tallslenderguy

This is such a big and complex question. i think the answer is both individual and fluid. i think Top, versatile, bottom (and everywhere in between) is more a psychological disposition than a physical position, that the psychological largely finds expression in the physical? i sense (and see) a wrestling match among some on this topic, trying to establish a right or wrong stance on position. Some would argue it's a choice, others swear they were born that way... neither can substantiate their claim scientifically. The feel of the argument triggers feelings i encountered when i was religious and those convinced they knew the truth of it insisted that one could choose to not be attracted to the same sex. i've landed at a place where i just take the persons word for it. Socially, as long as it doesn't violate another, i figure you are in the best position to self define and live and function within that definition. In that context, i usually pursue those identifying as Top because i know i'm going to mesh best with them. But life isn't that simple, eh? Many who read my posts know that i've had a FB for three (approaching four) years Who hit's me up a couple of times a week to breed me. About a year ago, He wanted to suck me... something as a "total bottom" i have not wanted or practiced with another. But my ongoing connection with this Guy is more involved than an anonymous hook up, so i 'allowed' it. Even was clear with Him that i don't do that. He's not very open or vocal, so i have no idea what's going through His head when i tell Him that, but He still wants to do it? But, i'm letting Him, so He does it. The way i've adjusted is He has never made me come that way... actually, in all the hundreds of times we've had sex, He has never made me come, and i don't touch myself during sex, so the only orgasm has been His. Which fits for me. i love sharing His orgasm between us, it's like His orgasm becomes mine when He comes inside of me... which He has always done. Last six months or so, He has gotten into me giving Him BJ's, though that is really like foreplay as well since He's never come that way with me. i'm sort of a selective cock sucker. If the Guy i'm sucking is expressive and clearly into it, His lust energizes me and keeps me very hungry. If He shows little to nothing, my desire shuts down. He is usually quiet, but when i suck Him it's like something in Him gets opened and He is verbally expressive of how good it feels, and that puts and keeps me in a zone where i am loving what i am doing. Last three months or so, that has started to include me rimming Him. You see where this is going/has gone? my bottom identity has never involved or wanted ass, oral or otherwise. i consider any kind of penetration, oral or otherwise, to be a "Top" attribute. Yet i've been all over this Guys ass like it was my last meal on earth lol. The reason i think i've been able to do it is because of His clear, vocal enjoyment and participation in that way. But then, it seems recently, he is getting quieter and that feels passive to me. Last time we were together, i actually was getting pissed off, feeling used in a way that i am not. Given past conversations/explanaitions that i know He hasn't understood , i cannot imagine being able to explain this to Him/him. i would not be surprised if he wants me to fuck him. Functionally, physically, all my equipment works. Psychologically, i know i 'm not wired to fuck and that's not sustainable as part of a dynamic. So, the question of "how versatile" i am is complex and not black and white in its clarity.

i can only speculate about the rationale behind your question? Are we talking just hook up sex? Are we talking relationship? Or____________? Take two gaggles of gay guys to the local gay retirement home. One gaggle is labeled: "Free," the other is labeled "For Rent." my guess is, the "Free" guys are gonna get used up first. Check out (ostensibly assumed) gay sites like "SilverDaddies" [think before following links] https://www.silverdaddies.com and you'll find >120k guys, young and old, looking for each other. Many of those profiles will specify: "not a sugar daddy," or respectively, "not looking for a sugar daddy." And then there are those not so subtle profiles where guys are clearly looking for a sugar daddy. To me, it really depends on what it is you want? Are you looking for money? Something along the line of "rent boy" would be an avenue to take. If you are looking for just sex? i'm gonna guess free will get you more than charging. If you are looking for some form of romantic relationship? my sense is anyone looking for that would find paying for it contradictory to the intent.

