How Much Do You Tell Your Kids?

[TigerMilner]

I have gotten a little bit too casual lately I guess when it comes to my fuckbuddies. One of my most regular buds has been around a lot lately. We've started hanging out as well as having sex, which is all we used to do. My kids have known him and seen him around for about 7 years and it has always been kind of a "don't ask, don't tell" type of thing. I never lied about who he is but never volunteered information either. The age difference is such that he is only six years older than my son and seven older than my daughter. She came right out and asked me "Who is he to you?" the other day. I was kind of shocked and stalled for time by asking the classic line "What do you mean?" She responded with "Is he your friend, your boyfriend, a hook-up? I responded by using her words. "He is my friend, he's not my boyfriend, and he started out as a hook-up".  She said "Oh Ok". 

 

It makes me wonder, how much do you tell your kids about your activities? I realized that lately they have seen several men in my place either when they would come home or wake up. It is probably why she felt she had to ask. I felt like it was important to be upfront and truthful, since that is what I have taught them is the right way to be.

[Ddawg]

In a way, I think it's a beautiful thing that this can be a situation in our day and age. I'm not a parent and couldn't imagine this situation. But, It sounds like you handled it well, knowing your kids, etc.

Most kids are adaptable and if you don't overdramatize things, they get it. But on the otherhand, as a kid, I wouldn't want too many details.

Gold star for healthy parenting, in my book.

[topstud127]

Great topic! How do you balance a very active and revolving sex life with parenting?

Few here have kids but hoping other people chime in here.

[Ranger Rick]

I was celibate while my kids were growing up; I didn't want to risk modeling bad behavior.

[TigerMilner]

I was celibate while my kids were growing up; I didn't want to risk modeling bad behavior.

I don't think having a healthy and active sex life is modeling bad behavior. Its perfectly natural. I don't offer up details but there are things that they see and I'm glad she asked rather than assume. It was funny because she was explaining it to her boyfriend on the phone when she asked. I think that trying to explain it to him made her ask, what is he to you?

 

I think honestly and openess is the best policy, said the man who's kids don't know he is an internet porn star. But if that ever comes to light, I'll handle it the same way.

[wood]

I dont have kids, but I admire the way you are handling things.  

 

The bottom line is that kids always know more than you think, especially in the internet age.  I don't see the problem with being honest, especially if it is consensual sex between two people.  Discussing things like PNP and group sex, are IMO different, and should be treated with more discretion      

[fuckrogerbb]

People tend to not tell their kids the truth. It depends on the age of the child, of course. If you are bringing men home for sex and they stay the night, they're not stupid. Tell them before hand if you can and don't be dramatic about it. Nothing to be ashamed of. Sex is a natural part of life.

[tallslenderguy]

I'd say it depends on the kids and the kind of relationship you have with them. Chances are, the guys on this site who have kids had them in another life (i.e., before they were out as gay). I, like others here, was born in an era when being gay was considered a sickness.  Add to that, I grew up in a fundamentalist religious culture that taught me I was broken (at best).

 

As a consequence, it didn't even seem an option to live as a gay person, I believed being gay was something to be cured of, or at least something I had to overcome or resist. As part of that, like many gay guys my age, I got married and tried to live as a straight person. I was so religious as a kid I even got up and in a church gathering and "confessed" my attraction to guys, everyone circled around me and prayed for me and nothing was ever said about it after. My wife to be was even present. Nobody, including myself, really understood what it meant to be gay, we thought it was something you could choose against.  My gayness was something to protect the kids from.

 

After years of processing, I finally got past my upbringing and beliefs (I was a slow learner!). I came out to my kids in 2006. Both were adults, and both were shocked. At the same time, I left fundamentalism. Not sure which was more shocking to my kids. Both of my sons are smart guys, one's an electrical/nuclear engineer, the other has 2 masters degrees. Each was headed the direction of losing their religion, but it's almost as if my coming out pushed them back in and deeper than ever. Because of their religious beliefs, one of my sons hasn't spoken to me in years, the other reminds me in birthday cards that he and his family are praying for me to 'repent." I haven't figured out which which response I like less. 

 

To me, there was no way around it (coming out to them). It was a part of living honestly after a lifetime of almost literally living in a "closet."  It ended up costing me my family... but did "I" ever really have a family if they didn't know who I was? 

 

I think if ones kids are accepting of them, then the kid will kind of guide how much you tell them. They may ask, though even in the 21st century, sex is still an awkward topic for some.  I think the important stuff to be open about is how being gay affects you as a person, things that might never occur to a straight person, like how you may have hidden while growing up-just to survive. These are things that molded us and can offer a lot of insight into the why and how we are/were. It's a part of being known in relationship... if your kids are interested in knowing you.

[TigerMilner]

I came out to my kids when they were old enough to ask me, "Why don't you have a girlfriend". I did explain to them that I had tried not to be gay and that was how I came to be married to their mother. I told my oldest daughter who is a step parent adoption when she was 16 because in the heat of an argument my wife threatened to tell her. So I difused the threat by telling her myself. She has told me since that from that day forward she knew she could tell me anything. Raising the two little ones as a single parent I was not about to live my life in the closet in my own family. They were not really ok with it when I first started dating again. I never exposed them to the revolving door that is the typical gay relationship. I didn't introduce them to men until it got to at least 4-5 dates. Topdawg is the only man from my porn career that they have met and of course they had no idea we were #1 on xtube at the time. I've never moved a man in. This one particular fuck buddy that my daughter asked about is the only one who has been consistent even though I have dated men in the course of the time we've been fucking. Many times part of the thrill with him is that one or both of us has often been cheating on someone else.

