tallslenderguy

i think you are dead on about guys giving off vibes or hints. When i was married and whoring and cheating on the DL, i had a huge amount of guilt and self hatred for cheating and lying. i felt like i was pretty obvious in so many ways. Not only that, but my former wife knew i was gay before we married, and i told her again after we were married. We were religious, so we had stupid and wrong ideas about what it meant to be "gay." She told me before we divorced that she had considered getting an annulment when i told here about still liking guys a few weeks after we were married. i naively thought she would be my helper in my fight to de-gay myself. So, even armed with that knowledge, and a few STD's along the way, she still did not connect that i was on the DL. i think she knew, but was in denial.

i don't think i have ever hooked with anyone from Grindr, though i have the phone ap and have frequented it enough times. From other discussions on this site, i've come to see hook up sites as regional. I.e., some aps are more used or popular in one region the another. Maybe like a bar, guys go to where the guys are? Out of 1000's? of hook ups i can count on two hands the number of times i have been asked for money. Like others have noted, doesn't seem any of us has a problem with someone selling sex, but being up front about it would be more professional. i guess i can see from the perspective of a guy wanting to avoid arrest or entrapment waiting till the last minute to mention money? idk, that's a stretch for me because vice cops lie and use deceit to entrap, so it wouldn't seem a deterrent to me? Mostly, it just seems deceitful, trickery for the trick? Personally, i'd rather go without than pay for sex. For me, sex is more than physical, it's about shared mutual desire as well. i really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Sex for money isn't about connection, it's about money. Which is fine if all parties are informed and onboard, but paid sex is not for me.

i so appreciate this. i wonder at the number of guys who expect mind reading or unconsciously believe they can do it. i think that is immature and inconsiderate at best. All my profiles on hookup or dating sites are long and detailed, so anyone who can or will read, knows something about me right up front. Then, before hooking, i will communicate as much as the other will allow before getting together. i am always bemused by guys who, essentially, have a non profile. Some of my favorites are profiles that read: "looking for fun" or a variation on that, as if that informs the reader of what constitutes "fun" for this guy? Worse is the guys who you try to engage and communicate with before even getting together and they say something like "i just go with the flow" or "lets get together and see what happens." Then you get together and discover you're both Tops or both bottoms or___________. Yeah, i agree, compatibility can be elusive, especially when looking for more than a hook up. But i usually have success hooking with guys who are open and communicative. It's the "ask me" guys that are usually closed books or afraid to say what they want... or don't know. i love your blow torch analogy. A guy tweaked my tits (hard) once without asking if i was into pain/force and he ended up on the floor. i don't respond well to force at all, and i have a fair amount of sub in me.

i'm big on compatibility. i never want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, nor do i want to make anyone do anything. my connection with a guy is symbiotic, both of our needs and desires feeding the others. That can be challenging with an inexperienced guy who may not yet know what he wants or needs. But if you take him at his word and the only impediment to him rimming (or wanting to rim) you is drying your sweaty ass, then how hard is that? Why not keep a towel nearby and dry it. If it turns out that he's got some sub in him, maybe he want's to be pushed... but that is trickier in my view. i don't literally think anyone should be truly 'forced' to do something without consent, and it can be hard know whether to push someone who wants that vs pushing someone when only you want that. Not always sexy or spontaneous, but i think communication is key. Not everyone wants or responds well to being "pushed," so i think it's important to know, or at least have a sense of the persons wants/needs before pushing.

i think you have lots of good input here. i agree with those who think there will be fewer guys into nullo than not. One thing i didn't see mentioned is where do you live? i think that'll make a difference. Bigger cities are going to give you more guys in general and increase the numbers of guys potentially into nullo, just to go continue with BootmanLA's gradeschool math theme, it's a numbers game. Chances for sex increase with numbers of guys wanting to fuck.

lmao... i think it's funny, that the guy is being ironic. i also suspect those who think it a "power pose" are prolly right too, since he has a pic and the one thing he does fill in is he is "athletic" and his stats. i wouldn't respond either way, Adonis complex is a total turn off to me, i don't give a fuck (literally) how good looking one is. If a guy is that turned on by himself, he should be content to fuck himself.

