Dominance - Questions for Bottoms and Tops

[barecubtop]

So...I'm wondering if I'm "too nice" of a top.  This evening I was chatting with a guy that I've fucked a few times before, and I asked if he'd had any good fucks lately (secretly hoping it would lead to him coming over tonight, but it didn't work).  He said he had met this bigger hairy guy that was a great top.  So then I asked what made this top a great fuck.  My bud said "Bigger and stronger than me, hairy, takes control, a little verbal."  I then said something like "well maybe I need to work on being more dominant" and my buddy assured me that he thought I was fine...yet I haven't had his ass in months, so....  A couple other recent fucks come to mind where I got the impression the bottom wanted me to be aggressive/controlling than I was, so I haven't heard back from them since.  My bathhouse fucks are a little different, I go in there with more of a NSA/"not going to see them ever again" kind of attitude and I can get into more of a "fuck and go" mindset.

So...here's a couple questions:

For the bottoms:  I realize most of you bottoms on this site (and other BB sites like BBRTS) are actively wanting "used" and "dominated", but is that the only kind of sex that you enjoy?  Do you always want your top to just pound the hell out of your hole, talk down to you and demean you, and not care whether you're in pain or enjoying it?  Or are there times when you can enjoy a fuck where it's still a top fucking you (and you're both enjoying it) but there's no explicit dominance involved?  Is the latter kind of fucking only reserved for regular fuckbuddies or FWB or partners that you're close with?  How do you define a "dominant top", i.e. what does he do to make you feel "used"?

For the tops:  Are you always dominant/controlling/demeaning to all of your bottoms?  Have you run across bottoms that do NOT want to be treated that way? 

For all:  I suppose it comes down to the mindset I mentioned above:  I approach bathhouses in a purely NSA way, but other hookups differently (probably because I'm hungry for connection with other gay men).  How do others handle this?  Most of the guys that want "dominated" tend to be younger, at least in my experience.  Is this a generational thing?  Is porn influencing what our "new" crop of gay boys thinks: that being a bottom is all about being used?

[medicchris12]

for me if im hooking up with random guys then yes pound the hell out of me , but if with fwb or regular fuck buds then take your time and drop two or three loads

[BreedingKinkTwink]

I'm probably an outlier when it comes to this kind of thing, but if I'm on bottom and I want it to be rough, I'll make it rough. For the most part, I'm in sex as an active participant and not somebody who likes to just lay down and get dominated. The exceptions to that are particularly when the session I'm in is about something other than just fucking- toys, stretching, bondage, teasing, anything to that effect- those I can force myself to be passive for. If I want it hard I'll just tell them that I want it to be rough from the onset, and we can have a nice little struggle going while we bang, okay? Or if I like having a chucklefuck -the kind where we chill and have a couple drinks, he sings the Canadian national anthem into my ass, and then we have a screw around- I'll tell a guy that I like to joke around while we're going at it.

As a top, it goes the same way for the most part. I don't like idle bottoms unless I'm just working on stretching them out or teasing. Power bottoms and guys who really get into it are more my kind of thing, and if they want something other than what I'm giving them I'd expect a nudge in the right direction. Don't like bites when I'm tonguefucking you? Say 'ouch'. Like nailstripes down your back? Say 'fuck yeah'. If I don't get any hints that I can pick up on, I'll just keep doing whatever feels right.

 

For the most part, I think it's mostly about people wanting their partners to pick up on nonverbal queues. Which, for most people is downright impossible since nobody can really jump into another's mind and instantly know what they want. Some are easier to pick up than others (like when you're fucking a guy slow and he reaches back around to try and pull you faster) even if they don't specifically mention it.

 

Whether that's something that's more particular to one age group than another, I'm not sure. Possibly influenced by amateur porn in particular since people only tend to make the good fucks with genuine chemistry or pre-planning public... Or maybe it's a fight club-esque renaissance of submission in life, where lacking something to force them down they find somebody to do it for them. Something like "We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact." ... Though to be honest, I don't think that's entirely a millennial outlook.

 

But, that's just me and my filthy opinions!

[bbaremich]

Personally, I love being submissive and being used as just a hole when I bottom. I like a top to be rough with me and treat me like I am “less” than them. This is especially true with my bbrt hookups and most of my grindr hookups. 

Sometimes, like with twinks or inexperienced tops, I know they won’t be very dominant and I am OK with that. In the end, they are just another top to add to my list and another load to take. ?

I think it’s important to listen to the non verbal and verbal cues that occur during sex as well as to gauge the bottom’s kinks and turn ons before you actually hookup. If they like to be dominated, then sway toward that. 

[Guest FriendlyBottom]

My $0.02 is that I like a top man to truly be himself, approach me with confidence (but not false bluster) and let his authenticity come through in his words and actions.  

I’m a grown-ass man and I can state clearly what I want if the non-verbal cues aren’t cutting it or if the top’s words or actions indicate we are different wavelengths.  

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don’t say it meanly.  And then fuck me the way Jesus would.

