Losing a friend

[Gingerguy]

Hello everyone,

I  know this  may not be the place to share  my thoughts since it's not about barebacking  but maybe someone could hear them out? I believe there are very few fora that  you can  just  say your thoughts. Anyway..

I'm 29 yo. I don't know if  I'm gay or not, I consider myself as a gay person. I've  never had sex with anyone (female or male) but I jerk off watching gay porn. I  was always quite a lonely person. It's quite funny. I know lots of people but I  can't say I have close friends. I like talking  and going out for dinner but somehow I'm not social. I had a  friend that  I met when I was 25. He was very cute. We had studied in the same university the same degree (MD) but  had  very different paths. We were very dfferent. He was social, flirty and (at times) a  bit  full  of himself. But we had lots of fun together. I  felt alive when I was with him. We never  had sex, I don't think I even wanted that. We  had crossed  some borders  though. We  would kiss  and hug daily. In the  end we stayed together (for a year and a half). We were  cooking together and  doing the laundry. Our common friends said we  had  a bromance (but i really didnt know what that was).  We loved  each other. But the worst happened; he died. It's  been a year now.  My  mood  changes between sadness and  anger. I'm angry for the person who did  it, my blood boils. At the same time I'm thinking of him in weird ways. Or maybe I  dream of him. I keep on thinking him how he looks like a corpse, I have nightmares of him screaming, I see blood. And this  is just so sad  and  traumatizing.

[bottombehr]

So sorry for your loss. Lean on your friends during these difficult times.  Praying for healing ❤️‍

Edited March 19, 2023 by bottombehr

[evilqueerpig]

Even though your relationship was never defined, the 2 of you shared a closeness and the loss is painful.  Despite your boundaries, if you know you made a difference in his life, take comfort in that and cherish what he brought to your life.  My condolences.

[Ieatcumholes]

Society will tell you that you need to be this, that or the other. YOU can be (or not be) whatever you want to be (or not be)! You may or may not be gay. You may be nonbinary. You may be polyamorous or asexual. Or you may just be YOU without any of the labels that society tries to impose upon you!

8 hours ago, Gingerguy said:

But the worst happened; he died. It's  been a year now.  My  mood  changes between sadness and  anger. I'm angry for the person who did  it, my blood boils.

Sorry to hear about your friend. It sounds like he was murdered instead of he just died? You have every right to miss your friend and to be mad at whoever caused your friend's life to end. There is no expiration date on grief, so you should grieve as long as you need to. But don't let missing him or being angry at someone else stop you from moving on! I would guess that he wouldn't want that for you.

I wish I could reach through the internet and give you multiple hugs. But since I can't, I'll send them electronically! 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

[BBBxCumDumpster]

My condolences. I agree that you should grieve for as long or little as you please. Your relationship wasn't textbook but it was what you needed, crafted by the two of you for the two of you and it deserves to be mourned.  As my pastor told me after back to back to back losses, "grief isn't linear." Be patient with yourself.  This may take a while. 

[myDNA4u]

I would like to extend my condolences as well. Some grief never truly goes away. It just becomes part of who you are. Losing the special people in your life is often devastating and can take a long time to overcome. If you haven't already, I would highly recommend professional grief consoling. There is absolutely no reason to feel bad or less of a person for seeking such help.

[pervinmt]

Just remember, you loved someone, and they deserved it. As do you. You brought light into someone else's life, even if it was for only a short period. You made their life better for that time. Cherish that. We all lose loved ones eventually, whether it's through death, or separation. You may never fully get over it, but like the old saying goes.....it is far better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. It sounds cliche, but it's true. Grieve and go forward and love again. 

[Gingerguy]

Thank you all for your kind words:)

15 hours ago, Ieatcumholes said:

like he was murdered instead of he just died

he was the victim of an attack. He was in the wrong place, the  wrong time.

