Open Relationship Issues

[AversiveSublime]

Open relationships require rules. Big time. I'm in my second year of one and it was a steep learning curve. And every couple is different. I don't do threesomes with my bf. We try to abide by "don't ask don't tell" although we sometimes don't honor that. When he's around I don't cruise other guys online. Period. I let the fuckbuds know that when the bf is around, "you back the fuck off because he comes first". We go to bb sex parties together and fuck right in front of each other. But jealousy is a bitch and when it happens we talk about it. And it can be triggered in the some of the strangest situations. I speak French (my bf doesn't). I got fucked by this French guy at a party who I was talking to later. No exchange of names or numbers but I could sense that my bf was getting bent out of shape. So I ended the conversation. Respect each other at all times. And by the way, your bf should not be doing things that you are not allowed to do. Get his ass straight about that like RIGHT NOW. Do understand that his or your sexcapades are probably going to result in a trip to a clinic.

I have to agree with that and the other comments below. There is a learning curve for sure and while I tend to be the less jealous one I admit that I sometimes have those feelings, but I just seem to be less affected by them than he is sometimes. Our biggest problems aren't real jealousy though but a sort of fear he has about me doing stuff with other people and that leading to us breaking up or something. Neither of us wants to be hurt by the other and I guess past experiences with other people has shown that happens even in the best of circumstances. We have agreed for the most part for now about how things should be and we seem to be on the same page as each other on the rule of "don't expect me to do or not do something you yourself do or do not do." We had one incident at a bar in London where I went to the restroom and when I came back he accused me of having sex with some guy I didn't even notice, we were drinking quite a bit though and I know he can't handle it as well as I do but it was a serious issue for me because I had no freaking idea what he was talking about and/or if was just an excuse to have an argument. Stuff like that really just puts doubts into my mind though because I don't do that sort of thing ever and I don't want to be with someone who blatantly accuses me of stuff like that out of the blue. The sexcapades thing leading to a visit to a clinic is another concern of us both, and it sort of goes with the territory to some degree but for me it is a bit of a detterant from being active. I don't want to do anything that causes that, even though it may be inevitable, and I sincerely think he is the same but sometimes I really don't know for sure. In the end we think things will go well, its just a matter of keeping the drama at bay and having reasonable communication, I think.

[einathens]

perhaps you should revisit the idea of bring a couple who lives together. you might both be better off if you're just best fuckbuddies who live seperately and share adventures from time to time.

[neg4poz]

relationships: -he who loves deepest is at a disadvantage...

but you are never at a disadvantage if you are ALWAYS upfront and candid about your feelings - communication is the key - talk about it - the chips will land where ever they may - its not going to change the outcome - but without the communication it is doomed...

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

I have to agree with that and the other comments below. There is a learning curve for sure and while I tend to be the less jealous one I admit that I sometimes have those feelings, but I just seem to be less affected by them than he is sometimes. Our biggest problems aren't real jealousy though but a sort of fear he has about me doing stuff with other people and that leading to us breaking up or something. Neither of us wants to be hurt by the other and I guess past experiences with other people has shown that happens even in the best of circumstances. We have agreed for the most part for now about how things should be and we seem to be on the same page as each other on the rule of "don't expect me to do or not do something you yourself do or do not do." We had one incident at a bar in London where I went to the restroom and when I came back he accused me of having sex with some guy I didn't even notice, we were drinking quite a bit though and I know he can't handle it as well as I do but it was a serious issue for me because I had no freaking idea what he was talking about and/or if was just an excuse to have an argument. Stuff like that really just puts doubts into my mind though because I don't do that sort of thing ever and I don't want to be with someone who blatantly accuses me of stuff like that out of the blue. The sexcapades thing leading to a visit to a clinic is another concern of us both, and it sort of goes with the territory to some degree but for me it is a bit of a detterant from being active. I don't want to do anything that causes that, even though it may be inevitable, and I sincerely think he is the same but sometimes I really don't know for sure. In the end we think things will go well, its just a matter of keeping the drama at bay and having reasonable communication, I think.

Better to develop a regular habit of going to a local STD clinic. They will know you, and you them. Ais easier to make regular testing a habit. And when the occasional nasty show up, you can deal with it before it gets out of hand...

