Gay Guys are too picky

[tighthole64]

On 10/9/2021 at 8:38 AM, polyglutton said:

The apps need to be designed better because there are some people who want to find other forms of connection besides sex i.e. "gay community", while there are others who are looking to date, and still others who want to hook up immediately. These are three different groups with different needs, and while some overlap and that's good, it blurs the intentions. 

I would argue that all of these three groups need different app settings with indicator icons or filters so that people who are on there can understand what the person is actually looking for.

Without these distinctions, people who aren't looking for what you're looking for, are forced to engage with you/not engage with you if you're not looking for what they're looking for. This reduces all interactions to attraction only, thereby not only actively preventing friendship or community but also promoting hierarchical culture of appearance (pretty toxic and the last thing the gay/bisexual/queer+ community needs). 

Another thing about apps is that they're premeditative, which gives people endless time for indecision and procrastination. In comparison time in bars and bathhouses are much more finite, and people are more likely to bend or alter their "standards" when they aren't endlessly browsing. Apps corrode this sense of possibility for urban gays.  

I don't have well defined parameters for what I'm attracted to, but I can say that my "standards" are broadest in a bathhouse, and not just the extreme of ass-up-face-down thing, glory holes, or darkrooms, but also in places where I can see. There is something about the striping away of class (no clothes, just towels), lowering the lights, and the down-to-fuck setting that makes me both bolder and more open to finding pleasure with different kinds of men, men whom had I first seen online, I would have equivocated at messaging or considering scheduling meeting or hosting. I really think we should make a collectivist gay app that funds the construction of bathhouses in more places. 

In rural areas the apps are hell, and not designed for the needs of the gay community in low population areas.

These apps are designed to make the owners money, not for our mental health and definitely not to promote pro-social behaviour. Also we did not evolve to be accessible to an infinite number of people, at any hour of the day.  Talking to strangers can be wonderful but it can also be exhausting when people are socialised to handle rejection so poorly. Reasonably kind can people feel anxiety or burn-out at responding to the profile of someone if they're busy, not in the mood, and this doesn't mean they aren't interested. 
 

 

And then there are guys with blank profiles.  Sorry , but I'm not wasting time asking you information that you could put in the profile!

[tallslenderguy]

7 hours ago, tighthole64 said:

And then there are guys with blank profiles.  Sorry , but I'm not wasting time asking you information that you could put in the profile!

Right? This eternally mystifies me. These guys don't seem to realize they are online and there are no cues other than what they write to tell others about them. The ones that really make my jaw drop are the ones with no picture or text.  Sort of like going to a cruising park and hiding behind a tree to make sure no one notices you.  

Then there are the profiles that have words with no meaning. my favorite are those who say: "Just looking for fun."  As if everyone should know what their idea of "fun" is lol. sigh

[JamesL100]

Those blank profiles strongly suggest they are automated or 'bot' (not btm!) profiles.
Either to make a site look busier at first glance., to engage in spurious, scripted chat or to harvest user details.
Best avoided & ignored IMHO

Edited October 10, 2021 by JamesL100
Correcting auto spell check!

[BootmanLA]

3 hours ago, tallslenderguy said:

Right? This eternally mystifies me. These guys don't seem to realize they are online and there are no cues other than what they write to tell others about them. The ones that really make my jaw drop are the ones with no picture or text.  Sort of like going to a cruising park and hiding behind a tree to make sure no one notices you.  

Then there are the profiles that have words with no meaning. my favorite are those who say: "Just looking for fun."  As if everyone should know what their idea of "fun" is lol. sigh

I can translate this one easily. "Just looking for fun" means "I want sex, but with someone hot, and I'm not looking to date but if someone really hot and rich wanted me to, I probably would, and I'm too much of a moralizing prig to admit I'm just slutting around, because I'm not trash like that, so I can't be blunt about it, but yeah, really, I just want to get fucked by hot (and only hot) guys."

[BlackDude]

Long rambling coming:
 

The same thing that’s happening in straight society is happening in straight society: The entitled 7.
 

Before you had average people, hooking up with average people, above average with above average, so on and so forth. Sometime you’ll get a cut above, but most guys had some self awareness.  With social media, OnlyFans and the like and the like button, everyone is a star now. You have guys who would just be normal guys thinking they are a cut above because a bunch of thirsty men online. This doesn’t faze super hot men because they are used to attention, most of them handle it with grace. It’s the above average guys (5,6,7) who need that constant ego gratification. 
 

From who I’ve observed and who I talked to, A lot of these guys are from larger cities but they were not socially, sexually, or economically viable. If you are a 5, 6 or 7 in LA, NY, SF etc. you can’t really play those games because everything moves fast and there is too much competition. These guys moved to smaller cities and then think they are going to be the “elites.” I see this all the time where a guy won’t give you the time of day, yet move to another bigger city and try to connect. They always move back.
 

