tallslenderguy

I ventured over to POZ this morning, signed up and made two posts. The first was because i was worrying about missing some med doses and feeling kind of stupid about it at the same time. i take Truvada and Tivicay. i use a 7 day pill box and forgot that i hadn't ordered my refill (13 hour work shifts addled my brain). i realized on my first day off after a week and called in to the automated refill system Friday night. The pharmacy takes 2 days to get my meds, and is closed on Sundays, so i ended up missing 2 Tivicay doses and one Truvada (i had an extra one of those). i did a search and found this article noting viral load increase after only 2 days of missed meds. Mostly i was just feeling dumb and a little worried. A moderator responded with some encouragement and i think what was an attempt at humor, then he made a second post after the first where he said more of the same and stated that: "adherence for most doctors is defined as taking 95% of the medication or more timely..." Not sure where he got that info from, especially after linking an article that states: "Treatment adherence means taking the correct dose of your medications every time, exactly as prescribed by your health care provider or recommended by your pharmacist. "" In the second post the moderator also informed me that he had "...removed your other thread as its a duplicate or at least in the sense its tge same topic". The second thread was a post about symptoms i am having (leg, both joint and muscular) and asking if anyone else had had similar symptoms. Trying to figure if this is a possible med side effect or coincidental and unrelated to my HAART. It was a totally unrelated thread to the first one. i sent a comment to POZ, and would have responded to the moderator in the thread, but have no confidence that he would not remove it too. Really felt shut down and surprised at the lack of professionalism, not sure i'll be going back. i am disappointed and feel muzzled by the whim of one person (he was cute though lol).

As a poz guy who lost my brother to AID's in the 80's, i'm very grateful for the advances of medical science when it comes to treating and preventing HIV. i am happy to see pop up ads on sites like Grindr, encouraging guys to get tested and other ads informing about PreP. When i became informed, i actually went to a doctor with the intent of getting on PreP and found out i was poz and pretty much immediately went on meds and am now undetectable. i'd like to see the disease eradicated. If you have ever seen someone dying of AID's, it's pure, unadulterated suffering and ultimately debilitating. To me debilitating=not having sex, so i wonder at those who chase and purposely do not treat the infection? i think that their is a disconnect about the ultimate results. i get that some people are suicidal, but that doesn't strike me as a good or sexy thing, nor does purposely trying to give someone a disease (of any sort).

Like several others here, i've lost count. Pretty sure i've had repeats at the abs, though i couldn't be sure since it's through a gh, just a feeling? Then there are all the guys who cum to my house. i'd say about 95% of my sex has been anonymous, me face down and naked on my bed or in an abs, or under a stall wall, butt many of the guys i get to know when they message me on a regular basis to unload. i'd have to says hundreds have been more than once though.

