How do you define "Top"

[tallslenderguy]

i don't believe there is a standard, one size fits all definition for any of us, that we use labels like "Top, bottom, versatile, Dom, sub, etc.," as a starting place to convey who and how we are, but we can only find out what that means to the individual employing those labels is we ask them, communicate. 

That said, i wanted to throw it out to the community and get a discussion going on what you perceive and identify as "Top," what does it mean to you? 

For me, i think the number one attribute i associate with Top is He is a penetrator. That can have a very involved list beyond physical. For instance, i see "Cock" as much more than a penis. i also associate the energy and drive to use that cock as part of the cock as well. In that context, as a bottom, i see myself as having a penis, but not having a cock because i have no desire or need to penetrate another.  

A close second to that would be i am attracted to a Top's desire to be in control. Not in a forceful or mean way, just that They want to be in control sexually, take the reins, the lead. 

What got me thinking about this is i have had a FB for about four years. The first couple of years it was all fucking. Then one day He wanted to try sucking me. At first i was hesitant, but i really like the Guy and so i let Him. The one thing that made it okay for me is He just seemed to enjoy sucking me, but has never made me cum that way.  i actually like when a Top uses my penis to edge and make me more horny, but then redirects that horniness to His  cock and His orgasm. i actually love that. my FB doesn't really communicate well, very quiet despite endless effort on my part to communicate, i've just learned to accept Him as He is. 

Next, He got to a place where He wanted  me to suck Him. i actually really enjoyed this because He was very verbal when getting sucked, tho only time i got much feed back at all. He's a very quiet fucker. So, for me, His verbal expressions of pleasure when i suck Him still felt "Top" to me, even though i was doing all the work.  

Then He threw me another curve and wanted me to rim Him. i love a Mans ass, but it's typically all a visual thing for me. i have not desire or need to fuck or penetrate, and i perceive rimming as a Top desire/need. But i compromised... which i think is a bad thing in a sexual relationship, i think sex should always be based on mutual desire in order to sustain it, but that's just me.  But i like this Guy, so i did it. 

Long story short, now when we get together about 70% of the time is me giving Him oral, and mostly eating his ass, and the other day he expressed that he wished i would "stick my dick in."  I've been feeling that energy from him, that he was wanting me to go further and fuck him, but he finally expressed it verbally. He's young and Bi. i think i'm probably the only guy he's been with sexually and that he's still learning about his sexuality?  idk, but despite my clarity all along about being bottom and not doing those things, it's like he just glazes over and doesn't really get what i am saying.  i came right out and told him (again for the hundredth time) that i am not wired that way... he just doesn't get it. i told him he needed to find a top, and even suggested i know someone who'd be happy to Top him, but he seemed hesitant, which sort of reinforces my thought that i'm the only guy he's been with.

That is an example though. He's one of only a few guys i have ever rimmed, and now i see he is more centered on his hole and that feels bottom to me and i sort of wish i had never agreed to rim him, because now that is mostly what he wants.  He always ends fucking and breeding me, but the energy feels different.  

[VersAlwaysLooking]

Top is someone who is hard and wants to fuck and cum at that point in time.  
 

I top and bottom.  Sometimes I want nothing more than fucking and ass.   Sometimes I want to take dick.  

[NWUSHorny]

I may not fully understand the psychology of being a bottom, as I've defined myself as versatile since the 1st time I took a cock in my ass, which took about a year after the 1st time I fucked a man in the ass. For me at least a top is someone who is willing to be the penetrator regardless of whether he is willing to be penetrated as well.

With 30+ years of experience having sex with men, I'm not sure I have encountered anyone who was having ongoing sex with other men that remain total tops, eventually we all want to at least try bottoming, and most find they enjoy it. I know I have wound up topping every total top fuck bud I've ever had, some of them made bottoming only an occasional thing, but most became more versatile once they had tried the other position and wanted it fairly frequently.

[anonCUMtainer]

This topic strikes a little too close to home for me and I have to admit that I am triggered...

