Okay, Explain: Why Hit On Guys On The Opposite Side Of The Fucking Planet?

[hntnhole]

On 4/9/2022 at 4:54 AM, AirmaxAndy said:

Less cynically: On the other hand, telling someone or acknowledging how hot they look or whatever actually doesn't cost much time and strokes their ego, while giving out some positive vibe/energy makes both parties feel better, so I don't think it's a bad thing. Some of us appreciate compliments, even from far off, as they don't come often enough!

I think AmAndy is pretty much spot on.  Some guys just feel good trying to make another guy feel good - even in some country he'll never visit.  I guess it depends on the definition of "hit up"?  Merely offering a compliment to some guy doesn't necessarily mean you're cruising him - unless there's more conversation alluding to a hookup that will never take place. But merely sharing a few kind words with someone hurts no one - and may make some guy's day.  Where's the harm?

[onlyraw]

4 hours ago, RawPlug said:

But in your determination to catch that train, you may run past someone dancing on the platform you’d like to do the horizontal rumba with. Who knows…? 

Well I may have to write this down and pin on the wall ….as it could be taken as a metaphor for so many situations  

[SpectreAgent]

3 hours ago, onlyraw said:

Well I may have to write this down and pin on the wall ….as it could be taken as a metaphor for so many situations  

Someone once said “Never say no to adventures. Otherwise, you’ll live a very dull life.” I like that.

[BootmanLA]

On 4/12/2022 at 3:39 PM, ErosWired said:

I take your point, but not every application is intended to be used for every purpose, and I think a very good argument could be made that the utility potential of hookup apps has been widely compromised, if not critically undermined, by people co-opting them for use for other purposes. That’s not to say that all apps should be dedicated hookup platforms, but a few dedicated hookup platforms that aren’t rendered unusable by fantasists, fappers and flakes are sorely in need, in my opinion.

The way I look at it, it’s sort of like a group of people deciding to take over a railway platform so they can all go line-dancing in its open space. I shouldn’t have to explain to every person I encounter that I don’t want to dance a set with them because I want to catch the train, and I shouldn’t have to shout at them to get out of the way before I miss the connection - the platform was built for boarding trains, not as a dance floor.

And I agree with this, too, but: when a social media platform (website, app, etc.) specifically and clearly indicates, among the options it gives its users for self-identification, that "chatting" and "friendship" and the like are acceptable reasons to be on the site, well... 

That's one of the things (few, perhaps) that BBRT has had going for it; it's unabashedly a hook-up site, and there's no place on there where you can indicate you're looking for a husband, or a dance partner, or whatever. It has a lot of other problems - as I know you've experienced, but that's the one thing it's got down pat.

The difference with the train platform is that while it might be co-opted by non-train-users, that's not by the intent of the designers of the space. With Growlr/Scruff/Grindr/etc., it's not co-opting; those activities were specifically contemplated by the designers as people to be included. You don't have to like it, of course. But it's their space to offer as they see fit.

[BootmanLA]

On 4/12/2022 at 4:24 PM, TheSRQDude said:

There's just one problem with that: People who don't read profiles (or the blood rushed from their head to somewhere else and their brain shut off).  

I've said exactly this on profiles that I'm not interested in chat or situations where I need to call my travel agent to get laid. Yet, guys refuse to read that and just hit you up anyway. Here's others:

Hey, I'm a FF Top. Nice for you, nothing in my profile indicates I'm a FF bottom.
How's it going, safe play only. My profile is clear in that I don't want condoms.
How about some role-play? I'm really clear I'm not into RP.
I'll hookup if you're "gen". Fuck, how many different ways can you make it clear you aren't gen? 

And all of those were examples that were totally unsolicited, So I totally get why @ErosWired finds that this grinds his gears. Mine too. Simple solution is the block function.

My response in all such cases is "I'm guessing reading wasn't your strongest subject in school, before you left there?"