No appeal in driniking my own piss. For me, a Tops piss is almost as potent as His cum. i have a psychological distinction in me between what comes out of my body and what comes out of a Tops, even though i know cognitively it's all urine. His is "piss," and comes from "cock," mine is just pee and waste. i do know a Dom/Top who likes to piss in me and then drink my pee, using my body to "distill" His piss. i find that really hot. It's not the piss i enjoy, it's Who it's from and what it means to drink His piss... and that would be straight from His cock.

it depends. i'm single, but i'm wired bottom with some sub thrown into the mix. Like others, if i don't cum, i get anxious, but that "anxious" for me can be channeled into my anxious need/desire to please a Top/Dom. i will edge to raise that anxious feeling and a savvy Top can use it to keep me in a ready state to please Him. Though it feels good to cum for me, i also experience disappointment loosing that edge and need to please for a little while. i vary where i will be cumming several times a day to edging and not cumming for 10 days or so... depends on who i am interacting with and the dynamic.

i think you make some good points. i see what you mean by the obligatory implication. Sort of akin to sending a "hi" or "wassup," where the writer puts the weight of a conversation on you. i also appreciate BootmanLA's observation of the obviously unread profile. It pisses me off when someone with no profile or pics asks to see my pics or asks me questions i've already answered in my profile.

i think the comparison between a "flasher in public" and someone "unlocking a bunch of rude pictures" (what constitutes "rude"?) on an electronic hook up site doesn't really work? Your avatar pic here is pretty flashy, and this is a discussion forum, not really a hook up site. Why is it "rude" for a guy to send you "a bunch of nude pics" on a gay site and not rude for you to have a nude avatar?

Andrew Scott, the Irish actor who plays Moriarty in the BBC’s series "Sherlock." Totally hot, and i am into cerebral, psychological stuff. Turns out he's gay too lol.

me too. i get it though (i think). i think the "negativity' often comes from guys who are tired of not having their profiles read. Kind of a bitch slap to a perfect stranger, an attempt to dissuade the 'wrong' guy. The effect if has on me is to question myself and wonder if it's possible to make the grade under the microscope?

LMAO. Brilliant!

^^^This^^^ i have long thought that one of the reasons many guys profiles are so short is they assume people already know who and how they are, it doesn't even occur to them that they have to tell people what they think and feel. It's egocentricity similar to the ethnocentricity that doesn't think, just acts as though everyone is as they are.

Nah, i don't think you want to disrespect anyone. i think sometimes we just say things on auto pilot and we don't know how it affects, in this case, black people? For instance, imagine someone writing a thread title: "Not answering my yellow owner," or "Not answering my brown owner," or "Not answering my white owner." We don't ever see stuff like that, weird how sometimes we make a point of it with blacks? Not trying to point the finger at you, just speaking generally about how we single "black" out sometime? i've written about what it means to me to be a bottom, and about "cumdump" here, on page 2. i've written tons on the topic, and no, you are no where near "the only bottom around here who [has] higher expectations...." There are quite a few Tops and bottoms who have written lots of thoughtful comments on this topic all over BZ, they may not all be reading or responding to your thread. So, no, you're not alone <3. I don't understand why you refer to this man as your "owner?" i didn't see where He says He formally owns you and you became His? In the BDSM community, there are couples that are Master/slave where they have actual written contracts of "ownership" and real "collars," etc.. Am guessing you are not referring to something like this? i'm guessing that you are more reflecting on your self and your feelings, which i think is great. i'd suggest you check out BDSM communities where there is some serious discussion about ownership? The Cage is one of my favorite because there is a core group of serious people there. Unfortunately, it's mostly straight, but a lot of the topics of Dom/sub, etc., have things in common. i get the mixed feelings. Though i am not you, there is a certain kind of degradation and humiliation that excites the hell out of me. i call it "affectionate degradation," as opposed to rough, mean, forceful, bullying. The former 'collars' and turns me on, the latter shuts me down. And i have experienced Doms who are my counter point, who love the mind fuck of affectionate, subtle grooming and control and hate force or bullying. There are so many variations out there. i think it is important to first know your self and know your needs/wants, then look for someone who is your opposite. i look for symbiosis in relationship. i despise quid pro quo, i don't think it's sustainable.

