Curious but confused bottom

[BootmanLA]

7 hours ago, blackrobe said:

It sounds like the OP needs to use his words and just get this out in the open. If this dom has other bitches he fucks, then you can have other doms and tops to bitch-fuck you without restriction. You need to find a balance you can live with because by their nature dominant breeders are going to want to use whoever they like.

Not necessarily so for the "you can have other..." part. That really depends on the dynamic of the relationship and the agreement and consent between them.

For some - not all, but certainly a significant portion - of the BDSM/DS community, a significant factor is the dominant partner having some to total control over the submissive partner's sexual interactions. It may mean the sub has to seek approval for anyone else to play with him; it may mean that any requests to play with the sub need to be made to the dominant directly, rather than having the sub ask. It may mean that the sub will be expected (within limits) to play with those the dominant directs. As long as those terms are freely negotiated as part of the relationship and as long as there's no gaslighting or other psychological manipulation designed to keep the sub from opting out, then it's OK for that agreement to specify that the dom can have sex with whomever he chooses, while the sub has to seek permission (or have others seek permission).

But it's easy for people new to the scene to be manipulated into agreements they wouldn't otherwise agree to. That's where the problem comes in. It's also a problem when some inexperienced but top-leaning twit decides he's a "Master" because he wants things to be all about him; an inexperienced sub in those cases is a disaster waiting to happen. 

[ejaculaTe]

13 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

It may mean the sub has to seek approval for anyone else to play with him; it may mean that any requests to play with the sub need to be made to the dominant directly, rather than having the sub ask. It may mean that the sub will be expected (within limits) to play with those the dominant directs.

From hotguy02's A4A profile: "I'm boy to ----. On occasion he will let me suck another man's dick if I ask him for permission which he has [given] in the past."

[find91]

21 hours ago, blackrobe said:

I don't think the OP is overly territorial, just trying to figure out whether there's a boundary here they care about. My experience of non-performative dominant breeders is that they like a variety of subs and bottoms to use and enjoy. I like a variety of dominants and tops to use and enjoy me as well, so in that the expectations are balanced. Now, that doesn't mean I don't feel envious of all the other boys he's fucking and pumping his seed into. But that understanding can be fuel to focus and become his best boy.  

It sounds like the OP needs to use his words and just get this out in the open. If this dom has other bitches he fucks, then you can have other doms and tops to bitch-fuck you without restriction. You need to find a balance you can live with because by their nature dominant breeders are going to want to use whoever they like.

I wasn't implying the op was territorial. That comment was giving the Dom's perspective and why he wasn't direct in the fact that he was seeing other guys. 

I agree the op just needs to ask his Sir if the relationship is exclusive or not and go from there.

Sub's must follow orders, but personal I feel a sub has a right on choosing what Master to follow

[LetsPOZBreed]

4 hours ago, find91 said:

Sub's must follow orders, but personal I feel a sub has a right on choosing what Master to follow

@find91 nailed this right on the head.  

It's very easy for those not truly initiated into the BDSM community to assume that things work a certain way.  The whole concept of being a "submissive" is being misinterpreted to mean having zero control.  That shouldn't be the case at all.  The whole concept is a shared understanding of the D/s relationship from both sides.  A sub will give control under agreed limitations and boundaries, and a Dom respects those boundaries.  Those limits may be pushed, but there should always be an "out" (safe word, safe signal) so things don't cross a line.  I was told at the beginning of my BDSM journey that any Dom not willing to negotiate limits is not a real Dom at all; same goes for subs.  

One of the first things that should be negotiated is the ability (or lack thereof) to play outside of the D/s relationship, and what terms apply if there is an allowance.  Whether this requiring the Dom's presence, the Dom's approval, or otherwise, this has to be laid out at the beginning.  If a sub is not willing to share his dom (not necessarily for territorial reasons) this has to be laid out from the get go.  If the Dom doesn't want to accept that, then the D/s relationship should just end right there.  Similarly, if a Dom wants his sub for himself, while still being allowed to play outside, this has to be discussed and agreed at the outset.  

If one decides to partake in the BDSM and fetish community in any way, one of the first things you must learn is to know how to communicate boundaries.  A true Dom looks out for the safety and wellbeing of his sub.  A true sub will submit under honest terms.  Neither of these things can happen without a conversation and mutual agreement.  

[hotguy02]

On 10/19/2020 at 2:34 PM, LetsPOZBreed said:

I'll echo @BootmanLA here.  It's not submission in this case.  If you didn't think this is a problem, you wouldn't be posing the question here.  Couple of thoughts from me:

If this isn't really a problem, then you should have enough of a dialogue with your master for him to know that you're actually okay with him coming over with a freshly fucked dick.  If you're actually turned on by this practice, I would think your master would be absolutely aching to tell you about him just having fucked another bottom right before you. 

There is a clear distinction between true submission and being outright used.   Being a true submissive to your master requires an open dialogue at the beginning over limits, both yours and his.  None of us is truly ever "no limits", but the best D/s relationships have a clear understanding of just how far each other can go with one another.  By not being honest about his fucking a sub before you, it takes away your ability to give informed consent to being put into that situation.  

The best Dom/sub (or Master/slave) relationships are built on the foundation of mutual respect.  Your willingness to be a submissive should not override your ability to know your limits and insist on them.  The best Doms and Masters know this, and are much more open to having this dialogue than one might suspect.

I know this sounds easier said than done, but I'm speaking as a voice of experience.  The fact that he's your first makes this a difficult thought process, and I fully recognise that.  You just need to also fully recognise and grow into your own sexual being.  If that's being a total sub, it's knowing how to do that on your terms - which I know sounds counterintuitive.  Hopefully you can find the best way forward and everything works out, but you can't stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.

Thank you for your Advice. I'm very ok with sucking him after he fucked.    We talked about it and he made me understand that it makes him happy ànd I want to keep him happy