Conflicted: Cheating and HIV

[Nottelling]

This won't be sexy, but at least it's "raw". I want to first start out to say that while sex is nice, it's not the most important thing in my life. I like sex, but it's a small part. I have my home, family, friends, career and hobbies that are very important to me and I do not want sex to get in the way of that. I do not judge anyone else's choices. I make my own decisions and people make theirs. My problems come from people close to me making decisions too and it's how they affect me.

     I'm in my mid thirties and I actually don't have much experience in penetrative sex. When I do have anal, I really like bareback. I love shooting my sperm in a hole and I love taking it up my ass from a man I love (even though I'm very, very tight). I married and my husband and I got a boyfriend to play around with about a year ago. I'm very loyal, almost to a fault and I don't cheat or troll for sex online. My husband has for years used sex apps to talk to men. Our boyfriend does too. Full disclosure, we all play around together with others as a group thing, but never to the level of fucking anyone else. It's always blowjobs, rimming, jacking, frotting, etc. None of us are on Prep. We discussed that we don't want to take it to the level of anal sex with "outsiders" because of the risks.

     My husband and my boyfriend say they're monogamous, but I know they aren't. Before I continue I need to give some background on who I am and what's in my past. I've had very few relationships and they have all been strong and monogamous. Several people in my family have had HIV. Three of them died of the disease directly while one died luckily of old age/ natural causes. AIDS is a pretty touchy topic for my family and they would be devastated and very disappointed in my if I got HIV. I know medicine is different these days, but I don't want to be dependent on pills for my health and have the disease that killed my family members. I've seen the price of the disease and I just don't find it desirable.

Now I had my suspicions, so I did something that I'm not proud of: I checked the apps and messages on their phones. Both of them are having very hot and heavy conversations with men all over town, some even today (I checked). Some messages give times when they are alone, or coming home from work, or when they have a break to go off and have some sort of sex with these men. Most of the time it's just for very simple sex like a blow job. One alarming message from the boyfriend was about having sex with couple where he said "I just can't get hard with condoms and I know you guys bareback, are you clean?" That particular hookup never ended up happening and from what I can tell, they have never gone as far as fucking 100%. They set limits with these guys in the messages "just blowjobs, okay?" but who knows what actually happens once they are together. These encounters are secret. They are both supposed to tell me and each other (as we all agreed), but they don't. I've confronted both of them about this, and they either admit it or deny it and they continue to do it anyway every time I check. I just asked them to be honest with me and they continue not to.

I enjoy their love and companionship. I don't want HIV. I find it hot in many ways but I'm also hurt. I can't trust them 100% obviously. Now, it would be fun to say "fuck it" and just start raw dogging all around town, egging them on, but I just don't want the consequences that come with that. That's my choice.  The benefit doesn't outweigh the consequences, for me. I also don't want to feel used having one of my guys saying "I love you" and calling someone else "daddy" in secret. That makes me feel worthless.

I am very conflicted. I don't know what to do and I don't want HIV or other STDs. I'm thinking about secretly getting on Prep among other things. Thoughts?

[drscorpio]

PrEP is definitely called for. I wouldn’t be secret about it either. “Because the two of you cannot abide by our rules, I am doing this to protect myself.”

[pigpozdad]

PrEP,  and get on it very soon .  After a year on it, reconsider all options again.

[evilcoyote]

I agree. Get on PrEP and evaluate your relationship. If they aren't giving you whar you need or can't be honest about it, are you really sure you want to be in that relationship. 

[find91]

Get on prep for your own safety. You don't have to take it everyday their are ways to load prep before a bareback encounter. It will give u an extra layer of security. Being in a relationship is much about taking care of yourself as it is taking care of your partners.

[Nottelling]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

8 hours ago, drscorpio said:

PrEP is definitely called for. I wouldn’t be secret about it either. “Because the two of you cannot abide by our rules, I am doing this to protect myself.”

