polyglutton

I think you make a great point here. The vast majority of under 50 year olds haven't really experienced bathhouses and never learnt this etiquette. I feel super lucky to have lived near Steamworks for a few years in the age of PrEP.

For me there is a distinction between a preemptive or post conversation block vs. a real-time block. To me a real-time block i.e. mid contact/chat is inhumane. However a block before, or some time after contact, is really doing both people a favour. It opens up the grid for both users to have better chances of finding compatibility with someone better suited. But I agree that blocking someone because they did not respond right away is weak and short-sided. The other person could be up to anything, and to make their lack of immediate response about you is juvenile. I like to give people a few days before I decide they aren't going to respond. And that still isn't a reason to block if I'm interested in them.

Giving a gift or compliment should be done freely without any expectation of anything in return, otherwise it's an obligation and no longer a gift. If saying thank you were an obligation, then genuine gratitude in the words thank you would have no meaning. Making assumptions about why the other person didn't respond is unkind. You don't know what they're dealing with or anything else. Ultimately it's creepy to project expectations. Our personal experience and values are not universal, we do well to always keep that in mind with every person we encounter, both in person or online.

It depends on: 1. If am I already busy talking to or doing something else, I won't respond in real time. Some people will draw conclusions or even block if they don't get a response within a short period. Their loss. I insist on being a human, not at the beck and call of all notifications on my phone. 2. Since I live in a small town and grindr is also used as the only "community" resource, I try not to reduce every interaction to that of a potential hookup. This means I will sometimes respond to people in a friendly non-sexual way, being clear about it when it comes up. 3. If someone I'm not attracted to contacts me, I might respond and I might not. It depends on my mood (can I handle someone being rude?). I don't think being "nice" is overrated and even hurtful (a lot of what is nice or saving face is actually unnecessarily dishonest and misleading). Kind is better, and in my book, kindness means being honest and direct, but respectful and considerate. 4. I don't owe anyone a response and this doesn't make me a bad person, it just means I have boundaries.

I would wish to selectively tune in to the thoughts and feelings of others, in a non-creepy way. To be able to get an assessment of a person's character and desires right up front would work wonders for my trust and attachment issues.

Here's my experience with the vaccine: got my first shot on 22 July, and felt ill for 11 days after. Headaches, foggy or slow brain, general fatigue. No rash then, and although the injection site was hard and a bit swollen, it was only a 1 on a 1-10 scale of itchiness. However by 6 August, I developed an itchy rash on my forearms. It was itchiest on the left forearm (but no lesions developed). My right forearm was less itchy BUT I developed three small lesions, that look like the ones in the pictures I've seen, thankfully smaller than the average ones depicted. It took a week for the lesions to go down, I'd say the itchiness was a 4 out of 10. No scarring, but I find the mini-lesions as a part of my immune response unusual compared to what I've heard explained in expected side-effects. I am isolating and have no mpox exposure

I would like to be able to "like" more than 3 posts/responses per 24 hours. I don't post much myself, mostly just enjoy reading what others write as inspiration for my nightly wanks.

I got my vaccination a week ago and my immune response is still ongoing one week in. Low energy, headaches, and the injection site is still sore. I feel really lucky to get the vaccine, but I am surprised at how long the effects have been for me. It makes me wonder if I would have had a really bad case had I actually been infected. I appreciate being able to read the experiences of others here.

I started dating someone special a few months ago, and he tested positive a few days ago. He'd been away for a month and luckily his symptoms appeared before coming back to see me. Poor guy. I wonder how long it will be before he's no longer contagious? And will he develop immunity now or could he get reinfected? It's certainly been a rollercoaster week for us. I was so looking forward to seeing him.

Super hot story, and really well-written! Please keep going. I know this story will be a classic I keep returning to.

