Pre-sex hiv status discussion

[1slut]

What is your experience regarding discussion on hiv status prior to sex? Where this is not voluntered, eg bbrt, do you or your hookups tend to raise this?

I find that in anon situations such as saunas and public, this is NEVER raised. Hookups from recon never ask, from bbrt where status is 'ask me', they never ask, squirt sometimes ask.

[babyeddie71]

if they dont ask I dont tell. If the bottom ask me if I am into safe sex I say no I like it bare if they ask me too use a condom I do.

[hungry_hole]

I have no problem discussing HIV status. If the encounter is not in a sauna, gloryhole, dark room, outdoor anon, then I even prefer to discuss status. But you are right, no discussions in anon situations. Plus there is little point in discussing HIV status in anon situations because it is in these environments where most guys are likely to distort the truth, whether it's because they want to hide their status or just because it's all part of the sexual game.

I don't like the BBrt default for HIV status to be "Ask Me". A better default would be one that more accurately represents the frame of mind of a barebacker which is "Don't care".

[bearbandit]

I always say I'm poz in the text bit of a profile. Maybe lose out on some trade that way (and fuck knows Wales has a small enough population), but it's easier to check he read the whole profile rather than having "that" conversation, which even after all these years, I can't get used to, maybe because in the eighties you got so many negative reactions. Might be different if I lived in (or near) a city where there was an established poz scene, but Wales, no, we don't talk about that here, bach.

[1slut]

Thanks for the responses. Glad to know that my thoughts are in tune with some others.

Bearbandit's adding status in text bit is useful upfront, esp in bigger cities where being poz is not such a big deal. Also good safeguard against hiv crime.

[TigerMilner]

I agree with BearBandit that putting it profiles avoids having to have "that" conversation. I do the same. That way legally I am protected as well. I've only had one situation where a married man i hooked up with several times saw something online that referred to my status being positive and he confronted me and asked why I didn't tell him? I pulled my profile up and reminded him that my status was right there from the beginning even though we never discussed it. I found out he actually thought "undetectable" meant that you couldn't tell I was gay. But hey, his stupidity is not my responsibility.

[1slut]

Thanks for sharing that experience tigermilner.

Some years ago I meet a guy on recon with no disclosure on either sides nor discussion took place. Sex was meticulously safe, condom even for oral. I had no intention to meet up again, not because it was safe, but the meet was boring. Two days later he phoned to ask me if I was poz. Like tiger's experience, some people are very naive and inexperienced. Stating 'hiv undetectable' is more stupidity-proof...!

[seaguy]

I think the intention of the ask me choice was for those who are negative and willing to take a certain level of risk. But it really seems to be causing more confusion. I prefer that guys just list what their status is honestly that way there is not going to be any awkward moments hopefully when you hookup.

I don't like it when Dont Ask Don't Tell is listed as their HIV status. To me that means poz, or very likely because if they are not caring about asking or telling then they must not be getting tested. Soo that turns me off. With the realization that poz undetectable guys are safer than neg untested guys I would prefer someone be up front that they are undetectable cause I would rather hookup with them than some guy who doesn't care about his own health enought to get tested.

[fskn]

I'm on PrEP, with perfect adherence, so I don't ask anymore in 1-on-1 hookups. My status and my use of PrEP are disclosed in all of my profiles, and I'm happy to explain if asked.

No one I've met lately on BBRTS has asked for or volunteered status information in conversation, though most profiles seem to be filled out. "Ask me" where there might be doubt is pretty rare. If someone says he loves to get fucked in the sling at a Cummunion party, or that his record for taking loads is 10 in one day, the meaning of "ask me" becomes pretty clear.

On the apps for "good" boys, a few courageous men put "[+]" after their screen names. I don't blame those who don't, because as a Poz-friendly guy, I keep hearing stories from men who have been berated in those apps after disclosing.

