Depression & Barebacking/bug Chasing

[Guest]

On 6/28/2024 at 9:26 PM, ffWhole said:

Exactly this... the thrill is the high that I needed at that time...

Another way to get my depression under control was to have a high stress level in my job during an important project. After the project would finish I would fall so deep, you have no idea.

After I lost yet another job, and finaly after my divorce, I would go back to my old life; travelling as a nomad with my back-pack. At that period it was South America... and I would be so anxious in big cities, sometimes, not so safe cities and the anxiety would keep the depression away.

Of course I would also visit gay bath houses and other venues to get my high from unprotected sex.
That would definitely get me in a very high state of anxiousness and keep my depressions at bay.

With the Cannabis Oil I conquered my depressions once and for all.

I still crave the freedom of travelling and I definitely crave the unprotected sex. Not really bug chasing. But the high is still there. Earlier, the high from unprotected sex would be a great amount of fear and anxiety... the fear went away as I moved older and now without the depressions I just get the high but no more fear.

I just feel extremely kinky and love to be used as a cum slut or dump.

I haven't been depressed for over 8 years and this after over 50 years of living hell, I can tell you: it feels damn good.

@ffWhole Have you been to Gran Canaria? You may want to give it a try. Seeing how you are in Madeira, you can hop on a plane and check it out over the weekend. May help you get a new perspective in life... 

[ffWhole]

2 hours ago, EuRawBull said:

@ffWhole Have you been to Gran Canaria? You may want to give it a try. Seeing how you are in Madeira, you can hop on a plane and check it out over the weekend. May help you get a new perspective in life... 

I have been in GC a long time ago but not at LP...
Would love to go, but right now I am in the proces of buying a property and building my house afterwards... a lot of work... but I sure keep it in mind and will let you know. 

[Guest]

Just now, ffWhole said:

I have been in GC a long time ago but not at LP...
Would love to go, but right now I am in the proces of buying a property and building my house afterwards... a lot of work... but I sure keep it in mind and will let you know. 

Good luck with the buying process. And patience with building the house! 

Las Palmas hasn't changed much... crowded and same old ugly 70's buildings, so not much to be impressed about. I go to LP once a month to Corte Ingles for my Nespresso fill (deliveries are still a novelty on the island LOL).  But in the south of the island, the sun reigns supreme and with other gay brothers we have build up a nice little corner of paradise. Now, that's worth visiting. Even for the weekend... 🍹

[ryanroman]

On 6/27/2024 at 6:35 AM, SugarCaneDaddy said:

I do. Lets not pretend we don't fill the void with reckless sex sometimes.

Or all of the time for me... I'd blow off work or family events or holidays and spend that time in bathhouses breeding as many bttms as I could.

[SugarCaneDaddy]

On 6/26/2024 at 1:29 PM, FatPig96 said:

I'm probably quite high in depression state RN. I hate my body because I just can't find a partner because of it. Even thru I'm working out and loosing weight it goes so slow that it probably just helps feeding it. And now that I'm in talk with some gift givers and how they want me, it makes me feel welcomed, even more that they want to make my fantasies into a reality and it's just keeps me going in. 

 

Some people are really into chubby guys (like me) so try not to be so hard on yourself 

[polyglutton]

For me it's a combination of traumatophilia and perhaps in addition something ineffable in the realm of primal/mpreg/submission/domination. I read from someone here that sexualising the trauma or risk is an involuntary thing our brains do in an attempt to assert control over something we have no control over (in my case I experienced non-consensual bareback sex first time bare at the hands of therapist I went to for my PTSD, which only added to it). This was in 2002 in the pre-PrEP, pre-U=U years. Luckily I didn't begin to experience depression until 2020, before that it was limited to anxiety, panic attacks, and insomnia. 

After the assault every sexual encounter felt very risky because I lost a lot of will power to be consistent with condoms, and I was sort of horrified and super turned on when men coerced or convinced me to go bare. I think in that context, anal sex in general became a brush with oblivion every time, so this must have contributed as well to hybridising risk with heightened sexual excitement.

I learnt more about this from Avgi Saketopoulou's book: Sexuality Beyond Consent: Risk, Race, Traumatophilia. I hope this helps someone. 

Once PrEP entered my life, I could finally live as a cumdump and still secretly have  bug-chasing narratives whilst taking loads. 

I learnt more about this from Avgi Saketopoulou's book: Sexuality Beyond Consent: Risk, Race, Traumatophilia. I hope this helps someone. 

Edited August 2 by polyglutton

[explorerNinety]

For me it also has to do with trauma/pain.

This is my story:
My phantasy for going off prep and still fucking bare has increased over the last years. And I am now reading on breeding.zone for about a year.

This is why: Since 2017 I have suffered from severe chronic pelvic pain. Unfortunately, the doctors/research could not help me. Over the years I have subconsciously developed mechanisms for coping with the pain:

• I somehow conditioned myself to not escalate if my body feels problematic physical conditions like pain. Because if I let that happen, I would be overwhelmed. And that somehow reduced my fear of other physical consequences (e.g. because of HIV/STI infection).
• Pain reduction through orgasm. Having sex is really ten times better than pain relievers like ibuprofen, etc. This increased my interest in having sex even more.

Despite all the pain, there is still something that prevents me from letting the phantasy become real: My love for my husband and the life we have built up together in the last ten years.

[Murmillo]

I suffer from severe loneliness and the reasons, to my knowledge, are a portfolio of factors. Namely my strong ADHD which hugely hinders my ability to connect at all, depressions that derive from it, a screwed up career with sheer countless job changes, an extremely toxic father who bereft me of everything humanly positive, the feeling of being at the ass-end of the world (Switzerland, where connecting is a near- impossibility), and lastly the troubles all of us encounter when dating or trying to. And I don't want to drink dirty water only because I'm thirsty, therefore no more reconnecting with latently toxic men. I could go on whining.... --- when I happen to chat with a gift giver, my heart pounds like when I was young(er) and still believed and felt something.

[akula]

I've been dealing with depression for years. A friend recommended I check out Ketomine Therapy and fuck me it helped big time. I'd recommend it in a heart beat, just my 2 cents.

[Pozguyinchi]

I have never thought of myself as a depressed person. Now that I am older I see that it can take on many forms. I have told my story on here many times so I am not going to go into details. I was in a relationship with my step father from the age of 9 to 19. I truly fell in love and he was my everything. When I went to college far away it was hard for me. I met a man much older that was hiv positive. He was clear that he would not have sex with me because of my status. I worked on him for about a year trying to get him to breed me. Finally he gave in and bred me. I did become poz a few months later. I know now that there was a direct relationship between my longing for the fatherly love and my desire to have a meaning relationship with this new partner. Long story short… I was trading one dysfunctional relationship with another. I look back now and see depression played a big part in my poor decisions.