And we are seeing the results of this mentality now, just like in straight society. These guys are buying their little box cars, their pets, and dying alone in their mid town condos in that eternal search for “worthy” men. 
 

I’ll say this last: I seen a guy in BBRT and his profile says he would not meet unless he had clear photos and video verification then only for coffee first. On BBRT! Now this guy wasn’t an ugly but he was average as hell. But he was young, not in a big city So he felt he had the clout to get away with that sort of foolishness. And he’s probably right because he put the ad up.

That’s why I always say shoot your shot at the hot ones. If you don’t get it it’s OK but do not waste your time chasing above average guys. Just keep working and go for your target that you know that will fuck if that’s what you’re trying to do.

[BlackDude]

1 minute ago, BootmanLA said:

I can translate this one easily. "Just looking for fun" means "I want sex, but with someone hot, and I'm not looking to date but if someone really hot and rich wanted me to, I probably would, and I'm too much of a moralizing prig to admit I'm just slutting around, because I'm not trash like that, so I can't be blunt about it, but yeah, really, I just want to get fucked by hot (and only hot) guys."

I hate to comment back to back, but this reminds me of these dude who hit me up on Sniffies. He messaged me, asked me for pics (and he had no pics) and basically said he was a tease then foolishly asked if I respect his honesty.

I basically told him I don’t because there is no such thing as a tease. All teases are fucking, they Just want to let you know they’re not fucking you to give themselves a sense of superiority and they want you around to stroke their ego and tell the guy they are actually going to fuck comes around. He blocked me haha.

On a sidenote, I do tell guys I’m just looking for fun. Honestly I don’t care how much money a guy would have I am never ever ever going to date again again.

[NWUSHorny]

I see this happen in the sex clubs and cruising spots, as well as online.  In some cities the vast majority of guys want the attention, but seem completely uninterested in actually doing anything.  This weekend, was ridiculous here, it felt like no one had any interest in actually touching anyone else?

[Guest]

On 9/20/2021 at 3:58 PM, Breedingandseeding said:

If I’m in a bottom mood I don’t care about cock size although most bottom guys these days seem to demand hung guys. If I’m in a top mood I don’t care whether a guy is smooth or hairy. I feel like everyone would have more fun if they learned to have reasonable standards instead of ones that severely limit their fuck pool.

I don't feel there's anything wrong with setting higher standards and want what somebody wants.
Of course dating apps are full of fakers and assholes who just seem to want to cocktease. Or ass-tease if that's a word.

Not saying you or anyone agreeing with your post are, but it's also true that some people who complain should really take a look in the mirror and they're overall fitness before complaining nobody wants them

Edited October 11, 2021 by Guest

[tallslenderguy]

9 hours ago, BootmanLA said:

I can translate this one easily. "Just looking for fun" means "I want sex, but with someone hot, and I'm not looking to date but if someone really hot and rich wanted me to, I probably would, and I'm too much of a moralizing prig to admit I'm just slutting around, because I'm not trash like that, so I can't be blunt about it, but yeah, really, I just want to get fucked by hot (and only hot) guys."

idk. If they qualified that they were Top or bottom or versatile and "just looking for fun," at least they are giving some information. i do think some of them are afraid to say what they really want, that they don't want to be identified?  

i have no problem with someone having their own particular taste or standards. i honestly do not want anyone who doesn't want me too. Gotta be mutual for me.  That's a whole lot easier to discern and navigate at a cruising location. i can see in a few seconds if a guy is interested or not and simply move on. Aps don't have the advantage of visual cues which make up ao much of communication. i think this is especially true with gay guys. Before the advent of aps and the net, all we had was cruising locations and 'gaydar' lol. i have had some amazing sex with guys just from a glance and a slight gesture. They touch their crotch to communicate what they want, and that's all it takes. 

i don't do a lot of hooking up via aps since the demise of CL. That used to work pretty well for me for anonymous breed and go, i'd pretty much always get someone, and sometimes multiple guys who were real (along with the flakes). But prior to Covid, i was more often going to actual cruisy places to hook. So much easier and more reliable than aps. The only place i have run into hot guy syndrome is at a bath house or sex club, and honestly, i can usually find someone there as well because i just go for the guys everyone else seems to be avoiding. i can't remember the last time i went to an actual cruise location and didn't get something, but happens all the time with aps. i think aps have messed hook up sex up and avoid them if i can.

Edited October 11, 2021 by tallslenderguy

[blackrobe]

Filtering men out on criteria you only hypothesize, or have been conditioned, to think you should desire is needlessly diminishing the breeder pool. I try and do it as little as I possibly can. All men are surprises and both more and less than they can appear to be. If you don't open yourself up to the possibility that your suppositions are wrong, you never get the delight of an unexpectedly  great guy and a superior breeder owning your hole. 

Sure, I have many, many types of men I find attractive and would make myself available for their use and pleasure. Some men just don't fall into that bucket usually because they trigger some kind of visceral or "concern for my own safety" response, or they're just not physically up to fucking and breeding me. 

