top fuck bud is poz but denies it -

[flashcard]

I've been single for about 4 years. During this time I've had a fairly regular fuck bud. He's black, hung, fairly dom and muscular. he's also smart and a hell of a lot of fun to be with. If I'm honest with myself I have to admit I'm in love with him.

When we first met (on line) both our bios said we were neg and only fucked safe. Our first fuck was great and it quickly became a regualr thing. After the third or forth time we hooked up, he said, "I gotta tag that ass" and proceeded to fuck me raw. I totally loved it, yet later felt very guilty. So I called him and confessed about my real status. He sounded a little uncomfortable but said he was cool with it and changed the subject. I later changed my on line status to POZ and have been openly poz since. We continued to hook up, hang out . I fell in love. We always used a rubber.

Once I tried to tell him I love him, but he changed the subject.

About two years ago I was at his place and I noticed a bottle of HIV meds sitting on the coffee table. with his name on it . We even have the same doctor! I pretend not to see it, then excused myself. When I came back, the bottle was gone. Long story, but I now believe he's been poz for many years, he was prolly infected by his first bf who had a wicked crack habit.

In the last six months or so he's stared fucking me raw. I never asked him, he just started doing it. I totally love it, and based on what he says when we're fucking (like "You want my fucking load? tell me you want my fucking load" etc) I can tell he really likes it too. But, based on his behavior, I think he feels guilty about it later.

So my question is: Should I tell him I know he's poz? Should I tell him how much I want his cum inside me? Would this make us closer or would he freak? Oh yeah, did I mention I'm in love with him?

Edited July 25, 2010 by flashcard
grammar

[rawTOP]

Flashcard - If I haven't said it yet - Welcome to Breeding Zone!

Your top's reaction reminds me of an ex-boyfriend I had who just couldn't deal with the fact that he was poz. He had a hard time admitting it to himself, never mind someone else. It wasn't until I found a KS lesion on him that he admitted it (years into the relationship). But that was 1993/1994 and things were different back then 'cause ARVs hadn't come out yet.

You're the perfect person to confront him about it because you love him, and having it out in the open won't change anything between the two of you. I may make the sex more intense. But he'll be better off if he comes to terms with it and learns to accept himself and love himself. Fear and self-loathing are never good for the soul.

In terms of a poz top not being upfront about his status. There may be legal implications, but he is on meds so chances are his viral load is "undetectable" so he's probably shooting blanks and the risk to the guys he fucks is low. It sounds like he rubbers up most of the time anyway. I wouldn't approach him from that perspective anyway. The core issue is that he needs to accept himself and love himself.

[PhoenixGeoff]

In terms of a poz top not being upfront about his status. There may be legal implications, but he is on meds so chances are his viral load is "undetectable" so he's probably shooting blanks and the risk to the guys he fucks is low. It sounds like he rubbers up most of the time anyway. I wouldn't approach him from that perspective anyway. The core issue is that he needs to accept himself and love himself.

While it's true that detectable viral load may make HIV harder to transmit, it still can be done (I've done it myself), especially if he or his partner happen to have another STD at the time.

It also sounds like, while he does rubber up often, there are times he doesn't. And he's willing to bareback someone he thinks is neg (and presumably isn't chasing).

RawTOP's right: for the sake of his own sense of well being, he needs to learn how to discuss his status openly, at least with the guys he fucks bareback (and personally, I think he should when he rubbers up too...I've had guys turn me down even before we get to discussing the condom, when presumably we're talking about safer sex...I wouldn't want to take that choice away from anyone). There are also potential legal ramifications, even if his partner does not seroconvert, even if he uses a condom, if he doesn't disclose (this varies widely from state to state; check with your local AIDS organization for the laws in your area).

And yes, you are an excellent person to talk to him about this, since he knows your poz already and has a good idea of your feelings for him.

Honestly, I find that "coming out poz" is very similar to coming out of the closet in the first place, except that the second time around it gets a bit easier. He's may be dreading the reaction he gets from guys who find out he's HIV+, just like he used to dread telling people he was gay. My experience has generally been that the fear of coming out is far, far worse than how people actually react.

He'll like himself better if he's up front with his partners. I think he'll also find that the quality of the sex with the guys who are already poz or who don't really care more than makes up for the guys who'll turn him down based on his status.

[goodboygonebad]

seems like everything is understood just keep going no need to talk. He's fucking you raw right? Enjoy it!

[BreedingTop71]

I think if you confront him you would be walking into a minefield. If the relationship is just sexual in nature and it has been for what appear to be years,  and he hasn’t opened up to you, it probably means he has initimacy issues. He will run the other way of you confront him about it. 
 

Having said that, do you really want to be with someone who cannot face a single fact about himself, even with you providing him with a safe environment for it? 

[EricX]

It could be that he “accidentally “ left the bottle out for you to see as his way of conveying his status to you. He might have thought you would comment on it as an opening for him to start the conversation. Or perhaps as his way, on the down low, to let you know you are t putting him at risk when you let him fuck you bare. 

[ErosWired]

You could possibly, the next time he starts to go bare, ask him if how his comfort level is doing with your status, as a way of starting the conversation. You could say you’re just double-checking because the two of you have taken it to bare. He may take the opportunity to come clean about it. If not, you could say you just wanted to be sure because even if he were positive it wouldn’t change the way you feel.

You said you found a bottle of HIV meds with his name on it, but you didn’t say what they were - is it possible they were his PrEP meds?

Regardless of how you approach this, it seems to me that the risky proposition isn’t telling him you saw his meds - it’s telling him you’re in love with him. It might work out exactly the way your heart hopes - but if he’s commitment-averse, he might make a dash for higher ground. Good luck!

—-

I just realized the original post was made over a decade ago, so my answer is kind of pointless, but maybe it will apply to someone in a similar situation. Hope it worked out for him...

Edited April 6, 2021 by ErosWired

[drscorpio]

Moderator's Note:  A few observations: The original post is from 11 years ago. I assume whatever was going on between Flashcard and his fuckbuddy has resolved itself by now. Also, he hasn't been on the forum for a year and a half, so he isn't getting your messages. Finally, the last thing he posted was picks of himself being fucked by a hung black man who he referred to as his boyfriend; I don't know if it is the same guy or not.