[AversiveSublime]

Yeah, and then this happened. We were having a perfectly normal chat while he was on his way to come to visit me and then we were off to Orlando for the 4th and then Germany to find an apartment together after that. Suffice it to say THAT won't be happening as I told him to rightly FUCK OFF. No one talks to me that way. Not when i have been 100% open and honest with him and he has been exposed as a liar more than three times! There was no need for the tone or the threat and he thinks he can be an arrogant prick to anyone he wants. BigDick4you learned the hard way that just as there is a "real him" there is a "real me" too and she is 100% meaner and cold than his inner bitch can be. His iPad was remotely erased after he ignored my repeated "warnings" to cease his texting me. Thank you everyone for you responses, while they did not ultimately make a difference in this case it is good to see that I am not alone in my philosophy of openness and communication. It gives me some hope that maybe the next guy I try to build a life with will be honorable and worthy. Happy 4th of July to you all (that are celebrating) and have a great summer.

[AversiveSublime]

Oh, and while he is pulling this shit on me and we WERE on the verge of moving in together MY father is practically on his death bed in the hospital! Some supportive wonderful boyfriend this piece of shit turned out to be!

[fillmyholeftl]

IMHO... and from my experience... it DID'T work. Was in a LTR, of 26 years, (yea we were both children!) which ended about year & half ago. After about 10 yrs in, we did a number of threesomes. Always ended if the third took a liking to either one of us. When he began to travel more for work, we "opened" things up.. and set ground rules. The rules work for a period of time, then.. MEN ARE DOGS, and as many have said, the rules begin to get stretched & misunderstood. We would be at parties &/or other venues together towards the "end" where I caught him exchanging numbers...One time, we stopped at a 24 hour diner after a party & the guy who was fucking him for an hour in the sling called while we were eating !! The bastard took the call... that was the beginning of the end. Right now I am HAPPILY Single, enjoying the vast array of men & being more of a pig than I have in years !! IF (and that's a BIG IF) I were to get into a relationship, I think I would make it monogamous. maybe that's why I am not looking for that in my life. Good Luck.

[PhoenixGeoff]

Open means open. Do whatever you want with your body. Whatever you want.

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with this. Open only means non-monogamous in some way. The partners must discuss what the ground rules will be. I've known partners who only play together. I've known partners who bareback each other but only play with condoms outside the relationship. I've known partners who reserve certain sex acts for each other. Some open relationships are symmetrical (same rules for both) some aren't; I've known relationships where the top loves whoring the bottom out but won't touch another guy himself.

Which means that the ground rules have to be negotiated.

And here's where many submissive guys run into problems, because, while they may like the idea of another man taking charge, it doesn't mean they don't have their own ideas for what they like to do. But they'll often allow the other guy to dictate the ground rules because of their submissive nature. So you've got to be a bit more assertive and talk more openly about what you want from the relationship. I'd always start from the assumption that the same rules will apply to both partners, and then modify things from there.

I get distracted and being larger than average guys tend to have a hard time taking it and letting me ram how I need to get off.

Some suggestions on this (and I sympathize because I'm a bit bigger than average and a fairly aggressive top myself and have sometimes run into guys who can't take it).

• Look for slutty bottoms. Practice, after all, makes perfect. I can always tell when I'm fucking a guy who's taken a lot of cock...his ass opens right up and he can usually take a real good hard pounding. In fact, most bottom sluts I know (and I count myself among them) prefer it that way.
  
• The idea of tag-teaming with your partner might actually be a good one. Let him go first and tear up the bottom's hole and lube it up with some cum. As a bonus, you get to watch some hot live-action porn while you're getting your cock sucked so you should be raring to go when it's your turn. By then, that bottom should be ready for whatever you can throw at him.
  
• Try a few anonymous fucks. As in sticking your cock through a glory hole and having the guy on the other side back on to you after sucking you hard. That may be easier for you to deal with. You can incorporate this kind of thing into a three-way with your bf (he can blindfold the bottom before you come into the room maybe)
  
• On the other hand, you may be the type who's more comfortable having sex with someone you know. So maybe run through the list of acquaintances you know from the bar who you're attracted to and go from there. (Warning: this can cause issues in open relationships...lots of partners are fine with you fucking some random stranger but might feel threatened if you're having sex with friends, especially if it happens more than once...tread carefully)
  
• If you're worried about performance (and there's not a top out there who doesn't get performance anxiety from time to time) then you can always go the viagra route.
  
• Alternatively, foreplay is definitely your friend. Suck some cock, get blown yourself, have your bf fuck you a bit (this always gets me hard as a rock), hell, get into a flogging scene at the local leather bar if that floats your boat. There's no need to jump into fucking until you're good and ready.
  
