losing a friend by weirding him out. 

3. But - assuming you feel it's worth the risk, after he knows you're gay, there's always the oblique-but-not-really approach, where you lament not being able to find someone good to date, that it's a shame he doesn't have a gay twin, or that it's a shame he's straight and taken, because other than that, he's the kind of guy you'd like to meet. You don't make it about sexual attraction - suggesting that you are [banned word] on him somehow - but about about liking him enough that (except for being straight and taken) you'd like to take it to a higher level.

In a fantasy world, he'd say "Actually, I'm not straight, I'm bi, and to be honest, she's really more of a friend and we've stopped dating, just still living together as friends." But that's the fantasy world, which 99.9999% of the time doesn't exist. 

More likely, in the real world, he'll pull back some, until he's sure you're not pursuing him hoping to get him into bed. But knowing that you like him that much can actually serve as the basis for a deeper friendship.

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2 hours ago, Alchemist said:

I dont know if it's important for the "story" but we're both doctors, i'm an anestheiologist (trainee) and he is an ER doctor.

Oof. Yes, that would be an important detail. So on top of all the rest of it, this is someone you work with, in a professional field, who occupies at least for the time being a position of superiority over yours (as a trainee). And you’re contemplating how to get into this guy’s pants.

Dude, this is such a potential minefield I don’t even like to think about it. If it goes pear-shaped (what does a heart turned upside-down roughly resemble? Now you’re getting it) you risk not just screwing up a friendship and/or someone else’s happy relationship, you also risk making things awkward in your workplace on a daily basis. And even if you did manage to connect with him, you’d still have a juggling act to perform to keep things from getting wonky at work.

Not trying to be a heartstomper, but I see some red flags here.

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Every one of these replies is great. 

All the potential risks, all the potential gains.  I too would urge substantial caution, but ... maybe this would be helpful.  You said he came over to your place to watch a movie.  That has set a precedent for him coming over to your place again sometime, for whatever reason.  The joint photo posted online somewhere must mean something, but I have no idea what.

Figure out some obliquely "gay" item*, and leave it not in the middle of a clutter-free coffee table.  That would be far to blunt.  Leave it somewhere, among other stuff, but where a carefully inspecting eye might notice it.  It could be a book among other books, it could be something with the "rainbow" on it amongst other stuff, perhaps partially covered up.  Be oblique about it.  Then, if he sees it and says anything, asks if you're gay, you can shrug it off and say something like "yeah, did you want cream or sugar in your coffee?", and in your most "offhand" way.

If you think he noticed the item, but didn't say anything, for heavens sake, don't sit close to him right away.  Assume he's not threatened, and let him bring it up in conversation.  

Good Luck !!!

*Not porn.  

 

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42 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

Not trying to be a heart stomper, but I see some red flags here.

@ErosWired beat me to it (I had to take the dog out), so I'll emphasize his words of wisdom. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is a dumpster fire attached to a fast burning fuse. If you haven't noticed, doctors tend to chat when they're not in the OR or doing rounds or whatever else they do. Any move you make on Dr. Kildare will be the subject of conversation within a month. I'm assuming you're in the US, and the last time I looked, most anesthesiologists here are in group practices. American society is generally more tolerant of homosexuality than it was when I graduated from law school in 1982, and it's unlikely that bad things would be said in public about your infatuation with Dr. Kildare. That doesn't mean, however, that the other doctors in a group practice which you wish to join would welcome you. Some, on grounds of religion, might object to working with a gay man, and others might think it a character flaw for you to pursue a man who is, to all appearances, in a happy and stable relationship with a woman. Some might see you as an insurance or litigation risk (as if your specialty didn't attract enough litigation) because they'd see you as someone more subject to claims of sexual harassment. In addition, if you haven't noticed, folks in your specialty tend to see patients when the patient is not fully conscious. No one would say it to your face, but I will: chasing Dr. Kildare will plant a seed of suspicion in the minds of some people that you can't keep your hands to yourself and in the right circumstances, you'd make a move on a patient. (Yeah, I know you wouldn't, but the point is that some people will think you're always on the edge of giving in to temptation.)

