It’s consuming me

[Guest CuriousCub90]

First post and I’m already asking for guidance advice or even help. Im not entirely sure myself.

A year ago I was thinking about marrying a guy in a completely monogamous relationship and amazingly happy about it. I wasn’t on Prep. Prep to me was always something sluts took. Not me; I was happy with one vanilla man and we got tested and never cheated on each other. So why would I take that.

From me being here you can probably assume that relationship ended. I was devastated and I started to explore my sexuality as medicine. I was always a furry. He didn’t know. Finally embraced that side of me and loving every minute. That led me to explore other things, and before I knew it suddenly prep seemed not only not bad anymore but a necessity. 
 

I got on prep and haven’t missed a dose since. I’ve been taking a lot of cum lately. I’ve never been as sexually satisfied in my life. But it’s just not cutting it anymore. I need something. I don’t know why; I know it’s stupid but I need something in me bad. Poz cum. 

ive been vaguely aware of bugchasing for a few years but was never into it. You know guys say when they became poz they became total sluts. I need that. I started craving it. And suddenly I wasn’t repulsed to it while jerking off if I came across it. Suddenly that turned into curiosity and that led to me not having cum for a couple months now without thinking about poz. 
 

its in me now; in my brain. I’m still on Prep and terrified of quitting and tempted to stop them at the same time.

im not out as a chaser. I got gono a couple months back and treated it but the morning I first saw the ooze and felt the sting I probably had one of the best orgasms of my life. I felt so dirty and used and horny I had to jerk off right away. I couldn’t even wait to arrange something
 

I got it treated. I’ve had chlamydia twice before and got it treated. Didn’t share. Sharing to a bugchaser would be great But I don’t know any. And to my usual fuck buddies like... the only thing that’s gonna get me is less sex.

but yeah. I want to be poz. Bad. I know it’s the stupidest thing but to me it’s like ... getting pregnant and idk... I want to have a poz daddy but I’m scared. Legit scared. 
 

I wake up pozzing pillows. It’s driving me crazy and honestly while I’m having sex or jerking off or whatever it’s amazing but during non horny times it’s really mentally taxing.

 

im not at the point of taking poz kids yet; like actively. Like telling someone to poz me even while on prep. It’s such a mindfuck 

[leatherpunk16]

First, welcome to BZ. Feel free to talk to any of us about stuff like this.

You are not alone. I am a lot like this. This site makes one hungry for it, and brings out desires you didn't know where there. If you want to feed that darkness, spend some time reading the bugchasing fiction. Some of it is quite good. I'd recommend stuff, but what I like isn't necessarily what YOU will like. Talk to other members of the forum. Browse and see what all is here. There's a lot!

You *should* be scared. It's a big step. I think mentally you might be ready to start the journey, but perhaps not emotionally. That's where we come in. We're here to help and guide you along the way. I am no expert on the subject - I'm not poz myself - and have little authority on the subject. Some guys here will strongly encourage you to do it. Others will show you resources so you can decide for yourself and what the long-term meaning of the poz life is really about. 

Think about what you really want, and what your journey means to you. You don't have to get plowed by every slut in the bathhouse to live a great sex life. Personally, I don't think that would be fulfilling for the long-term. In your 20s, sure, but at middle age, not satisfactory. 

Stick around, and keep coming back. Ask your questions, and be open minded. We're always here.

[viking8x6]

I get where you're coming from. It took me quite a while to get over my alarm about my own fascination with it.

Now I've known about chasing for at least 15 years, and I'm a bit more comfortable with my own thoughts.

My take-home is, to quote a favorite movie, "consistency is not really a human trait." It's perfectly possible, and even OK, for one to have that fascination with pozzing and to have a rational thought process that says it wouldn't be the right choice for them. They are both just thoughts, and equally valid. What actions one takes in consequence are equally valid, too. Our responsibility as humans is just to choose our actions, every day - which is a fuckton harder than it sounds. But in the end, we're all going to die, and the only antidote is to live our most authentic life, every day. Consistent or not.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, leatherpunk16 said:

First, welcome to BZ. Feel free to talk to any of us about stuff like this.

You are not alone. I am a lot like this. This site makes one hungry for it, and brings out desires you didn't know where there. If you want to feed that darkness, spend some time reading the bugchasing fiction. Some of it is quite good. I'd recommend stuff, but what I like isn't necessarily what YOU will like. Talk to other members of the forum. Browse and see what all is here. There's a lot!