We actually had a unholy argument about this last night...we were up until 3 am. This issue is - that My partner of 20+ years presents himself to everyone as a top - and yet he has never asked me to douche so that he can fuck me. I have been struggling with this...why wouldn't a top ask his bottom to douche so he can fuck him?

So, what is a top? I would like to know.

DESIRE is alluded to by some of our versatile brothers - who DESIRE to fuck (aka TOP)  one day, or DESIRE to get fucked (aka BOTTOM) another. This to me is the BEST definition.

IF you DESIRE to penetrate you are a TOP - if you don't DESIRE penetrating an ass you are NOT.

The difficulty with this - is that DESIRE is fickle and nimble, and changes from one second, or one person, to the next. They may desire to TOP this person, but that not person. So, are they a TOP? Sometimes.

I give up.

[PozBearWI]

4 hours ago, NWUSHorny said:

I may not fully understand the psychology of being a bottom, as I've defined myself as versatile since the 1st time I took a cock in my ass, which took about a year after the 1st time I fucked a man in the ass. For me at least a top is someone who is willing to be the penetrator regardless of whether he is willing to be penetrated as well.

With 30+ years of experience having sex with men, I'm not sure I have encountered anyone who was having ongoing sex with other men that remain total tops, eventually we all want to at least try bottoming, and most find they enjoy it. I know I have wound up topping every total top fuck bud I've ever had, some of them made bottoming only an occasional thing, but most became more versatile once they had tried the other position and wanted it fairly frequently.

Most of my active fucking life I was vers; pretty much from the git go.  I flipped with my first fuck; and that no doubt influenced me.  ED has become my nemesis in recent years and I fear my fucking years, however much my will wants to; are unlikely.  At a point surgery will be recommended for my cancerous and often invading easy voiding prostate.  Next stop WRT voiding is removal.  Although potentially that might resolve me ED...  Hmmm

[BlackDude]

5 hours ago, NWUSHorny said:

I may not fully understand the psychology of being a bottom, as I've defined myself as versatile since the 1st time I took a cock in my ass, which took about a year after the 1st time I fucked a man in the ass. For me at least a top is someone who is willing to be the penetrator regardless of whether he is willing to be penetrated as well.

With 30+ years of experience having sex with men, I'm not sure I have encountered anyone who was having ongoing sex with other men that remain total tops, eventually we all want to at least try bottoming, and most find they enjoy it. I know I have wound up topping every total top fuck bud I've ever had, some of them made bottoming only an occasional thing, but most became more versatile once they had tried the other position and wanted it fairly frequently.

I’m “middle aged.” I have never bottomed, and don’t have a desire too.

The closest I came was a guy I was dating who was verse. I knew he wanted it. After a few drinks, and hot tub time, I decided to finally bite the bullet. Fortunately the booze and hot tub made us so relaxed for the evening, we both fell asleep. 
 

I woke up, the mood passed, and I haven’t come close again since. 

[Hungryforbbc]

If say you’re a top if you like fucking and getting sucked more than the alternative. A top can enjoy sucking dick but there are degrees. My preference is guys who identify as straight and aren’t interested in dick at all . But that’s me 🙂

[Webster9]

I can't speak for anyone else.  For me, a TOP wants to fuck me in the ass.  

[Luxbrit]

*Anyone can top, just like anyone can bottom

but I guess for me it’s all about the attitude 

[tallslenderguy]

3 hours ago, Luxbrit said:

*Anyone can top, just like anyone can bottom

but I guess for me it’s all about the attitude 

Where i see the divide runs deeper into ones psychology. It may be this is burned into me pretty deep because of my background. Processed out of a religious mindset where i (truly) believed there was no such thing as being gay. And many still think that way, including my ex wife and sons. That being gay is a life style choice.  They have a similar view, that obviously i can top and can also do so with a woman... so in thier minds and "attitude," i'm both straight and top because clearly, i can do both (i was married to a woman and produced kids). 

i don't think it's hard to understand that there are Tops, bottoms, versatile, Bi, straight, ad infinitum, variations of human sexuality, but i think some find it hard to accept that not everyone is like them.  