• And, in fact, there's absolutely nothing whatsoever that says you have to fuck the bottom in order to be the top. Plenty of guys are perfectly happy getting their cock sucked (or face-fucking the bottom, if you want things more aggressive). And beyond oral, there are tons of kinks that will allow you to explore your top/dom/aggressive side, from water sports to fisting to BD/SM. Remember, your main sexual organ is your brain, and the only limit you have is your imagination.
  
• Finally (and this is something bottoms moving into versatility sometimes struggle with), you need to accept that sometimes Mr. Happy just ain't going to cooperate. Here's an example of it happening to me. Maybe you're tired (that was the culprit in my case, I'd been up since 3 AM the night before to make a delivery in the Bronx, then spent much of the afternoon sight-seeing in Manhattan). Maybe you're not that into the guy. Maybe you just shot a load a couple hours ago and haven't recovered yet. Or maybe it's just some random bullshit. Who knows? Doesn't matter...it happens to EVERYONE from time to time, and only gets worse as you age. That's just part of being on top. Accept it, deal with it, move on and fuck the next bottom tomorrow.
  

Of course he will fuck me when we are together but I don't know how I will be able to handle it when we live together. I don't know if its diet or what but something I just have like sharp pains down there and stuff, something isn't right at times. Could be a prostate thing or something else though, something I know I should check out but well I dunno, its awkward to ask my DR that because I am on state health care and they aren't the most receptive to requests.

First off, if you're feeling these pains and he wants to have sex, then he damn well better understand that he either needs to go off and find someone else to fuck or jack off or something. He should never be pressuring you into having sex if you're not in the mood, and that goes double for if you're in pain.

There are several things that can go wrong with your GI tract that could cause pain or discomfort. Fortunately, most are pretty minor. A lot is caused by diet. Basically, constipation is caused by too much meat and dairy. Gas and loose stools can be caused by eating a lot of fiber (especially if you've just added it). Probiotics (basically, any cultured foods, yogurts, non-cooked salamis, home-made pickles, etc.) help keep things balanced. You might also have a food allergy you're not aware of. If problems persist, then go to your doctor and demand further testing for things like ulcers, cancer, etc. Those things are MUCH less likely but only get worse without treatment so detecting them sooner rather than later is best.

You need to communicate and be assertive with your doctor. It doesn't matter if it's you, the state or insurance paying the bill; he's being paid to treat you and needs to do whatever is medically appropriate, which means listening to your complaints and responding appropriately. And then you have to take charge of your own health and follow through on his or her recommendations and complete all follow-up care. If the doctor isn't listening to you, then find someone who will. Complain loudly (squeaky wheels and all that). Take it to a superior. Whatever you have to do. This is your health at stake here. If, Dog forbid, it is something serious, you don't want to be stuck in a worse situation because you were too timid to push the issue.

If the pain only occurs during sex, it's possible that the size and shape of your bf's cock may be the issue here. I've had guys fuck me whose cocks just hit exactly the wrong place inside me. It was intensely uncomfortable. And it doesn't always happen with guys with long cocks...I've had it happen with someone who was less than 6" before, just had exactly the wrong shape for me. Fortunately, the fix is easy: change positions. Typically, if I have trouble of this kind, it happens when I'm on my back with my legs in the air. As simple a change as hanging my ass over the side of the bed and having the top stand up instead of on his knees on the bed can fix it. Or flip over. Or get on your side or swing from the chandeliers.

Or fuck him. Personally, I always like seeing a top get a taste of his own medicine. Problem is, he may like it too much....

[PhoenixGeoff]

After about 10 yrs in, we did a number of threesomes. Always ended if the third took a liking to either one of us.

This is the problem with three-ways. They are inherently unstable, with a tendency for two of the guys to pair up and the third to be left out. As the third is usually one of the couple, that can cause problems.

They can work, but only under two circumstances, in my experience:

First, two tops and a bottom works best, especially with a piggy bottom. The tops can take turns tag-teaming, spit-roasting and double fucking the bottom. Ideally, both partners will top the third, bottom guy they've invited over, but it can also work with a top/bottom couple, IF the third guy is a real top (sometimes guys lie on the Internet...imagine that!)

