Is bromance really a thing?

[Sharp-edge]

I'm sooo confused with this term. I'm a little stubborn maybe. I believe that u can either be gay or str8, I don't believe in bi, str8 curious etc. However there are cases that trouble me.

It's about two people that I know. They're both males and they work in the same hospital as I. I don't really know them just their names and a few things more than that. Oddly, as I was eating  my lunch (at work) I overheard two colleagues "arguing" whether these two guys are gay or  not (which was also rude because they didnt know me well I could be a friend of them, whatever). But from what I heard the "bromance thing" showed up in my mind and I would just like your opinion about that.

These guys are 30 plus, one is neurosurgeon and the other is a family doctor. These guys live together. They had gf from time to time but they live together for almost a decade and no plans of getting married. I know for a fact that he's also cooking for him because I've heard him saying to someone that the other guy doest like that so he is not cooking. Everyone is considering them as  "one" they  would invite both of them somewhere. It may sound weird but on the one hand they don't care if people talks (so someone could say that they're ot of thecloset) but on the other hand I don't believe they're gay. I feel  a bit confused. It's none of my business, I'm mostly curious whether such a relationship can be a bromance and if it happens  between str8 men. 

[Justaholeff]

I truly believe in bromance...straight guys, gay guys, or any guy in between...it's male bonding and it's powerful. Only homophobia from insecure straight men and our religous dogma society can dampen it...but I believe it's nature at it's perfection!

[BlackDude]

1 hour ago, Sharp-edge said:

I'm sooo confused with this term. I'm a little stubborn maybe. I believe that u can either be gay or str8, I don't believe in bi, str8 curious etc. However there are cases that trouble me.

It's about two people that I know. They're both males and they work in the same hospital as I. I don't really know them just their names and a few things more than that. Oddly, as I was eating  my lunch (at work) I overheard two colleagues "arguing" whether these two guys are gay or  not (which was also rude because they didnt know me well I could be a friend of them, whatever). But from what I heard the "bromance thing" showed up in my mind and I would just like your opinion about that.

These guys are 30 plus, one is neurosurgeon and the other is a family doctor. These guys live together. They had gf from time to time but they live together for almost a decade and no plans of getting married. I know for a fact that he's also cooking for him because I've heard him saying to someone that the other guy doest like that so he is not cooking. Everyone is considering them as  "one" they  would invite both of them somewhere. It may sound weird but on the one hand they don't care if people talks (so someone could say that they're ot of thecloset) but on the other hand I don't believe they're gay. I feel  a bit confused. It's none of my business, I'm mostly curious whether such a relationship can be a bromance and if it happens  between str8 men. 

No. I believe 99% of “bisexual” men are making the calculation between if a guys hot enough and is it worth the “risk.” Straight men don’t really want to hang out with other men 24/7 like that, if only strictly for appearance sake. If you don’t care what a woman thinks then….

These men are more that likely gay.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Sharp-edge said:

I believe that u can either be gay or str8, I don't believe in bi, str8 curious etc.

I find this part of your statement extremely off-putting. I'm a pansexual guy. I am attracted to, sleep with and have relationships with women (both cis- and transgender), men (both cis- and transgender), intersex people, non-binary people, genderqueer/gender non-conforming people, agender people etc. I've always put it that what is between your legs is less important than what is between your ears. Apparently though, to you I don't exist? Why is that?

[BootmanLA]

2 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I'm sooo confused with this term. I'm a little stubborn maybe. I believe that u can either be gay or str8, I don't believe in bi, str8 curious etc. However there are cases that trouble me.

....

It's none of my business, I'm mostly curious whether such a relationship can be a bromance and if it happens  between str8 men. 

First: Just because *you* don't believe in "bi, str8 curious etc." doesn't mean those things don't exist. Sexual orientation is a spectrum, not a black or white issue. Just because *you* can't imagine yourself being attracted to women as well as men doesn't mean there aren't plenty of men out there who are (and women who are attracted to both, as well).

It's true that in some societies, it's more acceptable to be bisexual (especially if you mostly are interested in the opposite sex) and thus some actually gay men will claim to be bisexual and publicly date women (although not actually have sex with them). That was a common thing in the 70's and 80's here in the U.S., when "experimenting" young men would declare themselves to be "bi" before later admitting they were gay and had no interest in women.

