Many topics have been talked in this discussions, many points of view, all interesting, don't know if I manage to cover them all!
- gifting/chasing fantasies: many reasons for them, and each one makes sense for the person living it! But it's essential to understand where you want your life to go! I said it several times here: FANTASY is a thing, DESIRE is another.
What I think is that a good sex education is essential to allow youngest people to understand what they really want! Now science (meds and PrEP) and technology (sites, forums, instant messengers) can allow us to keep our fantasies alive, even the darkest, without harming ourselves or others.
- judgments: all of us are somehow judgmental towards ourselves or others, because we're unfortunately grown up in a somehow judgmental culture. And your way to manage judgments depends on how sure you are about yourself! Not everything can be told to everyone!
- stigma and self-stigma: yes, everyone lives it in their own way. I was full of self-stigma due to the fact I decided to forgive my cheating ex, unaware that the damage was just matter of time. It's him who brought HIV home, it was me to feel guilty because I let him "enter my door again" in all senses of the word. That is, "you are gay and deserve HIV no matter if you were faithful". "You deserve no longer to have sex because you have those nasty gifting fantasies and you are a danger."
As someone already said, status coming-out is a no-turning-back journey and my own experience has always been "say it when you're ready".
Being "ready" means having trusted people to count on, being psychologically prepared to the idea of a potential rejection not only in sex life but also possible in friendships and partners.
I was independent, earnt my own money when I revealed it to my biological father, I didn't expect any other reaction than the one he had, that is cutting every contact with me. But it was mutual, I can't change my DNA but he's never deserved me to consider him "dad". Sperm donor is appropriate.
So, having the support of my mother and her second husband, my twin sister and my then best friend now boyfriend, I feel and felt strong to face everything, including unpolite behavior in front of healthcare-related people being ignorant on it! Did I say "RTFM" -read the fucking manual- to the dentist? Yes, I did. And told him "I've the money, you've the service. Judge yourself who's in control".
But strength grows with awareness and you can't face an asshole doctor/dentist if you feel stigmatized/marginalized yourself. For me HIV is no longer something to be ashamed of, it's been a long journey to achieve this awareness but I'm here and never fucking look back.
- chasers and regretting: for all of you mentioning dentist's face or stigma or rejection or whatever else to discourage chasers, I honestly don't find this strategy so effective.
It's not as in early 80s where people got stigmatized who knows why, now it's possible to know about stigma, meds, insurance issues where present, etc, they have PrEP in hands, and they choose the other path; everyone has their own reason, and, in some cases they also might feel they've nothing more to lose.
Many gay men (or even boys) have been rejected by family, by school, by friends, due to their orientation, someone could say "one more rejection means nothing". Or "too much anxiety and panic for std's, at least let me decide who and when".
I've even heard, HERE, someone saying "I'm almost at the end of my life, makes no sense to be still safe let me decide how to die at least".
- liking/embracing to be poz? Once you are, you can't reverse the situation so you can choose if living in regret or embrace your new life in a way or the other. I've had no possibility to decide about my own health, you could blame me for not having used condoms with my ex, aware that he was a serial cheater?
Find it yourself, how many time a monogamous partner uses condoms after having forgiven their love, for the cheat? Blame me for having had hope that it was the last and there were no consequences!
I don't "like" to be poz, I'm not proud of the virus itself. But I'm proud of the man I've become, of the awareness I've acquired with time and experience. If I only had possibility I'd have liked to stay neg, but it's useless to look back in anger. "Don't look back in anger" that's why it's my favorite song.
- would you like to eradicate HIV from the world? YES. Regardless of my fantasies, what I think, whatever. HIV and AIDS have been a stop to sex freedom in the whole world, many people fighting for gay right in the 70s are no longer here, AIDS has allowed the worst homophobia to come out, together with millions of victims and suffering it caused. Should I continue? Inappropriate, I think.
Last but not least, what I think about it all? Want to solve problems of people searching for HIV deliberately? First eradicate homophobia, serophobia, never make a person feel judged or marginalized, give everyone a reason to love and be loved.
Bye and sorry for the too long post.