tallslenderguy

i agree with BootmanLA. i'm not sure you're trying to "offload responsibility," as much as you have the deep desire to simply be available and bred by Tops who wanna breed. Common desire among bottoms. Also sounds a little Dom/sub, but even that requires a choice to submit at some point. BootmanLA uses the example of a being fucked with the barrel of a loaded gun..., and no doubt there are some here with that fantasy (though likely few). i have a few fantasies of my own. where i know a Top and he has access to my ass any time He wants. i imagine waking up in the middle of the night to the feel of His cock pushing into me. i love the idea, but rationally i wonder if i wouldn't wake with a start and fighting? IOW, even if i were to establish such a relationship, it would require some trust and knowing each other, and likely some 'training' or 'conditioning where i would respond receptively as i want. IOW, pre given and arranged permission that confers a 'right; of sorts, for Him to slide in any time He wants or needs.

i switched to Biktarvy about 6 months ago and have been tested twice since. Blood work is perfect, also undetectable level is better than it was. i'm happy with it.

i came from a similar religious background, just a different form of fundamentalism. After awhile i realized that it wasn't the belief so much as the fundamentalist approach that was so harmful. i read the Ayaan Hirsi Ali's autobiography "Infidel," and was struck by the similarities between fundamentalist Islam and fundamentalist Christianity. "Educated" is another remarkable read by Tara Westover. And yeah, science. One of the things i love about an honest scientist is the conclusion is never absolute. Maybe enough to make decisions, but in an infinite universe, we only know and see in part, no matter the approach. i find communities like this one to be great places to talk and reflect. Sure, there is every sort of person here, some who want to tell you their version of the 'absolute truth' lol, but there are also some wonderfully honest, open, insightful guys here (those are the ones i fall in love with). i think what you are doing here is not to be discounted. Even though there is no guarantee that the feedback you will get will all be what you need or right for you, but i find it noteworthy that the anonymity also provides a sort of safety for you to discuss things you don't feel free to discuss with a 'pro.' i think part of what you get from a therapist is a different perspective, hopefully safe and non judgmental, but that isn't always the case, eh? Here, you feel safe enough to say things you don't feel quite safe saying to a therapist. You'll get different perspectives, but you still get to choose what resonates and what doesn't. It already sounds like you are working out what you want and what you don't... of course, the world doesn't always align with our wants/needs, which can be another challenge.

That sounds healthy to me. Fuck shame. It can take time to distance and work through and past that conditioned response, so i think you are smart to not make yourself vulnerable unless you know you are safe. Our instincts and fears can be good things, eh? i personally like to know why i am feeling the way i do, but feelings can be protective either way. They can also keep us trapped in things like "wacko... religion," or under some authority who manipulates feelings, so it makes sense to me to look to understand our feelings.

For me, poz or neg was hardly ever a consideration. Oh sure, i thought about it. There were times i feared getting pozzed, but those thoughts and fears pretty my never stopped me from pursuing Men or from bending over and taking a Man and His load deep. The need and drive for a Man and His load inside of me pretty much won out over any other consideration. i don't think sex is rational, it's an emotional and physical drive. Which is not to say i'm irrational or that i never thought about it, just that my rationale didn't decide for me. And honestly, i don't think those who don't bareback are just being rational, i think it is fear making the decision (which is fine, i don't see fear or lust as inferior or superior, just what is). Rationally speaking? Those who "insist the they're neg" are usually just deluding their self. Seriously, how did you ever truly ensure the guys who bred you were negative? i know, there are all sorts of methods, but none is fool proof, and most come down to taking the tops word for it, which is no insurance at all lol. i think reality is, you "took the plunge" the first load you took and you are now just realizing it.