My reasoning on "secret" is so that I don't go on Prep saying to them "I don't trust you" and they think it's now permission and open season to fuck the town bareback and give me herpes instead. Right now, it looks like they have some boundaries with the tricks they are hooking up with from what I read in their messages.

1 hour ago, evilcoyote said:

I agree. Get on PrEP and evaluate your relationship. If they aren't giving you whar you need or can't be honest about it, are you really sure you want to be in that relationship. 

The stupid part is that I love these guys. After that I have a marriage (where I would have to divorce), property and many other things I would have to undo in order to move on. I certainly don't want HIV as an excuse to break up however.

1 hour ago, find91 said:

Get on prep for your own safety. You don't have to take it everyday their are ways to load prep before a bareback encounter. It will give u an extra layer of security. Being in a relationship is much about taking care of yourself as it is taking care of your partners.

Thank you.

[tallslenderguy]

11 hours ago, Nottelling said:

 

I enjoy their love and companionship. I don't want HIV. I find it hot in many ways but I'm also hurt. I can't trust them 100% obviously. Now, it would be fun to say "fuck it" and just start raw dogging all around town, egging them on, but I just don't want the consequences that come with that. That's my choice.  The benefit doesn't outweigh the consequences, for me. I also don't want to feel used having one of my guys saying "I love you" and calling someone else "daddy" in secret. That makes me feel worthless.

I am very conflicted. I don't know what to do and I don't want HIV or other STDs. I'm thinking about secretly getting on Prep among other things. Thoughts?

my take on 'love' is it's unconditional. I.e., we take a person as they are.  That is simple (but hard), looks good on paper, and is one of the biggest challenges of relationship in my opinion.  For me, my top priority in relationship is compatibility because i don't believe in trying to change someone, or vice versa, because of "love."  To me, that isn't really love, it turns a relationship more quid pro quo. 

You are in relationship with a couple of guys who, for whatever reasons, want/need and are having raw, bareback sex with other guys.  i get that you are "conflicted" because these are guys you care about and want in your life.  my guess (and it's only a guess) is that, on some level they know you disapprove of what they are doing, so they hide and lie about it. i.e., they too are "conflicted."  They too know the consequences of "raw dogging" and to them "the consequences" (apparently) are worth it.  Seems to me you guys are sexually incompatible. 

Based on what you have written, i don't think PreP is the answer for you.  Don't get me wrong, i think PreP is pretty essential if you're having penetrative sex, especially as a bottom, because you have NO control over your partner/s.  Yes, there are guys out there who believe in and are monogamous, but nothing is absolute.  This isn't the case with you though. You already know that your partners are having hook up sex. If you stay with them and have sex with them, sooner or later, the odds are you're going to get an STD.  

From what you have written, i think you need to change the form of relationship you have with these guys to platonic and find someone you can be monogamous with for the sexual part of your life.  This goes beyond STD's for you.  Psychologically, you are feeling "used" by who and how they are. i'd wager if they managed to not have hookup sex for awhile, they too would feel "used" and the same sort of resentment and hurt would develop. i don't think ether side is 'good' or 'bad,'  it think it's a question of compatibility. It looks to me that a closed polyamorous relationship would be more suited to your desires and needs.

 i'm not one to throw out the baby with the bath water, i.e.,  an all or nothing scenario with your current guys. Clearly, you're all getting something from the relationship, so i'd look for ways to remove the elements of conflict.  Would there still be something of value left if sex was taken out of the picture?  

[dewalt]

The fact that you are on this site means or 1) you are a man masturbating on the attention or 2) a slut who secret craves to get more dirty than she likes to admit. No one comes here for objective advise: In both cases, just start acting like the slut you are and become a cum dump for all. You'll thank us later for it!

[frank86]

You have an „agreement“ with these guys that they don’t follow through on, Why are you still wasting your time with them?

