Sexually incompatible relationships

[NLbear]

Question for guys in a relationship. 

Sometimes you meet someone who you really connect with and could easily see yourself being in a relationship with only to find out that you really connect on all levels except sex. Meaning you're a total bottom and so is he. Or you're a total top and so is he. Not talking about one of you being vers, just both of you being top or bottom. What do you do? Any guys here who are in such a relationship? Most couples seem to -conveniently- consist of a top and a bottom. But I can't believe "The Guy for You" always happens to be someone who has the opposite sexual appetite and role. 

If you meet someone like that, or if you already have, would you enter such a relationship? And how do you go about the sex issue? Each goes his own way when it comes to getting sex (I do include open relationships in this question. Most guys are not mongamous)? Or play together with a third (or more) all the time? Do you have sex together at all or never? Or would you assume the opposite role just for him in your relationship and start bottoming or topping just for him even though that goes against what you really like? 

I'm curious as over the years I have met some guys I really liked and I could see myself getting more involved with, maybe even start a relationship with (although I haven't really been a relationship type of guy so far) but feel myself pulling back going further because we're not sexually compatible and I think that could become an issue in the end. 

How do/would you handle this?

[travelingbi]

All I can add is that a very loving and emotionally committed relations is possible. For my own example, my now husband and I have been together as a couple for 32 years. We've been legally married for 2 years. We couldn't be a better match in every single instance in our relationship with one exception. And that one exception is a big one. We just don't "click" sexually with each other. We're affectionate. Love each other deeply. Totally devoted to each emotionally. But sexually, it's never worked. We've even stopped having sex with each other many years ago. 
We discussed opening the relationship to have other join us. But, for him, that's unacceptable. What over time, we've finally decided on a "don't ask, don't tell" situation. 
He's jealous if he knows any particulars. I'm not so jealous. In fact, I'd get off watching some hot top fucking my husband. But, what works for us best is to just do our sex play with others, on the side. Our only rule is that this outside play is just that, "play". No other "romantic" relations are allowed. Just NSA sex partners. And that it has to happen in a way that doesn't interfere in our relationship. I do not bring others into our home. I play mostly when I'm traveling for work. When I'm home in Las Vegas, I play with others when it's not taking "our time" away from us. So, I don't leave him home to go play with others. I'll only play when he's out of town or he's at work. 
While I wish we could be more open about it. This is what we've come up with that we can both agree and it works. 
I've had some very long term friends with benefits and fuck buddies. But I just won't take those relationships any further than sex friends.
Each couple has to find their own way to deal with sexual compatibility. Each couple will handle it differently. But, if I were  you, if I found someone that seemed perfect in every way except sexual, I'd work on whatever alternatives you as a couple could invent to make it work. 
Good luck to you!

 

[thkpc]

This is an important topic.  I've been in 2 ltr.  Still in the 2nd one and like travelingbi above my partner and I don't click sexually.  We are committed to each other emotionally and financially and we've been through alot over the past 10 years.   It is frustrating for me not get what I need sexually from him but relationship 101 says u can't change people, they may evolve but not change.

NLBear.  Here is my biggest mistake in each of my relationships.  I was neither honest nor secure in myself.  I hid my needs for fear of rejection and I couldn't accept what I needed for a fulfilling sex life. 

The odds that you and the person you are attracted to are compatible on all elements is nearly impossible.  Have two or three must haves and screw the rest.

 

[tallslenderguy]

Wow, great topic.

I was married for 31 years (to a woman). I've had sex with easily over a thousand guys, but she is the only woman i have ever been with (though there's been plenty of opportunities. We divorced in 2008, but she was the one to ask for the divorce. I have always loved her and still do. For me, sex was not what made us incompatible, if was religion. I spent most of my life trying to change my sexuality and when i finally realized that wasn't going to happen, my religious beliefs changed. Turns out you can choose how you believe (rolls eyes at self). I even thought I might be Bi, but i'm not.

I often joke that being gay saved me from god, but what it saved me from was certain ideas.  I think the reality of being different from the 'norm'  (sexually in this case), is a gift.  Being different has helped me develop an attitude that questions traditional or assumed notions on just about every topic, including relationship. 

