Thanks for sharing your journey and the vulnerability of your questioning.
I can relate to many of your steps.
I was pozzed before the development of PreP. I really wasn't chasing, but the night I said "fuck it, I’m giving into my overwhelming desire for bb" I got knocked up. I'll never forget the thrill of feeling him climax deep inside me. Knowing this stranger was newly diagnosed and therefore highly toxic just added to the thrill.
When I left the doctor's office with my diagnosis I spent an instant feeling upset and guilty, but just an instant. I gave myself a shake and reminded myself I chose to take the risk "It's done, regret and guilt won't help. "
In my thinking and value system sex is meant to be intense! For me risk adds to that intensity! It's why I love raw sex with strangers.
I would encourage you to trust your questions and trust your path no matter what others think one way or the other. If you need to embrace the risk, flush the pills in celebration 🍾