THEN I block. 🙂

[ErosWired]

20 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

And I agree with this, too, but: when a social media platform (website, app, etc.) specifically and clearly indicates, among the options it gives its users for self-identification, that "chatting" and "friendship" and the like are acceptable reasons to be on the site, well...

Just so. Which only somewhat compounds the point, from my perspective. Even if I haven’t read the narrative (such as there may be) attached to the profile, I will have at least given a cursory glance at the list of attributes the person has chosen, particularly the notation of what he’s looking for. If I see “friends, relationship”, I’m disinclined to approach, because my service is strictly NSA and I’m not really relationship material. If I see “chat” I run far, far away.

It seems to me that establishing whether there’s any likelihood of compatibility before seeking an investment of the other person’s time and attention is the least one might reasonably expect; but instead, we find people simply throwing themselves blindly at other people on the other side of the planet just to see if they happen to stick.

 I understand what people are saying here about being open to the possibility that someone who contacts me from a city 500 miles away could someday -you never know- end up crossing my path. But the commonplace reality is that over half the guys who hit me up within a five-mile radius don’t actually show up. I’m not holding my breath waiting for the guy from Sydney.

As to the guys who just want to send someone a compliment… that’s nice, I suppose? The compliment means nothing to me - I’m not vain enough to be pleased by random flattery, and have a realistic enough opinion of my own appearance to place it in proper context. It then simply becomes more of an irritant because I feel obliged to respond with a reciprocal compliment that I probably have to invent (he may have been fishing for one to begin with) or at least some empty pleasantry. In either case, it takes up time to no productive purpose.

 I say all of the above with the caveat that I’m fully aware that part of my irritation comes from being an Autistic person with a deep dislike for the kind of ephemeral social interactions that other people seem to thrive on. As far as that goes, I encourage you to pay me no mind.

[ejaculaTe]

3 hours ago, ErosWired said:

because I feel obliged to respond with a reciprocal compliment that I probably have to invent (he may have been fishing for one to begin with) or at least some empty pleasantry. In either case, it takes up time to no productive purpose.

I always viewed a simple "Thanks for the compliment" to be more than sufficient. Indeed, if upon looking at the other's profile, I know I'm not interested, that is all I write. Of course, one can always ignore the message from the other person and proceed with one's own survey of profiles.

[ErosWired]

4 minutes ago, ejaculaTe said:

I always viewed a simple "Thanks for the compliment" to be more than sufficient.

Therein lies a risk, however. A reply may be interpreted as an invitation to converse, and one suddenly finds oneself forced into an unwanted exchange that could be open-ended. [Related rant: Guys who send messages like “Hi” and when you respond never say another word]

[ejaculaTe]

17 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

Therein lies a risk, however. A reply may be interpreted as an invitation to converse, and one suddenly finds oneself forced into an unwanted exchange that could be open-ended. [Related rant: Guys who send messages like “Hi” and when you respond never say another word]

To my mind, there are two advantages to email (and its cousin, messages on hook-up sites/apps). The first is that unless the context implies that a quick reply is wanted, I can send the email or message and not fear that I am making unreasonable demands on the recipient to answer. The second is that unlike face to face encounters, it is easier -- or at least, I find it easier -- to ignore email and messages. If after "thanks for the compliment," I see another message which is now unwanted, I just ignore it. Don't be afraid of hitting the "delete" button.

Edited April 14, 2022 by ejaculaTe
change of phrase

[tallslenderguy]

Not sure i can add anything new to this discussion.

For me it's about mood and perspective.  if i'm in the mood for sex right now and i go to an app to try and find a hook up, i'm not going to want to spend a lot of time flirting and chatting with someone who is not nearby and accessible.  Of course, with apps, proximity is no guarantee of actual physical connection. Consider all the discussions we have had on frustration with flakes on apps, and that's with guys who are 10 minutes away.  i may get more connection from the guy in London than i do from the guy around the corner, depending on the guy.