Congratulations on escaping a "wacko religious environment." Speaking from experience, i know that can be a complex process. As far as talking to a therapist is concerned, i think they can be very helpful and i also think they can cause damage. i think, in large part, that depends on the one getting the 'counseling.' i think the purpose of counseling is to optain self knowledge. We discover who and how we are in self reflection and in relationship with others (i.e., seeing our reflection in them). A challenge is, none of us is a perfect 'mirror,' so none of us reflects perfectly. i see a therapist as a trained 'reflector,' and a 'good' one should give you a clear reflection of who and how you are. i believe part of what turns a religious environment "wacko" is people looking for an authority to tell them 'the truth,' and those who think they are an authority on 'the truth.' i've seen a lot of people leave religion (or atheism), only to transfer the disposition that got them there to the next authority or 'ism.' To me, a question is: "why did you feel hesitant about telling your therapist about bareback and taking loads?" To me, his job is to reflect you, help you understand who you are , and in this case, help you understand more about your desire to bareback and take loads. i do not think his job it to be an authority in your life and tell you this is 'good' or 'bad.' Not saying he is btw. Your hesitance could just be a reflection of fear on your part, which to me would be a great insight to get from therapy.

i used to be a cum dump, and still can be depending on my Top. For me sex has evolved into my connection with the Top and the more and deeper connection (physical, mental, emotional) the better. Ideally, my Tops orgasm and pleasure becomes mine. i relate to my penis as a sort of (but not a) "clitoris." i hesitate to use that word because this is not about identifying as female or wanting a clit or vagina. i have neither. Psychologically i'm wired somewhere between, anatomically i'm all male. Psychologically i see the cock as an organ for penetrating, influencing, inseminating, breeding, etc.. It's not just that it is, but how it is used. The sex partner who attracts and connects with me most is the total Top, or guy who is in a Total Top frame of mind and emotion when having sex. i used to be married to a woman, so i have a lot of experience (albeit with only one woman) with mixed geneder sex and female anatomy. As a gay guy, i was sort of a sub top for my wife and became really good at giving her physical pleasure. She had a couple of distinct pleasure centers, her clitoris and g-spot. The first is external, the second internal. i could make her cum multiple times using either, but if i was giving her clitoral stimulation and she would start orgasming, she would literally beg me to penetrate her. I.e., she could orgasm multiple times clitorally, but was driven to be penetrated. i see myself as similar. i can be stimulated using my penis, definitely works for edging and keeping me horny, but psychologically i am driven to be penetrated and bred by my Top. Over time, that has turned into being much more psychological along with the physical. For me, cum dumping with multiple strangers is a sort of watering down of the bond i can get with fewer or a Top who is also in the same type of psychological mode i am talking about, just from a different place (I.e., from the Top vs the bottom). He may be in a place where He wants to breed me via a gang bang, or His hand, or a dildo, or_____________, but i and connecting with His drive, need, desire as well as what He is using to fuck and breed with. E.g., in a gang bang that He controls, i see and connect with Him doing all the breeding, that He is using the others like dildos. So, having an orgasm for me is just different. ideally, like my former wife, i am driven to be penetrated and bred, even though stimulation of my penis feels good and i can orgasm that way, there is something about it that is disappointing, mainly the lessening of my edge and heat to be penetrated. Psycologically i want my Top to be in charge of my orgasm and not cum till He is ready for me too. It takes time to recover and restore the ability to orgasm, so the Top who takes it, owns it for at least awhile. With a Top i have a connection with that is a different experience than it is with a random stranger who is just using me for a cum dump. To me, that person is a sort of on parallel with me (cum dumper?) and doesn't really have the place or position as my Top to make me cum, it's just not as powerful. There's a sort of ownership status that goes along with it that is missing for me if i am just being an anonyomous cum dump.

Something i noticed the other day when a Top wanted me on my knees so He could face fuck me was my gag reflex seemed a lot more active? Frequent cocksucking helps me with skill and being able to take a cock in my throat, like the ass hole, it helps keep the throat open, or at leastconditioned, for taking cock. i gagged a lot and teared and my nose ran while He was face fucking me... but i still totally loved Him.

