Trying For A New Relationship

[RWHID]

First off, if this is the wrong section, please forgive me...

 

As many of you know, I was in a relationship for a year, my boyfriend did a lot of bad things to me, he ended up in jail and is still there. I ended up ending things last year, and tried to move on with two different guys I met. Both were liars and cheaters. They didn't last long. Those are the main reasons my ex didn't last. Recently, I met this nice guy. We have been hanging out a lot. I stay at his place when I'm in town, and he has came with me to my parent's house. He can't really come to my place at the moment (long story). We are trying to make it work, but I don't know. He gets upset a lot over little stuff, then will ignore me for a day. Tonight I was asking him some questions, he clearly got confused with people he was texting and sent a message to me that was clearly meant for someone else. He said I was the only one he was talking to, so I asked him to call, and he said he was talking to his friend? I also seen he had bumped his CL post up, and he claimed CL did it on it's own. I have seen him on A4A and he claims I am delusional. He is on it now, yet refuses to talk to me? If he has friends on there and they chat, that's fine with me, I done made that clear, but then he gets mad at me if I even mention saying hi to another gay person? I really want this to work, but not sure I can do it on my own. When I try to talk about it, he shuts me down and says I am jealous. I don't know.

 

Anyone here with some helpful advice?

[MackyJay]

The guy sounds like an asshole and you should dump him and move on quickly.

[drscorpio]

He is exhibiting controlling behavior. This isn't going anywhere good. I agree with MackyJay.

[bearbandit]

To me honesty is the deal-breaker. Either the CL incident might happen by accident or you might have mistaken someone else for him on A4A, but both is stretching things a little too far. Personally I don't have a problem with a guy I'm seeing fucking around (in fact right now, in another window, the guy I'm seeing is talking about his planned threeway this evening), but I do if he lies about it. If what's happened is a deal-breaker for you, then either get out of the relationship, or get him to be honest about fucking around and learn to accept it. The latter is the hardest route, and given the way that he's already lied about it, probably the least likely to work.

I'd say you should try and assess what you want from a relationship, how wide the boundaries are (in that there are always grey areas), and what you can't tolerate in a relationship. Then use that as a framework to build on when you meet someone (else, probably) you're interested in. Talking about things can only be positive, as long as you stick to honesty...

[cam1972]

This early on in the relationship and this is happening.... Run as fast as you can and don't look back. It's only going to go downhill from here. He's telling someone else that they are the only one he's talking to.... He's a player. If he is stressing you out now, think how it will be in the future. Seems to be a total lack of respect for you. You deserve better. Especially given your past experiences. Find someone who values you. He's not relationship material in my opinion.

[culo99]

Regardless of what anyone will comment is about what you feel and think.

if this happened to you twice ,clearly you know where is going.

if you enjoy him while he is with you, take it for what it is casual relationship with no attachment .

sorry to say but just ale one day at the time.

if what you need is not there then you know what to do.if you want to hold little longer only you can decide

best of luck .

[RWHID]

To me honesty is the deal-breaker. Either the CL incident might happen by accident or you might have mistaken someone else for him on A4A, but both is stretching things a little too far. Personally I don't have a problem with a guy I'm seeing fucking around (in fact right now, in another window, the guy I'm seeing is talking about his planned threeway this evening), but I do if he lies about it. If what's happened is a deal-breaker for you, then either get out of the relationship, or get him to be honest about fucking around and learn to accept it. The latter is the hardest route, and given the way that he's already lied about it, probably the least likely to work.

I'd say you should try and assess what you want from a relationship, how wide the boundaries are (in that there are always grey areas), and what you can't tolerate in a relationship. Then use that as a framework to build on when you meet someone (else, probably) you're interested in. Talking about things can only be positive, as long as you stick to honesty...

 

He said the ad wasn't bumped, but it was and now it's been deleted. He said before he wasn't on Adam, but it showed he was. Last night while he ignored me, it showed he was on Adam from my computer, but offline for Adam on my mobile, so I'm not sure, but I know ads don't get bumped by themselves.

 

I did ask what he wanted in a relationship, and he said the same as me, someone honest who won't judge him by his past, and I haven't done that yet. I did ask if he wanted a third to join in from time to time it was fine with me, as long as I knew about it, but he stressed he didn't need anyone else, as long as I was giving him what he needed, he needed no one else... hmmm...

Regardless of what anyone will comment is about what you feel and think.

if this happened to you twice ,clearly you know where is going.

if you enjoy him while he is with you, take it for what it is casual relationship with no attachment .

sorry to say but just ale one day at the time.

if what you need is not there then you know what to do.if you want to hold little longer only you can decide

best of luck .

