Hey guys,
thanks a ton for all your messages and the encouragement and perspectives to review. In the meantime, I have met with two guys, one neg and one undetectable and had a fabulous time. The sex with the undetectable guy was very intimate and it kind of calms me down that when the time has come, I can let my mind wander to enjoying a very intimate moment rather than listening to my self doubts.
Great advice thanks and will take this to my heart. Just don't assume that actual age also means maturity in all facets of a human being. Yes, I am living my kinky side since 12 years or so. Still barebacking and admitting to want to receive POZ loads is some new aspect that I am seeking out in my live now. So that's why I asked and thanks to your and the others comments, I can grow into accepting what I really want inside of me after a live of being told that these desires are wrong.