Turning down “Sides”

[WiltsCumDump]

On Grindr my profile clearly states “Bottom only” “BB”. I’ve turned down guys, who approached me, who have “Side” as their position and just wanted to cuddle, kiss and wank.  They got pretty insulting and took offence when I said that I am bottom and love getting fucked and bred not just kissing and wanking. 

anyone have similar issues… how did you handle It? 

[versamarried]

Before I ever saw the term "side" I would get pissy responses from guys who were vague on their preferred position when I would insist that if they wanted to me to cum as well I would need to be bred first.  I never understood why that was such a deal breaker that they would pester that I should just be happy with wanking away etc. I was happy to see the new term of "side" because it made it easier for me to just nope out. 

[BootmanLA]

Obviously, a "side" shouldn't get insulted when someone tells him "Sorry, but I'm looking for something else". But without suggesting you approached it wrong, I will say that how you convey to anyone that you're rejecting him matters.

"I appreciate what you're looking for, but that's not me, and I don't want to hold up your search for that, so best of luck!" is definitive and polite and even supportive and encouraging. It also solidly puts the onus on you - you've made a decision that you're not what HE wants.

When you say "I need X, not just Y that you're offering", it may convey a dismissive attitude toward Y and a superior attitude about X, and that's kind of insulting to the other person. It's saying "you're not what *I* want" - which is true in both cases, but it can be taken as hurtful.

Now, I don't think that there's any "moral" reason you can't say "I want X, and you're not it"; but as you note, this is about the pushback you're getting. It's a lot easier to avoid if you just make it clear that *you* aren't what *they* need, as opposed to telling them *they* aren't what *you* need.

[BlackDude]

On 11/5/2023 at 4:03 AM, WiltsCumDump said:

On Grindr my profile clearly states “Bottom only” “BB”. I’ve turned down guys, who approached me, who have “Side” as their position and just wanted to cuddle, kiss and wank.  They got pretty insulting and took offence when I said that I am bottom and love getting fucked and bred not just kissing and wanking. 

anyone have similar issues… how did you handle It? 

You should take offense when someone lies to you. We have too many guys now lying about fucking and they need to be called out. Don’t create some new word to use as a buffer or screening for they guys you are too scared to tell you won’t have sex with them 

[Davidc]

If I see “Side” in a profile - ill just ignore / block

[Spunkinmyarse]

I get a similar reaction from guys in clubs when I turn down a top because he starts unwrapping a condom. I’m always pretty nice about it and just say it’s not going to work for me, and although some guys accept that with grace, others get distinctly pissy and walk off in a huff, and then go on to make a point of deliberately ignoring me the rest of the night.
 

The assumption seems to be that I should be the one who makes the compromise, presumably because fucking bare is perceived as the “riskier” option. Something along the lines of, “Well, you fuck raw, so of course you’ll take it with a condom, right?”. Wrong. 

Edited November 9, 2023 by Spunkinmyarse

[ErosWired]

On 11/5/2023 at 3:46 PM, BootmanLA said:

"I appreciate what you're looking for, but that's not me, and I don't want to hold up your search for that, so best of luck!" is definitive and polite and even supportive and encouraging. It also solidly puts the onus on you - you've made a decision that you're not what HE wants.

While this is the approach I often use with, say, Tops whose profile  no makes it clear they’re looking exclusively for head, I always feel a little ambivalent about it because unless we’ve had an explicit discussion of what he wants, it seems presumptuous or even arrogant of me to suggest that I know what it is he wants well enough to know that I can’t (or won’t) provide it. In these cases I feel obliged to make my abilities sound as undesirable as possible before I urge him to try his luck elsewhere.

I’m less circumspect when it comes to other bottoms hitting me up for any kind of play - I simply say that I strictly provide ass to Tops and don’t offer bottom service. As often as not, that quick, definitive shutdown ends with them giving up on hoping I’ll fuck them and they come fuck me instead.

There are occasions where a guy would otherwise be someone I would service, but he has kinks like, say, watersports or gut-punching or spanking that are on my cross-off list, and I’ll just say, “I’m afraid we’re not compatible. Good hunting.” I think the useful element is wishing them good fortune in their pursuit, because it indicates that you don’t judge their sexual proclivity, and bear them no ill will.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Spunkinmyarse said:

I get a similar reaction from guys in clubs when I turn down a top because he starts unwrapping a condom. I’m always pretty nice about it and just say it’s not going to work for me, and although some guys accept that with grace, others get distinctly pissy and walk off in a huff, and then go on to make a point of deliberately ignoring me the rest of the night.
 

