Flaking on hookups

[wanttobeseeded]

The majority of my energy spent online trying to hook up goes to flakes: whether it's guys beating off talking about what they never intend on doing, guys who really want to do something but are nervous, or guys who get a better look at me and for some reason decide it's not worth it most of the time I spend trying to hook up turns out to be a waste.

My question is, can any of you relate? How many of you guys flake on hookups? If you do, what are the reasons? Help me understand; no judgments here. Have any of you found successful ways of weeding out flakes from the get-go? Successful ways of dealing with flakes? Or is crossing paths with flakes and liars just something we have to accept within the barebacking community?

 

[ChainedBoy]

I can definitely relate. Happens all too often. Most of the hookup apps SUCK. Even BBRT has seen a rise in the number of posers that talk a good game but have no intention of following through.

Have I ever flaked? No. Hell, no. 

If I say I’m gonna show, I show. Now once we meet up, if I get a totally skeevy feeling about the dude or he has grossly misrepresented  himself, I will call him out on it and leave or ask the dude to leave. That has happened a very few handful of times. But I ALWAYS show, ON TIME, with the intent to fuck. 

Why do guys play that game? My thinking is that there are a great number of men with very low self esteem. And talking about, promising, or even arranging hookups they have no intention of going to somehow bolsters their ego. Pathetic.

[barecubtop]

58 minutes ago, ChainedBoy said:

If I say I’m gonna show, I show. Now once we meet up, if I get a totally skeevy feeling about the dude or he has grossly misrepresented  himself, I will call him out on it and leave or ask the dude to leave. That has happened a very few handful of times. But I ALWAYS show, ON TIME, with the intent to fuck.

Same here, if I say I"m going to show, I show.  I've had several times in the last 6 months where people say they are on their way and never show.

I do sometimes struggle with my own "preaching" about responding to people to say I'm not interested rather than leave them hanging on the apps, though.  Whenever someone just doesn't respond to me, I get a little angry...yet, I do it too.  So, I'm working on being more intentional about saying "not interested" or something in those situations.

[Read1]

Rawbros,

Why not try going to a nearby city where there are bathhouses? It works for me.

[Guest Dickmagnet]

I really hate guys who are flakes but there are plenty of them i think they're online jacking off or something they really piss me off. i they do it too often i will block them, i like guys who show up & fuck. thats what i do to if i say i am coming then i am coming & won't mess anyone about but there are enough wankers who don't behave.

[SissyKink]

I've been flaked on through Craigslist before. I used to get irritated until I realized that m4m sex isn't for everybody and those who flaked probably had second thoughts. That or they found another guy. 

[lower_bucks_bottom]

I have found it to be a regional thing. When I lived in Massachusetts, I found that at least 50% of the time guys from Massachusetts would flake, but guys from New Hampshire would always show up. When I lived in New Jersey it was the same as Massachusetts, at least 50% would flake. Now that I am in PA at least 90% show up.

I always ask how far away they are and never hook up with someone more then 10 miles away. More then that and at some point, usually after they say yes, they are going to decide that it is too far to go for a fuck. 

[ChainedBoy]

On 11/19/2017 at 8:06 PM, Read1 said:

Rawbros,

Why not try going to a nearby city where there are bathhouses? It works for me.

Great advice, if you live with a short driving distance to one.  And believe me; I’m ALL ABOUT bathhouses. The are BY FAR my preferred hookup method,

But for casual fucking and breeding - or if the closest bathhouse is 300+ miles away, it’s largely either the apps or the bars. 

[Jaegar]

On 11/20/2017 at 8:51 AM, lower_bucks_bottom said:

I have found it to be a regional thing. When I lived in Massachusetts, I found that at least 50% of the time guys from Massachusetts would flake, but guys from New Hampshire would always show up. When I lived in New Jersey it was the same as Massachusetts, at least 50% would flake. Now that I am in PA at least 90% show up.

I always ask how far away they are and never hook up with someone more then 10 miles away. More then that and at some point, usually after they say yes, they are going to decide that it is too far to go for a fuck. 

Yup. Guys in Central Mass definitely flake less than dudes in Boston, too.

Honestly my solution to this has been just sticking within my extended social network when I want dick, and placing less stock in BBRT and such. 

[bbzh]

I'm showing my age here with this remark, but I remember when online gay hookup sites (not apps) didn't feature so many guys, so if you were lucky enough to find a guy you wanted to meet, you showed up because you didn't have so much to choose from.

Nowadays, you have hundreds of guys to choose from and so many people think nothing of being a flake. People invest little and therefore aren't disappointed if nothing materializes.