my closet was built from ethnocentric religion and culture that had been influenced by religious notions. AID's didn't figure into it for me. i had a gay brother was 13 years older than me. He died of AID's during the 80's. i massaged his Kaposi sarcoma scared and emaciated body as he died, but that didn't daunt my need or desire for sex or seed. i tried condoms a few times, but to me, that was like going without the connection i needed/wanted with a Man. Back then, i was more ashamed of who i am than i was scared. i was trying to be straight because i was conditioned to believe being gay was "sick, broken, sin, etc.." Sure, i was afraid, but i was so needy for connection with a Man that my fear didn't have a chance at keeping me from hooking. For me, anonymous hook up sex was the only affirmation the gay part of me had while i was chained in my prison of conditioned belief. Eventually, being gay saved me from 'god' (i.e., my conditioned notions of "God."). Reality forced me to question conditioning. To me, the STD part of it was stigmatized by the same religious culture. Recently, we learned you could die from Covid you caught while having sex... but that didn't stop people from fucking lol, and probably most didn't wear masks. Disease, sickness and the threat of death are part of living. We risk death going to the grocery store, but we don't even think about that because there is no social stigma attached to that function. Sex, on the other hand, is a natural need/desire that controllers have exploited forever.

All our feelings are in our head. So, in the case of ones nips and cock being "hard wired," the wiring runs through the brain and our feelings/sensations are experienced there. i'm speculating here, but studies of neuroplasticity show that we can increase brain connections through exercising them. I.e., the more we play with our nips, the more our brain grows connections in response (again, i'm speculating). And i think there's also the psychological factors, not just the sense of touch. Our thoughts and emotions play into that 'wiring.' i had an online Top once Who sent me a breast pump because He wanted me to have "titties" for Him. He told me later that had He lived nearby, He would have found a way to slip me hormones so my breasts would produce milk for Him (look it up, it's possible lol). my point is, that our physical fuck can be connected to mind fuck and be complex and involved. Here's some 'science' for those interested: "Can men orgasm from nipple play? In the same way that some women can orgasm from nipple play alone, some men are capable of the same phenomenon. "For some men, there is a direct link between the nerves in their nipples and sensations in their penis," says Hirschman. "Men can get an erection from nipple play and might even orgasm from nipple stimulation alone." To make this type of orgasm happen, Hirschman says you'll likely have to find the sensation patterns that your partner feels most aroused by and then be willing to stick with those for a while. "A nipplegasm may take longer than it would if he was getting direct stimulation to his penis and his nipples at the same time," she explains. "Some men will like a variety of stimulation, while others will need one type of stimulation for a while. In order to get his perfect combo, ask him to show you how he touches his own nipples or how he might like you to touch them."" [think before following links] [think before following links] [think before following links] https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/male-nipple-play

i think this is a great question. We are sensual beings: vision, taste, touch, smell, hearing. i think through experience, we can our needs/desires can be fed and evolve through the exercise of all of those senses, switching them up and not being dependent or allowing certain senses to dominate our choices. i had a FB for about a year and a half Who visited about once a week. i was always waiting door open, lying face down/ass up, naked... and blind folded. i never saw Him, so my experience with Him was through my other four senses... and wow, we had a great thing going.

i'm with Davidc on this one, albeit from a bottom's perspective. i get it, the idea of the other being in charge, control. i've been stealth pissed before and it really turned me on when i realized what happened. Similar idea or energy behind it i think. To me (i'm speculating), what you are describing is a desire for the Top to be in control and independently do something to/with you that you really want/need. I.e., you want His desire/need to breed you to be His own, independent of your influence. you don't want His motive to breed you to be because you want/need it but because He wants/needs it. As i see it for myself anyway (again, speculating about you), any manipulation on your part to somehow lead or trick Him into doing that would be ultimately self defeating because you'd still have the question: did He breed me because it was all His desire or because i lead him that way? To me, the question is: who do you want to be in charge of the decision to inseminate or not?

