Making the decision to bb - Facing the truth

[Guest Javelin]

Finally getting around to writing a longer post on this thread, based on my personal experience and what I’ve observed and discussed with countless other guys I’ve met either in saunas, parties, or online. So let’s be honest about the decision to bareback (and the decision to chase).

First a few acknowledgments: yes, it feels incredibly better than with a rubber, it is more natural, and brings a deeper sexual connection when you get filled with someone else’s cum.

A lot of people here (including myself) have written that this was the basics for the decision to bareback. But the hard truth is that for me barebacking is self-harm, and being a cum dump is a way of getting instant validation from strangers without the risk of getting emotionally attached: how many of us know the name of the guy inside us?

For me, barebacking is a form of self-harm because I’m neg and for a long long time I refused to go on Prep. I was chasing, and am still doing it when I’m low. In my mind, being poz would give me a sense of belonging, being part of a community, and I would finally have made a decision about myself that was truly mine,  giving me a true sense of independence. But the truth is that this longing for independence and for belonging come from having been emotionally abused by a narcissistic mother and from an upbringing in the traditional countryside: I was different and never belonged, always trying to please everyone to seek validation, betraying my own self. Reading the fantasy story about the tattoo artist (gifting/chasing stories), I was barely surprised to see that Isaac/Zeek’s mother behaves exactly like mine; coincidence?

On top of not belonging, such a parent also gives you the gift of severe low self-esteem, as I was never good enough and only existed for what I could do and not for who I am; but what I did was never enough to get her attention and inexistent love, and so deep down I feel that I am inadequate and good at nothing, only good to disappear from the surface of this planet; and chasing with subsequent full blown AIDS seems like a good way of achieving that.

Thus, making the decision to bareback and chase (for they come hand in hand unless you’re on Prep) is in truth perpetuating the legacy of my abusive mother, perpetuating her abuse even when she is now hundreds of miles away (I’ve put a Channel between us). As a result, the decision to bareback was not really mine, it was that of my distorted mind, that of me as a kid 10 years ago. I do not believe in good or bad, but in true or false. This decision was simply not true to myself, to the person I am deep down; it was a decision to give voice to my self-destructive side, it was my mum’s and a straight-jacketed society’s decision.

So there may be a few other questions to add to the path that leads to the decision to bareback: is it respectful of myself and others, is it kind to myself and others, does it make me grow as a person, am I seeking something from outside, a temporary fix, or am I enhancing my life? I find that barebacking without Prep answers negatively to all these questions, as does, for me at least, being a cum dump and also gifting. Being vers, I have found a direct link between my mood and which side I choose; I top when I am frustrated or angry and bottom when sad, tired, or despaired. And I want to gift when I am frustrated at the world and project my self-hatred onto others; gifters and alpha dominant males, ask yourself whether you are avoiding looking at your inner emptiness and scares and projecting your self-loathing onto others. Fighting, gifting or chasing do not require real courage; real courage is facing up to our fears (of being alone, of being abandoned, of not belonging) and emotions and learning to process them without using our fellow gay men; we get enough abuse from the straight world, no need to abuse each other on top of that.

 

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[Guest GoodExercise]

Self-destruction is self-love.  

[Guest Javelin]

Can you expand?

[Guest curiousnegsub]

I totally relate to the question of 'belonging', and not feeling I belong is one of my main drives to bring me to have joined here. I don't have a self-loathing at all, nor was I abused as a child. 

The need to belong, for whatever reason it is strong, is a powerful drive in itself.

I am sure that different guys come to barebacking for many different reasons. Becoming one of a 'brotherhood' is a very powerful reason, with all that this particular brotherhood represents and entails.

I'm right on the edge of it, feeling I'm being drawn in, after many years of having strong opinions about protection from infections. I came out as gay in the early 80s, so I saw the whole progress of AIDS and HIV as it expanded and developed. To me, it is very 'Dark', which is part of it's appeal for me. I was very careful for many years, avoiding barebacking. I was never sexually promiscuous. It's only in recent years (oddly, since I began smoking) that I'm seeing the 'Cult' of the virus, and the power and following that it has. The fact that I'm stroking my solid cock while typing this says a lot about how the many chats with breeders online have effected my mindset and feelings towards it. In a way, I feel I'm mentally and spiritually infected by it, and the 'call' for my physical conversion becomes stronger and more engrained over time. It is why I felt the need to return to BreedingZone after initially joining over a year ago when I only only hung around here for no more than a couple of days.