You *should* be scared. It's a big step. I think mentally you might be ready to start the journey, but perhaps not emotionally. That's where we come in. We're here to help and guide you along the way. I am no expert on the subject - I'm not poz myself - and have little authority on the subject. Some guys here will strongly encourage you to do it. Others will show you resources so you can decide for yourself and what the long-term meaning of the poz life is really about. 

Think about what you really want, and what your journey means to you. You don't have to get plowed by every slut in the bathhouse to live a great sex life. Personally, I don't think that would be fulfilling for the long-term. In your 20s, sure, but at middle age, not satisfactory. 

Stick around, and keep coming back. Ask your questions, and be open minded. We're always here.

This is some of the best information you can get at this point in time.  My only advice is to be cautious, stay on the PrEP and take your time, it's a huge step if you come to decide to go off of it and poz up, and it's a one way street with no turning back. Take your time and learn and research as much as possible to make sure it is right and that you are truley ready for it and don't just let guys talk you into jumping into it.  As I always tell guys in this situation, " Make sure it is your decision and only your decision and that you can be comfortable with it ", before jumping off the cliff !!

[Guest CuriousCub90]

A little background btw. About to turn 30

1 hour ago, Gin said:

im not at the point of taking poz kids yet; like actively. Like telling someone to poz me even while on prep. It’s such a mindfuck 

Poz loads it should say.

thanks to those who have answered yeah it’s hard. My biggest worry to be perfectly honest is not even testing positive. It’s the slippery slope of it. First UD poz loads, then poz loads, then HVL, then hunting strains and then no meds or even med resistant. Like. Ok when does it stop? It stops somewhere. Like I’d rather get more than a few good years of life left I’m barely 30 
 

 

[Guest CuriousCub90]

Also I’ve been lurking here for a few months then created an account to post this weeks ago but been  debating on it and said might as well talk about this with someone that won’t stop talking to me because of it 😅

[drscorpio]

Your relationship ended and you’re grieving it. Having self-destructive urges is normal. My advice would be to stay on PrEP until you have worked through all your issues with your ex. You can always decided to get poz later, but you can't get un-poz if you change your mind later. 

[Guest CuriousCub90]

8 minutes ago, drscorpio said:

Your relationship ended and your grieving it. Having self-destructive urges is normal. My advice would be to stay on PrEP until you have worked through all your issues with your ex. You can always decided to get poz later, but you can't get un-poz if you change your mind later. 

It wasn’t over a few days or even weeks. It’s just like a new normal. This was the better part of a yeAr in the making 

[Pumpinmyhole]

I've been poz since 2000, long before PrEP was available.  I wasn't chasing.  I had no fantasies about taking poz loads.  One raw fuck awakened my desire for more, having cum in my ass gave me a high.  I tried to be selective and hook up with only recently tested neg guys...But here I am, poz for 20 years.  I wonder if I'm in the minority on this site, but I wish I were neg.  Yes, being poz does allow you to be a carefree slut.  But being on PrEP allows for the same.  You can be on PrEP and actively seek out poz loads too.  

Let's face it, being poz is kind of a pain in the ass.  Routine blood work, prescriptions, daily meds.  The co-pay for my meds is $1920/year.  That amount isn't going to make or break me, but I wish I could put that money someplace else.  Times are changing, but I still find quite a few neg tops that won't come near my poz ass.  If PrEP were available back in 2000, I would have jumped right on it.  

I agree with what drscorpio said above.  Stay on PrEP, because once you convert, you're stuck.

[SFCumdog]

Is being poz the worst thing in the world were it to happen to you, no, not really. I find it's actually quite liberating in many ways. But would I say that it's been a rosy path that I've been on because of it, no, I surely wouldn't. Perhaps if I had had some choice in how it happened to me, I would feel a bit differently about it. And perhaps if the bf I had had, one who pushed my naively trusting much younger self down a path of non-monogamy, had ended up poz along with me so that we would have experienced it together, I would feel differently about it also. But of course, that's not how it worked out. It was just me.

I wish I had had the choice of taking Prep, but I didn't. But putting all that other aside, and the only reason I would say to exercise caution, is the one thing that keeps me awake at night right now, in the middle of my life, with a country and economy in apparent free fall, what if I were to lose my job? What if I don't have access to the drugs I need? I see what my plan pays on a yearly basis to keep me healthy. And it's not just being poz. It's so many of the other things that come along as you get older, and often in addition to it. I could never afford it on my own. Fantasy is fun. Reality not nearly so much. Perhaps just stay on Prep knowing you can take as much poz cum as you want, but also knowing that if for some reason something happens and you still somehow end up poz, it happened. It's not the end of the world, just a different reality.

