VersatileBreeder

Thank you once again for the encouragement, wood. It has been almost two months since I got the news and everyday is an emotional roller coaster. Obviously, now is not as bad as it was in the very beginning when my body was literally in pain from the mental stress, but it has still been very tough. I just can't shake the worries. Constant thoughts invade my mind every minute of every day. Thoughts like- will I be able to get on meds without breaking myself financially (I am trying to figure out ADAP right now, my income qualifies, but my insurance coverage might disqualify me). Will I be healthy? What does my future have in store for me? I just feel like this disease is going to keep me from attaining any of my life's goals and it makes me question my future A LOT. I didn't really want to bring this up on this site, but I figure that since most people are very candid about things, I should be too.... I've been having suicidal thoughts. Before you get alarmed, let me just repeat- thoughts. Not impulses or anything of the like. If I didn't kill myself when I got the initial diagnosis, I don't see it being something that will likely happen. I have just been wondering things like, "if my life is going to just be (mental) pain and constant worry, in addition to not being able to see any good future ahead of me, is life really worth living... or would it just be easier to call it quits?" Like I said, don't get alarmed. I'm not going to off myself over an HIV diagnosis. But my point is, just simply having these thoughts is far from healthy and I want to be able to shut thoughts like that along with any other negative, unhealthy thoughts out of my head. It's funny you should mention that summer is coming. Not sure where you're located, but I'm in NJ and winters suck up here. This winter has been particularly cold and the snow has been very bad. I had two minor car accidents with my very un-snow-friendly Mustang because of the snow and ice which cost me a lot of money this season. All in all, winter has always brought seasonal depression on me under normal circumstances, which is why getting my diagnosis smack in the middle of January was probably the worst point in the year I could have gotten it. Summer has always been my favorite season (though the humid sticky heat here in the northeast can be a bitch also). I am hoping that the change of season *may* help bring up my mood as it always has in the past, though this particular year, I am dealing with a stress catalyst I have never had to deal with before.

Tiger, I totally agree with you there and I'm trying to not think about it negatively. I actually recently had a similar conversation with a friend of mine who became poz six months ago. He was telling me about how he hates taking pills and how he hates that every time he has to take his pill, it's a constant reminder that he has HIV. My response to him was, "it does suck to have that constant reminder, but you have to feel some sense of gratitude that you are dealing with this in 2014 where that pill will keep you alive and healthy for a very long time, whereas if this were 20 years ago, you would not be so lucky." So, I do see the other side of it. As for what your doctor said about there being a cure sooner than later, I hope he is right. This disease has been around for a long time and in the very beginning, people thought there would be a cure within a couple of years. Over 30 years later, there still is no cure. Advances in medication have come a very long way and have completely turned the game around on what it means to live with the disease, but still no cure. It makes me wonder if there ever will be a cure or if science has come as far as it can in controlling the disease. Billions of dollars have been spent in hopes for a cure and the end result is sophisticated medication and just knowing that this is a very elusive virus. I'm not trying to sound like a downer or sound like I am disagreeing with your doctor; I am just stating the facts that I know that make me question whether we really are on the brink of a cure. If we are, that is great and it would definitely be something for us all to look forward to. If not, at least we still have great medication options, which I am sure will only get better and more sophisticated as time goes forward.

Tiger, it sure has been a grieving process. I never thought of it along the lines of "grieving" but it definitely is. I feel like I have lost a loved one. In this case, I guess that "loved one" is the person I thought I was (or thought I knew). I feel like part of me died and I don't know how I am going to make it through the rest of my life with just this other part of me. What is interesting, Tiger, is I keep telling myself exactly what you said- everything happens for a reason. Now, I can't explain in the grand scheme of life why this happened to me at age 29 (I would have been happier if this happened 20 or 30 years later) and I keep asking myself what is the bright side to this- being infected with a deadly disease that requires lifelong and disciplined medication to keep it under control. The only thing I can possibly fathom as an answer to that is that in the past, I have held myself back from doing a lot of things and being the person I want to be in life. I guess you can say that I took life for granted and I never really saw the big picture with a lot of things. Maybe this event will change me for the better- make me open my eyes, push me over that hump and make me become the person that I want to be. That is kind of what has been keeping me going through the past month and a half, though I am still dealing with all the aforementioned mental issues I stated in my original thread.

bearbandit, as always, you provide some great insight and ideas. I know we are all different in how we cope with major life changes like this. There are some people who can recover mentally very quickly from finding out they are HIV+, whereas there are others who may never recover. I just hope I am not part of the latter in that respect. There is a non-profit group near where I live called NJ Buddies- they are a support network for HIV+ people. Every Monday night, there is a support group specifically for gay men, and on Wednesdays, there is a more generalized support group for men and women. I am not sure which one I would go to just yet. I have never been to a support group before and I am a little nervous about going, though I am certain I will feel fine once I go there once or twice. I am sure it will be beneficial for me also in the end. I still have not told any friends or family about my HIV status and I don't intend to (at least not anytime soon). My doctor also recommended me to "keep it to myself" if I am not comfortable disclosing it to those who are not on a need to know basis. The only release and venting area I have had is this website and these forums. And I am not trying to impugn this site by any means, it has been great to have a place to let it all out, even if it is the internet, and you guys have all been great. I just think it would be good for me and very healthy to get it out in person. Later down the road, once I have gotten a handle on this for myself, I hope I can give back and help guys who fall into the same situation I am in now.