 

He also says to take it one day at a time. That is something I am new with doing, but am willing. Then he starts telling everyone I'm his boyfriend, which made me happy that he actually ackoleges me around people, but then he gets in a stressed mood, and I seem to be the target of anger. His friend who he was trying to date in June I believe told me he was bipolar, and I see why. I am bipolar and I see a lot of the same effects in him I once did me...

[bearbandit]

as long as I was giving him what he needed

 

Sorry but red flags go up at that line: he's asking for you to give everything he wants on demand and should you fail to give him the metaphorical goods, he'll do as he damn well pleases. You don't give ultimatums in successful relationships.

 

You're not responsible for his well-being or mental health and it sounds like he's trying to use you to affirm himself. Personally I'd be saying "thanks, but no thanks"...

[rawcumhole4u]

He sounds extremely controlling, and manipulative.  And I agree with most people on here saying these are all reds flags.

 

My advice is to leave him. If you get lonely without being in a relationship get a dog it will help to mitigate loneliness.

[Leather69]

Dump him.. it won't work and you will wind up even more frustrated. Find someone who is HONEST.

[cam1972]

I know what it's like to really want someone and to want them to love me. I'm sure most guys on here do. Even tho they didn't treat me right, I made every excuse in the book for them. But in the end, all I came away with was a broken heart. And a bruised ego. I can tell by your response to others that you are in that position. "Well.. He does this because...... And it showed him on one but not the other.... " I really do get it. You really like the guy. But, stud, you deserve so much more than what he is giving you. I don't think all of these guys can be wrong. I know one said that it's your choice, and he is right. But you did get on here and ask our opinions. Please don't take them lightly. A lot of voices of experience speaking to you on here. Don't ignore them. There's someone who will treat you like the incredible person you are. Don't pass up a future opportunity for someone who isn't being honest with you. My grandmother used to say... "It's better to be single than to wish you were." I know in my last relationship, there were too many times I wished I had been single. So I'm in no rush to be in a relationship. Don't make that mistake. Don't settle.

[Ranger Rick]

Sometimes, I think Roger the Alien on 'American Dad' is the most realistic portrayal of a gay man on TV.

 

That may seem like a non-sequitur, but actually it isn't. The BF in this situation is acting like one of Roger's personalities.

[AlwaysOpen]

Abort abort abort-- dude, this guy is doing the silent treatment  on you  in a dating setting, do you have any idea what his behavior will toll on you  should you live together?? Fuck him and his attitudes- but I would suggest you  might want to explore  why you are drawn to guys who are such shits to you. I do not know you or your personality, but maybe you  could find someone to help  explore what is driving you to men who end up in jail or abusive to you, and modify whatever  it is

[Kylan]

  Given that you already have a history of falling in with a guy who was controlling and damaging you need to be extra sensitive to watching out for similar creeps, oddballs and liars.  You may find that being cautious about these things is difficult for you, which is not a flaw, but just  a characteristic to talk into account, like knowing that you are allergic to peanuts or that living in a noisy environment is bad for you. 

One way to address your sensitivity is to have some simple tests you can apply that you know will tell you when there is a problem.  For instance, does the guy make you feel bad about yourself?    Ignoring your emotional or sexual attraction to him, do you feel uneasy about dealing with him? I.e., is your gut a little quesy?

 

In your case, a simple test might be to consider the following statement:  

"Real guys interested in real relationships are not sketchy."   

This is a true fact.  If you don't believe it intuitively, just accept it as something that is true because people who AREN'T suffereing your allergies have said it to you.  Repeat it like mantra.  

If you are after a guy who is sketchy, he is not interested in a real relationhip.  

[Bottomhole]

Why waste what little time you have with this dude? I imagine it would get boring very fast with these conversations about trust issues. Chalk it up as a loss(for him) and move on. My boyfriend of 6 months was telling me recently, that before we met he tried seeing one or two guys, one who he was interested in having a relationship with. However the guy became non-responsive and flaky, so he said "fuck it" and gave up looking for love, and just reverted back to using guys for sex. Then met me on a hook-up site. We are both in love, have never had an argument yet, and trust each other completely. I think when you stop looking so hard it might find you. Perhaps change up where you are meeting these men.

 

Oh and as for the A4A thing, I still check my recon infrequently, just to chat to old friends or look around, I wouldn't assume someone is cheating from their online activity.