Relationship vs just sex

[twoguyssssss4fun]

i have had  2 long term relationships (7+ years each)  Sex was great,but usually fizzles. Was never  faithful.  in one relationship, was open and honest but in the end he grew jealous. So i became  less honest. Other one was very  open at first, had 3somes together  but he seemed to lose interest in that. he prefered to play without me but pretend he was being faithful.  i have no problem being in open relationship as long as you can be open and honest about it. i do love having someone to live with, cuddle with,  and  be happy with..  Right now , i have a roommate, no sex but a great companion.. i look for hookups mostly at spa.  seems to  work for now.  Just wish i could get  more cuddling from him!

[drscorpio]

16 hours ago, twoguyssssss4fun said:

i have had  2 long term relationships (7+ years each)  Sex was great,but usually fizzles. Was never  faithful.  in one relationship, was open and honest but in the end he grew jealous. So i became  less honest. Other one was very  open at first, had 3somes together  but he seemed to lose interest in that. he prefered to play without me but pretend he was being faithful.  i have no problem being in open relationship as long as you can be open and honest about it. i do love having someone to live with, cuddle with,  and  be happy with..  Right now , i have a roommate, no sex but a great companion.. i look for hookups mostly at spa.  seems to  work for now.  Just wish i could get  more cuddling from him!

I think what most people get wrong is that the eventual fizzling of sex is normal. It's not a sign something is wrong with the foundation of your relationship. It just means you are a human, and you eventually want "some strange." 

My husband and I were monogamous for the first few years of our relationship because we wanted to build intimacy between us. For a long time, that was cool and no stress. Then I think we kept it up a while just because it felt like an accomplishment. At more or less the same time, we broached the idea of opening things up. First we did threesomes, and he discovered how much it turned him on to watch me take another man's load. He had to travel a lot, so we began playing separately. We both enjoyed hearing about the other's exploits. Often I would wake up on Saturday morning to learn, he had lined up 4-5 tops from apps and hook up sites to come breed me while he watched. 

We had several good years like this. Then he lost all interest in sex, and then he began to resent me for still going out and having it. This spring he passed away after a massive stroke. I was told he had probably had several small strokes over the last couple of years which probably explains his major change in personality/sex drive. 

All in all, the good part of being in an open relationship was worth it. It was good to be able to be a slut and still come home to a man who loved me. I am open to having it again if it happens. Right now, I am just out having fun. But my husband was a trick who turned into 14 years together, so I know it could happen again. 

[Pozguyinchi]

I have been in two ltr. The first was with my step dad and was actually the most loving and meaningful I have ever had. I went into the second relationship basing everything on the first. The sex was good and I was bred daily. After about a year he started to share me with friends and used me less often. By our third year he rarely used me and shared me almost always. I started to realize that my illusion of a relationship was not my actuality. Being a poz bottom I didn’t put much worth on myself and thought I needed a man to complete me. I have not changed that way of thinking to not wanting a man to limit me. I feel more empowered now than ever. I guess I am still open to a ltr but I don’t think about it much anymore.

[tallslenderguy]

On 12/25/2019 at 1:18 AM, twstdpigboy said:

I am not a believer in the social construct of monogamy so I chose other. Monogamy does not work and most of the science stands behind that assertion. I think having one person to create a life with is a great ideal to work toward but I certainly don't think that imposing restrictions on a relationship that are impossible to meet is fair to either partner and dooms the relationship to failure.

Having a frank one open discussion around the issue of sex outside of the relationship is not only wise but required. I don't expect the person I want to create a life with to be the one and only solution to every aspect in my life - best friend, confident, emotional rock and throw in perfect in everyway sexually?! No one can be that and it's unfair to ask for it and to expect it. We're all grown-ups and we expect to to be treated as one as well. Do I want to build a life with someone who life goals and values are a fit for mine? Yes, of course and to determine if that is even possible to achieve we need to have open and honest dialogues about everything; free of judgement and shame and ridicule.  Why shouldn't we approach sex differently. Spellk it all out, diagram it out, make lists of everything then establish the rules and expectations around what is and is not permissibly and the consequences of violation of the rules - EVERYTHING. it's dry and boring and frustrating and can be shocking but it's also a great way to find out what truly turns your partner on and what doesn't turn you on as well. it's hard and potentially embarrassing and it relies on placing trust in the other person so there's incentive to hold back but it makes the issue of having to hide infidelity go away and makes for great conversations at coffee the morning after. When relationships end as a result of sex issues it's almost never about the sex but the lies and violation of trust. 

