GermanFucker

First of all: Teaching and bartending are good jobs if you are depressed, as they provide a constant stream of human contact. But if you are seriously considering suicide (there is a somewhat of distinction between considering suicide and "suicidal gestures" which are a just a cry for help and attention, albeit it's not all black and white), you should be equally serious about getting help, because you need it. Even just 45 minutes of therapy every week can help - A LOT. You also have to ask yourself what is really important. We all think we need certain stuff when in reality we earn money to look good for others, be it a hot outfit for a date or a bigger car so one's neighbor will be envious. Your mental health should be a higher priority than that. You don't have to become Ghandi. But you should take a step back from the rat race and focus on what really matters.

No, we don't.

That's the depression talking, which IMHO is your main problem right now. The HIV can be dealt with with meds. And even if it's inconvenient to go on meds for you right now, you still have plenty of time. Your immediate problem right now is depression. Which alters your brain chemistry so that you can't think clearly. It tells you that there's a perfect life out there and you're not worth it. Well that's bullshit. Everyone has shit to deal with, myself included. Life is messy and sometimes dirty. But that's no reason to feel shameful or worthless. Of course HIV changes a person. So did the heart defect of one of my family members. Being told one might need a transplant soon makes one rethink your options as well. So did the cancer of a close friend, who had both testicles removed at a young age. So did disabilities, autoimmune diseases, accidents, heck one might even say that goes for marrying the wrong partner as well. Not being a gay barebacker doesn't mean your life is perfect. And HIV really isn't different. Don't let anyone tell you one disease is noble and one is dirty. They're all just pains in the ass. But then again, theyre all just things that happen in one's life, and we can adapt to that. Because there are other things as well. Finding the right partner. Building a house. Getting a promotion. But right now you can't see that. Because your head is all fucked up by the depression. And even without further suicide attempts, living with depression has a significant impact on your health. Probably more so than HIV. Just like treatment for HIV, you need help navigating your way back to mental health. Let me repeat: Your real problem right now is NOT HIV. It's the fact that the shock has rewired your brain and you're not thinking straight. So best see a THERAPIST. You need one right now. Other than that: Don't shut yourself away from life, instead keep your daily routines. But do things that feel good, even if it's just reading a book while sunbathing in the garden. Approach the changes in your life in a sober way. If you can't make up your mind (which HIV specialist to see, when to go on meds, what insurance to get, whom to tell, etc....) because emotions cloud your judgement, "fake it till you make it", i.e. just act as if it weren't a big deal, as if you were giving advice to a friend and go with the most logical choice. Chances are, it's the right one. And once you realize, as you will if you just give yourself a little time (with the help of friends and hopefully a therapist), that you're not defective, that it isn't your fault and that you don't owe your family, calmness will set in and YOU WILL BE FINE.

If you've fucked for, say 20 minutes, the additional 20 seconds of exposure it takes to cum, won't make any difference risk-wise for the top. He might fuck other guys and is just being extra careful in case he caught something from the other guys before a test would show. Either way, everything said here is just speculation. If you want to know, you should tell him that you'd like his cum in your ass, even if it is "less safe". If he doesn't go for it you can ask him why he REALLY doesn't want to seed you. But in the end it is up to you to decide whether you want to trust him and accept his explanation.

The most important thing about being a top is attitude. The way you carry yourself has to say "I want to invade you", not "ravish me". Not all of that can be learnt. But the basics are simple. One thing is positioning. Easy to get wrong but just as easy to do right: Deny access to your ass while granting easy access to your dick. E.g. leaning against a wall is a classic cruising posture for tops: You can't get to the ass, but the cock is accessible at an 180° angle.

One has to keep in mind that medically "approved" doses (that were historically prescribed to keep awake or for weight loss purposes) are much, much lower than what addicts use. Pervitin aka. Panzer Chocolate (meth) was prescribed by Wehrmacht doctors in 3mg doses. AFAIK (having no personal experience with meth whatsoever) recreational doses are twenty or even a hundred times that. So while Adam's admittedly has a point, I wonder HOW MANY of those who might use the medical methamphetamine argument to rationalize recreational use actually fall into the same dosage category.