If somebody broke my trust, I sure wouldn’t stick around. Fuck these guys. There are others and probably those are better people too. 

[PG1961Canada]

" We discussed that we don't want to take it to the level of anal sex with "outsiders" because of the risks. 

     My husband and my boyfriend say they're monogamous, but I know they aren't. "

There is your answer.

I was in this exact same situation a number of years ago..... right down to having a 'third' that participated with us now and then for fun.  Like you, I also found out that every time I was travelling on business there were many, many situations with bareback sex and one day - my partner was diagnosed with HIV.  I tested fine.  So, that definitely put a bit of a monkey wrench into the relationship.

As stated by many others - get yourself on PrEP right away.

Your partner (and your boyfriend) are making decisions about YOUR health and lying to you..... you have to decide how much truth/lies you will accept.  But you should NOT accept that they are making health decisions that will affect you for the rest of your life.

Minimize your risk - whether you top or bottom.   You can still get STD's by the way... but PrEP will definitely help lower your risk of contracting HIV.

Do it now!!!!  

Good luck dude!

[PG1961Canada]

On 12/9/2019 at 1:44 AM, drscorpio said:

PrEP is definitely called for. I wouldn’t be secret about it either. “Because the two of you cannot abide by our rules, I am doing this to protect myself.”

I totally agree with this statement... don't pussyfoot around this... make sure they BOTH know you are doing this for YOUR personal protection... They can say what they want.... I see this as a case of 'actions speak louder than words".

[renovers82]

Get on PrEP...it is a game changer.  I originally went on it without telling my husband.  He was upset at first but accepted it as part of the open relationship territory.  He eventually went on it too and life’s so much better.  Moreover, since  you are on this site, I expect you too have a deep desire to up your raw fucking game.   
 

As far as the honesty issues with your husband and boyfriend goes, that’s another issue.  You don’t really seem upset - just concerned with your health.  That says a lot. 
 

I think you need to give yourself some credit; you seem pretty fucking chill.  Jealousy is a normal emotion.  No way I could handle my husband expressing romantic feelings for another man. I love the taste of another guy’s ass on my man’s crummy dick, *feelings* are a definite No-No for me.  
 

Don’t be so hard on yourself, and get your ass on PrEP.  

[viking8x6]

As far as the practical side, I'm with @drscorpio , I think. Also, don't forget that even if they are only having oral sex with other men, there are plenty of STDs they can pick up that way (HSV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, to name a few).

As far as the relationship side, I know from very painful experience that it's possible to love someone (or more than one person) unconditionally and have them love you back, and yet for whatever reason have them treat you badly to the point where you cannot live with it. Only you can make that decision, but if the way that they are treating you badly is damaging to you (and the line "I also don't want to feel used having one of my guys saying "I love you" and calling someone else "daddy" in secret. That makes me feel worthless." is extremely telling, here), you need to take it very seriously. That kind of damage can be very hard to get over, and can slop over into all kinds of other areas in life; also, it is insidious because it can happen gradually in a non-obvious way. I'm five years out, and still having trouble putting my life back together. You may also need some outside help to get a more objective view of the situation - I had to talk to a therapist.

[garsento]

PrEP is definitely doable, and defensible. You have established that your husband and boyfriend are doing things sexually you feel uncomfortable with, and you want to protect yourself against the worst.

Beyond this, the affair does speak of wider problems with your relationship. If your partners are doing things that you have objective reasons to be uncomfortable with--more, if they are saying one thing to you and doing another--IMHO this speaks of bigger problems than a need to open up your relationship. If you are not valued as a partner, if they cannot commit to you on this issue, what other problems do you have now? What other problems might you have?

Good luck. The important thing is to protect yourself, in the fullest sense of that concept.

[Guest BreedMeInVegas]

On 12/8/2019 at 11:20 PM, pigpozdad said:

PrEP,  and get on it very soon .  After a year on it, reconsider all options again.

Why a year?