So yes I want a relationship and I want the sex I like sex too I just don't think that it necessarily needs to be the same person filling those role all the time and giving myself over to trusting and loving a person rather than being suspicious of them is how I'd rather construct a life with someone. 

This echos so many of my thoughts and feelings, i think you've wonderfully articulated some great insights!!

i agree heartily that it's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of ones needs/wants.  i do think that one of the benefits of a ltr is it can help us identify our needs/wants.  i think a mistake we make is the presumption that the person and relationship that helps us identify our needs and wants is responsible for meeting them.  To me, the idea/ideal of 'love' is it is something freely given, not coerced, guilted or shames out of someone.

 If we truly love someone, it seems to me that we would want them to get their needs and wants met.  In that vein, i have come to see compatibility as a very important factor in ltr.  i advocate for the sort of "speaking out... " and "diagram it out" as something we do in order to figure out whether we are a ltr fit in the first place.  E.g., in simple terms, if i am a bottom and i'm interested in a guy and he is a bottom too, we have to decide just how important sex is as a definer of our relationship?  For me, it's hard to imagine being in a long term romantic relationship with that person, but i can easily imagine being a long term intimate friend.  Romance, for me, involves sex, so part of my "rules and expectations" are that a person be a Top in order to even be considered as a potential long term romantic relationship. 

For me, that puts the horse before the cart to do that.  i came from a religious culture that, in addition to not allowing for my being gay, programed the notions of monogamy and virgnity prior to the commitment to a monogamous marriage.  i think that is an undercurrent in a lot of relationships, that many of the ramifications and expectations of religious culture is built into mainstream heteronormative 'values' (which has also been built into gay people who were raised in a heteronormative culture).   I.e., those 'values' force people to find out about most of their needs and wants after making a commitment.  The ideal of commitment overshadows the realities of need and want and lack of compatibility devolves the relationship into quid pro quo.  i don't think that is sustainable.  There is no natural balance as with a Top/bottom dynamic where each persons need naturally meets the others. Instead, each is expecting the other to meet their need/want because of the ideal of "love."  

To me, a successful ltr has both love and compatibility, not just "love." 

[ScorpionFF]

On 12/25/2019 at 9:18 AM, twstdpigboy said:

Monogamy does not work and most of the science stands behind that assertion.

I think most of us myself included have had a bash at it, and eventually it just doesn't work does it. Starting out as monogamous, yes, okay, but long term monogamy is like trying to put a size 6 right shoe on a size 8 left foot ~ Yeah, good luck with that one.

 

On 12/25/2019 at 9:18 AM, twstdpigboy said:

We're all grown-ups and we expect to to be treated as one as well.

I could not agree more.

 

On 12/25/2019 at 9:18 AM, twstdpigboy said:

giving myself over to trusting and loving a person rather than being suspicious of them is how I'd rather construct a life with someone. 

My outlook! Overall a reply I very much relate to.

[ScorpionFF]

On 12/25/2019 at 12:15 PM, twoguyssssss4fun said:

in one relationship, was open and honest but in the end he grew jealous. So i became  less honest.

Yes, becoming less honest when confronted with jealousy is very much a normal reaction to have. Stems from insecurities I feel.

 

On 12/25/2019 at 12:15 PM, twoguyssssss4fun said:

i have no problem being in open relationship as long as you can be open and honest

Exactly. That is what we need in any kind of relationship, whether it be romantic or professional;

Honesty. Trust. Communication.

[ScorpionFF]

20 hours ago, drscorpio said:

All in all, the good part of being in an open relationship was worth it. It was good to be able to be a slut and still come home to a man who loved me.

A very healthy and wonderful combination. 😊

[tallslenderguy]

18 minutes ago, S6AT6A6N said:

A very healthy and wonderful combination. 😊

Right?  

To me, a Top and bottom male are two sides of the same coin.  We are both testosterone filled and driven, just from opposite directions.  i'm as driven to have my Tops cock and seed (and piss and....) as He is driven to penetrate and deposits Himself.  There's differences of course. i love the Top who knows how to manipulate and control (in a good way) a bottoms need  for Him.  

For me the biggest key and advantage to ongoing relationship (whatever form, not talking monogamy necessarily) is Him controlling a bottoms lust for Him or Tops by finding ways to keep His bottom from cumming by using his penis.  i'm a bottomless slut when i haven't cum for awhile and a Top is edging me psychologically (and sometimes physically) without letting me cum.  i think it is an underused energy for lack of understanding. 

