How to stop bareback cheating? (no judgment)

[Rendezvousnow]

I admit that such a post is totally antithetical to the purpose of the site, but nevertheless, my addiction to bareback cheating also qualifies my relevance as a rightful member of this site. 
So my question is, I would like to rebuild my moral values, to be precise mainstream, monogamous, traditional, moral values,
this is, regardless of whether humans are naturally prone to infidelity and bareback sex and whether it is right a lot, 
( so no value judgment or the denial of the legitimacy of my question please ) 

The problem is I have no control over my addiction to bareback cheating as it is against my conscience and I would regret it every single time I do this as my act also signifies betrayal, lack of consideration for my partners' health, and these are also part of fundamental human morals and respect, which I am violating. And they are more important than my natural right to have sex and sovereignty over my body, IMO. 


Are there any people who went through the same struggle as me? Could you suggest some ways to achieve this? In Freudian's term, I would want my superego to override my id. 

I know a more mature, realistic way is to discuss openly and sincerely about open relationships and barebacking with my partner or going single, but at the moment, I would not consider these options.

Are there any books, spiritual, or daily routines that you are aware of could help with this? 
Thanks in advance!

[Cumfilledbottomboi]

Sounds like you might have a sex addiction which, like any addiction, needs to be addressed. As for morals, etc. that’s all something that is person to person. 

[BootmanLA]

9 hours ago, Rendezvousnow said:

I admit that such a post is totally antithetical to the purpose of the site, but nevertheless, my addiction to bareback cheating also qualifies my relevance as a rightful member of this site. 

For what it's worth, the site is about bareback sex. It's not about monogamy vs. open, cheating vs. loyal, or what have you. It's possible to have a monogamous relationship where bareback sex is a constant or at least frequent occurrence. In fact, some people might suggest it's the safest way to bareback (ie only with one person, whom you trust, and with whom you have a solid relationship).

9 hours ago, Rendezvousnow said:

So my question is, I would like to rebuild my moral values, to be precise mainstream, monogamous, traditional, moral values,
this is, regardless of whether humans are naturally prone to infidelity and bareback sex and whether it is right a lot, 
( so no value judgment or the denial of the legitimacy of my question please )

I certainly wouldn't judge your question's legitimacy. I would suggest, however, you think about the terms you used. There's nothing "traditional", for instance, about relationships involving gay sex - certainly not in the broadly held sense of "traditional". In fact, the traditional thing for gay men to do was to either get married, try to suppress urges, and not infrequently cheat to satisfy that need, or to not get married and move to some place where gay sex was readily available with no expectations.

I think what you mean is a traditional relationship adapted to same-sex partners. And that's fine, if that's what you actually want, as opposed to feeling it's what you should want because of some societal pressure.

9 hours ago, Rendezvousnow said:

The problem is I have no control over my addiction to bareback cheating as it is against my conscience and I would regret it every single time I do this as my act also signifies betrayal, lack of consideration for my partners' health, and these are also part of fundamental human morals and respect, which I am violating. And they are more important than my natural right to have sex and sovereignty over my body, IMO. 

Of course you have control over it. You're choosing to do it, every time you seek it out. People toss around the term "addiction" rather casually because it serves as an all-purpose get-out-of-jail-free card - "oh I just can't help it, it's my wiring, it's not my fault". But clearly you recognize that in fact, you DO have control over it - you're just upset you don't have the strength to use that power. 

And for that, unfortunately, I have no suggestions. It's one of those things that if you wanted to give up bareback cheating bad enough, you'd do it. You'd cancel all the apps, stop going out to any bars, cruising spots, bathhouses, bookstores, or wherever you're doing your cheating; you'd delete the contacts for anyone you've got info on as a "sometimes" partner; you'd tell all of them you're off the market and block their numbers and email.

But you haven't, I assume. And to me, that's a sign that you want it, but not yet. Shades of Augustine.

