What Is A Fuck Buddy To You?

[bbzh]

Interesting discussion here. We are seeing that there are many levels to it.

 

I do have fuck buddies, including some that I would like to see more often than I do. What makes it work is that we're both free to choose if we hook up or not. There are no hard feelings if either can't or doesn't want to fuck. Just try later. I even tell them when I'm dating someone so they know I may not be as available.

 

The act itself is simple. He asks can I fuck you? I say yes. He comes over. He fucks, cums in me, and makes a little small talk while he dresses. And then he leaves. No follow up texts. No catching feelings. 

 

I'm fiercely loyal to my longstanding fuck buddies (there are some I've been doing this with for over a decade). I don't talk about them or reveal their identities to others. They get priority over new sex partners. 

 

The only thing that's a challenge is I've got a couple of fuckbuds who are hung and I am not a size queen. I try to be diplomatic about it but sometimes all I really need is a nice 6-7 incher. I'm not always in the mood to have a telephone pole in my ass. LOL.

 

Seriously though, there's societal pressure to not have these types of fuck buddy/booty call arrangements, but I actually think they are very important. Not only are they efficient when you are both horny, but fulfilling in other ways. Admit it - we all get a bit tingly inside knowing that there are these guys out there that find us sexually attractive, that we're sexually compatible with and who think of our asses or dicks when they want to get off.  

[snaketat]

Seriously though, there's societal pressure to not have these types of fuck buddy/booty call arrangements, but I actually think they are very important. Not only are they efficient when you are both horny, but fulfilling in other ways.

 

fuck the pressure......hell we are barebacking and like sex.  it is our lives and our bodies.  i don't give a shit about what others think.  i do care about knowing that my partners (regardless of source...date, hook up, booty call, fuck buddy, fwb, glory hole, are able to express their sexuality and enjoy live.   i don't believe we are hurting anyone (if we only fuck with like minded guys) 

[PhoenixGeoff]

I had one recently who I really miss because I moved, but he was an awesome fuck to the point where I'd have to bite my toungue to keep from saying "I love you" lol.

 

This really struck me.  Obviously the two of you had some kind of chemistry going on both sides.  But you really felt that you couldn't acknowledge that.

 

The word "love" has many different meanings.  We love our parents and (if we have them) our children.  We love our friends, though typically we don't use that word.  But real friendship is another kind of love; Cicero thought it was the best kind.

 

We're drawn to people we're attracted to sexually, something we might call lust or desire (that's what that guy Cupid is all about...desire, hence cupidity, meaning greed).  One step up from that is the hormonal experience that we often call romantic love but that is still, I think, kinda rooted in desire, just desire for the whole person, not just the appearance.  Or perhaps desire for children and family.

 

And then Christians talk about agape love, unconditional, God-like love (C.S. Lewis is the man to read about that).

 

But all of these kinds of love are really about different ways that people form bonds between themselves.  I find it really curious that you resisted expressing the reality of that bond (regardless of how one-dimensional the relationship may have been). 

 

The whole anonymous sex thing is curious too:  it strikes me as a total rejection of any kind of bonding between people, in the extreme form (darkrooms, blindfolds, gloryholes) even of the kind of lust that's entirely based on appearance.  Sex completely and totally divorced from love of any kind whatsoever. 

 

I wonder what it is about those bonds that we fear so much.

[gayav8or]

I've always found that keeping a fuck buddy at that level is always the hard part. I never get into a proper relationship very easily as I like to be really sure it will have some staying power. But, a lot of guys fall into having a relationship at the drop of a hat and sometimes I can tell they are angling towards having the 'I'd like us to be something more' moment, even when I always say right at the start that it's going to be friends with benefits and nothing else. A fuck buddy to me is just that. Someone I get along with for great sex and no drama or expectations.

The last sentence sums up perfectly how I feel about a fuck buddy. I have a great relationship (open) but over the years (25) of growing together through many amazing adventures on land, sea and air....But our sexual appetites have changed. Besides he is neg and I am not and I hate condoms! In my case, my current sexual interests tend towards the extreme...but this too is an interesting but passing phase. I love my guy and he loves me and I'll spend the rest of my life with him and maybe the next couple of lives too.

A fuck buddy is that guy/s (I have a couple of great FBs) that you are comfortable with to deal with the natural pressures that develop within all of us and To explore the undiscovered parts of our sexuality. Most hook ups tend to be disappointing or someone who wants more than sport fucking. A good fuck buddy is a very valuable thing to have in ones life.