"Sigh" indeed. i thought exactly the same thing, i.e., that he is "likely thinking to himself, “These apps suck, nobody ever hits on my profile” and spends his day in sexual frustration...."" This particular guy didn't strike me as a "bot or a scam" (though they too abound), just as clueless. [laughing]. No, i "did not help him cum." i didn't want to do the teeth pulling. i imagine he was a bottom or versatile, not really looking to cum at all but wanting to get fucked or suck cock. But who knows? That's information he chooses not to divulge? It's weird to me that these guys don't catch on how they can save time by using their profile to pre qualify and weed out the guys who are not a match? The part that really cracked me up is "looking for like minded people" but doesn't catch on that he needs to share a wee bit of his mind in order for that to happen? And what the fuck is "adult activities?" Shuffle board? Wine tasting? Opera? Voting? Drinking? i think a lot of guys just assume people will know what they want, it doesn't occur to them that they have to actually be more specific? What i suspect is they are afraid and ignorant. They are used to someone else carrying the ball for them? It's hard for me to imagine they get much of anything, especially since it seems 90 percent of the app population seems just like them? i wonder if they respond to profiles like theirs?

i will include some app-speak at times, depending on who i am writing to, but use it inclusively vs exclusively. i'm a healthcare worker, we communicate using abbreviations and acronyms all the time. Like yourself though, i love words and their power to affect. Unfortunately, i think 'it' has already taken hold with a large chunk of the population? Just this morning i had an exchange with a guy on "Squirt." He sent me a "chat" message: "help me cum pls. I'm mobile." i immediately went to his profile to get some idea of who was hitting on me and: no picture, position: rather not say. It did have his age, height and weight, that he was gay and caucasian. In the message portion he wrote: "Looking for like minded people for adult activities." Into: "sucking, jerking, party & play." That's it, the rest was blank. Normally, i'd just ignore something like this, but i responded in an email: "There is absolutely no snark intended by this email, i'm genuinely trying to help you. Your profile has virtually nothing in it about you, no picture, few to no words, nothing of your self? You say you are "looking for like minded people," but then, there is nothing of your "mind" in your profile? You are essentially asking guys to connect to the invisible man? You sent me a chat message asking me to "help me cum pls," but when i read your profile i find no-one there?" He replied: "Not sure what the deal is .sorry. I'm 5ft7 179 lbs cut, clean , 6 inch. In (location). I'm mobile" This is pretty much the kind of response i get when i try to explain, that or a very offended, defensive reply, so i usually don't even make the effort.

You 'sound' ambivalent, conflicted, to me. On the one hand, your thread title reads: "not answering to my black owner." my first thought was to wonder why you identify that he is "black?" That comes across to me as disrespectful of the person and regard for the color? At the core of this though, as i see it, you are wrestling with something a lot of subs (and some Doms) do. Trying to conform to an idea or definition, to words, vs using words to describe reality. I.e., many think if you use the word "sub" you are now committed to (their) definition of the word. i think the word "sub' or "Dom" or _____________, is just a starting place, that each has to parse out what that actually means to them. When you use the word "sub" it may mean very specific things, and when He uses the word "sub" it may mean different things. Your definitions may overlap, but they also may be different in areas. To me, relationship is symbiotic, so it makes sense to me to look for enough "overlap" or resonance to build a relationship and sustain it. There are things you clearly like about this Man and there are things you do not. There's often a notion in D/s that a subs needs/desires are not to be considered. And, i guess there are dynamics like that (and even that is a need/want), but it doesn't seem like that is the kind of arrangement you need/want?

i don't know? i do think, as you note, that language is fluid. Maybe that 'fluid' is moving faster and farther because of technology? What i run into is guys who don't use words at all, or as few as they can? i think bbzh may have the right idea, suggesting you put "a photo or two in your profile showing your dream guy." my impression is a lot of guys on apps don't even look at or use words, they just 'communicate' in pictures? So maybe instead of writing profiles, we should be putting picture books together? i love profiles where the guy claims he is "serious" and 'looking for the love of his life," then writes pretty much nothing else. Or only writes: "if you have questions, just ask." LAMO, ask questions based on what? Here's another favorite on a hook up site: "looking for fun." Or: "let's get together and see what happens." my experience has been, more than words losing meaning, it seems nine out of ten guys on gay sites do not know how to use words? Or do not want to? It seems to me that many guys are not self aware, do not know how to articulate their thoughts or feelings, are afraid to be open, or a combination of those factors?