Edited May 2, 2017 by curiousnegsub

[evilqueerpig]

21 hours ago, curiousnegsub said:

I totally relate to the question of 'belonging', and not feeling I belong is one of my main drives to bring me to have joined here. I don't have a self-loathing at all, nor was I abused as a child. 

The need to belong, for whatever reason it is strong, is a powerful drive in itself.

I am sure that different guys come to barebacking for many different reasons. Becoming one of a 'brotherhood' is a very powerful reason, with all that this particular brotherhood represents and entails.

I'm right on the edge of it, feeling I'm being drawn in, after many years of having strong opinions about protection from infections. I came out as gay in the early 80s, so I saw the whole progress of AIDS and HIV as it expanded and developed. To me, it is very 'Dark', which is part of it's appeal for me. I was very careful for many years, avoiding barebacking. I was never sexually promiscuous. It's only in recent years (oddly, since I began smoking) that I'm seeing the 'Cult' of the virus, and the power and following that it has. The fact that I'm stroking my solid cock while typing this says a lot about how the many chats with breeders online have effected my mindset and feelings towards it. In a way, I feel I'm mentally and spiritually infected by it, and the 'call' for my physical conversion becomes stronger and more engrained over time. It is why I felt the need to return to BreedingZone after initially joining over a year ago when I only only hung around here for no more than a couple of days.

I, for one, think of you as belonging since at least mentally, you're prepared to embrace barebacking.  Once you act on your desires and achieve your goal, you can be sure the 'brotherhood' will welcome you.  Humans are the only creatures with free will and it's obvious that this decision was reached with your full consideration.  Enjoy the pure pleasure of bareback fucking and think of each load as just 1 more until you get the virus.

[tallslenderguy]

I love conversations like this, when people open up and explore the "why's" behind their behavior, thank you all for your participation.

I have a few thoughts about this topic, with the caveat that non of this is studied or evidenced info, just speculation. Non of my notions are absolute or even conclusions, just thoughts and feelings.

I don't think any guy makes a decision to bareback. I think it's the opposite, we make the decision not to bareback, usually because of fear I believe.

I've thought a lot about "chasing."  When I read the comments and reasons a lot of chasers have, one that stands out to me is "getting knocked up."  I think for a lot of chasers and gifters, there's an emotional connect, i.e, that getting/giving HIV is a sort of gay version of pregnancy and, by extension, perpetuation.  What is being perpetuated is different, but if that difference is part of our identity, then it is still an emotional drive to perpetuate self.  That may not make sense on a cognitive level, but emotions are deeper seated in our amygdala, at the core of our brain. We feel before we think, and our feelings often rule our decisions, whether they are 'reasonable' or not. 

Personally, I believe that the need/desire for love is the greatest drive in humankind. It is a thread that runs through all of us and binds us all together. I look at "Love" as seeing, hearing another and then acknowledging, affirming, validating them (all at varying levels). I think we're all the same and we're all different simultaneously, i.e., we all have the need/desire for love, but it takes on myriad expressions in our individuality (for instance, to my way of thinking, "top" or "bottom" is two sides of the same coin).  In that context, the "stealther" is driven to perpetuate himself and the chaser is driven to be valued and given a part of the stealther. The fact that the exchange is done by 'stealth' adds another level to that drive on both sides (i.e., "gifter/chaser").

 

 

[Guest BBBoyfromTN]

Honestly I don't put much thought into whether I top or bottom...for me it's the other guy that makes me want to bottom for him or to fuck him. Something about guys my age or younger just makes me wanna fuck them but not always, a big cock always makes me wanna bottom. I tend to go with the flow mostly. I was at Club Dallas last night and this hot beefy Latino guy came onto me. I really wanted him in me, but he wanted me to fuck him. No problem! We went into the blackout area, I slid in him raw, pounded him hard until I came inside him as a few guys watched. I just want to get off. I don't put a lot of thought into the act. I suppose part of me wants to punish guys like I've been punished. I didn't want this but here I am. I don't know who gave it to me and they probably won't either. I guess we get what we deserve.