i have a FB Who is blurring this for me, well, sort of. my perception of being bottom is about more than fucking, A major component is about penetration, be it finger, dildo, tongue, __________. i read of a lot of 'tops' who like to be rimmed, and to me that's something i've always felt is a bottom trait (it's a purely emotional response for me, not a rational one). Same mostly goes for having my penis sucked or even touched. "Mostly" because there are circumstances where it works for me. If a Top is purposely touching my penis just get me hornier for His Cock, but never to make me cum that way, it connects to the bottom in me and is really hot. So, back to my FB of three and a half years now. He hits me up regularly for sex, Saturday was twice. the last year or so He has gotten into sucking me. At first, i hesitated, but i really like this Guy, so even though i've told Him i'm not into it, i did it for Him, and now it's a pretty regular thing. i think what makes it okay for me is He has never once made me cum in the 3.5 years we've had sex (hundreds of times). So, psychologically, His sucking me falls into the category of just getting me more needy for His Cock. As i think about it, He has never touched my penis, just sucks it. Last six months or so, He has really gotten into me sucking Him... which has morphed into really me being oral with Him. He is normally really quiet and unexpressive when we have sex, but when i am giving Him oral sex, He gets very verbal in a way that super charges my lust for Him, puts me and keeps me in the zone until He is ready to fuck and breed me... and it always ends up with Him breeding me, He's never cum in my mouth. The "morphed" part is He loves me to suck, kiss, lick pretty much anything between His knees and navel... including His hole. He loves to be rimmed. Again, this is something i generally feel is a top activity, but He is so into it that i end up pulled in by His pleasure. It's been some time now, but i even fucked him once when he was very new at male with male sex (he's bi). i was clear i was just doing it once, and He's never asked or hinted at me fucking Him again. But He really gets into me rimming Him and always fucks me hard afterwards. To me, being oral and a cocksucker are bottom. The rimming part is blurry for me, but so far it doesn't feel to me like He is feeling bottom when i do it. lol. i know, complicated.

This is pretty much me too, verbatim. For me (and i think for a lot of guys), it's not just a physical cock i am looking for but His desire to use His cock in me. His lust/desire/need triggers and fuels mine, and i've seen signs that the same is true for Him, that my lust/desire/need triggers and fuels His.

Speculating, i'd bet You have a better, more detailed sex drive now than You did as a teen, that with practice, You've built up neuro pathways that enhance Your sex drive beyond the fuel of testosterone. 🙂❤️

Yesterday evening. He fucked me missionary, which almost never happens, i'm almost always face down. Prior to getting bred, my face was buried for some time between His thighs and my mouth was everywhere. i had His scent on me for hours afterwards and was high from it most the night.

i so agree with you. me receiving a 'small dick' is in no way a sympathy or altruistic gesture. i want a Mans Cock in me as much as He wants to put it inside of me, physical size is not a determining factor for me. 🙂

It's a complex topic. As BootmanLA notes, "responses...will be all over the map." Our sex drive/libido has more than one source fueling it. For instanstance, there is gonadal production of testosterone, which tends to decline over time. Butt having sex also stimulates the vagal nerve and that affects mood centers of the brain: "There is preliminary evidence that vagus nerve stimulation is a promising add-on treatment for treatment-refractory depression, posttraumatic stress disorder..." [think before following links] [think before following links] https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00044/full Then there's factors like this, which to me suggest that the more we have sex, the more we will want it. "Replicating past findings, no significant correlations between testosterone (T) and desire in men were apparent, but these analyses showed that the null association remained even when psychological and confound variables were controlled. Men showed higher desire than women, but masturbation frequency rather than T influenced this difference. Results were discussed in terms of challenges to assumptions of clear links between T and desire, gendered approaches to T, and the unitarity of desire." [think before following links] [think before following links] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22552705/ i'm being speculative here, but the above evidence to me suggests that the more one has sex, the more one's sex drive increases or maintains. i thought the second study was interesting in that the frequency of sex ("masturbation") with men was the driving factor over testosterone production. To me, this may in part account for the "all over the map" differences in our sex drives. To me, the implication is, the more we exercise the libido, the stronger the libido becomes, or maintains. And then there's edging lol.

my wiring is like several others who have responded. To me a Tops Cock is much more than a physical organ betwixt His legs. It's part of His psychological make up. i have had some incredible breedings by Men Who have smaller physical Cocks, but Their internal Cock is huge. When a Man fucks me, i get more than a penis and cum, i also get His desire/need to penetrate and inseminate me. i also get His orgasm, which i see as connected, but a distinct part of copulation. Sure, a big physical Cock is great, but if size is all that matters, one can purchase some huge dildos. i've been with Guys Who had big physical cocks, but Their "internal" cock was small. I'd take a big internal Cock over a big physical Cock if it came down to that.