NYCBearpig, I'm sorry to hear life hasn't gone back to normal for you. It sounds like you have been able to stay strong through it all and all of the things you mentioned- psoriasis, HPV related issue, etc are all annoying, but at least they are not life threatening. My doctor keeps assuring me, "you're going to be fine," and I hope he is right. I have a few poz friends who have been on meds and undetectable for quite a while and they have all been healthy as ever, so I am hoping to achieve that same level of health. And yeah, if anyone ever told you that they stealthed you, they would definitely be due for a good old Bronx beatdown. Also originally from the Bronx here

Hey bud, this has definitely been quite a transition period and I just want it to be over. Therapy and support groups have been high on my list of things to do and once I get on meds, I am going to actively seek it out. It sure as hell feels like post traumatic stress disorder at this point. I keep thinking back to the day I found out- it replays in my head like a bad dream. I am trying not to let this define me, but it is a hurdle I need to get over. I am definitely looking forward to meeting up when you're in the area next month. PM me with the dates you're going to be around. Thanks!

seaguy, therapy has been something I have been heavily considering even before I found out I was poz (for other life issues). Since I found out I am poz, therapy seems like a must at this point. I am wondering if there are any psychologists or therapists that specialize in helping people with major life issues like finding out they are HIV+.

Thanks Walterth139. I am looking forward to being undetectable because at least then, I can feel secure that the virus is being neutralized and under control of the medication. I hope things really do settle down after that. It has been a scary thought, however, to have to know that my health is basically reliant upon a pill that I have to take EVERY day for the REST of my life. Once I get a routine down with the meds, though, I plan to get a rigorous workout routine going and I want to get in and stay in the best shape of my life. I keep telling myself that my life isn't over and that I will live a long, healthy life. The uncertain part of that is how healthy I will be mentally throughout it because of this.

Thanks nekofox. That is what I am hoping for, to be like your friend who can just treat it as its a part of me, not something that defines me. I am trying not to overthink it, but unfortunately my true thoughts and feelings override the thoughts and feelings I try and want to instill in my head.

It has been about a month and a half since I found out I am HIV+. It was very rocky and hard to accept in the beginning, but I got past that acceptance part of it. I have had a lot of support from BBRT members in the beginning and it was a great help. I have been seeing an ID specialist and will be getting on meds very soon, once I get all the stuff for ADAP together. What I am wondering, and I hope some poz guys on here can share their experiences, is at what point after finding out you are poz does life go back to normal? Now, when I say normal, what I mean is being able to live your life comfortably in your own skin as you had before you were poz. I know that life is changed forever when you find out you are poz and that it is a big game changer. However, I am thankful for the fact that the new medications will likely let me live a long, healthy life and that this is not a death sentence like it used to be. I have been able to accept that I am poz. I am not in denial about it. What I haven't been able to get past are the feelings of self-blame (I am constantly beating myself up for "letting" myself get HIV), hopelessness (I feel like my future is ruined and I won't be able to achieve my goals in life) and overall sadness. No matter what I am doing or thinking about during the day, the HIV thoughts just keep jumping in on me. I feel like the "old me" is gone. The "old me" used to be upbeat and I used to get excited about the things I love in life (traveling, being amongst friends/family, music, sports, etc). The "new me" is just a guy who is trying to function and make it through each day in this new life with HIV, just going through the motions. I guess that pretty much equals depression. As much as I try to tell myself that everything is going to be OK and I am going to live a long healthy life, I always counter it with feelings that I failed myself and ruined my life anyway, so what's the point? I know I am not the only one to go through this, however, it seems to me that there are many guys who have been able to get their life back. What I am curious to know from other guys' experiences are- when did those negative feelings lift off of you and go away? When did you get the "old you" back? At what point did this new life that you thought was going to be dreadful turn out to just be regular old life, but plus one or two extra pills a day and an extra four doctor visits a year? When did constant thoughts of HIV stop haunting you and you were able to make it through the day without having to think about it?