Cum or silicone, I don't like the rest

The pursuit of novelty has been a major driver of modern human evolution. With that said, not everyone prefers novelty to regular partners. Often the sex will improve and even become more adventurous over time with the familiarity and safety.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to give thoughts and advice. I have resisted meeting him so far. He was really persistent for about 5 days but in the last few he hasn't messaged me which has felt like a relief. It's been very intense for me, with the fear and confusion about how legal, ethical, or safe it would be. Very much out of my comfort zone. On top of this I now understand that the only reason I was open to this is because how sex-starved I am with from the isolation. It's sobering how vulnerable to this proposition I've found myself. I spent the last session with my therapist discussing it and she was really supportive and didn't think it would be wrong or legally ambiguous, but then again she's not a lawyer. I think I'll get a legal opinion for piece of mind even if I never actually meet him. At least would get an answer. The guy doesn't have any ID to show me (no driver's learning permit or license), only a high school ID which has no age on it, only the school year-grade. As all of this is new to me, since I've always avoided guys near the age if consent, it's so weird that there is so much ambiguity of legality where the age of consent is below 18. I should just block him and the sooner I forget it, the better.

Hi all. I don't post much on here but I do read a lot. I'm 42 and started having sex at 22. I have always been interested in sex with guys my age or older. I avoided men younger than me for a few reasons, but when I lived in a college town in the Bay Area 5-12 years ago, I eventually broadened my range to guys up to 13 years younger. These college guys were so confident and assertive that I eventually gave in. Glad I did! 5 years ago I moved to am isolated, rural place for my job. Mainly because of the isolation and small number of possible sex partners, I've had very little sex. The last two years of strict covid shielding due to multiple comorbiditied has meant I've not had sex. I have a strong libido and it definitely has been depressing for me. On grindr the closest guys are 10-15 miles away and few of them are into bears. Today I got messaged by a 16 year old who lives a mile away who was really keen to fuck. Initially I said no but then he told me that the age of consent in this state is 16 and that he's turning 17 soon. I have never been with a guy younger than 22 and as I've gotten older my age limit keeps moving up with me because of maturity issues, even just friendship. I am only interested in sex, and the mutual sexual attraction seems strong but I have a lot of concerns. He is either pretty inexperienced or is actually a virgin and while I know that is a turn-on to some, I feel weird about that. I never thought I'd be considering hooking up with a guy this age, but I would really like to have a regular fuck buddy and he does too. I worry about someone this age making an unhealthy attachment. The most I can offer is a being a sex buddy. How do I assure myself that he is mature enough to understand what heathy boundaries are? I don't want him to get hurt. Even after 5 years, small-town, rural life is really foreign to me and it presents a host of concerns around privacy that weren't a worries in large cities. What if his parents have a way to geolocate his phone? We'd have to have sex in some wooded area because I don't feel comfortable having him over. I never thought I'd be considering this. Any advice is welcome. If he really is a virgin, I want it to be a good experience for him.

How awful. I'm glad it at least resulted in a positive change at least.

I see and hope for a future where human hierarchies are greatly reduced, where conventional ideas of attractiveness are far more nuanced and complex. Personally I avoid anyone over 8 because the odds are too high they're either too vain or too privileged for my taste. Also if their social media is made up of 30+% selfies, it's a no.

I don't think this framing is fair to you or others. I believe we all have (or at least deserve) bodily sovereignty, and sharing our bodies with others should always be a gift rather than an obligation regardless of the legal, cultural, or other interpersonal projections. I don't believe it's fair, natural, or reasonable to enforce the terms of other people's relationships. If a married man choses to share his body with you, that's nothing to do with his spouse. If they have problems, those belong to them and not to you.

I am touched by your comments as well as those of @Eroswired and @hntnhole, thank you. I should be more specific, the specific part that my brain eroticised initially was that I was being barebacked without my consent, not rape as such. It's weird. Perhaps as I once heard said, my brain decided that eroticising it was a way of reclaiming power. His forcing me to go bareback was a much greater violation, especially because of HIV fears (it was in 2001 and I had only recently lost my virginity). It was my first time going bare and I was very careful about condoms up until that point. I had a hard time being consistent with condoms after that. I buried and blocked the rape for a few years until I was reading a profile of a top on Gay.com a few years later. He said something like "I only fuck bare, whether you want it or not". I was shocked that this turned me on, but it really did. I had a lot of risky sex after, but I know that if I had not been raped, I wouldn't have ever gone bare until the age of PrEP.