Second, if the third guy is genuinely attracted to both partners equally, that can work too. But it can be hard on the third guy. With many of the hookups I've had with couples, I've spent a lot of time worrying about whether I'm dividing my time between them evenly and not leaving anyone out, meaning I probably had less fun myself than I might have otherwise. But three totally versatile guys can work out.

What's most likely to fail? Both partners want to bottom for a third top. Assuming the third guy turns out to be a top in reality, he's very likely to end up spending more time fucking one guy than another. And then there's the question of who gets the load. In this case, you're much better off trying to set up a larger group where everyone has the chance to end up with someone. Or just go to a bathhouse.

The rules work for a period of time, then.. MEN ARE DOGS, and as many have said, the rules begin to get stretched & misunderstood.

This is where the communication and forgiveness part comes in. I like the rule that you have to tell the partner about whoever you have sex with. If it seems like the rules are getting stretched or broken, then you can step in and fix things early on, before they get out of hand. Renegotiate the rules, alter the setup with the fuckbuds (maybe you have sex while the bf watches?), whatever. But communication is a big part of things.

One thing that helps is if both partners have the right attitude towards sex outside of the relationship. If one or both are the jealous type, then forget it. They'll feel like they're being forced into an open relationship they don't want. They'll resent the other partner fucking around, even if they're getting some too. Not all men are open relationship material!

Then, there are guys who get off on the idea of cheating and fucking around behind your partner's back. I'll admit, I get turned on by this myself...I love the idea of having sex with someone I'm not supposed to and getting away with it (probably goes back to enjoying my first sex with other men done on the DL). You need a really special partner who understands and trusts you for that. Or who is a similar kind of pig himself. But that can be really hard to make the trust thing work.

Another problem that can arise is when one partner is getting more play than the other (maybe he's physically hotter, maybe he's got lower standards, maybe he's got a higher sex drive). That can drive resentment too. It helps if both partners are on a roughly equal footing.

After years of experience of all kinds of relationships, I find the best recipe for an open one is when both partners are sex pigs, on that equal footing, and both really get off on the idea of their partner fucking around. I've got a fantasy where I catch my partner in the act of cheating, and just watch quietly for a bit stroking before either one notices me, then I join in....

Right now I am HAPPILY Single, enjoying the vast array of men & being more of a pig than I have in years !! IF (and that's a BIG IF) I were to get into a relationship, I think I would make it monogamous.

Being single is great, for just that reason (unless you get off on the cheating thing). On the other hand, as the whole marriage debate shows, there are a ton of material benefits to being in a stable, long term relationship (monogamous or otherwise). The household economics is just so much simpler. And then, there's the problem of aging too...someone's gotta be there who's willing to look after you after those sexual flames get banked down a bit. There are tradeoffs no matter which way you look.

[emb]

The op was involved In a relationship with another member of this forum ( bigdickforyou) that had many long running, public, and very annoying problems. Now he's involved in another relationship that is having very similar issues that he's once again making very public. A number of statements in his posts for example talking about how cold and mean his ' inner bitch' is, and just the overall tone of his posts make me think he's a very difficult person to deal with, and I suspect this isn't the last relationship problem we see him bring up

[emb]

Oh and masc mount man, while your advice is usually sound , as it on fact is in this case, I tho k your wasting your breath. The op isn't likely to gain any insight from it unfortunately.

[einathens]

i'm hoping that this couple is no longer together and that this thread will end.

just in case it doesn't, i'm unsubscribing.

[bigdick4you]

i'm hoping that this couple is no longer together and that this thread will end.

just in case it doesn't, i'm unsubscribing.

Sometimes things r not black an white.... I care very much for this man and feel responsible for him...I admit that sometimes we may have come across immature but in the end it's for us to decide if we stay together or not.... U can have ur opinion but please respect that I'm totally committed to this man and we were finally on right track... Till I messed it up with stupid remark and my arrogance.... Just hope he will find it in his heart to forgive me for saying something stupid that I absolutely did not mean....

[bigdick4you]

Oh, and while he is pulling this shit on me and we WERE on the verge of moving in together MY father is practically on his death bed in the hospital! Some supportive wonderful boyfriend this piece of shit turned out to be!

U know I always cared about ur father and still do... Would have loved to have met him and reassure him that I would take care of u.... I'm still totally committed to u and us! Don't let a stupid remark stand in our way... U know the real me.... I'm dedicated and totally committed to u.... I love u for gods sake!

[PhoenixGeoff]

Best to take this discussion to a more private forum, hm?