Hello beautiful,
I spent the whole day today hanging out with Jordan. He’s recently gotten into aquariums and wanted me to go with him to a few around our area to look for driftwood, soil, and rocks so he could work on some aquascaping. Jordan’s someone I’ve wanted to hang out with for a while now, but the opportunity never came up—until today. I’m really glad it did, because I’ve learned that he often feels lonely at home. No one there really cares about his interests; they think it’s a waste of time. But hobbies and passions are what make life richer, and I want to support that in my friends—including Jordan.
By the end of our five-hour trip, he was so grateful that I’d spent the day with him, giving him the space to geek out over fish-related things. I happily walked beside him, listening the whole way, and I could feel the passion pouring out of him when he talked about fish. I was happy he could connect with the shop staff on such a deep level—much deeper than I could ever imagine doing myself.
On another note, I went on my first date with Brian yesterday… which I think will also be our last. He’s someone I’d connected with deeply over text, but unfortunately, that connection didn’t carry over in person. Right off the bat, he’s definitely more on the feminine side. There’s nothing wrong with that at all, but for me, attraction tends to spark with someone more straight-acting and masculine—it’s just my personal preference.
I also don’t think he enjoyed my “cooking” very much, even though it was store-bought and heated up. He barely ate, didn’t comment on the food, and didn’t thank me for dinner until the next morning. While we were talking, I noticed he fixated on certain details—like where I went to school and exactly what subjects I studied—more than I would have cared to. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering why these tiny details mattered so much to him. And then I realized why: it mirrored how I used to be with my ex. I’d get so detail-oriented that it would exhaust him, and now, here I was on the other side, feeling what he must have felt.
Back then, I thought remembering those details was proof that someone cared. But now, years later, I’m much more relaxed about it. People forget things because we’re human—it’s okay. You can always remind your partner later if it matters.
We played this word game called Poetry for Neanderthals, where you guess the word based on single-syllable clues. I sometimes use games like this as a low-stakes way to see if there’s compatibility. At one point, Brian told me to be quiet because my shouting out guesses was distracting him, and in that moment, I knew I’d made a mistake inviting him to stay the night. I realized I’d have to shrink myself a little, dial down my personality, just to make him comfortable—and I didn’t like that.
When we got into bed, I didn’t feel physically attracted to him. I gave him a cuddle out of habit, but didn’t share much more about my life. I didn’t feel it was a safe space to do so.
One more thing I noticed: half the time I was with Brian, my mind wandered to wanting to spend the night with Suf instead, if I’d had the chance. Suf’s in a healing process right now, figuring out who he is after a breakup. He’s been clear that he’s not looking for anything serious, and I accept that. I don’t want to overthink what it means that I was thinking about him while with someone else. I’m just calling it data—not something to run away from or bury, not something to name or conclude. Just… data.
I’ll find clarity soon. Have a good night tonight. Chat soon xx