Hey, glad to see you guys have taken an interest in the blog. I started up a new blog post and am about halfway finished with it. I will post it very soon, if not later tonight, by tomorrow night. I'll keep you posted when it goes up!

Bearbandit, sounds like you know a thing or two about Stribild . One thing I am just curious about, you said in your response, "Cobicistat is a booster drug: it preoccupies the liver into getting rid of it rather than the more active drugs in the pill." What do you mean when you say it preoccupies the liver into getting rid of it? As far as if I were to consider Atripla, I am a teacher, so I am not working with dangerous machinery like the urban legend you mentioned about the crane driver in London. Then again, I wouldn't exactly want to have anything happen that would impair my teaching or even worse, driving a car. So those are a couple of things I would be wary of. I didn't mention this in my original thread, but I was on PEP once before (last summer actually). So, this actually isn't my first rodeo with HIV drugs. I was put on a 28 day course of Truvada and Sustiva. I remember the first two days I was on it, all the muscles in my entire body got painfully sore, but it went away quickly. I also got a little bit dizzy, but I was able to get over it quickly too. Nausea was a minor issue in the first couple of weeks, more of an annoyance than an actual problem. I never got nauseous to the point of vomiting. So, if Stribild has less common occurrence of side effects, I would say that I would probably be fine with it.

Hey bud, good to hear that you see and hear good things about Stribild. So far, I have had great experience with the good Dr. Kocher and I intend to follow his best recommendation and ask any necessary questions along the way. Thanks for the well wishes and I'll see you in NJ!

Those of you guys who have followed my other threads know my situation, but for any new guys reading this... Summed up: I recently turned poz, I didn't want it, and was having a major struggle coping with it in the beginning. Many guys on here have really helped me through that first hurdle, which I am extremely thankful for. I am making progress and taking all the right steps to get my health in check so that I can (hopefully) live a long, happy and healthy life. The latest in these events is I went back to my ID specialist last Friday to consult with him after having all my initial lab work done. The results were 70,000 viral load, 700 CD4 count, the genotype looks fine (no apparent drug resistance). The doctor says that the CD4 is very good, but he believes the 70K viral load is enough justification to get on meds now, if not soon. He says that people get the best long-term results when starting the meds before the CD4 count starts dropping and damage is done to the immune system. I agree with him and I have been eager to get on meds sooner than later anyway. He says that given the sensitivity of the genotype with no resistance, we have many options for a choice of drug, but his recommendation is Stribild. I have not heard much about Stribild until very recently. Truvada is the drug I always seem to hear of, as well as Atripla (I have a friend who is on it) and Complera. My doctor says that Atripla was his preferred prescription for his patients until Stribild came out because Atripla seems to have common central nervous system side effects (vivid dreams, dizziness, anxiousness, etc) that are not common in Stribild. My friend who is on Atripla mentioned to me that his doctor had told him a while back that taking Stribild can be risky because it is the newest generation of HIV drug on the market and if it fails you, you cannot easily switch to one of the other drugs like Atripla or Complera because now there can be resistance to them, whereas if one of the other drugs failed you, you could migrate to another one including Stribild. All this meaning that if for some reason the Stribild stops working for me, I could be shit out of luck. I am not sure if he was misinformed or misunderstood this information. He also said Stribild is among the most expensive of drugs. So, I am wondering- what do you guys know about Stribild? Anyone on here taking it? Good results? Anything to watch out for? Naturally, I want to follow my doctor's best recommendation, but at the end of the day, this pill is going to be going into my body and frankly, I am going to have to rely on it to save my life in the long run. I want to make an informed decision as to the drug of choice before just jumping on in.

rickjamel, I took a look at the FDA warning. It looks like it's a warning against taking it in conjunction with nitrates, the same warning that is given in the commercials for Viagra and Cialis. So, I that seems to mean that if you shouldn't take Viagra or Cialis... Then you shouldn't take Vitalikor either. But, if you don't take nitrates, there is no apparent reason why Vitalikor wouldn't be OK to use.

I typically don't mind topping guys with hairy asses, even if they are REALLY hairy. I do, however, LOVE a nice smooth completely hairless ass best. The only time, hair has ever been an issue for me is when a guy shaves his hole and it starts coming back stubbly. A stubbly hole can make for an abrasive and uncomfortable fuck (I had this issue with an old fuck bud of mine).

There is a pill you can buy at GNC called Vitalikor. I've used it for a couple years because I used to get anxiety about staying hard when topping, which caused me to lose my hard on, even though I was fully aroused. I tried Vitalikor and had awesome results with it. Not to mention it's much cheaper than Viagra and Cialis, and no prescription needed. Some reviews I've read we're from guys who also said it worked better for them than Viagra and Cialis.