i think the love and relationship is a complex topic, i have appreciated reading the thoughtful replies. i particularly resonate with CigarBear68's comment: "Think of this guy as a mirror reflection-...." i too believe that we can see ourselves in the mirror of relationship. i think it can get pretty involved discerning or fleshing out the reflection though. For instance, as CigarBear points out, we often 'see' "what we want to see... what we want to feel." This strikes me as a keenly insightful point. Another part of our reflection we can see in relationship is the feedback we get from that person. I.e., people tell us what they think of us using words and also unspoken responses to us that give us an idea of how they think and feel about us. But that feedback is not necessarily a 'riflection' of reality, it is their particular reflection. i think of relationships as a trip through a house of mirrors. Ever been to one of those at a carnival or amusement park? They are often comprised of mirrors of different shapes that give one a distorted reflection. That's not a perfect analogy, but the point is, no one is a perfectly clean and undistorted mirror, so the reflection we get demo others might be from a clear spot in the mirror, or a spot smudged with chocolate (or vomit). What we 'see' might be on them, not on us. i have done a total retake on my ideas of relationship. i was in a very traditional/religious marriage (with a woman) for 31 years. For me, religion was a poisonous trap that kept me from self acceptance. i too was a cheater, and hated myself and every moment i did it. i think that is an awful and destructive way to live. The "trap" for me was the notion that being gay was "bad, sick, sin," and that i could change. Once i came to a place of self acceptance, i was able to be honest with everyone else about who i am and i actually love life now. After divorcing (my former wife didn't want to be with me after i told her i was not able to change) i at first i thought i might be bi because i'd been with a woman all those years and we had an active sex life. i've had plenty of opportunities to be with women since divorcing (and before), but my former wife is the only woman i have ever been with. On the other hand, i've been with more guys than i can count, so i identify as "gay." Even though i have a pretty static sexual identity now (i.e., i like guys), my journey has caused me to totally re-examine my ideas of relationship. i believe most of our ideas of relationship come from a heteronormative, patriarchal culture. So called "traditional values." i do not fit either of those profiles, and my values are not a part of those traditions, so trying to have a relationship using those molds doesn't fit either. i've had one time connections with a guy that involved some really deep emotional responses, where i had to bite my tongue to keep from blurting out: "i love you" lol. And even if i did blurt in a moment of passion, i still know better than to automatically equate the experience with asking for His hand in marriage. my point is, i think a lot of our ideas and values about love and relationship are not born out of the reality of who we are and what we need/want, but many of those ideas come from and belong to the dominant culture. Culture is changing, and those who have been muzzled are now able to bark, have their input, but i think we are just at the beginning of that evolution and that a lot of what we accept as 'natural' has just been culturally programmed in.

It would help if you went into some detail about what you are guilty about and what you fear? I can imagine all types of each that are different and unrelated.

i get that the onus to keep ones hole clean and ready is, generally, on the bottom. But i have a few thoughts on the topic and wonder what others think as well? The most challenging thing i encounter as a bottom is spontaneous fucking. i have several FB's who will contact me out of the blue and want to cum breed me. As a bottom, i can't help but wanna instantly spread my legs and grant access to the Tops i love, but the reality is, i'm not always prepped and that takes time. i'm particularly paranoid. i've never had 'an accident" and always want my Top happy when using my pussy, so i typically go beyond the call of duty (so to speak), when cleaning out. Some Tops get the need for prep time, others seem oblivious and get impatient or abandon the idea if a bottom isn't instantly ready. Some seem to glaze over when a bottom hints at having to prepare. Some obviously haven't a clue what's involved in the process. Then there's those few who do not care and are even turned on by the spontaneity and not worried about what they encounter. Bottom line is, while the onus may be on the bottom to be prepped, it isn't a magical or instant process and it sure would help if all Tops understood this. It's not unusual for me (or lots of bottoms i would imagine) to go the whole day not eating, just to be prepared and available immediately. Butt i'm in heat a lot and that is not sustainable behavior lol

i love this. The huge turn on from the start of this thread is the idea of a Top making me piss myself, especially if i don't see it coming. For me, it's like an orgasm of sorts, the Top is pushing all the right buttons and then all of the sudden a one is turned all the way on and i am powerless and piss. To me, when a Top pisses in me or makes me piss, it's kind of like another form of orgasm. The Top has the power over His orgasm and the bottoms, which just reinforces the whole Top/bottom dynamic to me. The Top loving being in control of His pleasure and the bottoms.

at a gay resort in Palm Springs. Had an anonymous walk in from Grindr, bred me long and hard, twice. He was an awesome fuck and left my hole creamy and me horny. Went across the street to the play room and walked through. There is a 4 room set up in the middle, each room connected on two sides to two of the rooms, large 1 foot round holes in the center. i went into one of the rooms and saw a guy getting plowed through a gh. i went into the next room and saw the Top plowing him and reached through and stroked His thigh, then presented my ass. He ended up sliding into my ass and breeding it (which i'm kinda embarrassed and ashamed for taking the Top from that other guy). Apparently while this other guy was breeding me, 2 other guys walked into His booth and when He was done, each slid in and bred me. When they were done, i was getting ready to leave and this sweet black guy walked into my booth, motioned me to turn around, felt my cum sloppy hole and slid His cock in and didn't take long to add His load. Then everyone was gone, so i left.

