relationship Poll of relationships between total tops or total bottoms

[Guest pigchaser]

Poll to determine whether it is possible for two total tops or two total bottoms to be in a long term closed relationship?

[NLbear]

I don't think a closed relationship is possible between two total tops or two total bottoms. Who doesn't want sex with his bf? Unless you have a zero sex drive and can do without.

A relationship is very well possible -I think- but the relationship would need to be open so you get your sexual satisfaction somewhere else with mutual agreement.

But who knows? Maybe such couples do exist? Would love to hear about it.

[ErosWired]

Closed relationships - I assume you mean faithful monogamy - between actually total Tops or actually total bottoms? What you’re describing is mutually agreed celibacy. It’s hard to imagine that becoming the successful basis for a relationship in any but the most unusual of circumstances, and require an extraordinary sort of bond between two men based on factors unrelated to physical attraction. The only way your poll won’t be heavily weighted is if men who are actually vers to any degree incorrectly claim to be “total” Tops or bottoms. 

[Guest pigchaser]

8 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

Closed relationships - I assume you mean faithful monogamy - between actually total Tops or actually total bottoms? What you’re describing is mutually agreed celibacy. It’s hard to imagine that becoming the successful basis for a relationship in any but the most unusual of circumstances, and require an extraordinary sort of bond between two men based on factors unrelated to physical attraction. The only way your poll won’t be heavily weighted is if men who are actually vers to any degree incorrectly claim to be “total” Tops or bottoms. 

Thanks for the reply @eroswired.  There is no right or wrong answers, it is a poll of opinions.  From your reply, I'm thinking that you will be voting "no" in this poll?

[tallslenderguy]

i answered "no, would have to be open."  Having said that, anythings pretty much possible, but i don't think it is sustainable in a healthy way for two sexually incompatible guys to try to force a closed relationship?  Why not just become a monk and join a monastery? 

[Sunovabesh]

I want to have the option of saying "yes" to both. I've met tops who maintained the relationship through fucking each other's mouths, and bottoms switching up the roles of who the Dom is with dildos. And yes, they're in their 40's who have been with each other for decades. I say, regardless of the relationship, if you love the person so much, anything is possible. 

[travelingbi]

Most of the relationships that I've known that are both tops or both bottoms have either been open relationships or the partners cheat. 
Many gay and str8 sexual part of their relationships die over the long term. While the love, affection and commitment to the relationship even without sex can exist, they normally do need to seek sexual fulfillment outside of that primary relationship. One thing I think same sex relationships have an advantage over traditional straight m/f relationships is that same sex couples are more free to self-define their relationships. There's no society rules about monogamy like str8 married couples feel the pressure to adhere to. Also, since so many same sex couples don't have children, there's not that concern as well. 

[tallslenderguy]

17 hours ago, Sunovabesh said:

I want to have the option of saying "yes" to both. I've met tops who maintained the relationship through fucking each other's mouths, and bottoms switching up the roles of who the Dom is with dildos. And yes, they're in their 40's who have been with each other for decades. I say, regardless of the relationship, if you love the person so much, anything is possible. 

So to me you sound versatile or top versatile?  I’m Not sure there’s a right or wrong answer to this question? There are many here who identify as “Total Top” or “total bottom”, throw in stuff like “Dom” and “sub” and it gets more complex.  I don’t doubt there are guys who are compatible in other areas and are willing to make the sex trade off, but I think what often qualifies as ‘love’ is often codependent or quid pro quo.  

[ErosWired]

11 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

 I don’t doubt there are guys who are compatible in other areas and are willing to make the sex trade off, but I think what often qualifies as ‘love’ is often codependent or quid pro quo

I think that’s probably an astute assessment.

[Sunovabesh]

On 8/10/2019 at 11:15 AM, tallslenderguy said:

So to me you sound versatile or top versatile?  I’m Not sure there’s a right or wrong answer to this question? There are many here who identify as “Total Top” or “total bottom”, throw in stuff like “Dom” and “sub” and it gets more complex.  I don’t doubt there are guys who are compatible in other areas and are willing to make the sex trade off, but I think what often qualifies as ‘love’ is often codependent or quid pro quo.  