Thank You Tiger for posing this great question.. As always I am still a huge fan!!! M

[TigerMilner]

Interesting discussion here. We are seeing that there are many levels to it.

 

I do have fuck buddies, including some that I would like to see more often than I do. What makes it work is that we're both free to choose if we hook up or not. There are no hard feelings if either can't or doesn't want to fuck. Just try later. I even tell them when I'm dating someone so they know I may not be as available.

 

The act itself is simple. He asks can I fuck you? I say yes. He comes over. He fucks, cums in me, and makes a little small talk while he dresses. And then he leaves. No follow up texts. No catching feelings. 

 

I'm fiercely loyal to my longstanding fuck buddies (there are some I've been doing this with for over a decade). I don't talk about them or reveal their identities to others. They get priority over new sex partners. 

 

The only thing that's a challenge is I've got a couple of fuckbuds who are hung and I am not a size queen. I try to be diplomatic about it but sometimes all I really need is a nice 6-7 incher. I'm not always in the mood to have a telephone pole in my ass. LOL.

 

Seriously though, there's societal pressure to not have these types of fuck buddy/booty call arrangements, but I actually think they are very important. Not only are they efficient when you are both horny, but fulfilling in other ways. Admit it - we all get a bit tingly inside knowing that there are these guys out there that find us sexually attractive, that we're sexually compatible with and who think of our asses or dicks when they want to get off.  

You get where I am coming from in asking this. I know what a fuck buddy is. That was never what I wanted out of this post. But you got it. That these "Semi-relationships" are important to us. How important? You said "no catching feelings". Most of mine are that way. A few I actually like. Only really one I do things with and think about all the time. How do you keep from "Catching Feelings". I'm afraid I've already caught some. And I really do not want to have a significant relationship with this man. Yet I think about him all the time. And I have to admit, I love him. I'm not "in love" with him, but I do value him enough to call it love that I feel for him. How did I catch that. Fuck.

[TigerMilner]

This really struck me.  Obviously the two of you had some kind of chemistry going on both sides.  But you really felt that you couldn't acknowledge that.

 

The word "love" has many different meanings.  We love our parents and (if we have them) our children.  We love our friends, though typically we don't use that word.  But real friendship is another kind of love; Cicero thought it was the best kind.

 

We're drawn to people we're attracted to sexually, something we might call lust or desire (that's what that guy Cupid is all about...desire, hence cupidity, meaning greed).  One step up from that is the hormonal experience that we often call romantic love but that is still, I think, kinda rooted in desire, just desire for the whole person, not just the appearance.  Or perhaps desire for children and family.

 

And then Christians talk about agape love, unconditional, God-like love (C.S. Lewis is the man to read about that).

 

But all of these kinds of love are really about different ways that people form bonds between themselves.  I find it really curious that you resisted expressing the reality of that bond (regardless of how one-dimensional the relationship may have been). 

 

The whole anonymous sex thing is curious too:  it strikes me as a total rejection of any kind of bonding between people, in the extreme form (darkrooms, blindfolds, gloryholes) even of the kind of lust that's entirely based on appearance.  Sex completely and totally divorced from love of any kind whatsoever. 

 

I wonder what it is about those bonds that we fear so much.

You really nailed this. Why do we fear those bonds so much. I know I often wonder if my fascination with anonymous sex with multiple partners is based a my real fear of falling in love again? My best friend pointed out to me once when I had an issue with my most regular fuck buddy who inspired this post, "It may not be a good relationship, but its still a relationship" after I pointed out the NSA part of situation. My no strings attached fuck buddy actually did have strings after about 3 years. My love for him terrifies me.

[PhoenixGeoff]

You really nailed this. Why do we fear those bonds so much. I know I often wonder if my fascination with anonymous sex with multiple partners is based a my real fear of falling in love again? My best friend pointed out to me once when I had an issue with my most regular fuck buddy who inspired this post, "It may not be a good relationship, but its still a relationship" after I pointed out the NSA part of situation. My no strings attached fuck buddy actually did have strings after about 3 years. My love for him terrifies me.