All this hurts so much. Silly to say, but I can't help but wonder "where my friend is". Is he on his grave? Is he everywhere? I  need to talk to him. I talk to him on  my  mind believing he listens. I can't visit his grave, it breaks my heart. As for the person who did that I don't know how should I feel. I'm usually the annoying guy who can't hold a grudge against anyone. Revenge won't  help anything (not to mention that it isn't possible). I so wish this  had never happened.

[hntnhole]

I'm so very sorry to know about this loss you've suffered, Gingerguy.  Loss like this is probably the most terrible to bear - suddenly the loved-one is simply gone, leaving us with a hole in our hearts.  

Of course you're wondering "where he is".  The simple answer is, none of us know.  Some of the more attuned folks believe that there's something after this life, but no one really knows what's next.  religious traditions have been promising that they know where we go, and I don't believe they know anything more than the next guy.  Most folks sense that this isn't the end - the journey continues in some way,  I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to him at all.  I lost my life-partner years ago, and I still talk to him, laugh with him, pretend he's around, as if he actually were.  

There's plenty of time to visit the grave.  Remember that the only thing there, however, is the body he used to walk around in, and his essence/spirit/whatever is free of that body now.  The physical place where what he doesn't need anymore isn't all that important - but keeping him close in your mind is.  

Even if you could take revenge on whoever did this, it sounds to me like you already know that won't bring him back, and retribution is for smaller minds than yours.  Just try to celebrate his life, the time you had together, and take strength from his memory.  It won't happen right away, but at some point it will - if you allow it.  

Best wishes ....

[austin_submale]

On 3/19/2023 at 2:44 PM, Gingerguy said:

Hello everyone,

I  know this  may not be the place to share  my thoughts since it's not about barebacking  but maybe someone could hear them out? I believe there are very few fora that  you can  just  say your thoughts. Anyway..

I'm 29 yo. I don't know if  I'm gay or not, I consider myself as a gay person. I've  never had sex with anyone (female or male) but I jerk off watching gay porn. I  was always quite a lonely person. It's quite funny. I know lots of people but I  can't say I have close friends. I like talking  and going out for dinner but somehow I'm not social. I had a  friend that  I met when I was 25. He was very cute. We had studied in the same university the same degree (MD) but  had  very different paths. We were very dfferent. He was social, flirty and (at times) a  bit  full  of himself. But we had lots of fun together. I  felt alive when I was with him. We never  had sex, I don't think I even wanted that. We  had crossed  some borders  though. We  would kiss  and hug daily. In the  end we stayed together (for a year and a half). We were  cooking together and  doing the laundry. Our common friends said we  had  a bromance (but i really didnt know what that was).  We loved  each other. But the worst happened; he died. It's  been a year now.  My  mood  changes between sadness and  anger. I'm angry for the person who did  it, my blood boils. At the same time I'm thinking of him in weird ways. Or maybe I  dream of him. I keep on thinking him how he looks like a corpse, I have nightmares of him screaming, I see blood. And this  is just so sad  and  traumatizing.

Losing someone you love is never easy.  Don't let anyone tell you that you can't grieve just because you weren't a traditional couple.  When you are ready follow your heart and it is OK if you follow your sexual desires if you want to.  Again, don't let what other people tell you rule you.  Do what you feel.

 

[Hole4u]

Please accept my condolences. My heart is breaking for you. 
 

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t. It just gets to be different. I’m happy you loved each other and you have those memories in your heart. 
It’s ok to be angry. It means you’re feeling and you can’t heal without feel.

Don’t dwell on being gay, straight or whatever. All the sex in the world is no match to another person’s love. You are who you are. You don’t have to be any particular way for anyone. Trust me, they’ll get over it     

The way you opened up here leads me to believe you are a wonderful person. I’m sure it won’t be unnoticed and you will find love again. Don’t fight it as it will be different. You never replace him but you can love someone else, you’ll know when it’s right. 
 

Please don’t hesitate to talk it out. There are plenty of us willing to lend an ear and some tears to help you get through this. Just take it one step at a time. 

[ejaculaTe]

9 hours ago, Gingerguy said:

Is he everywhere?

