Don't know if you need a psychologist, but definitely you need multiple opinions, which you're sure getting here!
Like you, I was turned on with bareback, excited by the risk, and conflicted about converting. Even took poz loads and didn't convert. And when I thought I was ready, the gifters I knew seemed to disappear! But eventually, I got it. And after a really miserable fuck flu, I'm back, cocked, and loaded with silver poz bullets!
It seems my dick's harder than ever, my balls work overtime producing more seed than ever, and am having awesome sex--including some guys who want my toxic gift. Is it psychological? Is it the virus replicating? Both? Maybe? All I can offer is my lived experience--and my semen, if you want it! ?