Hornet and Scruff are the only mainstream apps I know of that provide specific places for disclosure. (iBBRTS is a mobile Web site, not an app., and in any case, it targets barebackers.) Hornet's "Know Your Status" (KYS) feature, and that app.'s demographic, effectively shut out Poz men. I've never seen a Hornet profile with Poz in the KYS field. Scruff has openly Poz guys. Curiously, when I added "Positive men" to my "into" list, the random view in Scruff started showing only Poz men, ignoring any other groups in my "into" list. :|

All in all, how we feel about safety seems to matter more than whether we are actually safe.

As a top, I find that bottoms in bathhouses and glory hole places don't ask, and that bottoms in 1-on-1 situations ask after we've started fucking without a condom, or even after I've cum inside them. (I admit that "fuck first, ask later" is a huge turn on, and that this line of questioning is liable to make me pick up the pace and cum inside, knowing of course that I do not put anyone at risk.)

Disclosure of status is a good thing, I think, but it's always been clumsy because few people understand the window period associated with HIV antibody tests. I'd swoon if a sex partner were knowledgeable enough to tell me that he'd just gotten a 4th-generation HIV antibody test (shorter window), or a qualitative PCR RNA viral load test (essentially no window).

People's not knowing what to do with a disclosure is another problem. "I'm Poz and undetectable as of..." entails less risk than "Of course I'm Neg."

[wood]

What is your experience regarding discussion on hiv status prior to sex? Where this is not voluntered, eg bbrt, do you or your hookups tend to raise this?

I find that in anon situations such as saunas and public, this is NEVER raised. Hookups from recon never ask, from bbrt where status is 'ask me', they never ask, squirt sometimes ask.

Some people just dont care. Simple as that. Personally I always ask, but I also dont hook up at sauna's, or in the park, etc. etc.

[SwineyTodd]

I am still surprised about the level of ignorance and/or lack of knowledge about hiv in the gay world. Just yesterday I had a pleasant encounter with an educated and well informed slut, and then later the same evening I was told by a guy (who insisted we use rubbers if we hooked up -I declined) he would have me reported if I "went around and spread hiv"! Told him that I was commiting no crime; disclosing and being +ud I am in the clear, whereas he on the other hand was not -threats like his are illegal and he could shove them up where the sun don't shine...🤬! I was instantly blocked! Alas, many guys still panic and run (or block) when they read +ud, being ignorant and severely uneducated. And worst is some of them have likely not got tested for a long while, despite probably being ass up and slutty in GC or LAB. Double standards are widespread, methinks!

[FelchingPisser]

On 3/23/2014 at 9:57 PM, TigerMilner said:

I found out he actually thought "undetectable" meant that you couldn't tell I was gay.

I missed this when it was first printed.  I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!

[RawUK]

On 3/24/2014 at 1:57 AM, TigerMilner said:

I found out he actually thought "undetectable" meant that you couldn't tell I was gay. 

 

26 minutes ago, FelchingPisser said:

I missed this when it was first printed.  I haven't laughed this hard in weeks!

 

Good grief! Lets hope 6 years after the original posting more guys realise what undetectable and U=U actually means. 

[Doccer19677]

On 3/24/2014 at 1:57 AM, TigerMilner said:

“I found out he actually thought "undetectable" meant that you couldn't tell I was gay.”

Very amusing indeed 😂

 

TBH in a sauna environment my default position is to fuck raw, unless the bottom tells me he is “safe only” at which point I politely get them to move on as there are always horny bottoms in dark rooms or in the sauna who are happy to take raw cock.
 

What I do find odd is when I see a bottoms arse Lubed up and on a fuck bench, in a sling, bent over a platform or in a dark room  then when I position  to fuck them  ie. I’m rubbing my cock around their slick hole they either tell me they only “play safe” or hand me a condom?  Why put yourself in that position - to me this activity is basically saying I take all comers (no pun intended).  Am I wrong in my assumption?
 

If this happens I move on 😀

 

Where I do 121 meets I disclose and have not really had any issues but that may be because I live in a London/Brighton where Prep etc is available. 

[StockingsBB]

As a Btm who usually gets fucked raw, I don’t ask. In my experience once a top has his cock near my hole it’s going in. Should the top ask my status I answer honestly but that’s not a guarantee. My default is that I will take a raw cock and a load .