I've known guys to ask me to go immediately to WhatsApp after writing me one or two messages on a chat site. I find that jolting and I always say no. Again, maybe it's my age, but I'm not ready to give my phone number to a guy just to get a chance to evaluate him further. If I give you my phone number, that's essentially our "contract" to fuck. Few guys back out after giving their phone number in my experience. 

I wonder if people are less likely to flake if they are the ones traveling for the hookup. When a guy has given me his address and phone number, then it's just about a 100% hit rate. So that's my advice - be willing to travel and get that address and phone number. And immediately after getting the phone number, send a text to say you're on your way and ask him to respond - and google that address to see if it's real.

People would save each other so much time if they were upfront about traveling/hosting requirements. Nothing is worse than finding that dream hookup and then you can't agree on who's traveling/hosting. The more flexible you are, the more sex you'll have. 

And sorry to have to state the obvious - but it helps to actually be horny before you go shopping online. I can't stand guys who hit you up and ask for a date later in the week. Nope! This offer to fuck is only valid for 2 hours. 

[analluv27]

I've been on both sides I've been flaked on and I've been flakey. Since I'm married I understand how and or why a person would flake out. But the few times I did I contacted the guy to let him know I can't make it. To me that's a big difference if someone can't make it just say so that way they can choose to  see if they can line someone else up

[ErosWired]

I will never, ever flake on anyone unless I'm fucking bleeding to death. I've been flaked on so many times it's gone from being irritating to laughable back to irritating again.

I'm up front about my age, all my images are of me, and I don't misrepresent myself, so what you see is what you get. Everything in my profile is true, not a bunch of exaggeration or BS - nobody can say I've ever done a bait-and-switch on him. I try to avoid giving any reason for a guy to have second thoughts. Yet evidently they do.

What ticks me off so hugely about it is that I take bottoming seriously, to the point that I spend time at it - I take the time to clean myself out, make sure I'm clean on the outside as well, shave smooth in all the right places, try to be as reasonably attractive as my made-for-radio mugshot will allow, make sure my tools n' toys are clean, packed and ready to go, and then drive usually an hour or so to get to the man's place because that's how long it takes to get to civilization from where I am.

And lately, over half the guys have let me know either after I've been on the road for half an hour or after I've arrived at the destination that they "can't make it tonight."

Really? Really?

I'm addressing you Flakers now: Have you ever given yourself a full series of enemas in order to be cleaned out for fucking? Do you have any idea what a bottom does to get his body ready for your pleasure? And you have the brass balls to blow him off after making him do that plus waste a two-hour round-trip drive? When you could have instead met him and had some sweet ass delivered with a smile? What the hell is wrong with you?

I could have made you feel soooooooooo good...

[tallslenderguy]

This is a great discussion, and I can ditto so much of what others have written.  Mostly i think it's closeted guys, married or just not secure enough in who they are to act on it yet. I suppose there are a few who simply get off on the fantasy, but my feel is most guys would tire of that and want the real thing eventually, so maybe it's a stage?

Like some have alluded to, cruising at an ABS or restroom or place where guys are already present vs online is one way to get around this.  

Over time, i've even had some regular flakes from places like CL, guys who forget they have flaked on you and go right into their modus operandi. I come from a religious background and there are times when i get flaked on when i am paranoid enough to think that the guy flaking is maybe a religious nut trying to frustrate gays lol.

The worst flakes are the ones that go right up to the point of getting your address, but then never show. It's as if their whole goal is just to get your address. One of the things I have taken to doing is telling a hookup the cross streets where i live and then tell them to text me when they get there and i will give them the actual house address, explaining i do it because of flakes. I've never had a real hook up turn me down, but pretty sure I've weeded out a few flakes that way. 

[tallslenderguy]

I thought of something else. I avoid the temptation to vent in a profile in an effort to weed out flakes or just complain about them. I wonder about the guys who do that, whose profiles have teeth in them, just what kind of response they get?  I personally won't even approach a guy if he has an obviously angry profile.  I appreciate the guys who put hard qualifiers in, like "no one over the age of...." To me, that just saves time... though i have been hit on by guys like that on more than a few occasions, them breaking their own list of musts. Generally though, I avoid guys whose profile reads like a hugh shopping list thinking that is a flake waiting to happen.

[Guest bbbearlover1]

Flaking is just a part of this world, and I suspect that the vast majority of folks have "flaked" on someone (for good or bad reasons).  I am more than happy to meet up, when that conversation has been promising, and the online chemistry seems to work.  I've felt that it can be particularly difficult for Doms and subs, because bottoms and tops, too often, assume that Doms and subs have on/off switches (it's not true).  I've had a number of alleged "subs" flake out on me once they realize that I really am a Dom, and they learn that I am expecting a sub (not a "sub in the bedroom").  That is truly frustrating, especially since I like to meet and hook up when possible.