[NLbear]

Difficult to answer. In my daily life I'm not submissive at all. I too much like to be in control of everything. In the bedroom I (usually) consider myself an equal partner of the top. It takes two to tango and I make sure I get as much fun (being the bottom) as the top is having. BUT, I kinda like it when the top takes control and tells me what to do or makes me do things (within my limits) and he gets verbal. That doesn't mean he needs to get all dominant and "degrade" me. I don't think I'm a very submissive bottom as many here state they are. I never let a top do things to me that I absolutely do not want in the heat of the moment.

I like fucks (like you describe) where there is no dominance and we both enjoy what we're doing. Those usually are the best fucks. But I don't mind being pushed around a little and told by the top what to do, understanding that this part of the "play", and it turns him on without it becoming a dominant top "using" a bottom only for his own pleasure. I have one fuckbuddy who just wants to get off and uses my hole for that but he is never dominant or degrading. I let him because he's an excellent top and makes sure I get at least one load every week ;-) My other FB is my "equal" and he gets off seeing how what he does with his dick turns me into a total fuck slut. He loves seeing me squirm and begging. He's the one I always look forward to having around.

With random guys you sometimes don't know how it will go. Some are lame tops, some turn out out to be very abusive. The latter ones won't get a second chance. Some tops fuck for hours and some dump a load in two minutes. Best is somewhere in between. Guess the same goes for tops. You don't know if the bottom turns out to be a very active one or just lays there like a sack of patatoes. Everyone has a preference. Mine is an equal partner and if he gets a little verbal and pushes me around a bit and tells me what to do without becoming overly dominant I'm a happy bottom!

[ErosWired]

Barecubtop -

These are deep waters. There is a big difference between the BDSM world and the vanilla world when it comes to answering a question about Dominance and submission in male-male sexual relationships. Part of the difficulty lies in the overlap of terms. “Dominance” and “submission” take on enhanced meaning in the BDSM subculture, but the words, as regular words, are indispensable in describing the peculiar dynamic of homosexuals functioning within a binary sexual system.

You’re not going to get the same answer from a vanilla bottom as you would a BDSM submissive - that is, you might get a similar take sometimes, but from the BDSM submissives it’s likely to be more consistent.

These issues are too complex to try to explicate in a post response, but if you’d like to email me with questions you have, I can try to give you some more depth. I spent five years as an owned submissive.

[rawloadstaken]

6 hours ago, barecubtop said:

For the bottoms:  I realize most of you bottoms on this site (and other BB sites like BBRTS) are actively wanting "used" and "dominated", but is that the only kind of sex that you enjoy?  Do you always want your top to just pound the hell out of your hole, talk down to you and demean you, and not care whether you're in pain or enjoying it?  Or are there times when you can enjoy a fuck where it's still a top fucking you (and you're both enjoying it) but there's no explicit dominance involved?  Is the latter kind of fucking only reserved for regular fuckbuddies or FWB or partners that you're close with?  How do you define a "dominant top", i.e. what does he do to make you feel "used"?

 

For me, it varies.

If I have a steady FB, or I'm in a FWB relationship, I like everything from slow penetration and hours of sharing one another's body to being forced into the mattress and plowed like a field. In those situations, I don't mind being dominated. I still have some limits -- do NOT choke me unless I'm asking for it right in that moment -- but yeah, use me however you want. By the same token, I enjoy just spending time worshipping his cock, or feeling him eat my hole before he slides in, balls deep, with no overt display of dominance.

On the other hand, if it's a random hookup, a bathhouse fuck, or a gloryhole, I want to be used. I'm not going to see them again, I'm not going to know who they are, and I'm going to enjoy being a hole for their enjoyment. Fuck me like the slut I can be, and sure whore me out, and yeah, have me taking cock long past the time I thought I could, but don't think my creampied ass means I'm less of a man. Dominate me, but don't denigrate me.

And on that note, I don't really like being demeaned. Yes, I'm a bottom, and yes, I will occasionally enjoy filthy talk and being told what a nice hole I have, or how open I am, or how good it feels to have those other two loads coating his cock, but I'm not the sort of person that gets off on being called trash, or worthless, or any other sort of derogatory term.

[CigarBear68]

Easy answer is there is no one answer. It all depends on the two guy's moods. I've enjoyed nice fucks as well as hard fucks. I never want the same thing all the time. You just have to be you. 

Edited February 19, 2018 by CigarBear68
Typo

[ChainedBoy]

On 2/18/2018 at 7:05 PM, barecubtop said:

I realize most of you bottoms on this site (and other BB sites like BBRTS) are actively wanting "used" and "dominated", but is that the only kind of sex that you enjoy?  Do you always want your top to just pound the hell out of your hole, talk down to you and demean you, and not care whether you're in pain or enjoying it?

FUCK. YEAH!  When I’m fuckholeing, this is me 100%.