 

Yeah, I see a lot of this in myself.  I've had, maybe, 3 serious long-term relationships in my life.  And I always found it really hard to give myself over to those men completely...to open up and have any kind of true emotional intimacy, to feel comfortable with having them know me.  Hell, it can be hard for me to open up about minor surface things like the kind of music I like or the kind of restaurant I want to go to, let alone anything truly significant.  I tend to take "still waters run deep" to a ridiculous extreme.

 

The other interesting, somewhat distressing observation I have about all of those relationships is that they all evolved towards not being sexual. I'm not sure why that is.  Part of that has to do with simply being used to moving from partner to partner more or less at will.  If I didn't have to pay a price for sex in the form for intimacy, well then, why should I?  So I'm just used to approaching sex from the position of one-time hook-ups, not to be repeated.

 

Part of that stems from my time in the Army, when I kept my "gay life" and my "army life" rigorously separated, for obvious reasons.  Among other things, that reinforced the danger of carrying on relationships, encouraged me to develop sneaky habits, and discouraged fully sharing my entire life with anyone.

 

And, no doubt, there are other things going on there as well.

 

So I find myself most comfortable dealing with those anonymous, "no strings" hook ups, where no-one has to get too close for comfort.  And that's not healthy.

 

I'm not sure how to fix that, though I think part of the solution may be to develop bonds with a potential guy before I jump into bed with him.  You, know, the old fashioned dating/no sex before marriage thing.  Hold out from having sex until I've gotten to the point where we have been able to air our deep dark secrets.  Trouble is, no-one else really does that, although I do have one potential candidate right now that might eventually lead in that direction.

 

Then there is the cultivation of the FWBs.  I'm working on that with another specific guy, who's in an open relationship.  We have excellent sexual chemistry, and he's a really great guy to hang out with too.  We'll see how things proceed as that relationship moves along.

 

Then third, there's the cultivation of non-sexual friendships, going for intimacy with other men (straight or gay) in non-sexual ways.  I've got a couple good candidates for that too (all straight, which really helps, as it takes the sexual dimension right off the table).

 

Plus, the internet helps with this too...somehow it's easier to type all of this stuff into a computer than it is to sit down and discuss face-to-face, even if I am spreading my own neuroses across the world-wide web LOL.

 

I dunno...I'd say at least being aware of the problem as a problem is a kind of step towards a solution in itself.  Because I would really like to move past the point where my next casual hookup with the next random guy is all there is to my sex life.  Not that casual sex ain't great, but it's probably not enough.

[cam1972]

I don't know that we fear falling in love (or loving someone) so much as we fear what most feel is the inevitable heartbreak when it ends. It's easier to keep the wall up than to take the risk of getting hurt. Not letting feelings in removes the getting hurt equation. But what we end up doing is sabotaging ourselves and any potential for a relationship from the get go. If we go into it believing it will end, it will end. And that heartbreak WILL happen. I read where they did a study in regards to relationships and sex. They found that if you have sex on the first date, your chances of that relationship lasting drops to 10%. So PhoenixGeoff hit on something when he talked about trying the old fashioned dating scenario. I know that's what I've wanted to do for quite some time now. But as he stated, try finding someone else who wants that. I've had no luck. But back to the fear issue... I may be wrong, but I think getting hurt is the real fear. Yeah. We get in our comfort zones too. Don't want to change for anyone. But fear is the bitch. I think it helps keep us in those comfort zones. I'm not fully awake, so I hope this makes sense.

[NLbear]

@Cam1972. You are making sense. That's it exactly, at least for me. After the one LTR I had (which I got into for the wrong reasons) I pulled up a wall, just trying not to get hurt again. That means you never really let anyone get close enough to develop a relationship. Even when I met a nice guy I never let him get closer. Fear of getting into something that's going to hurt you again.

 

Being forced back to my hometown due to circumstances last year, instead of living in the bigger city I was used to, meant I am now living in small town with no gay bar, ABS, bathhouse or anything. So I need to rely on internet hookups, or my horny neighbor, who will move soon I think. He's really the only FB I have. When he moves away, it will be internet hookups only.

 

On the other hand, living on my own for so long suits me, even though it means not having a relationship. I am used to it now and value it. Can't really imagine sharing my living space anymore with someone else, let alone moving in with someone else. When my one LTR ended I was left with nothing and out searching for a place to live and start all over. I swore never to let that happen to me again.

Maybe that is why am so bad as going into a new relationship.