When I had limited experience with guys, I saw a sleep therapist for treatment via hypnosis for chronic insomnia brought on by PTSD. He took advantage and forced me to have unprotected anal sex while I was hypnotised. It was in front of a mirror too. I remember being hyper aware of what was happening but being totally unable to control what was happening. 20 years on I'm still unpacking this experience. It was traumatic and I blocked the experience for a few years. Vexingly, I found out that it somehow as a result my brain eroticised how my choice had been taken away. This felt like insult to injury, and I tried to ignore it. Over the years I have come to accept it, and that's actually what brought me this site. I don't condone non-consensual sex in real life, but I no longer feel guilty for getting off on having consent taken away from me I had a close friend to whom I disclosed I was raped via hypnosis and he didn't believe me. It really sucks when people don't believe you in this way.

These responses are enlightening for me. I really don't remember seeing many profiles with "discrete" when I lived in Los Angeles or San Francisco, but since moving to a small town 80% of the profiles are blank and use the words "discrete only". Because of my experiences here, I have come to associate "discrete" with paranoia and a degree of internalised homophobia (both for me are a turn-off and correlated with bad sex). However some of your comments give me some hope and that there may be other ways to look at it. I will try to be more open. When I lived in SF I really came to enjoy the freedom and discretion of Steamworks and I really wish small towns like mine had at least a small place with gloryholes or a dark room. It would suit all these "discrete" guys' needs.

Beautiful cock!

And since a person's mood can change, the indicator/filters should be easy to toggle. E.g. categories with icons or coloured dots for DTF, platonic chat, let's get dinner/a drink right now, let's go do an non-sexual activity now, etc. A user could have multiple indicators up, but ideally just one at a time so others could easily scan/search for them.

Personality and body language are underrated sexually attractive qualities 🙂

The apps need to be designed better because there are some people who want to find other forms of connection besides sex i.e. "gay community", while there are others who are looking to date, and still others who want to hook up immediately. These are three different groups with different needs, and while some overlap and that's good, it blurs the intentions. I would argue that all of these three groups need different app settings with indicator icons or filters so that people who are on there can understand what the person is actually looking for. Without these distinctions, people who aren't looking for what you're looking for, are forced to engage with you/not engage with you if you're not looking for what they're looking for. This reduces all interactions to attraction only, thereby not only actively preventing friendship or community but also promoting hierarchical culture of appearance (pretty toxic and the last thing the gay/bisexual/queer+ community needs). Another thing about apps is that they're premeditative, which gives people endless time for indecision and procrastination. In comparison time in bars and bathhouses are much more finite, and people are more likely to bend or alter their "standards" when they aren't endlessly browsing. Apps corrode this sense of possibility for urban gays. I don't have well defined parameters for what I'm attracted to, but I can say that my "standards" are broadest in a bathhouse, and not just the extreme of ass-up-face-down thing, glory holes, or darkrooms, but also in places where I can see. There is something about the striping away of class (no clothes, just towels), lowering the lights, and the down-to-fuck setting that makes me both bolder and more open to finding pleasure with different kinds of men, men whom had I first seen online, I would have equivocated at messaging or considering scheduling meeting or hosting. I really think we should make a collectivist gay app that funds the construction of bathhouses in more places. In rural areas the apps are hell, and not designed for the needs of the gay community in low population areas. These apps are designed to make the owners money, not for our mental health and definitely not to promote pro-social behaviour. Also we did not evolve to be accessible to an infinite number of people, at any hour of the day. Talking to strangers can be wonderful but it can also be exhausting when people are socialised to handle rejection so poorly. Reasonably kind can people feel anxiety or burn-out at responding to the profile of someone if they're busy, not in the mood, and this doesn't mean they aren't interested.

I've been in an open relationship for 14 years. Deconstructing jealousy is essential. You'll need to prioritise finding someone with self-awareness, emotional maturity, and honesty. Some people can get there without therapy, but in a society that doesn't actively privilege or promote these attributes, most people (especially men) need therapy to develop these. Define ahead of time what love and trust mean to you, and how they would look in practice e.g. love is not ownership or control, trust means respecting boundaries. The way I see it is while time is a finite resource, love or affection don't have to be. The book Ethical Slut could be helpful.