[Poz50something]

23 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

i see he is more centered on his hole and that feels bottom to me and i sort of wish i had never agreed to rim him, because now that is mostly what he wants.  He always ends fucking and breeding me, but the energy feels different.  

there are quite a few porn movies about bottoms rimming their tops - then getting the right royal rogering they crave. That's very top - and very bottom as well. The stereotypical bottom is someone who just lays there and expects the top to do ALL THAT WORK.  It's a drag. What I am questioning is why the roles are so defined. I see sex as being playful. I  mean, we're not trying to make babies, set up trust funds and college funds for children. We can relax and see it's about pleasure. You rim your top? It ultimately gets you the load you crave in your guts. 

[Poz50something]

My reference point os the erotic sculptures from Hindu temples in India. I see them as an allegory. They are playful. Yes, someone (a team most probably) actually took months to chisel this sculpture out of hard rock. Do thy depict real life? Do I think it actually happened? Did someone actually bonk a donkey? Might have happened, probably not. I would have loved to show you same-sex mithuna, but centuries of Muslim, British and Congress administration  has meant their destruction. 

[hntnhole]

Interesting question ...

I think it's more of an "orientation" that encompasses other characteristics in addition to sexual ones.  

There's a certain amount of self confidence involved, and some measure of humility as well.  There's also the - awareness? - that we're all connected, and we're able to "connect" in a very foundational way with our chosen "brothers".  "Topping", in and of itself carries a more dominant cachet as opposed to "bottoming", but that's merely a device we've invented to identify ourselves. 

I don't think intelligence has anything to do with it, rather it's more an emotional bent to leading rather than following.  There are Tops that are dull as dirt, and bottoms as bright as Einstein.  It's more an awareness, a sense of self, confidence in ones self, hopefully with a big dollop of humility as well.  There is a decent measure of self-confidence, of course, but that needs to be balanced with at least an equal measure of care for other's well-being too.  

Fucking is (or should be) a two-way street, with each guy having something to offer, and something offered to receive; not just the obvious, but also a meeting of the minds.  That can apply to a life-long relationship, or merely a hot fuck in some dark corner - provided the Top possesses the qualities that, while not bluntly obvious, are never the less clearly there.  Maybe a sense of being capable, being a leader - a follower not so much - self confidence cut with a generous helping of humility.  And, obviously, a deep need to share the ultimate act of being "together" - as one - even when it's only for a brief time.  

You mentioned communication; whether direct or indirect, whether bluntly stated or subliminally apparent, fucking, breeding together is the ultimate "communication", as I see it.  

You also posit the most interesting, thoughtful questions.  

[hntnhole]

On 8/4/2024 at 8:44 AM, tallslenderguy said:

but the energy feels different

Well, maybe it's an "expanding" energy he's feeling, and you're subsequently receiving.  Clearly, you're an important part of his life, and small wonder.

If I'm guessing correctly, he's been inculcated with the notion that Men do this and not that, and he figures he's a Man (true), and therefore he "can't" do that. 

Now that you and he have become close sexually, he's confident enough to want to experiment a bit.  Perhaps you've given him enough confidence that he trusts you so completely, he feels able to open up his mind to further sexual acts that (formerly) were so forbidden in his mind, he never dared to so much as try them.  

The spectrum of our sexuality is - as you well know - huge.  I would suggest that he's so trusting of you, so confident in your support, that maybe he's sniffing around something he never dared to so much as think about before meeting, knowing you.  Whether that possibility meshes with your expectations/needs/desires is, of course, another matter entirely.  

[BBDreamer]

16 hours ago, Webster9 said:

I can't speak for anyone else.  For me, a TOP wants to fuck me in the ass.  

YES! And I'd just add...ALL THE TIME!