[Guest CuriousCub90]

Thanks all; yeah I’m staying on Prep and living the fantasy at least for a good while.

still mentally it’s a fucking trip 😅

[BootmanLA]

30 minutes ago, Gin said:

Thanks all; yeah I’m staying on Prep and living the fantasy at least for a good while.

still mentally it’s a fucking trip 😅

I will add this, not that you necessarily need a reminder, but:  when you see all those posts urging you on to indulge, to be a pig, to give up PrEP and "live your destiny", or whatever BS they're hawking, just remember they aren't the one(s) who will be living with the consequences of your decision. YOU will be. They aren't going to help shoulder the financial burdens that HIV medications impose on you, even assuming you have good health coverage right now. They aren't going to be helping you apply for governmental assistance if you DO lose whatever health insurance you currently have; there are programs out there to help, but YOU will be the one tracking them down, or finding someone to help you navigate the system.

If you do want a relationship some day, know that becoming poz doesn't mean that's impossible, but it does immediately start imposing some limits. There are plenty of negative guys who won't date anyone who's positive, even undetectable people. There are those who will, of course, and you can always date someone else who's poz, but your pool of potential matches is diminished before you even get to other kinds of compatibility.

Routine health care is good, and in that respect, being poz can motivate you to stay on top of other health concerns before or as they develop, so that's a potential upside. And a good HIV specialist is going to have staff who take care of you; my doctor wants to see me every five months or so, and when I leave one appointment, they've already booked my next one in their system. But on the downside: while HIV medications are, broadly speaking, quite effective at suppressing the virus, they can take a toll on your body's other systems. A significant number can lead to kidney or liver problems, for instance. If you have or develop any other types of health issues - hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol, whatever - the options for treating those conditions may be more limited because of interactions with HIV medications, or because in the presence of a compromised immune system, some common drugs can be toxic for key organs.

And on and on. Don't get me wrong: once things are stabilized, it *mostly* works like clockwork, with regular blood screenings keeping your doctors on their toes for developing problems. But that will go on *forever*. It's a juggling act, and you're not in control of the weight or shape of the items in the air nor how fast they're moving. As you said, you're barely 30; you could easily live another 50 years. How do you want to spend it?

[Cuteguy69]

Am newly poz 

for me it didn’t change a thing

i whas scared of the meds 

my insurance only pay 80%
the balance it’s all covered by the meds company 

ask your doctor about it

i only wish I new where and when I got poz

hope fully it whas like a fantasy that night

i don’t regret it at all

[AlexBBPig]

You really need to be prepared for life as a poz. Being poz might seem liberating, but you can still contract a lot of other STDs while you are out living freely.  I’d echo the comments about the costs. If you have insurance  most if not all of the costs will be covered. The drug manufacturers have programs to cover the rest if you have insurance.  But there’s costs for the routine blood tests, the doctor visits, etc. that aren’t always covered.  If you don’t have insurance, you will be in trouble really quickly.  My meds are about $100 / day.  I couldn’t afford to pay that out of pocket for very long.  That’s puts pressure on me to always have a job. Without a job, I have no insurance and no healthcare. 

Something think about if you want to be in a serious relationship at some point.  It’s impossible to get any substantial amount of life insurance if you have HIV. Every insurance company will automatically deny you when they pull your medical records and see that you have HIV. 

One more thing to consider.  Even though meds can suppress your viral load, you still have a compromised immune system.  That means that you may be more susceptible to contracting other viruses, and if you do contract something your compromised immune system will have a more difficult time fighting it.  

I’m not trying to scare you, just give you some things to consider.  Most days I don’t really think about having HIV. It hasn’t really impacted my life substantially.  I prepared myself for the diagnosis long before I actually heard the words “the test came back positive”. That preparation has helped alot, since knowledge is the best defense for fear.  

 

[iman2004]

On 7/22/2020 at 4:26 PM, Gin said:

A little background btw. About to turn 30

Poz loads it should say.

thanks to those who have answered yeah it’s hard. My biggest worry to be perfectly honest is not even testing positive. It’s the slippery slope of it. First UD poz loads, then poz loads, then HVL, then hunting strains and then no meds or even med resistant. Like. Ok when does it stop? It stops somewhere. Like I’d rather get more than a few good years of life left I’m barely 30 
 

 

I was a condom nazi, then went bare once and then was happy to bb with "neg" guys. I hooked up with a poz u/d guy and then I only wanted to fuck undetectable guys. Now, a bit like you, I think about getting pozzed and fantasise about it all the time. Thinking about getting pozzed turns me on. In the right circumstances I'd go for it, but I'd need to switch the brain off for a bit. Poppers are pretty good at switching the brain off for me.