Hey guys, just thought I'd check in with an update. Spoke to my ID doctor today. All my labs came back and my VL is 70,000 (doc said that's pretty high and should start meds right away). Wondering if I should be alarmed by that. Genotype came back fine he said- no drug resistance he could find. So I have an appointment to see him Friday and hopefully I can get on meds ASAP.

Earlier tonight, for the first time ever I think, a top man truly owned my hole. Met him on BBRT and went over to his house. He was a lean, hard body black guy with a real nice 8" or so cut cock, medium thickness. It started off with me sucking him, then me on my knees with him sliding into my hole. I thought it would go on like that for maybe another 10 or 15 minutes before he shot in my hole and sent me on my way. Boy was I wrong. He took me into his bedroom and put me on the bed doggy style. He continued fucking me. Switched the positions a couple times- put me on my belly, on my side. When I was on my side, he pissed in my hole a big load of piss. Filled my ass up real good. He continued fucking me, but now my ass felt really full like I needed to go to the bathroom and let it out. He wanted to continue fucking me full of piss. This went on for another hour and it was challenging. When he would drive his cock all the way in me, the full feeling in my ass made it feel like his cock was HUGE. He just kept fucking and fucking and fucking. But I laid there and took it like a good sub bottom. My ass was his for the taking, however he wanted it. Finally, it got to a point where my hole just couldn't take his cock anymore. This was a first for me. I am a pretty tough and resilient bottom. I don't tap out, ever... Until now. After two hours of taking his cock (one hour of which was with an ass full of piss), my hole just couldn't take anymore. Plus, he was going at it harder and rougher. I said, "dude, I can't take anymore." He started fucking harder and faster. I knew he was getting close. And I really wanted that load. I took it for another 20 seconds or so hoping he would cum, but it was getting increasingly hard to keep this up. Again I said, "I can't take your cock anymore bro, can we stop?" He muttered something I couldn't understand and now was fucking at full speed. He was really pushing past my breaking point. Finally, he moaned out loud and unleashed his week old load inside my hole. I felt his cock pulsing in my hole and it felt really, really good. I don't know how I let a guy who I just met for the first time take the role of master on my hole, but this guy just had all the makings of a good master. I am glad I took it all the way to completion. He owned my hole, for the very first time someone did. I can't wait to meet him again.

At this point in my life, I have little fear of other STD's. I have recently converted poz and that was my biggest fear. I had syphilis two years ago and was diagnosed with herpes 3 years ago. The syphilis was a penicillin shot in the ass and it was gone. The herpes I still question whether I really have or not (the tests are said to be highly unreliable) and I have never had a single outbreak, not even once (knock on wood). Right now, the only STD I somewhat worry about is Hep C, though I don't do any kinds of drugs nor play with guys that do. I have also heard that the jury is still out on whether it can be transmitted sexually as many seem to believe it is a direct blood to blood transmission. Those aside, I know that the others- gono, chlamydia, syph, etc are easily curable. Not to say that I would want them, but if I did get them, they aren't going to destroy my life. I already am poz, so that's the big one I no longer have to worry about.

Trust me, there's nothing fun or erotic about it. Happened to me once when I was getting fucked by one guy and sucking off another in a 3way. The guy I was sucking off pulled his cock out of my mouth and wanted to shoot it on my face/mouth. He was a pretty fierce and heavy shooter and when he was jerking his cock off, he unintentionally (I think) got the first shot straight in my right eye. It burned like hell and made my eye all red and squinty. I tried Visine and it didn't do much. It was like that for a few hours and unfortunately, I had to meet some friends afterward. They all thought I had pink eye. My eye didn't really clear up until the next morning. I wouldn't recommend trying it. I highly doubt you will find it enjoyable.

Thanks JizzDump, what did you guys think of the first blog post?

Deep breath man. There were MANY times in the last few years I would get sick and would fear that I was converting and I was wrong. Unfortunately, this last time, it really did happen, but you may very well be wrong.

Well, the reason his comment shocked me is maybe because I haven't seen the darker side of diabetes. I have an uncle (not blood related uncle) who has diabetes. He takes a shot of insulin every day, but I don't think he has ever suffered from any significant health detriments. Not to sound like I am trying to make light of diabetes (I know it can be very bad for certain people), but I always thought for the most part, it is pretty manageable. But of all people, to come from an infectious disease doctor? Implying that diabetes is WORSE than HIV? I just would have never expected that.

The other day when I saw my ID doctor, he made a comment that surprised me. When I was asking him about the effectiveness of the new HIV drugs out there as well as how "chronic" HIV is exactly, he responded with, "with the sophistication of the new drugs out, if someone told me I had to choose between having diabetes and HIV, I would be hard pressed to choose diabetes." His comment somewhat surprised me but also kind of made me feel better. What do you guys think of that? Do you think it's kind of a stretch? Or would you agree with him there?