I am top versatile, but, I'm not into being a bottom, so much as I don't mind sucking a dick (Sucking is so much easier than trying to bottom - depending on the dick). 

I feel as though that if a Total Top fell in love with another Total Top, they may in most cases be open. However, I've seen men who take on the "Total Top" montra and sucked each other off. Being in a committed relationship, I think that really depends on the personal fallies of the partners. 

For example, while I may not be a "Total Top," I would be happy being the top. And even though I don't care for bottoming at all, if someone I loved said he wanted to bury his bone in my backyard, then I'm getting in doggy for him (Mind you, this would occur every Blue Moon, due to me just not being into bottoming (at least at the time of this statement - y'a never know)). But, that's from my experience. And you could throw away my earlier statement, due to forgetting to leave out that the 2 Tops wanting to "experiment" with a young biracial guy sucking them both off. Needless to say, I was told by both of them, I was better than the other. (Hey, I made a guy with ED blow a load, can you blame them?)

While I do agree that in most cases "Total (Blank)'s" being with another "Total (Blank with the same title)" will probably do an Open Relationship/Swinger-like lifestyle, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

But, I do think monogamy it is possible to some degree. Some people live as tops and eventually become bottoms. Some bottoms live as sub-bitch-bottoms and eventually become top doms. Reasons ranging from new kinks, lifestyles and changes always can come into play. So, if a "Total Top" Dom can become a "total bitch bottom" from experiencing BBC, then why can't a "Total Top" not wanna suck off his hubby's (the guys he truly loves) cock?

Now, the identity of being a "Total Top" and a "total bottom" can have it's own spectrum. After all, I believe most bottoms groan when their "total tops" show up wanting to try on a cock themselves, rather than serve their own. Or how many Tops get irritated that their "sub bottoms" demand a blow job. So, the authenticity of being a "Total Top"/"total bottom" can always be questionable, but for the authentics out there, them dating one another may lead to Swinging, or being monogamous. It all depends on the circumstance, and the dynamic at need.  

[tallslenderguy]

19 hours ago, Sunovabesh said:

I am top versatile, but, I'm not into being a bottom, so much as I don't mind sucking a dick (Sucking is so much easier than trying to bottom - depending on the dick). 

I feel as though that if a Total Top fell in love with another Total Top, they may in most cases be open. However, I've seen men who take on the "Total Top" montra and sucked each other off. Being in a committed relationship, I think that really depends on the personal fallies of the partners. 

For example, while I may not be a "Total Top," I would be happy being the top. And even though I don't care for bottoming at all, if someone I loved said he wanted to bury his bone in my backyard, then I'm getting in doggy for him (Mind you, this would occur every Blue Moon, due to me just not being into bottoming (at least at the time of this statement - y'a never know)). But, that's from my experience. And you could throw away my earlier statement, due to forgetting to leave out that the 2 Tops wanting to "experiment" with a young biracial guy sucking them both off. Needless to say, I was told by both of them, I was better than the other. (Hey, I made a guy with ED blow a load, can you blame them?)

While I do agree that in most cases "Total (Blank)'s" being with another "Total (Blank with the same title)" will probably do an Open Relationship/Swinger-like lifestyle, and there is nothing wrong with that. 

But, I do think monogamy it is possible to some degree. Some people live as tops and eventually become bottoms. Some bottoms live as sub-bitch-bottoms and eventually become top doms. Reasons ranging from new kinks, lifestyles and changes always can come into play. So, if a "Total Top" Dom can become a "total bitch bottom" from experiencing BBC, then why can't a "Total Top" not wanna suck off his hubby's (the guys he truly loves) cock?