Wow, some great responses! i was one of those (not rare) gay guys who was conditioned by both religious and straight culture to believe that being gay is "sinful, broken, sick, etc.", ad nauseam. That was really hard for me to process out of, especially when one equates such belief as equal to "God." A trick of some forms of religion (fundamentalism) is to transfer human agenda onto an invisible and unaccountable being one cannot nail down. Long story short, as a result, i married (a woman). Seven years into marriage, i had my first sex with a Guy and after that, there was no going back. i tried to be straight. i was still mind fucked thinking i was wrong, so i stayed married and cheated, all the while going to 'reparative therapy' and trying all the voodoo stuff my religion proffered as a 'cure.' Personally, i think the reasons for cheating are destructive and a waste. i too am for deconstructing the notions that result in lying and cheating vs staying imprisoned by ideas that do not fit reality, that result in fake or dishonest living.

i can't speak universally, but for me the connection is mutual, primal lust. When i realize the lust in Man to penetrate and breed me, it connects to my desire/need to be penetrated and bred... it almost seems autonomic lol.

i think we're on the same page with this, or at least in the same chapter? The way i look at it is we all have connecting places in us along the sexual spectrum (really, i think in general and i don't think sex is connected to other parts of our make up, but we're talking sex). To goal for me is to have mutual connection with as many of those places with a Man. i have "wanton behavior" as a connecting place and connect with Men Who are feeling and exercising it too. i don't experience connection as a strictly defined event, it's different with everyone. Yeah, i do want to connect to as many places as i can with a Guy, but wanton (casual) is connection too for me. i think i find connection more in the mutuality of the desire/need.

Makes perfect sense to me. i don't see any reason that the drive would be any less in a Top than a bottom. The difference? A bottom doesn't have a physical refractory period to deal with. Many bottoms take a cock and it whets their appetite for more once he gets seeded. A Top needs recovery time, and that varies from Top to Top. i do see the distinction i think You're making between a Top and a Breeder. To me, there's an added psychosexual layer the more connected a Top is to His need/desire to breed. i think that feeds into His lust and helps give it muscle, make Him more virile?

Agreed. In my experience, net hook ups worked better in the early days of internet connecting for sex. But i think online hookup culture has changed over time. Going way back to AOL chat rooms? i had some really awesome hook up sex, and "ghosting" was not even part of the vocabulary. Even with CL, i got a lot of great walk in breed and go with that before Aunt Pearl got them shut down. Meanwhile, if you can find them, actual causing spots still remain the gold standard for me. Online involves to many steps, planning, travel, etc.. Put horny guys in the same location and sex is going to happen. Put horny guys in a location that is known for sex happening, and it's gonna happen with abandon lol.

Both really. All those things but also some form of established gay community/culture. The last place i had that was in Louisville KY. Louisville was a surprise for me. i had season tickets each year to Actors Theater, the restaurants there are often on the food channel, and i had gay friends to socialize with. I'd go out usually once a week just with friends who were also gay. That's easier to come by in a larger city with a larger gay population. It's hard to take a walk in Palm Springs without tripping over a gay person lol. That's pretty true in Ft Lauderdale too from my limited experience.

i started over in 2008 after divorcing... former wife got a everything, a sizable fortune. Was either that or pay alimony till i died. That to say, i cannot picture ever being able to retire. i'm doing well, changed careers and became a critical care nurse 10 years ago, so i can pretty much live anywhere... though another country might be a challenge? Especially with the language barrier? Maybe a place where there's lots of expats and they need an English speaker? i looked seriously at Palm Springs, toured the hospitals where i'd work, then the pandemic hit. i vacation in PS a couple of times a year. It's about 40% gay from what i have read. It's also close proximity to San Diego and LA. Summers are very hot, not for everyone, it is a desert. Winter is short, the mountains around PS have snow in the winter. I've been there in the spring and enjoyed weather in the 80's with snow on the surrounding mountains. Lots of gay resorts, and hook up sex is readily available and easy. It's the only place i've ever been where a guy will hit on me right on the street lol. Expense wise? Real estate would be a lateral move for me, but everything else in CA is more expensive than most places (cept maybe big cities like NYC, Ontario, Vancouver). Everything cost more, food, gas, taxes. Having lived in a small town for the last 10 years, it can be frustrating not having a large gay community for friends and sex, so culture is a consideration as well as sex. PS has all of that and more, especially with its proximity to SD, LA and Mexico. It still tempts me.