BUT - not all people who say they're bisexual are, in fact, gay or straight. More importantly, it's not your place to decide that they are - as you correctly note, it's none of your business.

As for "bromance": Here in the U.S., as I understand the term, it's used to describe a relationship between two men that has a "love" component without a "sexual" component. Two guys who are mostly inseparable but who aren't having sex (whether they identify as straight, gay, bisexual, or whatever) are said to be in a "bromance" - a kind of love that is like a brotherhood (hence the "bro" part) where the guys have emotional attachment (the "romance" part). Whether that's what your gossipy friends at work were talking about or not, I can't say.

On a side note: based on your description, it sounds like everyone in your workplace is spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about who is sleeping with whom and what gender each person there is attracted to. Or is it just that *you* spend a lot of time thinking about this, so you ask a lot of people about it, and then it seems to be all they talk about? You might consider whether you're just adding fuel to this fire of gossip.

[garsento]

It is impossible for strangers to make definitive statements about what third parties with no connection to these strangers are doing.

I would just note that straight guys actually are capable of being close friends. It is something that society can discourage, looking down on two guys who spend a lot of time together instead of going after women, but it is something that still happens despite that.

Based just on what I have seen heterosexual guys say, a close friendship with a straight guy (or a non-sexual friendship with a gay/bi guy) is something that might be appealing. Heterosexuals are finding dating and everything afterwards hard and some guys just want to opt out. Why not?

[Sfmike64]

I've had bromances with other men that I had no or little sexual interest in. Both gay and straight. Some of those friendships have been life changing and incredibly important to my life.

Two of those people helped me get clean from crystal meth in my 40s after three years of heavy drug use, and one of them was someone I had known since 1977 (we went to HS together). He was my oldest friend in the world, and we came out the same summer (1981). He only died  in the Fall of 2021 after a long, unpleasant battle with colon cancer (/Soapbox GET THE DAMN COLONOSCOPY AND DO NOT WHINE ABOUT IT /soapbox).  We were friends for 45 years.

Edited July 27, 2022 by Sfmike64
Typo and grammar

[ErosWired]

8 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I'm sooo confused with this term. I'm a little stubborn maybe. I believe that u can either be gay or str8, I don't believe in bi, str8 curious etc. However there are cases that trouble me.

The root of your confusion lies in the fact that you begin with a false understanding to begin with. You may not believe that bisexual or straight-but-curious men actually exist, and like others who take a cynical approach, you may assume that those who claim to be are either in denial or consciously covering up for their pure homosexuality. Regardless, you are simply wrong, and there is a body of science to demonstrate that you are wrong. Starting with the Kinsey study of the 1970s, and subsequent work expanding on it, the evidence is quite clear that human sexual orientation and preference is a spectrum, and a given individual can be positioned anywhere along it. Moreover, that position can be variable over time. Whether you believe it or not is immaterial; it is not a matter of belief; it is so.

Therefore, I would encourage you to return to the question you pose regarding the two physicians and their living arrangement, and re-examine it without the baggage of the incorrect assumption that previously held back your understanding.

(I, by the way, am bisexual. I’ve been fucked by over 1,000 men, but I like ladies just fine, married one and fathered two children with one. Men are just easier for casual sex. If I had had my choice, I’d still be married, and if another circumstance were different, I might be seeing another woman now. So, bi. I’m not “covering up” anything.)

[Hairypiglet]

It's called homosocialism. When a friendly connection betweem members of the same sex exhibit an affectionate relationship without intercourse. This can include hugging, cuddling, holding hands in public, and even simple kisses. This is far more prevalent in some cultures such as Japan and Europe. 

[garsento]

25 minutes ago, Hairypiglet said:

It's called homosocialism. When a friendly connection betweem members of the same sex exhibit an affectionate relationship without intercourse. This can include hugging, cuddling, holding hands in public, and even simple kisses. This is far more prevalent in some cultures such as Japan and Europe. 

There has been at least some social sciences research suggesting that intense romantic friendships like bromances began to get stigmatized in North America culture, at least, as a result of anxiety about changing gender norms including a new awareness of homosexuality. Homophobes' stigmatization of any close relationship between men does not do guys a favour.