[tallslenderguy]

Cool topic, some really great replies. I don’t think there’s a standard reply.  I love a D/s dynamic, but the dynamic I love has nothing to do with rough or force or pounding. For me the best kind of power involves mind fuck... a sort of grooming that both are aware of, but the sub just can’t resist because the Dom knows how to play him and evoke submission. 

[bottombottoy]

On 2/18/2018 at 8:05 PM, barecubtop said:

...For the bottoms:  I realize most of you bottoms on this site (and other BB sites like BBRTS) are actively wanting "used" and "dominated", but is that the only kind of sex that you enjoy?  Do you always want your top to just pound the hell out of your hole, talk down to you and demean you, and not care whether you're in pain or enjoying it?  Or are there times when you can enjoy a fuck where it's still a top fucking you (and you're both enjoying it) but there's no explicit dominance involved?  Is the latter kind of fucking only reserved for regular fuckbuddies or FWB or partners that you're close with?  How do you define a "dominant top", i.e. what does he do to make you feel "used"?...

I don't always need to be pounded but I don't like control of what happens. That is, I don't want to direct how I get fucked and would rather that be the tops choice. I am not the sensual type with men. (I am bi so if I wanted the I would have a woman). I think distinction needs to be made here that there is Master/Slave dominance, and then there is also Alpha male dominance the former being what I attribute to "pounding it out and demeaning language". I don't always want that M/S treatment but I never once want to feel equal or in more control then my top. 

[Cumfilledbottomboi]

I’m a cumdump. Of course I like them to be ”dom” and “rough.” I’m totally a submissive boi. However, that being said, I’m still comfortable with the top beeping who they are. Because I want cum.

[subbytch]

On 2/18/2018 at 5:05 PM, barecubtop said:

For the bottoms:  I realize most of you bottoms on this site (and other BB sites like BBRTS) are actively wanting "used" and "dominated", but is that the only kind of sex that you enjoy? 

Wow, thanks for asking this question. Sub bottom — duh! — so I have a small bit of insight into this, even if I’m only speaking for myself. Late 40s here. Have been sub in the bedroom all of my life, but it’s only been in the lat five years that I’ve really been able to explore it with the depth required. I’ve learned over the long term that it’s not about the fuck, it’s about the about the mind fuck. Since our brains are the actual sexual organ, the body — fucking — is just one of the keys available to play that organ. There’s a lot more ways to play.

People enjoy being slapped, fucked hard, and sent home. No names, no connection. I actually think that is the connection, that’s still the mind that’s being fucked with. The anonymity is part of the thrill. It makes a connection where there wouldn’t otherwise be one. It’s great. 

While I’ve done that, it’s so rare that such pure anonymity works. Since so much about being dominated is about letting go, about responding, about getting out of my head and just being in the moment, it’s difficult to do that with some random person I just met. Trust. All the headlines about death and destruction from a hook-up just don’t leave in those situations. Even in a hookup, I still want the domination, but I just remain on guard, because life, you know?

The real fun is with a Fuck Buddy, a Friend with Benefits, or a lover. Someone where there’s some kind of foundation in place on which to fuck around and have fun. In those cases, the fucking isn’t even the key thing. I have one FB who gets “it”, who understands it’s about the attitude and actions across the spectrum, not just the fucking. We can play a video game and, out the blue, he can reach over, push my head onto his cock, and have me choke and gag until he’s done, either by blowing his load, heading home, or us heading on to dinner. 

My other FB now walks in the door, pushes me to the floor, sticks his cock in mouth and pisses…whether he’s there time for sex or he’s just to grab a boarding pass because his printer is on the fritz.  That’s also being used. That also means that when it gets to fucking, and I’m being pounded to within an inch of ecstasy, I have no worries about either of them slapping my face or choking me when we fuck. There’s enough trust there to let go and be.

Like a good little bitch, I still want more, though. Neither of them are friends with a capital “F”.  I’m still interested in much deeper friendships with sexual dominance / mind fucking in there. That would be more of fun, exhilaration, and bliss than I currently have. One of my goals.  We’ll see how I do.

As for age and the media’s role in all of this, I wouldn’t agree with your assessment. I’ve met plenty of younger tops who are dominant, especially when they can be so with older guys. I’ve met plenty of younger guys who have no interest in using or being used. It’s fairly vanilla all around. BBRT attracts a particular subset of fuckers. I wouldn’t read too much into it. 

If you aren’t dominant, don’t worry about it. You don’t have any obligation to be. If you like being dominant in a NSA bathhouse way and are interested in being so also IRL, that can be done, too. It takes some work. It helps to find fuckbuddies that are interested in that.  Believe me, I know it takes a bit of work to find what works for you. I’m still figuring it out. I still have a way to go — and you, at least, are getting to it much sooner than I did. :-)

[Guest Upstateguy518]

Most guys want that deep, hard fucking, Especially if they are actively looking for guys to use their hole. If you're a top, Fuck like a man. The bottom isn't gonna break if you wanna get a bit rough with things. If anything he's gonna thank you and beg for more lol.