How do you react when you see someone crying?

[Sharp-edge]

So.. there's a colleague, older than me (around 40) that I really love. Not sexually, I just love him as a "friend". I use the "" because we won't really hang out but I trust him, I care about him, we talk a lot, we laugh together. We have spent endless shifts together and you can really tell when someone is just doing his jobs and when someone is doing his job and at the same time helping and caring for you. There are some days now that he looks sad. I kept on asking him if he's okay and he would say that yeah everything's cool. I didn't think that I was somehow pushing him to tell something, I was just asking because I worried. And today, he asked me to go a small walk (there's a park/small forest in the hospital) and get something to eat while we walk. When we made some steps away from other people and I was just "oh let's eat I'm hungry" he just bursted into tears. He told me what was going on which was bad (but I think it can be fixed) and we hugged very tight. I felt my heart beating fast, not from being horny or something but somehow me watching him crying "frightened" me. I always have a heartbeat when someone cries and I try to help it's a red flag for me. I believe the fact that I'm gay kinda helped because from my experience most straight guys won't bother about how an other man feels. I just feel weird know. I keep on thinking that he's crying and I worry. I'm not at all used to a guy crying. I really don't know how to help when a friend cries.  Just let him cry his heart out? Hug him? Be there for him? It's still a shock for me. He was a kind of mentor for me. Always brave, always guiding me. And now he cried. My image of him being fearless just shattered. But that's good. I came closer to him. I just want him to be happy though, not cry.

[backdoorjimmy]

2 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I really don't know how to help when a friend cries.  Just let him cry his heart out? Hug him? Be there for him? It's still a shock for me.

All of those things - you gave him a tight hug, which was probably what he needed. You also gave him someone to talk to and he definitely needed that. And you had concern for him - he might have needed to know that someone cared about him and whatever it is he's going through. 

Based on what you shared, it seems like you did the right thing.

[ErosWired]

Yes, you let him cry. You listen to whatever he needs to say, without judgment. If he seems to need a hug, you give him one.

In Western societies, men tend to be taught that emotion equates to weakness, and vulnerability, especially around other men. This is, of course, nonsense, but it makes it difficult to process certain emotional states in a healthy manner.

The fact that he reached out to you to communicate this issue this way indicates two things: 1) That the issue is serious and distressing enough to him that the need to express his emotions about it has overcome his conditioned reluctance; and 2) That he has developed enough familiarity and trust in you to expose his vulnerability to you.

This does not mean his problem is for you to fix. It simply means that everyone needs a shoulder to lean on at some point, and not everyone has access to one. Perhaps he does not, and you, casual acquaintance as you are, may be the closest thing he has.

 I would suggest that you simply listen. Do not advise unless asked, but ask questions that lead him to expand on how he feels, in order to help him sort out his emotional disarray on his own. Be supportive, and be kind.

[onlyraw]

ErosWired gives very wise advice 

I would only add to let him know that you are there to listen- and I know that “real” listening - and non judgmental listening- can be very hard work and take a lot of energy- so be sure to take care of yourself too

[badjujuboy]

2 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Yes, you let him cry. You listen to whatever he needs to say, without judgment. If he seems to need a hug, you give him one.

---------------------------------------------

This does not mean his problem is for you to fix. It simply means that everyone needs a shoulder to lean on at some point, and not everyone has access to one. Perhaps he does not, and you, casual acquaintance as you are, may be the closest thing he has.

 I would suggest that you simply listen. Do not advise unless asked, but ask questions that lead him to expand on how he feels, in order to help him sort out his emotional disarray on his own. Be supportive, and be kind.

Totally agree... be just be there...  As @ErosWired said., "Do not advise..." As you haven't mentioned the specific situation and don't expect it to be revealed, you might add something along the lines of  "What do you need... what can I do?" as an offer/question on your part, if appropriate  and you are able to consider fulfilling on your part. Sometimes just being able to verbalize internal conflicts is the first step in a person's journey forward.