I agree with thkpc: "The odds that you and the person you are attracted to are compatible on all elements is nearly impossible."  I looked for a romantic relationship with a guy after divorcing, but it hasn't yet happened, but relational needs go beyond romance.  Even though we traditionally lump them into one relationship, what makes that the 'right' approach?  For instance, there's a lot of sense to having a financial agreement with a person, where you share residence and the costs associated with having a house. Living with someone affords a lot of other relational opportunities too. I know this isn't exactly what you are talking about, just approaching it from the other end. Does love, and even romance, require sex as part of the mix? 

[analluv27]

Well I been living my life with some advice from my dad. He says there's no relationship on this earth that has both parties completely satisfied. One side is either putting in more than the other in one way or form. The trick is while that is going on are you happy with what you're receiving? Especially if you feel your the one doing the most work. My ltr has had it's fair share of ups and downs and admittedly I do creep on the side. But that's due to that fact I occasionally like to suck dick and ride it, yet no inclination for romance or a ltr with a man. 

[FrenchKiss]

Hello

I'm pretty young maybe to speak about very long relationship (I'm 23 yo) but maybe can i give the point of view from someone a bit younger. I have been 2 years in couple with a guy that I love and more our relationship was growing more we felt confortable in each other to ask something we deeper hide (threesome, bathhouse together), we had some great dynamics, even thought sometimes one of us would make a mistake. The problem is when this dynamics broke that our relationship ended but we loved each other so much that even after almost 2 years, we're still good friends.

[NLbear]

Thanks for the responses guys. Seems like my thinking is wrong that long term relationships always include both "setting up house" and sexual satisfaction. Could be either or both. I know that there are couples who get along so great in bed that sex was the main point of getting together but found out later they can't really get along on different levels which causes friction in the relationship. I know a perfect relationship doesn't exist. It's hard work and there will always be things both will never agree on but sometimes the non-sexual aspects/problems of a relationship have their impact of what happens in the bedroom too.

I think my question comes from the fact that I think I have commitment problems. Like being trapped in something you can't fully commit to. And the fact that I don't think I can be in a monogamous relationship. Or maybe because I am promiscuous now (can you be promiscuous as a single guy?) that I can't be faithful to one partner. So I was wondering what I would do if I met a guy who would be my "soulmate" on every level except sex simply because he's also a bottom. If that were the case we could probably make it work if we both could seek sex elsewhere - and be completely happy with that- but be a couple in every other sense. Maybe that would even be a more solid relationship than one based on sexual compatibility but a disconnect on other levels (in the longterm)? 

And I was wondering if there are any guys out there who are in a relationship like that and for who this works? Of course single guys can share their thoughts as well about what they would do when they connect with a guy on many levels except sexual. Love to hear their thoughts on this.

[Cumfilledbottomboi]

I’d love to have a real LTR but I am often most physically attracted to other bottoms. So other than BJs we wouldn’t be too compatible sexually. But maybe One will work. I’ll have to get outta my own way to make it happen. 

[tallslenderguy]

11 hours ago, NLbear said:

Thanks for the responses guys. Seems like my thinking is wrong that long term relationships always include both "setting up house" and sexual satisfaction. Could be either or both. I know that there are couples who get along so great in bed that sex was the main point of getting together but found out later they can't really get along on different levels which causes friction in the relationship. I know a perfect relationship doesn't exist. It's hard work and there will always be things both will never agree on but sometimes the non-sexual aspects/problems of a relationship have their impact of what happens in the bedroom too.

I think my question comes from the fact that I think I have commitment problems. Like being trapped in something you can't fully commit to. And the fact that I don't think I can be in a monogamous relationship. Or maybe because I am promiscuous now (can you be promiscuous as a single guy?) that I can't be faithful to one partner. So I was wondering what I would do if I met a guy who would be my "soulmate" on every level except sex simply because he's also a bottom. If that were the case we could probably make it work if we both could seek sex elsewhere - and be completely happy with that- but be a couple in every other sense. Maybe that would even be a more solid relationship than one based on sexual compatibility but a disconnect on other levels (in the longterm)? 

And I was wondering if there are any guys out there who are in a relationship like that and for who this works? Of course single guys can share their thoughts as well about what they would do when they connect with a guy on many levels except sexual. Love to hear their thoughts on this.