We know nothing first hand about these two guys; I don't know them, you don't, and so on. Even the OP knows them only as colleagues. If the OP knew that, say, they were fucking each other in the showers at work, presumably he would have said. What has been described does fit perfectly well with the idea that these guys are just close friends who enjoy spending time with each other.

[ErosWired]

There’s a tiresome trend in literary criticism to look at two male characters with a very close association and begin to try to tease out every possible clue that they’re gay, despite the fact that the author had no such intent in the writing of them. Achilles and Patroclus, yes - the intent is suggested. Holmes and Watson? Don’t be ridiculous. Dumbledore and Grindlewald? Of course. Frodo and Samwise? Absolutely not.

Contrary to what some may insist, sexuality is not a factor in all human relationships. We all share a common humanity at a deeper level, and some people are fortunate enough to connect at that level.

[hntnhole]

Clearly there does exist a plane of caring between two same-gendered people that goes deeper than common "friendship".  I've experienced this twice with straight guys.  One was a guy I wouldn't have had sex with on a bet; sexually, yuck.  The other was such a good friend I wouldn't have allowed anything like sex the chance to ruin the friendship  Example:  when I had a physical emergency years ago, and he had moved hundreds of miles away, I called him on a Tuesday - explained the situation - he replied "I'll be there on Thursday".  Now that's the kind of friendship that also possesses a certain level of love.  

The Greeks had quite a system (and remember - they had nothing at all against boy/boy, man/boy sex - as long as marriage took place, the man fucked his wife too, and thus brought forth the necessary future members of their armed forces) of describing these "bromanitical" relationships.  Agape, Eros, Philia, Pragma, Mania are some specifically-defined types of love between men, Eros and Mania being most familiar to BZ'ers.  

It's not easy to clearly define, but once experienced, it's easy to recognize when we're fortunate to have experienced it.  If we do experience it, we're well and truly enriched.

[tallslenderguy]

i think a lot of confusion that we can experience in life can be traced to our notions of what should be vs the reality of what is.  

As humans, we use words to facilitate communication, but words are not the end all. We cannot realistically use a static term to describe the fluid state that is life.  i'd think trying to fit all men into one of two categories, "gay" or "straight," would be a source of a great deal of confusion. i don't think it reflects reality.  Words are an attempt to convey what is, we define them. i think we get into trouble when we try to conform or make them  define us.

The fact that the term "bromance" even exists, to me, means it's "a thing" to those who use the term to try and communicate their feelings, desires, experience, etc., but it does not necessarily mean the same exact thing to everyone who uses the term. For instance, you don't have to go to far to find examples of literal brothers who have romantic feelings for each other and are having sex. i know that's not what you were referring to, but it illustrates how broad human experience can be and how limited and generic the terms we use to try and communicate are. 

Edited July 27, 2022 by tallslenderguy

[tallslenderguy]

On another note. i work at a hospital too and there is a group of guy nurses who hang together all the time. They fish and hunt together, have lunch together on their breaks, and endlessly talk sports with each other.  They obviously have affection for each other, all of them are married to women. They, and many of their co-workers, frequently refer to their relationship as "bromance."  I've even wondered if one of them is bi because he frequently mentions when he thinks another guy is sexy or handsome. If i had to guess, i'd say none of these guys has ever had male on male sex.  

[Sharp-edge]

I really thank u for ur comments they do give food for thought

About gossiping in the hospital, I believe these environments have a particular proclivity for gossiping. I do believe however that gossiping about gay guys (at least in my country) is turning a little boring. Some years ago if someone said that someone else was gay you would hear "oh no I can't believe this he looks like a man" and now most people would say "yeah so what?". So I think it's more intriguing gossiping about hidden affairs or married guys.

I think i tend to believe they dont have sex but they love each other. Love is a confusing word. Don't we love our friends? But then again, do we hug them, kiss them or sleep together? But with whoever we sleep do we love him? Everybody says that they love their friends but it's just a word. Maybe love requires a bit of touching and feeling but without desiring sexual intercourse? And a second thought of mine. These guy are good looking and young. And they have sex with women (rumor has it). So maybe having sex between them just waits for a sparkle?