Yeah, i think about it and want it all the time, but not pregnant with a baby. For me a big part of the Top/bottom dynamic is the psychological differences. To me, what defines a Top is the drive/need/desire to put and leave a part of Himself in a bottom. For instance, to me, a Top opening and chaniging my hole is a form of impregnation. Impregnation is one of the reasons why i am so attracted to WS. When a Top pisses inside of me and i hold it in and absorb a lot of it, i am impregnated by Him. It is so evident that i am impregnated by Him when i pee because i can smell His piss in my pee. i love the idea of having a Top who always pisses in me with the intent of keeping me always "pregnant."

Wow, just found this thread and read through all the posts. i'm glad that nothing on BZ is out of bounds, save what's illegal in order to preserve its existence. my overall take is i don't ever want to silence, lock someone out or isolate them. my moral/ethical base is whether or not the persons involved have given informed consent, which is a complex topic on its own. While we may have to follow laws or social norms to 'survive,' i can't imagine any informed gay person believing that just because something is a common social standard or law, that it makes it okay or morally right. Many of us here grew up in a time when gay people were arrested (waves hand) pretty much for being gay. Many were treated as "sick" or "broken" or "sinful" (waves hand again). That was a torturous time of life for me, and i'm not masochist, so i didn't enjoy it. Those attitudes stole, imprisoned, a big piece of my life. i went through "reparative therapy" when i was trying to de-gay, and it was continuously suggested that i had been molested by my brother who was 13 years older than me and gay. He never touched me sexually that i can remember, but it's a rationale that so called 'reparative therapists" used (methods that have since been debunked and ostracized) to try and explain why people are gay. Fuck that. i don't relate to connect to some of the stuff i read on BZ, but i know that's just a reflection of who and how i am, not something i can elevate to a universal standard or impose on someone else. That would violate my standard of informed consent to impose my standard on another. i was married and have a couple of sons. i cannot imagine having or wanting to have sex with them. i never wanted to have sex with my brothers or dad. i did, however, discover my anus at around age 8 or 9 when a neighborhood boy i had a crush on showed me an enema nozzle and explained what it was for. We never did anything together, but i eroticized what he told me, even at that age, went home, found our eneman nozzle and it became my first dildo. At that age, i did not have understanding or knowledge of sex, but i had enough of inclination to do that lol. Who knows where it would or could have gone given the opportunity and knowledge? The closest i come to incest is i had (have?) a crush on my cousin. He was a year older than me and we played together frequently from about age 10. Nothing sexual, but i definintey had sexual feelings for him, just the kind a kid could have without much knowledge or understanding. When i was 14, i lived with his family for about half a year, they had a small house and i had to sleep in a sleeping bag beside his bed. The control to his electric blanket was right next to me and i would turn it up to high hoping he would throw his covers off as he slept so i could see his body. i could easily have had consensual sex with him at that age, and to this day wake up from sexual dreams about him with us both back at that age.

Turns out we are not the only ones writing about and discussing this. Here's an article on the subject from In Magazine What’s The Deal With Grindr Flakes?

i'd take your scenario over mine any day. i am a retainer and am always disappointed when a Tops cum leaks out, which it will inevitably do if not planted deep as you describe. i'd much rather absorb than smell His seed. This guy cums a couple of times in short order, enough to wear i was still leaking 12 hours later, but that doesn't happen when it's planted deep.

Like many, my sex life went to zero (or just online chat and masturbation) back in March. i think i got my first re-load in June, when social distancing started to ease a bit in my state. And that wasn't anonymous, but with a FB. Since then, it's only been with a FB... and now, with a new FB i made a few weeks ago, so that would have been my first anonymous. All of those encounters have been at my house, so exposure is 1:1. i have not been to an ABS since the outbreak, and likely won't knowng the numbers are higher and, thus, the risk of exposure is higher too. i also usually go to a gay resort in Palm Springs a couple of times a year, and did not go this spring. i've noticed the resorts are starting to get active again, so considering maybe this fall, but not sure yet because the same issue of numbers and exposure goes up in that scenario.

Funny how many similarities there are among guys. Yes, it has an almost fishy smell to it. I've noticed the scent gets stronger over time, than when i sniffed it after He first unloaded in me, but the consistency is unmistakably semen.