I remember talking to one guy who was asking all kinds of very specific questions about my body and asking for pics of body parts with the specificity of a passport photo. I'd have fucked him, but seeing the severity of his body requirements (which I met but ironically he did not) he rendered himself unfuckable. That kind of body, race, etc. assholery is more likely to rule you out that failing to match a mythical (and stupid) body ideal.  

[ErosWired]

15 hours ago, BlackDude said:

From who I’ve observed and who I talked to, A lot of these guys are from larger cities but they were not socially, sexually, or economically viable. If you are a 5, 6 or 7 in LA, NY, SF etc. you can’t really play those games because everything moves fast and there is too much competition. These guys moved to smaller cities and then think they are going to be the “elites.” I see this all the time where a guy won’t give you the time of day, yet move to another bigger city and try to connect. They always move back.

You’re touching on a universality of human interaction here, often referred to as being “the big fish in a small pond”. Across cultures there has always been a stratification of access to individuals with what are considered desirable traits. Sometimes that stratification is further limited by economic status, or caste, or ethnicity, but always on the biological imperative inherent within all organism to select on the basis of likely reproductive success.

Looking at it from the science-y side, whether the ‘elite’ is so by virtue of advantageous DNA, or monetary effluence that promises supply, or muscularity that promises defense, or whatever positive trait, that person benefits from 50,000 years of human programming for species survival.

It’s not an unnatural phenomenon, and not limited to sexuality. Sometimes the fish grows too big for the pond that spawned it. The godforsaken backward county I live in in rural Butt Fucking Egypt is a very, very small pond indeed, inhabited by very small, homely, ignorant fish. But on rare occasions, this gene pool will inexplicably spawn someone exceptional. I have known a handful of these people, and what happens to them is that they leave. They don’t hang around the home pond and pair off with the dubious specimens on offer; they hie themselves off to places where they can meet persons on a par with themselves in terms of ability, intelligence, and general compatibility. Somehow, their genes transcended the sum of their origins.

Of course, no matter whether the pond is big or small, the water is usually pretty damn shallow when it gets down to cruising for sex, but I think a lot of these deep currents still influence us.

[BBSMKR]

God I’m so torn by this one as I can see myself sometime on the other end being picky, yet at the same time hate it. Apps have opened up a whole new world of sex on demand and what’s not to like, but I do get it, very frustrating endlessly messaging back and fore. Like @YourNoLimitsBottom said meeting in person like in a club or sauna reaps much more rewards for me and it’s my fav way to hook up, but not everywhere I visit has a sex club or sauna, so Apps are the only option.

[PupLucca]

On 9/20/2021 at 9:58 AM, Breedingandseeding said:

I feel like as hooking up continues to become easier and we’re all flooded with so many options on apps that guys have become unnecessarily picky. In the end they’re limiting themselves. I don’t mind people having some preferences for what turns them on more than others but some people have such strict hang ups. The only thing that I really do need in a guy is for him to be reasonably height/weight proportional ( a little bit overweight is fine but not obese), good hygiene, and a slutty state of mind when hooking up. If I’m in a bottom mood I don’t care about cock size although most bottom guys these days seem to demand hung guys. If I’m in a top mood I don’t care whether a guy is smooth or hairy. I feel like everyone would have more fun if they learned to have reasonable standards instead of ones that severely limit their fuck pool. Kind of wish someone would make an app that is explicitly for people okay with average guys and not just hung guys or super fit guys or super attractive guys.

You’re being picky yourself though in your statement. Why should it matter at all what a guy looks like if you’re both horny?  ‘Ve never understood guys and their hang ups and lists of this or that. I have never had a type and maybe that’s why I’ve had sex with over 15,000 men.  Hang ups and types are simply ridiculous 

[YourNoLimitsBottom]

23 minutes ago, BBSMKR said:

not everywhere I visit has a sex club or sauna, so Apps are the only option

I feel you on that one! I've tried some dating apps and while there are a lot of flakes on those, there are some legit tops. One thing I will say positive about the dating sites is that guys tend to leave clues in their profiles that have lead me to places where physical meets are more likely to happen around my area (living near no major cities means "my area" is rather large). I can honestly say I have had more luck with physically meeting people because the apps help narrow down areas where guys of my flavor congregate.

Edited October 11, 2021 by YourNoLimitsBottom

[Leather69]

I have found on my travels about the world that the US and Canada are very hard to find guys who are interested on sites. Going to events like IML and the se was full on and uninhibited - younger.. masculine fit boys were very happy to take an older guys cock and load.. same for Orlando/Ft L/Key West.  Much the same in Europe with a few exceptions.. but then going to events such as Folsom in Berlin (a tops paradise), Munich, Hamburg, Amsterdam.. plus SBN etc in London - younger guys are very happy to get together with us "oldies".