Okay, Explain... Flakes

[ErosWired]

Oh my God, it had to have been snowing in Nashville last night - flakes were everywhere.  Against my better judgment (I knew better than this, I have only myself to blame) I agreed to meet a guy for a breeding at a hotel room at a point sort of midway between us - about an hour-and-half drive. He had kept up correspondence over several weeks, sent sample video... I figured, take a chance, he might actually show up.

On my way down I get a message: “Sorry I missed you.” He hadn’t missed me, the fucker wasn’t even going to try, and couldn’t be bothered to get the timing right on his excuse. But again, not really shocked - Mr “Sam Breedswell”, aka rawdigbreeder on BBRTS, is in his mid-20s.

Flaking and ghosting aren’t confined to the twentysomethings, of course, but the practice seems heavily clustered there.

Honestly, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what goes through someone’s mind to make them think to say “OMW” when they have absolutely no intention of moving an inch in your direction (happened twice last night in the space of an hour). Why does someone tell you they’re going to come within a certain time frame, knowing full well that they’re not going anywhere because they have no transportation?

Like I said, this shit mostly seems to happen with the younger set, but the most egregious case I ever had involved two men who came to fuck me at a hotel, got as far as opening the door, and then bolted, leaving the door hanging open. They were both 40 years old. In reply to my incredulous WTF message, they said, “We chickened out.”(!)(!!)

Who raises children to become adults who think behaving like this toward other people is okay? How does a young man square it with his conscience to string another man along for weeks and cause him to spend the cost of a hotel room and the time and effort of a three-hour round-trip drive, and then just blow him off?

Maybe it’s just because I was brought up to be considerate of others that I don’t get this, but their psychology baffles me. I suppose in some cases it may be that a guy gets all wound up in his sexual fantasy talking to another guy online about doing some real thing, and then makes the statement that yes! He’s going to do it! On my way! And then having experienced that heady rush, immediately backs down in the face of reality because the truth is he doesn’t have the courage to follow his desires, or he’s too inhibited, or faces an actual barrier like no wheels. But that still doesn’t change the nature of what the guy does, which is essentially a total lie told to the other person that sets the other person up with a set of false expectations.

The other thing is that the flakes do this without any apparent concern that it makes them appear utterly shitty to the people they offend, and burn every bridge they fail to cross as they do it. Their potential future connections get crossed off one by one as those people block them for flaking. In some communities, I imagine it could damage a reputation.

Anyone have any better insight? I would like to understand what goes on in their heads.
 

Just as an aside, last night I serviced a man who... did not entirely match his advertising on his profile. His profile pic was so out-of-date it was taken with a flip-phone(!), and he had developed an enormous growth on the top of his head. He told me before he arrived that he really looked forward to a lot of ball licking, and then the first thing he explained to me when he took off his pants was that he had a hernia that sometimes descended into his scrotum (as indeed it had now) and he needed a minute to push it back. I could go on, but I won’t, because none of that is the point. The point is that he showed up. In spite of all the potential reasons he could have faced rejection on arrival, he showed up. And I was happy to pleasure him because that man was more of a man than all of those flakes put together.

[kinkysuBB]

I don’t get it either. My favourite to date is the guy who actually did move, sent me status updates about his trip, sent me a live location on WhatsApp so I could see him arrive at the nearest station, told me he was at the station, then blocked me on everything.

[fatb0tb0i]

I logged into bbrt once from a hotel room, found a guy just 200 ft away, staying at the same hotel.  We exchanged a couple of hot messages, I gave him my room number, and he ghosts me. 

Just 200 ft away...  I'm still frustrated over it.

 

[under3st]

I don’t understand it either, but I guess it’s all part of the “game” we play in. 
 

I’ve had several basically state “On my way!” to never be heard from again.  Some even make it all the way to my hotel to just say they can’t get in, or they went to the wrong room, or some other lame excuse, even though the came all they way.  Maybe they chickened out, or maybe they had second thoughts? I’ll never know. 
 

There is one guy that lives close to me...we had set up several times to meet, but our schedules always conflicted.  We finally had an opportunity and he gave me his home address.  He never answered the door or responded to my messages.  After waiting 15 mins, he then proceeded to tell me he got a work call. Fine, but you can text and talk, right?  Either way, gave him the benefit of the doubt. 
 

A week later, we’re able to meet and tells me he’s done with work for the day. I head over. As soon as I get there, no response. I get a response the next morning, “sorry, I fell asleep.”

 

Done. 🙂

Edited January 10, 2021 by under3st

[BlackDude]

I believe 99% of flakes are just holding out for a better option or have an overly inflated opinion of themselves. They’d rather not fuck and hold out for a guy who is “worthy of them. Not saying people have to have no standards, but if I want to be sexually repressed, I’ll get married. 
 

I have little patience online. If your waiting too long to respond, or indicate you’re trying to hook up, but have a bunch of excuses, I block. 

[drscorpio]

I agree with @BlackDude for the most part. I think the other main thing that makes people flake is that there are lots of closeted and semi-closeted dudes on the apps now who are almost but not quite ready to take the plunge. They are turned on by the chat, but they may or may not have the balls to follow through. Even if they do have the stones to pull the trigger, they may chicken out while you (or they) are in transit. 