 

I made a short snapchat video with my son last night. He has quite a following and is also big on youtube. I realized when he posted it that I just created an opportunity for the dreaded exposure of my online porn career. I doubt his followers watch my videos but I would not be happy to be recognized from that and embarass him. I've created quite the tangled web here. As my son was explaining his followers and subscribers and how to monetize a youtube page I wanted to blurt out "I've had 8 milion views on my blog and xtube!"  lol. But I am holding that back as my defense in case it does come to light. Wow, I've gone off on a tangent.  Life is a trip when you have kids. I highly recommend it.

Edited November 20, 2015 by TigerMilner

[PhoenixGeoff]

I came out to my kids when they were old enough to ask me, "Why don't you have a girlfriend". I did explain to them that I had tried not to be gay and that was how I came to be married to their mother. I told my oldest daughter who is a step parent adoption when she was 16 because in the heat of an argument my wife threatened to tell her. So I difused the threat by telling her myself. She has told me since that from that day forward she knew she could tell me anything. Raising the two little ones as a single parent I was not about to live my life in the closet in my own family. They were not really ok with it when I first started dating again. I never exposed them to the revolving door that is the typical gay relationship. I didn't introduce them to men until it got to at least 4-5 dates. Topdawg is the only man from my porn career that they have met and of course they had no idea we were #1 on xtube at the time. I've never moved a man in. This one particular fuck buddy that my daughter asked about is the only one who has been consistent even though I have dated men in the course of the time we've been fucking. Many times part of the thrill with him is that one or both of us has often been cheating on someone else.

 

So I'm curious:  what would you think if either your daughter or son decided to follow in your footsteps and go into making porn (with or without knowing about your past)?  Or if they started leading a promiscuous lifestyle like most of us here have done?

 

I will gladly cop to a total and complete double standard when it comes to sexual morality for gay men vs. straight men and women.  Behavior that seems normal to me in gay men seems creepy to me with straight guys.  And downright wrong for straight women.  Yeah I've got a double standard when it comes to men and women too...

 

I find it fascinating that you've led the life you have with two kids in the house.  I'm not sure I could do that; I'd probably feel obliged to set my own desires aside for their benefit.  Maybe that's where the double standard comes in for me...having kids (actually or potentially) really changes the calculus when it comes to sex.

 

At some point, they're probably going to find out what you've been up to.  Is that something you dread?  If not, why are you hiding it?

[TigerMilner]

So I'm curious:  what would you think if either your daughter or son decided to follow in your footsteps and go into making porn (with or without knowing about your past)?  Or if they started leading a promiscuous lifestyle like most of us here have done?

 

I will gladly cop to a total and complete double standard when it comes to sexual morality for gay men vs. straight men and women.  Behavior that seems normal to me in gay men seems creepy to me with straight guys.  And downright wrong for straight women.  Yeah I've got a double standard when it comes to men and women too...

 

I find it fascinating that you've led the life you have with two kids in the house.  I'm not sure I could do that; I'd probably feel obliged to set my own desires aside for their benefit.  Maybe that's where the double standard comes in for me...having kids (actually or potentially) really changes the calculus when it comes to sex.

 

At some point, they're probably going to find out what you've been up to.  Is that something you dread?  If not, why are you hiding it?

You raise some interesting points. First, it would depend on why they wanted to do porn and where they thought it might take them as to how I would feel about it. But, I did a better job of raising them than my parents did with me so I doubt that they would go that direction. Then again, I never expected to become a porn star in my forties either lol.

 

You comments about me living the life I've lead with kids in the house and about setting my own desires aside for their benefit requires commentary. First, my two youngest were only 5 & 6 years old when I became a single dad. I was also dealing with cancer at the time. Focusing on them, and their loss, was my number one priority. I became a stay at home dad so that I never had to send them to day care. They were my life. That first five years I went without sex completely. Five years. So yes, I've put my own desires aside for their benefit anytime and everytime it was necessary. To look at my internet personae would give a different impression, but that is just about getting men off. It's not a biography. I'm a damn good dad and I've got three amazing human beings as proof of that. My kids are awesome people. I believe they are who they are because I raised them with unconditional love and acceptance. They have never known neglect.

 

I started dating men again when they were in middle school. Not recklessly or in a promiscuous way. At least not that they ever could see. Oh sure I'm a total slut in the bedroom, but kids don't want to know that about their dad. I've relaxed a bit, maybe too much, since they have been in college. I mean they are adults now. But I realized recently that I must be more discrete for the simple fact that I don't want to set an example for them of being promiscuous. At this point they think its funny and cool that dad is hot, but I don't really want them thinking of me that way.

 

As for you question about my fear of them finding out about my porn career, yes I fear that. I never expected it to take off and become what it has. I have people in real life who have known me for years as a committed single dad and who also know my online identity. Some of them think it's awesome, others have asked if I've lost my mind. All I know is that I just don't want it to hurt them. I do not want to shock them. I don't think they would actually watch my videos, I mean who wants to watch their dad have sex? I just hope that if they do ever find out, that they will just be impressed by the success I've had with it. And I will position it as an erotic art experiment, and hopefully they will just roll their eyes at me and go on. It's my siblings I worry more about finding out. My kids will love me no matter what.

 

I also fear what it might do to my real career. Do people want to buy art from a porn star? It could ruin me. Then again, it didn't hurt Andy Warhol or Jeff Koons. Who knows, it just might be the thing that makes me valuable. I don't know. I'm just along for the ride to see where it takes me. And having a blast.

Edited November 27, 2015 by TigerMilner