This is not something dependent on external factors. It's not like, say, wanting a raise at work, because while you can try hard to get one, it's not under your control. But this? This is totally under your control. 

[fskn]

10 hours ago, Rendezvousnow said:

Are there any books, spiritual, or daily routines that you are aware of could help with this? 
Thanks in advance!

The only relevant materials I can think of are Christian-fundamentalist-themed, and have been found to be ineffective.

Please consider talking with a counselor or psychologist who is licensed in the jurisdiction where you live. No matter what the participants' interests, experiences, and motivations, an Internet forum is a poor substitute for professional advice.

[ejaculaTe]

1 hour ago, BootmanLA said:

Shades of Augustine

St. Augustine of Hippo, if anyone was wondering. This quote came to mind upon seeing the reference to St. Augustine: "O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet."

[ErosWired]

@Rendezvousnow - Your post suggests that you are experiencing significant emotional distress as a result of your own internal judgment of your own behavior. It sounds as though this is based on a set of moral principles or beliefs to which you subscribe, which you refer to as ‘mainstream’ and ‘traditional’. You say that you need to ‘rebuild’ your moral values, which implies that you believe that your value structure has in some way collapsed.

The distress you feel, accompanied by a feeling of helplessness or inability to prevent yourself from undertaking the behavior that distresses you, suggests that you might benefit from a mental health evaluation - it may not be that you are ‘morally failing’ - it may be that you are experiencing a condition that you may be able to address with therapy, medication, or a combination of the two.

Sexual addiction has been mentioned, but there are other conditions that can predispose a person to engaging in hypersexual and high-risk behavior. I would encourage you to speak to your doctor about your concerns and obtain a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist who may be able to assist you. In the case that you’re dealing with a kind of sexual addiction, a therapist specializing in sex therapy may be of help.

You can make the change you wish in your life, and I wish you well.

 

[tallslenderguy]

i think you've gotten some great input, so my thoughts will likely just repeat or underline what's already been said.

Self diagnosing "addiction" has become almost as mainstream as self diagnosing depression.  Using the term applied to gay sex was popularized by fundamentalist religious culture back in the 80's. Fundamentalists, then and now, equated any gay sex to being addicted and compared it to alcoholism. They did a similar thing with porn.  Lots of fundamentalist christians believe that if you even think or imagine having sex "in your heart," it's equal to having had sex "in God's eyes."  

Too me, you seem to have two separate and distinct issues?  One is bareback sex, the other is cheating. 

i may have missed it, but i cannot tell from your post if the relationship that you are cheating on is a man or woman?  As BootmanLA notes, "tradition" has resulted in a lot of gay men marrying women, so depends on what "tradition" you are referencing?  But if you are cheating on a woman, then i would suggest you have more/different factors to consider that could be complicating your desires/needs.  On the other hand, i know there are also  gay men who want to incorporate religion into their lives.  Some religions have a "tradition" of accepting gays, others do not, some have modified to be inclusive, so the term "tradition" applied to those can be tricky. 

Again, i'd reiterate i believe talking to a pro is in your best interest.  We don't have enough info or background to give anything more than opinion here. That said...

 If your behavior is truly compulsive (and i think there is such a thing), that could point to an unmet need that you are trying to repress/suppress. A good therapist can help you identify and deal with the reasons behind your unwanted behavior vs just concluding that your desires/needs are immoral.  I.e., you may be repressing/suppressing a part of your self that you would not consider immoral (e.g. barebacking) that is leading to compulsive behavior that results in the cheating that you do consider immoral.    

 

[PozBearWI]

10 hours ago, fskn said:

The only relevant materials I can think of are Christian-fundamentalist-themed, and have been found to be ineffective.

Please consider talking with a counselor or psychologist who is licensed in the jurisdiction where you live. No matter what the participants' interests, experiences, and motivations, an Internet forum is a poor substitute for professional advice.