[BlackDude]

10 minutes ago, drscorpio said:

I agree with @BlackDude for the most part. I think the other main thing that makes people flake is that there are lots of closeted and semi-closeted dudes on the apps now who are almost but not quite ready to take the plunge. They are turned on by the chat, but they may or may not have the balls to follow through. Even if they do have the stones to pull the trigger, they may chicken out while you (or they) are in transit. 

That may be true, especially younger guys. If a guys comes right out and says that, I’ll work with them. But if your over like 35, and openly gay, you know the drill. Hell, if your over 35, and still pretending to be straight, I won’t play games with you online. You like boys, you’re on this app, get over it. Hahaha

[YourNoLimitsBottom]

I get tops that flake as well. Or they change the terms where they start out with "Looking for tonight", and when you contact them and start a conversation, they switch to "maybe next _____". Or they change other terms to get to the point where you are no longer what they are looking for. There isn't much I can do about that.

I do have two hard and fast rules I go by:

1) Only answer ads that I fit the criteria. I don't want questions flying back and forth, I don't have time for it. It pisses me off when someone changes the terms after the conversation starts, I'm not going to do it myself.

2) If I see an ad that I really like and it makes me horny as hell and I want to reply, I jerk off first. And then ask myself if I still am interested. Since I'm a bottom, I didn't really need that load for anything because I am looking for HIS load. And now that I am thinking with "a clear head" (pun intended) am I still horny and interested? If I am, time to throw my reply into the mix!

[bbzh]

I wonder if the pandemic is driving people to flake more than usual? Since the virus has been a thing, I've only met three new guys for sex (and one of them became a regular). All of the sex I've been having is with guys I already know. Even though I'm theoretically open to the idea of meeting up with someone new for sex, I'm not really that committed to the idea. But that being said, I don't flake. I think some of these men really do want to fuck but are feeling afraid and/or guilty about hooking up in a pandemic. My ex told me that he's scared to meet new guys because according to him, "if you are willing to meet strangers for sex nowadays, you clearly don't give a damn about your health or the health of others." Interesting logic 🤔...

[john54476]

I think the flake thing can be summed up as sixth sense in the pit of your stomach you have the feeling something s awry. If the conversation takes more than a few exchanges or becomes evasive I take it as a bad sign.

[BlackDude]

On 1/11/2021 at 12:20 PM, john54476 said:

I think the flake thing can be summed up as sixth sense in the pit of your stomach you have the feeling something s awry. If the conversation takes more than a few exchanges or becomes evasive I take it as a bad sign.

I think this can be true. However, I think most of the time the sixth sense is “why am I hooking up with this guy when I could be on my phone waiting for something hotter to come along? I’ll just flake....”

[MuscledHorse]

And that is why sexaholics like me have a job. We enjoy putting out and we show up for sex play, especially in group settings, and guys notice this and talk between each other. 😉

[ErosWired]

On 1/11/2021 at 2:20 PM, bbzh said:

I wonder if the pandemic is driving people to flake more than usual?[...]My ex told me that he's scared to meet new guys because according to him, "if you are willing to meet strangers for sex nowadays, you clearly don't give a damn about your health or the health of others." Interesting logic 🤔...

This night in Nashville, one of the guys who showed an interest but ultimately didn’t opt in was concerned about his health, but not because of COVID. It was because I had indicated that I had four loads already in me. He said that was “scary” and that he “didn’t want to catch something.” I thought, but didn’t say, that it was kind of ironic that he was fretting about STDs while out trolling for random hookups in the middle of a pandemic. Clearly, that wasn’t what was deterring him.

On 1/9/2021 at 10:52 PM, under3st said:

I don’t understand it either, but I guess it’s all part of the “game” we play in. 

Except some of us aren’t playing games, and as long as we continue to tolerate this shitty behavior as though it were somehow acceptable, it’s going to continue.
 

The more I’ve thought about all this, the more I’m inclined to give up hotel hosting altogether. For the amount of concentrated effort I put into it (never mind the expense) to reach as few men in service as I actually do, it’s just not cost-effective. On that night in Nashville, my Grindr profile alone got more than 300 views in the space of 12 hours, and I ended up servicing 5 men. So on a Friday night, only 1.6% of men thinking about a hookup went for what was the equivalent of low-hanging ripe fruit on the tree. It’s possible that I’ve been wrong all along in thinking that men actually want to fuck - it may be that in fact, most of them actually don’t. It may be that most men are simply looking for titillation rather than action, and that’s not what all those Doms trained me to provide. If so, that makes me sad because it means that anon hotel hosting is never going to be an efficient way of connecting with men who actually want service, and aside from the bathhouse, I don’t know of any other options.

[Davidc]

As I get older I am more in to saunas or crusing - the guy is there and already horny - much better odds.

These days I just don’t want to travel unless I’ve met the guy before - too many disappointments 

[Guest]

This is why I don't travel far for meets, which really limits my options (pre-pandemic). Too many flakes. At least when it (frequently) happens locally I'm not too put out.