I appreciate you bringing up this topic for discussion, and think you are making great points and asking pertinent questions. This is the coolest online gay community that i participate in. There's some very thoughtful discussions on breeding zone, which is counter intuitive, eh? Most people would probably not figure this as a place for intellectual discourse, which is illustrative of how the 'norm' doesn't necessarily equal correct. 

I think a lot of what could be forever relationships fail because we try to make them something they are not. We push them beyond their limits, and they break.  Which is not to suggest that there is no such thing as the "hard work" you note, but what constitutes pushing to hard to make something fit (that never will) vs hard work? I'm not sure we always objectively delineate between the two. We often seem to approach relationship with a list of ideals, which is destined for conflict with our partners ideals where they do not aline.

Then there's the element of attraction that cannot be fathomed. I had pretty much given up on the idea of falling head over heals for someone as the stuff of Disney movies, but then it happened to me last year. When I consider it, I never would have chosen this guy from a crowd visually, nor would i have chosen him from a resume, but being with him hit some very big buttons in me and I fell hard and fast. It wasn't mutual, but i'm okay with that and pretty grateful that i experienced the feelings. I don't believe in trying to make something happen or fit, to 'win' him over. 

I think you are absolutely right that the non sexual aspects of a relationship can effect the sexual. Some of my best sexual relationships have been with fuck buddies where there was no formal commitment, but the relationship continued from mutual desire. Chances are we weren't even compatible in other areas, but there was no conflict because those other things never factored in.

I think the idea of a relationship with another bottom has it's plusses and minuses.  Two bottoms would understand each other, but would their needs end up conflicting with each other? Would they end up competing for the same guys and end up in conflict that way? It's easier for two tops to share a bottom than two bottoms to share a top, no? 

Really though, relationship can obviously "work."  Have you formulated a list of what you are looking for in a relationship? I know that sounds very clinical and totally unromantic, but i think we compile those lists whether consciously or not. I think it might help find someone if you just put that out there?

 

[bigbear4loads]

Yes this is an interesting discussion.  As for me, my husband and I have been together for 32 years now also.  We are both tops when it comes to fucking and always have been.  It took us a while but we have been able to make the open relationship thing work.  Guess it helps that we are both raving pigs too...........  I will admit that it took some time for each of us to move beyond the jealousy thing to develop our own appetites and kinks. But we knew we loved each other, so it just made sense to figure the fuck thing out. So we have a third join us if the mood strikes and we sometimes go whoring together.  Most of the time though when we want to fuck we are on our own.  Interestingly our only rule is that we have to tell each other when we play others.  Come to think of it we have some hot story times that are as sexually charged as if we were fucking each other. Come to think of it I think it has made me a bit more piggy than I might have been.............  no one wants to come home with a vanilla story.

Oh and whoever said you can't make a partner into what you want was right.  None of us change that much and trying to be top or a bottom when you are not just doesn't work.  Ya gotta be able to go with the flow and adapt yourself. 

 

Edited February 3, 2018 by ramithome

[evilqueerpig]

I went into an open relationship with a fellow vers guy and our only issues at the beginning was that he didn't like to kiss and we couldn't play with others as a couple because he wasn't into men of other races, sexually.  As years passed, I embraced my kinky side while he remained 100% vanilla and after 8 years, he was just a body in bed.  Ultimately, in our 10th year, he did something to betray my trust and that was the end.

[FelchingPisser]

One of the great things about being gay is to create our own rules about love and relationships.  We don’t have to do what the straight world does.  My partner and I had 30 years together before his death.  We were best friends.   We worked together.  We had the same interests.  It was only in the bedroom where we were only sort of compatible.  We were both great cocksuckers, but he hated to get fucked.  I love to fuck.  So, because we loved each other, we had to work out how we could make this work.  Our option was to go our separate ways on set nights.  He loved to hear me tell stories about who I fucked and how.  It often led to sex between us. 

What the particulars of your rules and regulations has to be worked out between the two of you.  But guys who truly love each other are going to want their partner to be happy. 

[NLbear]

Great responses and views. Thanks guys. @tallslenderguy "Have you formulated a list of what you are looking for in a relationship?" No I haven't. But I think you can recognise a soulmate or best friend (as @FelchingPisser says) when you meet him? It would just feel good and if it's mutual it could very well work, apart from the sexual issue. Until now I have been avoiding getting into a relationship. I have been single for so long and love my independence. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. It would be hard to suddenly start taking someone else into account. I have great sex (still) but I do miss someone special to share the non-sexual things in life. 