IMHO it's not the issues themselves that automatically lead to a drug habit, for many it's not as straighforward as "I'm being bullied so I need to numb the pain". It's more the lack of self-worth which comes with it that makes one vulnerable. That wish to be part of a community. The idea that one doesn't have an intrinsic value as a person, instead forever judging oneself by how hot and fuckable one is and to which circles one belongs.

Of course one can get HIV by topping, just look at Africa. However, the example of Africa (where most men get it from women when they are freshly infected themselves) also shows that the most important factor remains viral load. If it is very high, the top also has a high risk. Not as high as a bottom, but still immensly high. If the bottom is on meds the risk the risk is as near as makes no difference zero.

I voted no. Anyone whose sex life depends on the opinion of other shouldn't be having sex at all. It's your life, so take responsibility. Personally I find bugchasing supremely pointless. Just als poz1956 said: Why try to become poz when you can have just as much good just letting the dice roll (or even going on PrEP). But hey, for some guy's it's their fetish. A man's gotta do, what a man's gotta do. If being poz is your one obsession, noone can talk you out of it. But please, for the love of God, make sure that it's YOU who really wants it. Not some anonymous wankers on the internet talking you into it. Do what feels right for YOU. If sex means living someone else's fantasies instead of your very own, there's something going wrong.

One should point out: Taking pills that mess with your digestive systems and / or the way water is being stored and processed in your body without necessity, espcially if taken for prolonged periods of times, usually isn't a good idea. At least one should discuss with a doctor if there is a risk of problems (metabolising other medications etc.) and how much / how long can be considered safe.

BECAUSE I AM A MAN. Period.

Frankly, I don't really see what the big fuss is when it comes to other STDs (well maybe not hepatitis), because things like clamydia or gonorrhea are treatable / curable. You just have to abstain from sex for a short while and and follow doctors orders. There's nothing dirty or shameful about it. I once talked to a young barebacker, who basically told me "Well, I will get HIV and I'm fine with that, but I'm really afraid of syphillis." What the fuck? I've had syphillis. It's a short pain in the ass (literally, as you get antibiotic injections in the ass), but then it's gone. Just go see a doctor and deal with it. Nothing to worry about too much.

Just as a side note: I hope this decision was not just a way to avoid getting tested. It's always better to know one's status.

IMHO a tattoo is just a tattoo. Only the person sporting the tattoo really knows what it means to him and why he chose it. Sure, amongst gay barebackers a biohazard tattoo almost always means "poz", but assuming that maybe 5% of all men are gay, I'm not even sure within the whole population the majority of all men with a biohazard tattoo are poz. So it holds that specific meaning only for and within a small group. So yes, poison animals are an alternative to the blatant biohazard symbol, and many poz guys will choose them for that reason: To make an intimate personal statement without being overly obvious. But they are also cool tattoo art in general. So it always depends on the guy and the situation. If a bi guys who discovered barebacking 4 months ago has one, he probably just liked the design. It's likely different with the guy who shows up at every bareback orgy in town. But unless one asks, were all just making asses out of ourselfs (u and me) by assuming.

Reminds me of a guy I once fucked (bareback of course). After we finished I just had to ask: "What was that squeaking sound?" - " That was the condom in my sock. But man, you're so big and I just couldn't deny you...." The moral of the story: It's not enough to bring one.

I like variety, but it's gotta be somewhat muscular (after all the ass is a muscle). That can be slim and toned or beefy. I don't like bony or saggy asses. When it comes to body hair, it's always the same answer from me: It's gotta fit your type, whether it's a smooth boyish ass our a hairy rugged outdoorman's bottom. Just don't try to be something you're not (like if you have 4 hairs on your ass but let them grow to a foot's length... yuck). Proper weight training: squats, deadlifts etc.

How about simply, honestly saying so? If you have a condom lying around that only means that you don't mind being fucked by a rubbered-up dick. If you want to make sure the top uses a condom, bring your own, tell the top at the appropriate moment (i.e. early enough so that he can leave and find a better bottom) and be unequivocal about it. The rest is up to the top to decide. However, be prepared for the top to walk away. That being said, why should anyone here help you to steal tops away from bareback bottoms *LOL.