As long as you remember him, he's everywhere you are..... When the monarch butterflies start to frequent the flowers and shrubs in the yard, I think of them as my late partner coming to check on me. You'll get to that point too.

[Kayne]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Loving someone takes an investment that comes from your soul. 

Its okay to mourn that loss.

Something I heard said once has stayed with me when it comes to dealing with a loss...

 

"Live your life.  Live every day to its fullest, but take 10 mi uses each day to talk to your lost one. do it faithfully..share all the happiness, all the sadness all the frustration  all the mundane things you might otherwise take for granted. Living you life and honoring your past are healthy ways to move on.  just do it at your pace 

I believe in you. 

[Gingerguy]

I'm sorry for not answering earlier. It's just that sometimes it hurts too much.

On 3/20/2023 at 10:37 PM, hntnhole said:

Of course you're wondering "where he is".  The simple answer is, none of us know.  Some of the more attuned folks believe that there's something after this life, but no one really knows what's next.  religious traditions have been promising that they know where we go, and I don't believe they know anything more than the next guy.  Most folks sense that this isn't the end - the journey continues in some way,  I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to him at all.  I lost my life-partner years ago, and I still talk to him, laugh with him, pretend he's around, as if he actually were.  

I'm not the religious guy so i wont look for answers there. I always thought that the souls reside in the blue sky, that's where i wanna think he is. If I am to think as the ancient greeks did,  he is in a place called Elysium. The place of an endless spring, the equivalent of heaven. I am so sorry for your loss.

 

On 3/20/2023 at 10:37 PM, hntnhole said:

There's plenty of time to visit the grave. 

There's not. In my country after 3 years they unbury the dead so as to put a more recent one. The remains are destroyed with chemicals or preserved in a special box.

 

On 3/20/2023 at 10:37 PM, hntnhole said:

Even if you could take revenge on whoever did this, it sounds to me like you already know that won't bring him back, and retribution is for smaller minds than yours.  Just try to celebrate his life, the time you had together, and take strength from his memory.  It won't happen right away, but at some point it will - if you allow it.  

I can't take revenge, I don't believe in that. Even the person who did that. I pity him. Not knowing love, being on the wrong side, losing his freedom. That's a fate worse than death. I know he's not sorry. I wish he understood the pain he inflicted. I know he won't.

 

On 3/21/2023 at 7:25 AM, ejaculaTe said:

As long as you remember him, he's everywhere you are..... When the monarch butterflies start to frequent the flowers and shrubs in the yard, I think of them as my late partner coming to check on me. You'll get to that point too.

That's the sweetest thing I've heard for  a long time. I tend to think of him as the wind against my skin when i walk.

 

On 3/21/2023 at 12:16 AM, Hole4u2fuck said:

Please accept my condolences. My heart is breaking for you. 

thank your for your kind words. 

About being gay I don't know. I don't even care to have sex atm. it was different with him. I liked his smile and  his scent. He felt like a brother from  day 1. i know he was heterosexual yet  he wouldn't mind sleep in my arms. When he died, I felt really surprised that all his friends supported me in a way  that made me believed they  thought i was in the worst place.

On 3/21/2023 at 12:16 AM, Hole4u2fuck said:

Please don’t hesitate to talk it out. There are plenty of us willing to lend an ear and some tears to help you get through this. Just take it one step at a time. 

that's so kind to say. even small steps feel hard at this point.

[VersGuyAnon]

Thank you for having the courage to talk about your friend and your loss. The circumstances of his passing are obviously terribly sad. 

I'm not normally someone who suggests this, but my thought is it would definitely be worth looking into counselling, to help you deal with your thoughts. You say you don't have close friends but know lots of people (which I can absolutely relate to), so I figure it is hard to speak openly with those friends. Or maybe there is in fact someone in your circle who would be a good sounding board? 

I hope with time you manage to come to terms with everything and that your friend is indeed resting in peace. 

Edited March 24, 2023 by VersGuyAnon