Sexually it's obvious we would have an open relationship. I know some say two bottoms can have a good time together but that's not my thing and I prefer the real thing. He hopefully too. When I was much younger I would likely be jealous as hell (even though I would also likely be the one to cheat). I think I could handle both a "don't ask don't tell" situation and a "Do kiss and tell" situation now. The latter sounds more like me at this stage in my life. I don't know if we would compete for the same top guys. Maybe sometimes without knowing? Sharing a top indeed sounds unlikely and we may have a different taste in that anyway. But I would love to see him getting fucked. He can be as slutty as he wants in that aspect (I am too) or not at all and be a vanilla homebody, as long he respects that I am and doesn't care I am. Maybe the "hard work" would be not to let our sexual side and exploits affect the other aspects of the relationship. Maybe I am describing an unreal ideal situation. As @ramithome says, you can't make someone into what you want him to be.

[tallslenderguy]

17 hours ago, ramithome said:

Yes this is an interesting discussion.  As for me, my husband and I have been together for 32 years now also.  We are both tops when it comes to fucking and always have been.  It took us a while but we have been able to make the open relationship thing work.  Guess it helps that we are both raving pigs too...........  I will admit that it took some time for each of us to move beyond the jealousy thing to develop our own appetites and kinks. But we knew we loved each other, so it just made sense to figure the fuck thing out. So we have a third join us if the mood strikes and we sometimes go whoring together.  Most of the time though when we want to fuck we are on our own.  Interestingly our only rule is that we have to tell each other when we play others.  Come to think of it we have some hot story times that are as sexually charged as if we were fucking each other. Come to think of it I think it has made me a bit more piggy than I might have been.............  no one wants to come home with a vanilla story.

Oh and whoever said you can't make a partner into what you want was right.  None of us change that much and trying to be top or a bottom when you are not just doesn't work.  Ya gotta be able to go with the flow and adapt yourself. 

 

^THIS^  

This is a perfect example of what i was trying to describe. I think the biggest mistake many gay couples make is trying to emulate straight norms. i don't think it's always conscious, i think many of the 'norms' that we hold to are just unconsciously engrained in us from growing up and living in a culturally/socially straight/patriarchal environment. We try to make reality submit to the standard instead of finding a standard that fits reality. To me, that would be the appropriate "hard work" of a relationship, identifying reality and then creating standards that fit it. So many relationships do the opposite, they set unrealistic standards that are bound to fail because they are "unrealistic."  

[tallslenderguy]

15 hours ago, NLbear said:

Great responses and views. Thanks guys. @tallslenderguy "Have you formulated a list of what you are looking for in a relationship?" No I haven't. But I think you can recognise a soulmate or best friend (as @FelchingPisser says) when you meet him? It would just feel good and if it's mutual it could very well work, apart from the sexual issue. Until now I have been avoiding getting into a relationship. I have been single for so long and love my independence. I can do whatever I want whenever I want. It would be hard to suddenly start taking someone else into account. I have great sex (still) but I do miss someone special to share the non-sexual things in life. 

 

Damn, this is an awesome discussion NLbear, so many great replies, thanks again for starting it.

I kinda tripped over the word "list" even as i was writing it. i agree with you and fetchingPisser about "recognizing a soulmate or best friend when you meet him."  For me that's the mysterious attraction i felt when i "fell head over heals" for a guy after being with Him for one day. It totally violated my sense of reason, but in my mind i was picturing us hand on ass, walking into the sunset. i haven't experienced that very often, if ever, to that extent anyway. And then it turned out to not be mutual lol, but i was still grateful for those intense, romantic feelings. I think this is not as unreasonable as it sounds either, more than 85% of communication is supposedly non-verbal, so just because we haven't put it in words doesn't mean we haven't communicated on some level (this coming from a lover of the pen). 

I should clarify that when i suggested a list, it was more of an exercise of identifying what you are wanting/looking for, not something to put out there in a profile necessarily or even a shopping list. More of an exercise in self awareness and nailing down some of what often just comes out as feeling.  It's a way that helps me get in touch with myself.