True, but i am not particularly seeking an evidence based relationship <3. Thank you for your considerate response here, and in this forum in general. i value your thoughtful presence on BZ. i did have one 31 year relationship, married to a woman as a gay guy. It wasn't what either of us needed in many ways, but it was a real relationship in many ways. Processing out of that relationship brought me to a non traditional, but honest, real place. For instance, i do not consider love/romance to necessarily be monogamous, nor am i locked into non-monogamy either. i don't believe in the Disneyesque ideas of 'one true love' or that nature (or who/whatever) has selected just one match. To me, that's more storybook. Which is not to suggest that i think one cannot experience someone who ends up being their one true love. Lol, i know, i should run for office with my ability to take either side in an argument. As i have come to see it, relationship starts with self knowledge. i believe to have a successful relationship, we have to know our own needs and wants. Along with that knowledge, i think we have to develop the skills of communication and invest in open disclosure with guys we want to have a potential relationship with. i think the notion that love is something one "falls into" is haphazard at best. Been there, it didn't work when it came down to filling in for lack of compatibility. i love/loved my former wife, but i'me gay, she's straight, we're both 'bottom,' she's conservative religious, i cannot commit to a supposed being i cannot reasonably substantiate. Any one of those could nix a romantic relationship. We had those and more. i do lean into (heavily) the idea of yin/Yang and that opposites attract and bond, thus the need for self knowledge and self disclosure. Where i seem to run into issues is meeting guys whose eyes don't roll back in their heads when i start talking that way. You may be right about the use of internet being a poor choice for meeting someone. The few social venues i have tried all seem to come with paired people. i suppose i could consider becoming a home wrecker. Seriously though, i think you make a good point about trying venues other than online. i do live in a small town, not much of a gay community, but perhaps should try harder at something different. i'm not desperate, but i'd like something more.

i don't seem to be able to escape or quench the desire for a romantic relationship. i've watched way to many romantic gay movies where romance is portrayed, but have never found that irl with a guy. Not for lack of trying. i've been on dating sites for years where scads of guys claim to be looking for intimate, romantic relationship. But many of those are scammers. The real ones often do not have a profile, or a cookie cutter profile that says generic stuff like "like to eat out, watch movies, walk on the beach" lol. sigh. i have detailed profiles that i keep up to date for guys looking to read and respond to. Easily 90% of the time, i am the one to initiate conversation, which is not easy when all a guy has in a profile is "looking for ltr." 9 times out of 10, guys do not respond... okay, it's obvious i'm not the droid they are looking for. Still, my overall impression is that guys don't really want romantic relationship, or they have no idea how to be a part of the effort to make one happen? i'm rambling, i know. Be interested to read the thoughts and feelings of others on this topic. i know, it's complicated.

Just left. i was sitting down for tea and He texted me and asked if i could be ready before He went to work. Always a little nervous getting ready so fast, He drives over and waits in my driveway when He's really wanting it. i hesitated, so He called and i was demurring because He also said "later." On the phone He said how horny He was when i was hesitating and said: "are you sure? you know you really want that dick." He knows me, i said i'd text Him when prepped. It's not at all about the short notice, He's right, i always want His cock in me, just that fear of short notice prepping. He only had a short time, wanting to fit a fuck in before work, which is so fucking Hot. It's not just a Mans cock and cum i love, it's the lust that drives it... a Mans lust always evokes my own and opens my hole and makes it hungry. It's full now. Sometimes fast fuck can be so satisfying.

i don't get sick that often, average is every 3 or 4 years i get something, and it usually lays me out... i don't even wanna get up, let alone roll over or clean out. i have to force myself to drink water just to stay hydrated. If i'm feeling that rotten, i'm not gonna want sex or to risk giving it to someone else.

i love ass... to look at. Visually? It's my favorite part of a Mans body. When i'm at the gym, i gawk a lot at Mens asses. i love to touch and maul ass but rimming 'feels' top to me, and getting rimmed feels like prep for getting penetrated and bred. i know it's not universal, but it's part of my wiring, so i've generally been a non-rimmer. Enter my current FB. He's been breeding me 3 years and in the last year or so has really gotten into receiving oral. i'm typically more bottom than oral, but He is so expressive when my mouth is on Him, the connection is intense. His response puts me in the zone and keeps me there. i don't feel manipulated, but He has control with His obvious pleasure and i've been rimming Him as part of our foreplay for several months now. It's not the rimming i get into, it's His response. He moans and tells me how good it is when i'm giving Him oral, coaches, and that drives me wild. He is generally quiet when fucking me, though He goes back and forth between kissing my back and pounding me hard, and that speaks for itself. But i love when He moans and tells me what He wants and how He feels, and i get all of that when i am using my mouth and tongue with Him... so Him? i rim.