In my experience, lying, flaking, can cross the populations boundaries. Despite efforts to the contrary (never had a ltr with a guy), most of my sex life has been anonymous hook up. i lost count long ago after 1000. i think the reality is, that as sex aps have become more mainstream, so have the people who populate them. I.e., it's not just the horny gay guys, but Bi guys who are curious, married, closeted, homophobic, kids, etc., etc. I.e., everyone and anyone can easily and anonymously access a sex ap. i don't think that the core gay community has changed so much as the people visiting and (sort of) participating has probably increased significantly. Before online meeting, one had to cruise a park or restroom or bar. There was risk inherent in cruising that many would never take. Online can be virtually risk free. i think the number of flakes, liars and money seekers has increased because there are people on sex aps that wouldn't be there without the opportunity that only a sex ap can bring. When i was cruising, there were times i'd encounter the shy, scared guy who was investigating his sexuality, but it was a lot rarer than online. No one ever asked for gas money because, hey, we were already both there. If they wanted money, they had to be pretty up front about it, and again, that was rare. And re disease or status? i cannot recall ever even discussing that when cruising. If he was concerned, the only common nod to STD's was the question of condoms. If i presented for fucking, some would ask if i had a condom, or they'd put one on. But the vast majority would slide in without hesitation.

woke up this morning with a wet spot on my bed, still leaking cum from 12 hours ago.

Eh, same Latino muscle boy as last time, this is the third time He's contacted me. He always comes a few times and a lot, i and so fucking creamy, my stomach is growling and i refuse to let it out. He is used to being mostly with women, kept asking me what i liked to do. i told him i am total bottom and was enjoying getting fucked. He asked me to suck for awhile , then wanted me on my knees so he could face fuck me. Lol, He's been watching porn i think. i was gagging and tearing, nose running, but took it. He wanted to fuck some more, so i asked Him if He wanted to fuck me with me on my back, legs up. He did, and came again pretty quickly that way. When he was showering, i mentioned that i have another fb who is interested in tag fucking me, also mentioned ws. He didn't know what that is lol, so i explained. He's shy and inexperienced, but kept asking, so i told him those things. i suspect he has fantasies he wants to try and is just hoping i'll hit on it or mind read. Either way, he's a sweet breed. very creamy right now.

lol, That's a scam i have encountered a lot, on all sorts of gay sites. i seems to me that it is one of a few scripts that all scammers seem to read from? At first, it totally cracked me up reading "looking for true love..." on a hookup site. i think the military angle is to justify the distance, these guys are probably scamming from a distant country. It does seem like it may be organized to some degree though, like it's not just some random guys scamming, but a group effort, which is why they all seem to be reading from the same script? Almost like a telemarketing organization.

^^^Haha, that's brilliant. i love this.^^^

This has been scientifically studied lol. Antibiotic prophylaxis does show some promise for preventing some STI's, but it's not a black or white conclusion. This from the Lancet medical journal: "Background Increased rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) have been reported among men who have sex with men. We aimed to assess whether post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) with doxycycline could reduce the incidence of STIs. Interpretation Doxycycline PEP reduced the occurrence of a first episode of bacterial STI in high-risk men who have sex with men." [think before following links] https://www.thelancet.com/journals/laninf/article/PIIS1473-3099(17)30725-9/fulltext

lol, sigh. One thing about most scammers is they seem to think everyone is stupid and that they are somehow the bright ones. i remember the first time someone tried to scam me, i was driving down the street and he literally chased after me with a gas can. i figured him for a scammer, but since he took initiative, i stopped. He asked for money, and i told him i had none, but i gave him a ride to a gas station. So funny, he didn't really want to go out of his way to an actual gas station, but at that point he felt trapped in his lie and had to go along with it.