i have a sweet friend on this site who just went through a ridiculous issue with a long time friend he hooked with. Both of these guys have hook up sex with other guys, yet one of them is pissed because he thinks the other one lied about being on herpes meds. The guy told him about 6 times he had herpes, also told him that he had been with two other guys and hadn't been tested since. To my way of thinking, the guy who told him he had herpes (many times) and sex with other guys, went way overboard with disclosure, but hey, he's a sweet, caring guy, who i think takes way more on himself to 'protect' those he hooks with. my feel is, if you are having hook up sex, and you're an adult, you take full responsibility for your self. Especially when both parties are up front about having hook up sex with other guys? Seriously, the ignorance and immaturity it takes to try and guilt or shame someone because of after sex fear of STI's just blows me away. It's 2020, everyone has google, there is no excuse for this kind of ignorance?!? It took me 10 seconds to do a search on HSV meds, they only reduce the risk of transmission by 50% with those who have known infection. One can be contagious and asymptomatic. i could go on, but to what end? To me, if you are an adult and having hook up sex, you and you alone are responsible for any disease you may catch. i am just floored at the number of guys who still think that since they asked "are you clean" that's valid STI protection, or worse, the guys claiming in their hook up site profile "D&D free, ub2." sigh. sorry, end of rant

i agree with BootmanLA. i'm not sure you're trying to "offload responsibility," as much as you have the deep desire to simply be available and bred by Tops who wanna breed. Common desire among bottoms. Also sounds a little Dom/sub, but even that requires a choice to submit at some point. BootmanLA uses the example of a being fucked with the barrel of a loaded gun..., and no doubt there are some here with that fantasy (though likely few). i have a few fantasies of my own. where i know a Top and he has access to my ass any time He wants. i imagine waking up in the middle of the night to the feel of His cock pushing into me. i love the idea, but rationally i wonder if i wouldn't wake with a start and fighting? IOW, even if i were to establish such a relationship, it would require some trust and knowing each other, and likely some 'training' or 'conditioning where i would respond receptively as i want. IOW, pre given and arranged permission that confers a 'right; of sorts, for Him to slide in any time He wants or needs.

i switched to Biktarvy about 6 months ago and have been tested twice since. Blood work is perfect, also undetectable level is better than it was. i'm happy with it.

i came from a similar religious background, just a different form of fundamentalism. After awhile i realized that it wasn't the belief so much as the fundamentalist approach that was so harmful. i read the Ayaan Hirsi Ali's autobiography "Infidel," and was struck by the similarities between fundamentalist Islam and fundamentalist Christianity. "Educated" is another remarkable read by Tara Westover. And yeah, science. One of the things i love about an honest scientist is the conclusion is never absolute. Maybe enough to make decisions, but in an infinite universe, we only know and see in part, no matter the approach. i find communities like this one to be great places to talk and reflect. Sure, there is every sort of person here, some who want to tell you their version of the 'absolute truth' lol, but there are also some wonderfully honest, open, insightful guys here (those are the ones i fall in love with). i think what you are doing here is not to be discounted. Even though there is no guarantee that the feedback you will get will all be what you need or right for you, but i find it noteworthy that the anonymity also provides a sort of safety for you to discuss things you don't feel free to discuss with a 'pro.' i think part of what you get from a therapist is a different perspective, hopefully safe and non judgmental, but that isn't always the case, eh? Here, you feel safe enough to say things you don't feel quite safe saying to a therapist. You'll get different perspectives, but you still get to choose what resonates and what doesn't. It already sounds like you are working out what you want and what you don't... of course, the world doesn't always align with our wants/needs, which can be another challenge.

That sounds healthy to me. Fuck shame. It can take time to distance and work through and past that conditioned response, so i think you are smart to not make yourself vulnerable unless you know you are safe. Our instincts and fears can be good things, eh? i personally like to know why i am feeling the way i do, but feelings can be protective either way. They can also keep us trapped in things like "wacko... religion," or under some authority who manipulates feelings, so it makes sense to me to look to understand our feelings.

For me, poz or neg was hardly ever a consideration. Oh sure, i thought about it. There were times i feared getting pozzed, but those thoughts and fears pretty my never stopped me from pursuing Men or from bending over and taking a Man and His load deep. The need and drive for a Man and His load inside of me pretty much won out over any other consideration. i don't think sex is rational, it's an emotional and physical drive. Which is not to say i'm irrational or that i never thought about it, just that my rationale didn't decide for me. And honestly, i don't think those who don't bareback are just being rational, i think it is fear making the decision (which is fine, i don't see fear or lust as inferior or superior, just what is). Rationally speaking? Those who "insist the they're neg" are usually just deluding their self. Seriously, how did you ever truly ensure the guys who bred you were negative? i know, there are all sorts of methods, but none is fool proof, and most come down to taking the tops word for it, which is no insurance at all lol. i think reality is, you "took the plunge" the first load you took and you are now just realizing it.