There are a couple of threads from this summer about workplace affairs and the like. You might want to avail yourself of the very good search function on this website (upper right hand corner of the web page) and find those discussion threads. My advice, perhaps unsolicited and unwelcome, is to keep Dr. Kildare at arm's length; you can certainly be friends, but unless you want to toss your professional career in the wastebasket, don't make a move on him.  

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Sorry for my late reply, the system said I had exceeded my daily post limit.

So about the thing him being superior (in terms of the job) this is not true. We are in different hierarchies. In terms of academia I have a phd which he does not, yet this is irrelevant. We are different specialities. 

About the girl, we're not in the states, so these words don't apply. He would call her "mine" , which is the standard word for someone's girl/boyfriend. I do have a curiosity what they do together though (which is odd, they're a couple, they fuck, sleep, eat and argue basically i suppose)

No I havent told him that i'm gay, i'm afraid i'm what we could call "in the closet". So I'm kinda confused about that. I do expect a chance that would trigger something between us (if there is something to be trggered). We almost slept together yesterday. He came at my place to watch a movie and actually I fell asleep. What is weird is thathe didnt wake me up, but he continued to watch the movie while next to me. He didnt however touch me, hug me or anything. When I woke up he told me to continue sleeping and he would go. He didnnt want me to wake up but i had to unlock/lock the door. Today he bought me a coffee and he made a small joke about "the anaesthesiologist that sleeps".

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1 hour ago, Alchemist said:

Sorry for my late reply, the system said I had exceeded my daily post limit.

So about the thing him being superior (in terms of the job) this is not true. We are in different hierarchies. In terms of academia I have a phd which he does not, yet this is irrelevant. We are different specialities. 

About the girl, we're not in the states, so these words don't apply. He would call her "mine" , which is the standard word for someone's girl/boyfriend. I do have a curiosity what they do together though (which is odd, they're a couple, they fuck, sleep, eat and argue basically i suppose)

No I havent told him that i'm gay, i'm afraid i'm what we could call "in the closet". So I'm kinda confused about that. I do expect a chance that would trigger something between us (if there is something to be trggered). We almost slept together yesterday. He came at my place to watch a movie and actually I fell asleep. What is weird is thathe didnt wake me up, but he continued to watch the movie while next to me. He didnt however touch me, hug me or anything. When I woke up he told me to continue sleeping and he would go. He didnnt want me to wake up but i had to unlock/lock the door. Today he bought me a coffee and he made a small joke about "the anaesthesiologist that sleeps".

I think this is (sorry to say) more evidence that you're fantasizing about there being "something" there beyond a friendship.

I get that you're closeted, and I know that's tough. But I can't think of many more volatile situations than a closeted gay man making advances on a putatively straight man - with whom he works, who lives in the same building, and who has a live-in girlfriend. Someone earlier called this a dumpster fire with a fast-burning fuse; I'd add that there seems to be TNT or something packed around the edges of the dumpster as well. 

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2 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

I think this is (sorry to say) more evidence that you're fantasizing about there being "something" there beyond a friendship.

I get that you're closeted, and I know that's tough. But I can't think of many more volatile situations than a closeted gay man making advances on a putatively straight man - with whom he works, who lives in the same building, and who has a live-in girlfriend. Someone earlier called this a dumpster fire with a fast-burning fuse; I'd add that there seems to be TNT or something packed around the edges of the dumpster as well. 

Well I'm not fantasizing. If i had to bet, i'd say probably he's not into guys. But I think that even making a true relationship (i mean friends) that love each other is a thing to make u happy. u know, not someone who u go out and u say hey he's my friend. but someone that you love and u mean t. maybe a little of bromance.

that description with the TNT is sooo good i loved it haha.

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