[garsento]

As I've begun to have bareback sex, I've been thinking seriously about why I've been doing it. The unprotected sex I've been having has been, without exception, with a limited number of undetectable guys who I know and trust. I made the choice not to wear condoms with these guys because they're undetectable, and I believe them because they behave in ways consistent with their claims (most particularly, there are things they do not feel comfortable doing with me, particularly cumming inside of me).

I am as sure as I can be that I'm doing this for the positive reasons of enjoying enhanced intimacy and better sex, not for more negative reasons of fetishizing the virus. That I have been having unprotected sex with undetectable guys is not a matter of chasing but a matter of these guys being safe. I feel much more comfortable having bareback sex with these particular guys than I would with other undetectable guys, infinitely more than with guys selected at random.

[garsento]

Now, there is something to be said about the idea of there being a thrill when I fuck or am fucked bare by someone undetectable. It isn't a matter of chasing, I think, certainly not in the sense of wanting to be made HIV-positive, and not in finding HIV in other people a turn-on. I think it's a feeling rooted much more in a sense of being victorious over the virus, in knowing that something I've been afraid of for all of my sexual life (still am, to an extent) has been so thoroughly mastered that I can do with others whatever I want.

[hungry_hole]

On 2017-05-03 at 0:57 PM, tallslenderguy said:

...for instance, to my way of thinking, "top" or "bottom" is two sides of the same coin...

I agree with this, especially in anon scenes where there is more room for free imagination. Some bottom may enjoy fucking and breeding some anon sloppy hole imagining the bottom is him.

6 hours ago, torcub said:

As I've begun to have bareback sex, I've been thinking seriously about why I've been doing it.

As a top or as a bottom? I ask because I think most guys who like topping bareback do it because it feels much better. Some bottoms report not to mind being fucked with a condom. But although bottoming bareback feels better there is also a psychological component of having someone else inside and then being left with the cum inside.

[garsento]

Just now, hungry_hole said:

As a top or as a bottom? I ask because I think most guys who like topping bareback do it because it feels much better. Some bottoms report not to mind being fucked with a condom. But although bottoming bareback feels better there is also a psychological component of having someone else inside and then being left with the cum inside.

I have topped and bottom bareback, starting off topping and then progressing to being more versatile.

I am not doing this because I had problems with the sex I've been having, or because of problems with condom usage. Even now, I have no problems with using condoms in other situations, even as a top, even in a group session. For me, barebacking is more a case of my expanding my sexual repertoire to do new things that I feel comfortable with risk-wise, developing a new kink. Like fisting, I suppose.

(And yes, probably my hottest bareback session did involve me getting plowed by a handsome gentleman with a large cock in a sling as part of a session that ended up him shooting his load inside of me.)

[Guest indynudeguy]

I'm older than most of the the guys.  For me the decision was reversed , "should I use condoms"?  I decided no.  Bareback is the natural way.

[chargedodger]

haven't ever considered what dark forces in my boyhood may have directed my path as an adult sexually.Maybe a bit of self examination is good for any of us.Was seduced as a boy bareback of course,and have simply continued being that carefree pig type into adulthood.66 now still neg and only bareback as top or btm.

[Guest]

On 9/5/2021 at 12:57 PM, chargedodger said:

haven't ever considered what dark forces in my boyhood may have directed my path as an adult sexually.Maybe a bit of self examination is good for any of us.Was seduced as a boy bareback of course,and have simply continued being that carefree pig type into adulthood.66 now still neg and only bareback as top or btm.

Dark forces in my childhood definitely made me who I am sexually today. It took me a while to understand the connection, but that very early BB was very impactful.

[plisken]

Bareback are for the few i choose. In my opinion it's the most intimate sex between men - when you have a naked cock moving deep inside and ultimately leaving a hot load of dna while it marks its territory