And for me, that would be the point, some from of connection. Sex for me is not all physical. It's got a huge component of psychosexual need/desire attached to it as well. i have been 'penetrated," (and frankly, "bred") by a Mans desire/need, on more occasions than i can count, with 'just words.'   Is that all i need/want? Nah, but it is definitely a part of what i need/want,  i think we often miss out on getting some of what we desire/need because of an all or nothing approach.  I've had some very sweet connections that were not all inclusive packages. 

i may not always fully get what i need want, but in the absence of His physical presence, having a Mans emotional presence still carries a lot of weight for me (and, apparently, Him when He pursues it).  

Typically, if i need the physical connection of sex right now, i'm not on an app, i'm physically somewhere where i can get it. 

[BlackDude]

On 4/10/2022 at 6:59 AM, onlyraw said:

I am on both sides of this - and it partly depends on the app

prior to Covid I was more dubious- and if it was a younger guy hitting me up from far away I just assumed they were looking for a sugar daddy to be there green card to the US and I ignored them 

If a beautiful may from Jordan, Turkey or one of the neighboring areas wanted a green card I’d consider it!

Kidding!!! Maybe…..

[BootmanLA]

On 4/13/2022 at 10:32 PM, ErosWired said:

Therein lies a risk, however. A reply may be interpreted as an invitation to converse, and one suddenly finds oneself forced into an unwanted exchange that could be open-ended. [Related rant: Guys who send messages like “Hi” and when you respond never say another word]

It might be so interpreted, but that's a problem for the (mis-) interpreter.

If a compliment comes through and appears sincere, even if I am not interested in the person, I always say "Thank you." Sometimes I say "Thank you, that's very kind", which I hope comes across as polite but not encouraging. I do not reply with a like compliment unless one is truly merited - if nothing about the person is appealing, I'm not going to "fake it", but I will show gratitude for the kind thoughts.

Beyond that, I'm quite good at discouraging further converation by polite yet not encouraging responses.

You've mentioned before that you are autistic, which I imagine probably presents some issues in terms of "reading" what other people are saying - but which may also make it hard for you to craft a response that is polite yet clear that you're not encouraging the other person. Not that you asked for advice, but I'm also not sure I can give you useful advice for that situation, other than asking any friends you trust to give you feedback on stock replies - which ones would be least likely to drag you into such a situation.

[ErosWired]

4 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

You've mentioned before that you are autistic, which I imagine probably presents some issues in terms of "reading" what other people are saying - but which may also make it hard for you to craft a response that is polite yet clear that you're not encouraging the other person.

Heh. People being encouraged to get close to me is not a problem I often have. I find it’s usually not anything I will have said that inadvertently acts as a lure; more often it’s a case of needy individuals who will glom onto anyone with reach and are selectively oblivious to any hint or suggestion that their attentions are not wanted.

I might compare them to ticks in the tall grass - they will leap onto anything warm-blooded that walks within reach, bury their head beneath the skin and start draining the life out of you, can be hard to dispose of, and can leave you with a lingering problem.

[BootmanLA]

16 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Heh. People being encouraged to get close to me is not a problem I often have. I find it’s usually not anything I will have said that inadvertently acts as a lure; more often it’s a case of needy individuals who will glom onto anyone with reach and are selectively oblivious to any hint or suggestion that their attentions are not wanted.

I might compare them to ticks in the tall grass - they will leap onto anything warm-blooded that walks within reach, bury their head beneath the skin and start draining the life out of you, can be hard to dispose of, and can leave you with a lingering problem.

I think you've accurately diagnosed the problem with many such people. I'm just suggesting that the range of options available to discourage them (once they make contact) is perhaps wider for some than others. It has been expressed to me that autistic people sometimes (often?) have difficulty reading the moods and emotions of others, and for someone who's more in tune with those, It may be easier to choose among the options for how to respond - to both end the conversation quickly without causing undue offense. 

[ErosWired]

7 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

It may be easier to choose among the options for how to respond

Because all Neurotypicals are emotionally irrational from my perspective, my preferred option for how to respond to men is to - as uniformly as possible - leave the door open, face the other way, and take them up the ass without ever having to look at them.