It Takes Two To Tango

[cumluvnbottom]

Had a situation a couple weeks ago that has been bothering me so kind of talking through it here.

Was traveling to visit family but on my last night I was able to get away to hook up with a guy off Grindr.

My Grindr profile lists (in three places) that I'm POZ / undetectable. So before we met up this guy and I were chatting and I'm sure he said he had read my profile (but, this was Grindr, there is always a chance that was a different chat that didn't pan out). I don't remember saying I'm positive in the chat (but may have done because I usually do).

While we were chatting we exchanged pics. One of the pics I sent was of me getting fucked bare. He picked up on it and said he liked bareback also.

So I got to his place, not much chatting... just right to me sucking him. Once he's ready, we adjourn to the bedroom and he fucks me. No discussion about condoms or status. He gets off and we start getting dressed.

And then he says: "I'm clean. You are too, right?"

I mention that (as my profile says) I am positive but undetectable. He gets upset and says I should have told him before we had sex. I reply that I thought he knew since it is spelled out in my profile. He kept saying I should have said something.

I explain that, since I'm undetectable and was only bottom in our encounter, there is really very very low risk. .. And that he could have asked since he knew I barebacked before. Eventually I decided to just leave. Once back to my car, I blocked him on Grindr (at that point I was worried that he might try to cause trouble). This meant that I lost a record of our chat.

Since that night, it has been bugging me. He was right... I should have said verbally that I'm positive. But I also think he had responsibility here as well. He should have asked. He knew I barebacked but didn't ask (until we were done) and didn't mention or offer a condom. As my mother would say, it takes two to tango.

Or am I just rationalising my behaviour?

Edited October 19, 2015 by cumluvnbottom

[fillmyholeftl]

Your mother is right, IMHO... I, like you have "poz/undetectable" in all profiles.  Tho it usually comes up in a chat, I think that's disclosure.  Don't loose sleep over it.

[cumluvnbottom]

Thanks for the feedback. It's really been bugging me since he was so upset.

Sometimes the level of ignorance, wilful or otherwise, in the gay community about HIV can get real frustrating. From guys like this who bareback absolutely convinced they will never get exposed ... to guys who just don't have any knowledge. Because I have my status in my profiles, sometimes I get asked all sorts of crazy questions. From guys who don't know what undetectable means to those who ask various questions about the very basics of transmission.

It's troubling in the gay "community" at large but even crazier when someone who is into barebacking doesn't understand the basics. I do try to cut them some slack. I remember 10 years ago before I was diagnosed I was in a state of wilful ignorance as well

Edited October 19, 2015 by cumluvnbottom

[topstud127]

I hate when guys don't read the profiles. Hell, thats my favorite part about Scruff. Maybe you should've clarified, he definitely should've read. Or somewhat assume bb bottoms are likely to be. You're undetectable and bottomed, nothing to worry about

[not_sure_bb]

not your problem, dont lose sleep over it. 

[seaguy]

You had it in your profile and it is there to inform others who are interested in you if they choose to not read what is right in front of them then they only have themselves to blame.

[jeff238]

Totally agree with the above comments. He was obviously too lazy to read your profile, as so many are. I find an amazing number of people that refuse to read a profile, then ask questions that are already answered there. Almost worse is people that don't put any useful info in their profile, making others ask the same questions over and over, then just giving one word answers. It really pisses me off when someone who I clearly state in my profile I'm not interested in, messages me with some cryptic or unintelligible greeting.

To be honest, the whole on-line thing is getting very frustrating, to the point that I don't even bother any more...

[wood]

I mention that (as my profile says) I am positive but undetectable. He gets upset and says I should have told him before we had sex. I reply that I thought he knew since it is spelled out in my profile. He kept saying I should have said something.

I explain that, since I'm undetectable and was only bottom in our encounter, there is really very very low risk. .. And that he could have asked since he knew I barebacked before. Eventually I decided to just leave. Once back to my car, I blocked him on Grindr (at that point I was worried that he might try to cause trouble). This meant that I lost a record of our chat.

Since that night, it has been bugging me. He was right... I should have said verbally that I'm positive. But I also think he had responsibility here as well. He should have asked. He knew I barebacked but didn't ask (until we were done) and didn't mention or offer a condom. As my mother would say, it takes two to tango.

Or am I just rationalising my behaviour?

Please, you did nothing wrong, and there is no way that when you have a public profile stating your status that a persona can say they had no idea about your status.

 

Move on and dont think twice about it

 

Even from the most conservative state law, there would be no grounds for you to get in trouble.    

[cumluvnbottom]

Almost worse is people that don't put any useful info in their profile, making others ask the same questions over and over, then just giving one word answers.

Jeff, I agree. That is very frustrating as well. <lol> See this a lot. Guys who don't give much info about themselves or what "type" of guys they are interested in... But then are rude if you contact them and are not up to their standards.

Anyway, thanks all for the feedback.