One might consider reading the book "Ethical Polyamory".

[gangbangsuperstar]

if you are truly a born cumdumpster fuckslut pussyboy like me you just can’t . I have told myself I could and then when my boyfriend was at work I would find myself naked in a porntheatre with cum all over my face, in my belly and up my ass getting down on my knees and on my hands and knees offering to suck off every single guy who came in and offering my sloppy fuckhole to any random stranger who came in for bareback fucking while other men watched, and waited for their turn to use me to get themselves off and maybe piss on me. or i would tell myself I was going to behave, then my boyfriend would be at home sleeping while I was laying in a bathhouse public sling all night taking load after load from anonymous strangers who fuck me like a cheap, worthless trash, choking me, spitting in my face and telling me I’m a disgusting whore. one time while my boyfriend was getting his hair cut I even snuck off to a cruise restroom and let 5 guys blow their loads in my ass. faggots like us dont just want loads, we NEED to take loads. from as many males as possible, and be used in the dirtiest, most degrading ways possible. it can never be enough. when I get 40+ loads dumped in my guts I still want more. if you were born to suck cocks, get fucked and take loads you need to embrace the community cumdumpster that you are. I am a cockhungry, cumthirsty cocksucker and fuckslut faggot. i was born to be used by males. even if you weren’t driven to hunt for loads, as pussyboys and cumdumps we have no right to turn down any male that wants to use our mouths, throats and fuckholes to get themselves off. if thats what you are, thats what you do. saying you won’t take anyones load is like a toilet saying it won’t take anyones piss, or a trash dumpster saying it won’t take anyones trash.

[BannedWord]

So...let's call this what it is: A compulsion to engage in a behavior that may be considered risky, or that may put your partner at risk. Let's also presume from your post that you're looking to get the train of thought of engaging in that behavior out of mind and focus on your partner in a 'traditional, monogamous relationship'.

A good idea would be to cold-turkey from the sites, apps and influences that tempt you. But since you're here, I can infer that might be an issue for you and that you may need some type of a site-blocker to lock down your devices (or cold-turkey the Internet altogether, people lived for years without it). The rest of the resources I'd cite would be somewhat secular in nature and involve some type of 12-Step program, and that in itself becomes a mechanism to replace the bareback addiction (instead of barebacking someone, you "attend a meeting"). It's not an answer in itself but perhaps a path to get to the answer. Here are some such programs.

Sex Addicts Anonymous - saa-recovery.org
Sexual Compulsives Anonymous - sca-recovery.org
Sexual Recovery Anonymous - sexual recovery.org

I've known people who've consulted clergy with mixed success. It's an option, I'll stay silent on that. You might want to look for a professional in addiction counseling because, like anything else, this is an addiction for you in that you seem conflicted and want to follow a different path. Find a good psychologist who specializes in sexual matters or someone who is a sex therapist and book a session to get a feel for their approach and expertise. 

On the other hand...

Consider if the path you want to go down is really the one that you truly want. Something subconsciously is driving you instinctually to want to engage in bareback sex. Perhaps you should consider why and whether the path that you really want is to indulge yourself and that it's time to confront your partner with your desires so that they can make their own decisions. There's nothing wrong with that other than your own level of acceptance of it, or whether it conforms to the norms that are familiar. Your post made it seem that you want to sublimate your desires, and perhaps that's not the healthiest thing for you. Something to ponder over. Good luck.

[ErosWired]

It should be noted that neither Sexual Addiction nor Hypersexual Disorder are recognized as formal diagnoses in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-V), the diagnostic reference that is the primary record of mental health conditions for professionals working in the United States. Sexual addiction is a subject of debate regarding what would constitute symptoms of pathology as distinct from normal patterns of human sexual behavior, and disagreement about the potential causes of abnormal behavior and distress. Some researchers contend that it has little in common with actual addiction.

The point is, it’s no good anyone diagnosing himself as a sexual addict, as there is no such actual diagnosis, and no professional would make such a finding.