[TigerMilner]

I don't know that we fear falling in love (or loving someone) so much as we fear what most feel is the inevitable heartbreak when it ends. It's easier to keep the wall up than to take the risk of getting hurt. Not letting feelings in removes the getting hurt equation. But what we end up doing is sabotaging ourselves and any potential for a relationship from the get go. If we go into it believing it will end, it will end. And that heartbreak WILL happen. I read where they did a study in regards to relationships and sex. They found that if you have sex on the first date, your chances of that relationship lasting drops to 10%. So PhoenixGeoff hit on something when he talked about trying the old fashioned dating scenario. I know that's what I've wanted to do for quite some time now. But as he stated, try finding someone else who wants that. I've had no luck. But back to the fear issue... I may be wrong, but I think getting hurt is the real fear. Yeah. We get in our comfort zones too. Don't want to change for anyone. But fear is the bitch. I think it helps keep us in those comfort zones. I'm not fully awake, so I hope this makes sense.

Don't the falling in love and the heartbreak of it ending go hand in hand? They do in my experience. And you definitely are on to something about the fear. I fear a relationship. But I also fear growing old alone. Which do I fear more is the issue.

[cam1972]

Don't the falling in love and the heartbreak of it ending go hand in hand? They do in my experience. And you definitely are on to something about the fear. I fear a relationship. But I also fear growing old alone. Which do I fear more is the issue.

Maybe I should clarify. What you said about growing old alone is part of what I'm talking about. We that don't want that want the relationship that is THE relationship. The one that lasts. That doesn't end til death. It's the fear of yet another relationship ending that we didn't want to end that is the issue. That's where the heartbreak comes in. My parents just celebrated their 50th. And they love each other more and more each day. That's what I want. But the fear of thinking I may have found that only to have it shattered keeps me from really truly letting my walls down and letting someone in. Emotionally. But I don't want to die alone. And I don't want to be that 80 something guy on hook up sites either. It's a conundrum. One I hate.

[bbzh]

I did manage to turn a fuckbud into my last relationship, which lasted 3 years. I don't regret it at all but I'm pretty sure I won't try that again. LOL. For one, once I got to know him - really know him - I was less attracted to him. But I began to love him. I do miss him sometimes, but deep down, we just weren't right for each other. And I do believe it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Gay men for whatever reason just don't want to invest enough in relationships it seems.

 

But don't get wrong: I know how to compartmentalize. When I need some dick, that's all I want. I don't even have to like you. But if you've got the right size dick I like - and you fuck me long enough to get me hot - and you dump a load - and you show no interest in my dick - you go to the top of my fuckbud pile. I don't think fuckbuds should sleep over, kiss or form emotional connections. I like to meet them at the door naked or in underwear. His dick must be out within seconds of arriving. 

 

Years ago, I used to get emotionally caught up if the dick was good and I started fucking the guy too often. But now I've got shit to do. I'm all about the dick. In fact tomorrow I'm meeting a guy who really wants more from me. He is big and tall and handsome and shoots massive loads. But that's all I want from him right now.

[rtpbbcub]

I've always found fuck buddy to be a misnomer, fuck acquaintance is more like it for me. Kind of like the guy or girl or whatever that works at the corner store that you one day realize you know far too intimately based solely on the safety of anonymity. You don't know them, maybe not even a real name, and may only be able to pick parts of them out of a lineup, yet, there's still something there that is more than two strangers passing on the street, without all the demands of having to deal with a whole person. And without having to be particularly anyone to each other, or fail at being that person and see that look that screams "Oh my God, who the hell are you?" All the fun and hazards of a drunken travel fuck, minus the expense and time off work. You get to be who you are, or who you aren't, or a mix of both, with someone who doesn't really care either way, and may be doing much the same. And it's not like the storyline even has to be believable. Porn sex, camera optional.

[nelliess]

I always sort of think that a fuck buddy is someone I'm attracted to enough to have sex with, but don't really see them as a potential partner. But that could be me doing what cam1972 was talking about and closing down my feelings for fear of rejection. I know that in the past I've resisted being fuck buddies with someone because I do want to be in a relationship with them and don't want them on any other basis. But that again closes off the possibility of it becoming more.

 

Of course being gay has the one major problem, namely being attracted to men. We're awful at showing our true feelings or committing for fear that someone better will be along soon.

[TigerMilner]

Ok, so who besides me bought a gift for a fuck buddy?