Now, the identity of being a "Total Top" and a "total bottom" can have it's own spectrum. After all, I believe most bottoms groan when their "total tops" show up wanting to try on a cock themselves, rather than serve their own. Or how many Tops get irritated that their "sub bottoms" demand a blow job. So, the authenticity of being a "Total Top"/"total bottom" can always be questionable, but for the authentics out there, them dating one another may lead to Swinging, or being monogamous. It all depends on the circumstance, and the dynamic at need.  

It's complicated, eh? It's probably impossible to answer the question as black and white in a world of infinite variation? i really appreciate that pigchaser asked the question though, and that we are discussing the topic on BZ. i think there are some golden discussions in this community, that there are a lot of thoughtful and intelligent guys here (as demonstrated in your post), and i count myself rich to be a part of this community.  i think we (LGBTQ people) have often unconsciously  internalized heteronormative notions and standards and i think discussions like this can expose that and help us have a fresh (our own) perspective. 

i think You are so right, people change (e.g., Tops become bottoms and vice versa, etc). Our personalities, as well as our sexuality seems fluid? i've restored a few historic houses and one of the things i've noticed in very old houses is the glass in the windows is thicker at the bottom than at the top. Glass is fluid, but it moves so slowly that it may take 100 years to notice a change from casual observation.  Point being, some of our fluidity moves so slowly it seems to not move at all in a lifetime, some so fast, it seems enough for a dozen life times lol. We change in one way, not another, or multiple ways at once... infinite possibilities. 

i generally present as "total bottom" with a decided sub streak.  i definitely don't fit everyone's idea of "sub,' i definitely do appeal to certain kinds of Dom's.  When it comes to hook up, that's a lot easier because it's not a 'permanent', or ongoing, relationship, so compromise is pretty easy.  In an ongoing relationship, i think compromise wears away at the bonds that are there, holding the relationship together, so it makes sense to me to try and identify ways to strengthen and maintain a relationship when the goal is ltr. 

i'm not opposed to monogamy, i think it can have advantages. Not opposed to open, i think it too can have advantages. Poly people have an interesting take on that (thinking of their efforts to commit to multiple partners).  

i see myself as pretty self aware. i also  usually know how to articulate what i see fairly well. For me, one of the biggest impediments i've encountered when it comes to ltr is not "Top/bottom"  so much as it is finding guys who understand  and can articulate who and how they are beyond a simple label.  While i identify as "bottom/sub" as my identifier, surface label, the contents are a lot more complex and require unpacking to get an accurate understanding of the ingredients. i think that's true about everyone, but finding guys who get that and want to explore each other together (i.e., "relationship"). It does make sense to me to surface (label) qualify initially, though that is not fool proof as you observe and note.  While i identify that emotionally and mentally, i am "bottom/sub,"  i also have this thing about me where a guys ass is visually my favorite part of the male anatomy.  For instance, looking at Your drop dead gorgeous ass fills me with lust and simultaneously makes me weak lol. And the "lust" i am filled with is not the "i wanna fuck it" type. Though i could honestly see my lust being manipulated that way, it wouldn't be a simple process (i've been 'Dommed' into penetrating guys, but it uses my sub nature). For example, the prospect of me inserting my penis into a guy does not stimulate an erection, but guys talking about breeding me can make me hard as a rock. Go figure? 

Those are just some details associated with Top/bottom, Dom/sub relationship that i personally see. Of course, there are as many "details" as there are guys and combinations of guys, so narrowing the details of the foundation (i.e., identifying general sexual compatibility) on which we might attempt to build ltr makes sense to me.

[tighthole64]

I started a relationship recently with a guy who said he was vers, and Im pretty much a total bottom.  He said he would 'train me" to be a top, and I have seeded him more than he has seeded me.  We did however agree to be open, but would let the other know when we played with others.  I suspected he was cheating on me while I was at work, and two guys I chatted with online confirmed that.