That doesn’t mean the compulsion isn’t real, or the distress isn’t real, but rather that the approach to dealing with them may not be the same as the approach to dealing with addiction.

[hntnhole]

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Some researchers contend that it has little in common with actual addiction

Unless I'm mistaken, "addiction" involves some habit-forming substance, foreign to our bodies, and thus cheating is a "learned" behavior, not an actual addiction.  Apparently in this instance, the act of cheating releases endorphins or whatever in this guy's brain that make him feel so good he craves more of it.  Thus, he assumes that his behavior is an addiction, when in reality, it's a learned behavior that makes him feel so good - similar to a chemically-induced "high".  I'm trying to understand what he's getting at,  

 He's either unhappy with his partner, or he's unhappy with his behavior towards his partner.  I don't see how ..........

On 4/25/2022 at 1:58 PM, Rendezvousnow said:

rebuild my moral values, to be precise mainstream, monogamous, traditional, moral values,

is relevant to either issue.  Rebuilding moral values is one issue, resorting to whatever "mainstream, traditional, moral" means to you, and adding monogamy to the mix is another.  Many, if not most of us maintain personal moral values that run in direct contrast to "mainstream, traditional, morality".

 

On 4/25/2022 at 1:58 PM, Rendezvousnow said:

The problem is I have no control over my addiction to bareback cheating as it is against my conscience

I would take issue with this statement.  What you dislikes are the choices you make.  Of course you have control over your behavior - we all have control over our behavior, except in the case of actual, extra-bodily chemical addiction.  There are countless rehab facilities world-wide to assist those addicted to chemicals that want to quit using.  There are countless "counseling" services world-wide to help folks with emotional-type problems.  

 

On 4/25/2022 at 1:58 PM, Rendezvousnow said:

I would not consider these options

I wonder why that is ..... 

As to the "books, spiritual or daily" routines, sure there are.  Tons of them.  Personally, I would advise against any associated with Organized Religion, since that is the source of so many of society's problems in the first place.  I've never done yoga or similar, but I do know that many find it helpful.  

Finally, I would also encourage you to find a professional, educated in the techniques of allowing you to learn your own truth, accept yourself for who you are, and celebrate that self.  

Best of luck, bud.

[BootmanLA]

6 hours ago, gangbangsuperstar said:

if you are truly a born cumdumpster fuckslut pussyboy like me you just can’t . 

This, and the entire remainder of your self-serving, OH-LOOK-AT-ME-WHAT-A-WHORE-I-AM-AREN'T-YOU-IMPRESSED-AM-I-TURNING-YOU-ON-DO-YOU-WANT-TO-FAPFAPFAP-WITH-ME post, are all bullshit.

You can do otherwise. You choose not to. And that's your right, and as long as you don't harm someone else, I don't care if you do. But please spare us the histrionics about how it's your destiny and all that crapola.

[BlackDude]

No one can have it all…..

[BannedWord]

22 hours ago, ErosWired said:

It should be noted that neither Sexual Addiction nor Hypersexual Disorder are recognized as formal diagnoses in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-V), the diagnostic reference that is the primary record of mental health conditions for professionals working in the United States. Sexual addiction is a subject of debate regarding what would constitute symptoms of pathology as distinct from normal patterns of human sexual behavior, and disagreement about the potential causes of abnormal behavior and distress. Some researchers contend that it has little in common with actual addiction.

The point is, it’s no good anyone diagnosing himself as a sexual addict, as there is no such actual diagnosis, and no professional would make such a finding.

That doesn’t mean the compulsion isn’t real, or the distress isn’t real, but rather that the approach to dealing with them may not be the same as the approach to dealing with addiction.

My comments on "bareback addiction" were more focused on the OP's seeming compulsion to engage in bareback sex to the point where the OP was concerned. I'm not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, just trying to share any useful information versus commentary.