The assumption seems to be that I should be the one who makes the compromise, presumably because fucking bare is perceived as the “riskier” option. Something along the lines of, “Well, you fuck raw, so of course you’ll take it with a condom, right?”. Wrong. 

@Spunkinmyarse You are sooooo right! The condom unwrapping move - oh boy! I get that from time to time but that's OK as long as they are not getting their tits in a knot and get all huffing and puffing about it. That's when I stop really close by and whisper in their ear: 'My hole, My rules". And since I can say that in a few dozen languages the message is loud and clear. I can also imagine that some would try to show their disdain towards me after that, but I haven't really noticed it . Maybe because I am always on a hunt for the next ass to fuck or cock to take in. What a slut I am, aren't I?! LOL

[tallslenderguy]

i guess we're not talking side of beef here?

i haven't had to deal with this. It strikes me as funny though. Sort of like drive thru: "would you like fries with that."  

To me, a 'side' is something you have along with the main course, not something one makes a meal out of.

 

Edited November 9, 2023 by tallslenderguy

[ellentonboy]

This term is new to me.  I have been referred to as a "side", not because of some sexual interest, but because I was having sex with a neighbor who had a partner.  The guy living next door to him referred to me as his "side".  I thought it was amusing, "Hey I saw your "side" coming out of your apartment this morning".   It made me laugh to hear the term....I thought it was a new term guys in the 20s used.  Apparently, I was wrong again....

[phukhole]

I've had a couople of sides contact me on the apps and I immediately explain that we're looking for different scenes.  If they are willing to work WITH me so that we're both satisfied (usually involving a third or toys), we can continue negotiations, but if they're "no anal at all" I kindly tell them to look elsewhere.  Likewise, I've had many bottoms hit me up and if they're bottom/vers (and ACTUALLY vers) we can work something out.  If they 're strictly bottoms, I ask them what they expect to get out of contacting a cumdump.  Usually, they're high and/or like latinos, so they think it'll work out.  If I reach out to another bottom, I'm always up front with what I want. I wanna eat their cummy hole (or more often) want to eat their cummy hole and add mine!

[tighthole64]

On 11/5/2023 at 7:03 AM, WiltsCumDump said:

On Grindr my profile clearly states “Bottom only” “BB”. I’ve turned down guys, who approached me, who have “Side” as their position and just wanted to cuddle, kiss and wank.  They got pretty insulting and took offence when I said that I am bottom and love getting fucked and bred not just kissing and wanking. 

anyone have similar issues… how did you handle It? 

 

On 11/5/2023 at 7:03 AM, WiltsCumDump said:

On Grindr my profile clearly states “Bottom only” “BB”. I’ve turned down guys, who approached me, who have “Side” as their position and just wanted to cuddle, kiss and wank.  They got pretty insulting and took offence when I said that I am bottom and love getting fucked and bred not just kissing and wanking. 

anyone have similar issues… how did you handle It? 

Like you I'm a total bottom.  What I hate MOST is a top that wants a picture of my cock.  Im not looking to get sucked or Jack.  I'm simply looking for a cock and cum up my ass.

I have had an occasional side that likes to be sucked, so I don't rule  them out.  My first question to them is do you wanna be sucked too?

[hntnhole]

2 hours ago, ellentonboy said:

This term is new to me

Same here.  In fact, I don't think I've ever heard it "live", just here on BZ.  Apparently, it's what we used to call a regular/occasional "trick"?  Or maybe it's a contraction of "sidekick", meaning a guy that always seems to be around?  

Someone needs to update the Gay Pig's Dictionary .... 

[NWUSHorny]

Is there a polite way to tell them that while you may think you know "1001 ways to have really great sex that doesn't involve using a cock", but all of them leave me sexually frustrated? They are just as big of problem at the fuck venues as they are on the hookup apps.

[NWUSHorny]

2 hours ago, ellentonboy said:

This term is new to me.  I have been referred to as a "side", not because of some sexual interest, but because I was having sex with a neighbor who had a partner.  The guy living next door to him referred to me as his "side".  I thought it was amusing, "Hey I saw your "side" coming out of your apartment this morning".   It made me laugh to hear the term....I thought it was a new term guys in the 20s used.  Apparently, I was wrong again....

 

1 minute ago, hntnhole said:

Same here.  In fact, I don't think I've ever heard it "live", just here on BZ.  Apparently, it's what we used to call a regular/occasional "trick"?  Or maybe it's a contraction of "sidekick", meaning a guy that always seems to be around?  

Someone needs to update the Gay Pig's Dictionary .... 

Only the term is new.