Edited October 28, 2022 by badjujuboy

[gingerdaddyG]

@ErosWired is spot on. I was in a situation recently where I was the one crying and one of my straight friends was there for me (on more than one occasion) to listen to me and without giving me advice, but asked questions that helped me explore myself for the answers and for ‘solutions’ to my problem. The problem never resolved itself (it never will), but I have been able to deal with it and move on considerably with my life and leave it in the past, and I couldn’t have done it without my listening friend, whom I love like a brother. 

[NYBBGUY58]

You did perfectly! Seeing someone we're not accustomed to being emotional expressing emotion can be a challenging, so I'm not surprised you felt fear. Just letting him be human and say what was upsetting him is invaluable, though. Just be a friend, let him know he can talk to you without fear of judgment. And don't try to "fix" anything, since usually that backfires. Be present, that's my approach and advice.

[Sharp-edge]

10 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Yes, you let him cry. You listen to whatever he needs to say, without judgment. If he seems to need a hug, you give him one.

In Western societies, men tend to be taught that emotion equates to weakness, and vulnerability, especially around other men. This is, of course, nonsense, but it makes it difficult to process certain emotional states in a healthy manner.

The fact that he reached out to you to communicate this issue this way indicates two things: 1) That the issue is serious and distressing enough to him that the need to express his emotions about it has overcome his conditioned reluctance; and 2) That he has developed enough familiarity and trust in you to expose his vulnerability to you.

This does not mean his problem is for you to fix. It simply means that everyone needs a shoulder to lean on at some point, and not everyone has access to one. Perhaps he does not, and you, casual acquaintance as you are, may be the closest thing he has.

 I would suggest that you simply listen. Do not advise unless asked, but ask questions that lead him to expand on how he feels, in order to help him sort out his emotional disarray on his own. Be supportive, and be kind.

He didn't cry that much because we weren't in the best possible for that but surely it released some of his tension. There was nothing to judge about, I just hope it will turn out well. I think you are right about both 1 and 2 and that both apply in my case. But he could go all alone if he just wanted to cry. As I recall the incident he did try to make an intro or something but only crying came out. We have a very good relationship, I hope he trusts me. He' higher in the "hierarchy" than me but he always made me feel comfortable around him and he respects me. That's the foundation of our good relationship. I do believe he likes to be the strong one, the been there done that type but seasons change, now he needs to be helped and that's absolutely understandable. He didn't tell me the classic "don't tell anyone" but I think that that goes without saying. He also bought me a cookie that he knows I love and wrote thanks in the packaging which I found very cute.

Wish I could advise him, but it's not a matter of good or bad advice. He just someone to be there for him.

 

 

I'd really want to discuss that with my boyfriend but he can't. He's jealous of everything so he will say things that will make me angry.

[hntnhole]

Sharp-edge, you're probably a rather empathetic guy, and other folks can sense that.  That's a wonderful quality to possess, and the above responses are good ones.  Not everyone can project empathy, don't feel odd that your friend knew where he could turn in a time of trouble.  Unless he asks you to comment on whatever the issue is, all you really need to do is "be there" for him - and you've already done that.  If he needs more, you'll know it.  If he doesn't, you were there when he needed someone to lean on, so either way you don't need to press.  Just be there if he needs more, as you initially were. 

Let that ball stay in his court until he tosses it into yours again.  

[tallslenderguy]

1 hour ago, hntnhole said:

Sharp-edge, you're probably a rather empathetic guy, and other folks can sense that.    

i think You've gotten some wonderful responses here. i also think hntnhole is spot on. 

i think some of the feelings You are experiencing are empathetic, and in a way, You are feeling what Your friend is feeling. We cannot control so many of the hard things that life brings our way, but by being empathetic, You helped him carry those feelings so he was not alone with them.

[Sharp-edge]

8 hours ago, hntnhole said:

Sharp-edge, you're probably a rather empathetic guy, and other folks can sense that.  That's a wonderful quality to possess, and the above responses are good ones.  Not everyone can project empathy, don't feel odd that your friend knew where he could turn in a time of trouble.  Unless he asks you to comment on whatever the issue is, all you really need to do is "be there" for him - and you've already done that.  If he needs more, you'll know it.  If he doesn't, you were there when he needed someone to lean on, so either way you don't need to press.  Just be there if he needs more, as you initially were. 