i think one of the bigger blocks the gay community may have to seeing racism is that many (most?) individually do not want to be racist. i'd wager that most consider racism to be repugnant. i think for most, racism is just another form of ethnocentricity. I.e., a lot of racist notions are culturally programmed in as the 'norm,' with no negative connotation associated by the one who feels it's 'just normal.' i think the gay community could have a leg up on understanding this because, while being gay is not a race, we're a social minority that has been subjected to stereotyping and prejudice. For instance, i do not fit the stereotypes many have for a gay guy, so i have to tell people i'm gay if i want them to know. It also means i often inadvertently fly under the radar. In the break room, if people think they are among all straights, some let their true feelings and thoughts show about 'gay' people, not knowing that the person they are sharing those stereotypes with is gay. They are relating to their idea of a person rather than the actual person. i think that is why so much bias, prejudice, persists. A lot of time we don't see it for what it is because we know we don't want to be prejudiced. But not wanting to be something is not equal to not being that. We can also do reverse bias/stereotyping where our stereotype has what we consider a positive association. We don't think of it aa a stereotype because we have a positive association with it. For example: "Big Black Cock" (BBC). In the gay community, having a big cock is generally a good thing, so many look at the term "BBC" as a compliment, and "hey, i'm not prejudiced, i have lots of black friends." One may have black friends, but does one have friends who happen to be black?

Well, there was a do over after the flood, and the Jewish people (decendents of Shem, son of Noah) didn't arive till later when Abraham purportedly left Ur of Chaldea. It's pretty interesting to compare the "Law of Moses" to the Code of Hammurabi that predated it by about 300 years. Some argue Moses copied it. The notion that God created other people would kinda throw a monkey wrench into Christianity though, either that or the additionally created people would also have to have 'fallen' by eating from the "tree of life" and in order for all to have been born into "sin."

i think it's awesome any time someone finds love and connection. i came out of a very conservative religious background, where i think most of these types of negative rules and attitudes come from, and in many cases became the 'social norm.' When i stepped away from my religious beliefs, it wasn't just rebellion, it was a long process of looking, examine, questioning. What i personally came to was i could discern no 'God" who had made all these rules, but just a bunch of people saying "God" had made these rules. And there's all sorts of holes in their sources. For instance, christianity draws from the bible as an authoritative source. Christianity is a long time source for [banned word] re incest, yet the bible is full of stories of family members marrying family. The story of creation is supposedly God created just Adam and Eve, who had kids... but where did everyone else come from lol. If there was only Adam and Eve to start out, then incest would have had to be the rule 'in the beginning.' Once i left religion, i pretty much lost a lot of my [banned word] boundaries. Basically, i live by a code of do no harm. Religion aside, one of the (major i think) challenges of relationship is compatibility, if you have that with someone you have lived with most of your life, what is the rationale for disregarding that to follow a social norm? The only scientific reason i can see against incest would be the DNA issues, but two guys are not reproducing as a result of sex, so that isn't a factor. As you describe it, i see no "line."

i so agree with You. Often we meet on hook up sites, so our hormones are ramped and we're (usually) all horny. Probably anything all the time would get routine and boring, to me the D/s, Top/bottom dynamic is not so much about always being on, but where we go when we are on. i also agree romantic partners break up when the two fall in love with an idea instead of the person. i think i often get rejected by "doms' because i just don't see it as text book, written in stone way of living. To me, that isn't living, it's conforming to a rule, or idea vs writing our own rules and living out our reality. Sure, we have to know each others basic nature, but that's a foundation to build on, not an already established structure. To me, part of the thrill of it all is the power to evoke and turn on that opposites have with each other, not that they are always and already turned on or evoked. Some of my fantasies revolve around me or my partner being asleep, and one or the other has need and knows they have the freedom with the other to fulfill their need. if im asleep, i'm obviously not "on," but i can easily imagine my Top waking me by pressing His cock into me and whispering into my ear "i want your pussy." Pretty sure He'd turn me on lol. And reversing that, Him waking up to find His cock in my mouth... might have the effect of turning Him on. Both require communication and fore knowledge of the other (an advantage to relationship) where each has learned the other and knows where their 'on' switches are. That doesn't happen in a lot of hook up situations because the communication and knowledge of the other just isn't there. i think when trust is built, then openness and vulnerability are more available (though, sadly, i think a lot of ltr never get there).