I'd also imagine that some fetishists here go on and off meds (which if you want to live a long and healthy poz life is a terrible idea), as they embrace rather than fear med resistance. But that would mean ups and downs, rather than consistently high numbers. Somehow I can't shake the suspicion that some numbers are also pure fantasy. I'm really sure about the antibodies. Existing antibodies in the body have a limited life span (AFAIK they have a half time of a few weeks) and production of new ones is linked to T-cell status, so if there are almost no T-cells left, antibodies for HIV will also plummet. I know for a fact that with a standard search test (antibody / ELISA), late-stage AIDS patients can test negative. The first graph illustrates that quite well, I think. I've never heard the same thing about viral load / PCR testing, though. All I ever came across is that over the course of last year (or so) the VL usually skyrockets.

Sorry, but you misundertstood. I maybe should have elaborated more. I thought it was clear from the context, that I wasn't talking about inital infection. You are of course completely correct that one reaches such a high viral load shortly after infection as well. But depending on your immune response it drops rather quickly. Some guys on this thread are talking about "building up" their viral load and maintaining it over years, both of which doesn't apply to a primary infection, where your viral load only spikes because you're not producing antibodies yet. Once antibody production starts, it usually drops somewhat quickly, even without ARVs (of course, there's some variation, depending on one's own specific immune response). It's just the surprisingly high number of postings along the line of "I have a viral load of a million and am completely med-resistant" (something which doesn't really apply to the freshly infected), that I just don't get. I have heard of that phenomenon, which you say happens just right before death. To the best of my recollection this is because at that point the immune system is completely depleted. But as far as I know it's usually more common with antibody testing, because the immune system doesn't produce enough antibodies anymore for testing. I'm not quite as sure about PCR testing, but I image it's also possible once the virus runs out of feedstock. (Source: University of South Carolina via Google) But either way that doesn't contradict what I said. Over the course of the latency period, the viral load will be somewhat stable or slowly climb, while t-cells are being depleted. But that point it usually doesn't go into the millions. (Source Lehigh University via Google) Only when t-cells have gone below the 200 or so mark, it will then grow exponentially into the hundred thousands or millions. In any case, regardless of what phenomena might happen RIGHT before death, a viral load of a million will still be indicative of an HIV infection being far along with its course. Generally speaking the viral load will RISE sharply towards the end, not decline.

Could somebody please enlighten me? To the best of my knowledge the medical facts are: Statistically speaking only those with very few T-cells left reach such high viral loads. As a result, someone with around a million should (without antiretrovirals) only have a remaining life expectancy of a few months, certainly less than a year. So how can some guys post such high numbers for years? @ whatineed: if you're 100% resistant, isn't it more likely that you haven't got enough time left to infect many negs, as you will die soon? This isn't meant to be sarcastic, I mean it as a serious question. Some of the numbers boasted on this thread just don't make sense to me. So is it just fantasy? Or which other factors come into play to make it possible / plausible?

I think this BY FAR THE BEST RULE OF THUMB: Being undetectable is AS SAFE AS USING A CONDOM.

I wouldn't say there's a huge change (also not many hormones in European beef and dairy products) from before. Just the normal variation you'll find everywhere in society. I know 15-year-olds that are totally immature. Also, it's not a physical thing alone. One can have the body of an adult, but without the corresponding mental attitude - reflected in one's demeanour, one will just look like an overgrown boy. As to Dozer: I'd definitely fuck him.

When I was 23 (or 24 maybe?) I had a crush on this 15-year old. Only that I though he must be 20 or 21, as he was a total gym rat, a broad-shouldered jockish type.

I don't get it. The overwhelming majority of tops prefer tight, muscular holes that milk one's dick (one of the best fucks when it comes to technique I had with a professional dancer, his ass knew how to work bare dick just right). So why this obsession with having a loose, unattractive hole? Why try to make one's ass less appealing by stretching it out?

P.S.: Sometimes when it comes to love and family we get so emotionally involved that we aren't able to see the simple truth. That's where a therapist can help you and make you realize what should be self-evident: You are ok the way you are. Sometimes things just don't work out the expected way. It's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you if you can't fulfill the expectations of others. Parents loving their to bits but at the same time expecting conformity can be just as smothering as openly trying to run your life. But it is YOUR LIFE. You say your parent's are the way theay are. Realize that you have the same right to be who YOU are. It's not your job to please others. YOU have the right to choose whom to confide in and whom to show the "real" you. Just as long as you don't go around parading false versions of yourself. For the sake of others, sure, but most of all: FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.