One guy realized who I was and actually said, "I hope you are a better fuck than your boyfriend!" When I asked him when they fucked he said earlier in the week while I was at work.  I asked him questions that only someone who had been to my place would know.  He then invited me to his place, and fucked my brains out!  After he blew his load in me, he said that I was indeed a better bottom, as my bf just laid there while getting fuckt.  And hes right!  I always figured he was that way with me as I usually dont top.  The top said he wants to breed me again, and he WONT say anything to the bf about it.  Who am I to say no to a nice 8+ uncut cock?  LOL  Its hard to find a time when Im free and he can host, but we have met one more time so far.  Even if he did tell the bf, not really much he could say about it.

The second guy actually sent me a pic of him breeding my bf, and asked, "Is this your bf?"  I just lied and said, "no my bf is black." LOL  There was nothing even remotely hot about this second guy.  Im not packing, but my cock was bigger than his.  Now Im not in the best of shape, but he had to be close to 300 pounds.

Needless to say, whats good for the goose, is good for the gander.  I thought about confronting the bf about it, but decided not to.  We still play with others at a bathhouse, and have had a couple of 3 ways at the house.  Its still HOT to see him taking another guys cock, and him seeing someone else breed me.  The BEST part about our 3 ways, is that Im usually the one that gets the load up my ass.  I am nice though and let him clean the tops cock. Well KINDA nice as hes not fond of sucking a cock after breeding! LOL

 

[atlfukbud]

Ran across this research a while back and found it interesting. I personally don't know any healthy, sexually active  man (gay or str8) who isn't open or cheats beyond 8 maximum years of monogamy >The Monogamy Gap shows how, after the intense and passionate sex of the early relationship fades, cheating functions to keep monogamous couples together. Thus, Professor Anderson finds that men cheat not because they fail to love their partners, but in order to satisfy their sexual desires without desiring to disrupt their emotional relationship. Rather than break up with their lovers so they can have meaningless erotic sex, men cheat as a rational solution to the irrational expectations of monogamy. However, these men still want the cultural capital given to monogamous relationships, and they therefore find themselves living with competing emotional and sexual desires: wanting monogamy, but also wanting recreational sex https://www.oxfordscholarship.com/view/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199777921.001.0001/acprof-9780199777921

 

[travelingbi]

This discussion brought to mind two different couples that I have been fuck buddies with over the years. 
In both situations, both guys were total tops. They are very committed to each other in their relationships. But they would bring me in as a bottom for both of them to share and tag. My relationship with both couples was purely sexual.  The first couple that I had this relationship with would both play with me together and take turns tag fucking my asss. The other couple would play with me separately. Their "rule" was that they both had to be there. But the older of the two guys would take me to the bedroom and fuck me. Then when he had cum, his husband would come into the bedroom and fuck me. Even though their rule was that they both had to be there, the older one did invite me over once when his husband was out of town. Though he made me vow to not say anything about it to his husband. lol 

 

[travelingbi]

44 minutes ago, atlfukbud said:

Ran across this research a while back and found it interesting. I personally don't know any healthy, sexually active  man (gay or str8) who isn't open or cheats beyond 8 maximum years of monogamy >The Monogamy Gap shows how, after the intense and passionate sex of the early relationship fades, cheating functions to keep monogamous couples together. Thus, Professor Anderson finds that men cheat not because they fail to love their partners, but in order to satisfy their sexual desires without desiring to disrupt their emotional relationship. Rather than break up with their lovers so they can have meaningless erotic sex, men cheat as a rational solution to the irrational expectations of monogamy. However, these men still want the cultural capital given to monogamous relationships, and they therefore find themselves living with competing emotional and sexual desires: wanting monogamy, but also wanting recreational sex https://www.oxfordscholarship.com/view/10.1093/acprof:oso/9780199777921.001.0001/acprof-9780199777921

 

This sounds completely logical to me. I find this is the case in my marriage. I'm completely happy in all aspects of my relationship with the exception of the lack of sex. So, I satisfy my sexual needs outside of my marriage relationship. It works for me.