Let that ball stay in his court until he tosses it into yours again.  

Empathy is a nice word. I had a friend at high school who was crazy about astrology and she told me once "oh you don't have any planets on water-based star signs that's why you have zero empathy". She made me believe that I just can't understand other people's emotions (silly me) so for the following few years I was thinking that I can't and I was trying to get used to it. But I think that I really can understand how someone feels. I do have trouble expressing my own feelings though, I keep them inside.

I do know for sure though that being positive bring backs positive things. Sure there will be tough times, I had mine. When I lost my father people were there for me, I felt that they loved me and that made me stronger. In return I help when it is needed, I'm not the bitter guy.

 

I will give add some linguistic info as always

empathy is a greek word. But many (foolish) greeks use it wrong. Empathy = En + Pathos (Pathos= Passion), so it means having passion

In greek empathy means literally passionate about someone but in a negative manner. Passion means disease in greek (consider the word pathology). So it means have a grudge against someone. The word that means what an english speaker means saying empathy is "ensynesthisi" (to feel one's emotion). I know it's irrelevant, but wanted to share.

[Shotsfired]

When my friends are hurting, I don't push. I just tell them I am holding space for them, and if they need someone to talk or just someone to listen or set in the dark with them in quiet. 

I struggle not to tear up when my friends are crying. It is hard to watch them hurt. 

People will often feel uncomfortable with crying and will hand them a tissue or tell them anything to stop the tears becaus of their own discomfort. Let them cry. They need to. It's a gift that they trust you with their vulnerability. People who try to stop the cry are making a selfish move.

[hntnhole]

On 10/28/2022 at 4:27 PM, Sharp-edge said:

"oh you don't have any planets on water-based star signs that's why you have zero empathy". She made me believe that I just can't understand other people's emotions

So much for astrology. 

And, I doubt she "made" you believe x, y, or z.  It's more likely you allowed her to believe she did.  Whether or not you actually believed whatever isn't the issue, the issue is, you (perhaps out of a generosity-of-heart) allowed her to think you believed the astrology thing.  A sense of empathy on your part would allow that, wouldn't it?  More, suppressing one's own emotions in favor of upholding others that seem to need support is a part of being empathetic. 

I still think you're a caring kind of guy, and the world needs more men just like you. 

Edited November 1, 2022 by hntnhole
phrasing

[Sharp-edge]

18 hours ago, hntnhole said:

So much for astrology. 

And, I doubt she "made" you believe x, y, or z.  It's more likely you allowed her to believe she did.  Whether or not you actually believed whatever isn't the issue, the issue is, you (perhaps out of a generosity-of-heart) allowed her to think you believed the astrology thing.  A sense of empathy on your part would allow that, wouldn't it?  More, suppressing one's own emotions in favor of upholding others that seem to need support is a part of being empathetic. 

I still think you're a caring kind of guy, and the world needs more men just like you. 

You're probably right. I valued her high but she had mostly bad things to tell. She was a bit of what we called toxic. However all her comments made me consider and re-consider things. I learned to have faith in myself and not accept what other say as always true.

I really enjoy caring about others. I think love in general is the most natural thing to feel.  But many people turn to be selfish and ruin the whole thing. I have to admit though that I am more sensitive about guys. Maybe because I'm gay, or maybe because our society revolves aorund women.

[hntnhole]

3 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I learned to have faith in myself and not accept what other say as always true.

BINGO !!!  That's great .... it's what all folks need to accomplish at some point.  Kudos, bud !!!

 

3 hours ago, Sharp-edge said:

I am more sensitive about guys. Maybe because I'm gay

Ya think ?  Could be, right?😉  I know that I am far more attuned to guys then the other gender.  Maybe because I like to fuck guys, and don't like to get too close to women.  Maybe it's just the way we're naturally wired.