[MackyJay]

Just the sex, please, and do me good and fill my hole as many times as you want to. nobody refused

[Guest takingdeepanal]

EXCELLENT POVs from all of the above posters.

All relationships (and in a lot of cases even approaching one another for a fuck) involve the big T word - TRUST. 

[hotguy02]

I would love a LTR relationship with my top daddy but he said he doesn't want anything monogamous.   He doesn't let anyone else fuck me or doesn't allow me to suck anyone elses dick but his.  He is very strict on that.    He still fucks other bottoms. I understand that he has a right as a top to fuck anyone he wants but sometimes I get a bit jealous lol.     He's 65 and I'm 35.    Either way he calls me regularly to go service him and take his load.   He asked me to.move closer to him recently so I may do that to be near him.  Hopefully that will get us closer as a relationship.  Idk. Any advice would help.  

[NLbear]

1 hour ago, hotguy02 said:

I would love a LTR relationship with my top daddy but he said he doesn't want anything monogamous.   He doesn't let anyone else fuck me or doesn't allow me to suck anyone elses dick but his.  He is very strict on that.    He still fucks other bottoms. I understand that he has a right as a top to fuck anyone he wants but sometimes I get a bit jealous lol.     He's 65 and I'm 35.    Either way he calls me regularly to go service him and take his load.   He asked me to.move closer to him recently so I may do that to be near him.  Hopefully that will get us closer as a relationship.  Idk. Any advice would help.  

Why is that? I would say that if you have sex with others you develop as a bottom and you get more experience. You can give him a better service then.

Tbh, if a Top fucks everyone left and right but wouldn't allow me to get fucked by others that "relationship" would soon be over.

[hotguy02]

41 minutes ago, NLbear said:

Why is that? I would say that if you have sex with others you develop as a bottom and you get more experience. You can give him a better service then.

Tbh, if a Top fucks everyone left and right but wouldn't allow me to get fucked by others that "relationship" would soon be over.

Idk. He makes me feel very submissive to him and loyal.  

[ScorpionFF]

2 hours ago, hotguy02 said:

I would love a LTR relationship with my top daddy but he said he doesn't want anything monogamous.   He doesn't let anyone else fuck me or doesn't allow me to suck anyone elses dick but his.  He is very strict on that.    He still fucks other bottoms. I understand that he has a right as a top to fuck anyone he wants but sometimes I get a bit jealous lol.     He's 65 and I'm 35.    Either way he calls me regularly to go service him and take his load.   He asked me to.move closer to him recently so I may do that to be near him.  Hopefully that will get us closer as a relationship.  Idk. Any advice would help.  

@hotguy02, as I understand the 'ownership' mindset I can appreciate the sexual relationship and submissive/loyal dynamics you have with your top daddy. However, you touch upon feeling 'jealous'. Firstly you want to nip that emotion in the bud (not healthy for body and mind). Secondly, that tells me you might have romantic feelings for him. If so, have you told him? Frank communication is absolutely paramount with anyone we come into contact with. 

It sounds like from my understanding that your emotional needs are not being met. In that instance it could be a positive thing to redirect that energy into being sexually active with other Men whilst retaining what you currently have with your top daddy. Of course you would both need to agree on that. 

NLbear's wise words say enough;

1 hour ago, NLbear said:

if you have sex with others you develop as a bottom and you get more experience. You can give him a better service then.

 

[Guest CuriousDallas]

Option 4 for me. I’m not the dating type although guys and girls seem to fantasize about what it’d be like to date me or think I’d be a great guy to date. Truth is I’m a slut and cheat like crazy when I date. I’m not monogamous and don’t even try. Yeah, I am currently kind of sort of dating a guy but it’s totally an open relationship and he’s just as slutty as I am. That’s probably the only way dating would ever work for me and even then I’m not sure what I get from it. It’s not like I want to move in together and I’m not sure what we really get from the relationship that we’re wouldn’t get from just hooking up. Yeah, Jesse’s a funny guy and a lot cooler, braver, and tougher than I am and I enjoy being with him, but I also know that sooner or later he’ll probably find a guy he’ll want to get serious with and it won’t be me. I feel like I’m likely to be one of those guys who spends their life going through hookups, cruising sex clubs and bathhouses, and ABS’s not out of desperation but by choice. I’m cool with that and besides, I’m 19 and maybe in time I’ll decide I do want to date and be more monogamous. Maybe not. I try not to worry about the future as I’ve got enough going on right now.