Yeah, sort of. Not like she walked in on me, i admitted cheating. It was awful, the worst time of my life. i married young and was very religious, so i believed being gay is a choice and is wrong. i knew i liked guys since about the age of 12, but i became religious at about age 15. In part, my attraction to religion was because i thought 'God' would change me, or at least give me the ability to not act on my desires. When i was 19, i stood up in my church and "confessed" my attraction to guys, my wife to be was present. But in those days (the 70's), people still didn't talk about this stuff much, especially in the culture i lived in. About a week after i married, i brought up the topic again to my new wife (i.e., my attraction to guys), and she was devastated. i learned much later that she had gone to our pastor (a woman), considering annulment. Apparently they discussed me and decided i wasn't gay, just confused (a still held view in many religious circles about gay people). i had naively thought she would be an ally in my fight against my sexuality, but realized i was still alone. i married right after turning 21, the first time i cheated was at age 27. i went so far as to separate from my wife after it happened, telling her that i was gay and not going to change. i didn't tell her at the time that i had cheated, big mistake. After 5 months of separation, we got back together. i had two kids and had not yet escaped my ideas about "God" and being gay, both of which were twisted into knots in my brain and emotions. It took me years to untie those knots. Meanwhile, Pandora's box had been opened, and there was no closing it. Hook up sex with guys became my only means of self affirmation (a fact i didn't figure out till many years later). It was like an addiction. i'd go to hook up almost in tears, begging and pleading with "God" in my mind to help me not do it. i hated myself for cheating and lying, it was all very rotten. i hated hurting, devastating, someone i love. The good news is, after way too long i processed through all the muck of my upbringing and religious culture. i joke that being gay saved me from "God." my sexuality was not something i could change or deny, it was a reality that contradicted my beliefs. Going through all of that gave me a lot of understanding. i can sympathize with just about anyone now. It's kinda funny that i am a whole lot more moral now than when i was religious. Living honestly is living in reality. if you are lying to your most intimate relationship, what do you really have? You're not only deceiving that person, you are deceiving your self. i am alone now, divorced. my former wife and kids have pretty much disowned me (they are still part of the religious culture). They say they "love me, and are praying for my repentance." That hurts, but i understand the web they are trapped in. It took me most of my adult life to get free of that web, and i had a good reason (i.e., the reality of being gay lol), they don't have such a reality to force them to look at their beliefs. i am one of the most peaceful, happiest people i know, and it all comes from accepting and living honestly with myself and others.

I think Yes, i mentioned this too earlier on, about how some cultures did start marrying at younger ages, mentioning the "vigin Mary was likely 14 when God insemminated her, making God a pedophile by todays standards." i think morality is largely a cultural construct. When it comes to morality (or just about anything) i prefer science to what a priest or religious book says. Just because our, or any other culture, has accepted something as 'normal,' doesn't necessarily make it a good idea. There was a time that doctors bled people as a treatment, or removed a big chunk of their lungs and rib cage as a treatment for tuberculosis (the list goes on). i like science because, at its best, it acknowledges that this is the best knowledge that we have so far. As far as we know, life is infinite, so how can we know anything absolutely? To me the best bet is to take the approach: "this is what i believe right now, based on the evidence, but that could change as we discover more...." In that vein, check this out: The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part. Given this piece of evidence, should culture be making the age of consent higher vs lower? The age of consent is also the age our culture is willing to send people off to war as well.

no. as a sub bottom, i get the appeal of hypnotism, and the idea of being hypnotized by a Dom i trust is a total turn on for me. But causing harm is never "a good idea." Chasers might argue that that is what they want, and if they purposely go out seeking infection, that is their choice, but it's not choice someone should make for another. in a D/s relationship, both agree to the dynamic, i.e., the sub is using his volition to submit, it isn't unkowningly taken from him. If i suggested i want to sneak into your house and steal everything you own, does that sound like a good idea? you are talking about sneaking in and stealing someones health.

Interesting topic ChainedBoy. i appreciate that you qualify "In my view" and "for me," in other words, this is a personal preference, not something you are asserting is a universal rule. i think i sorta feel ya though i am not the same. i am grateful to every Man who shares His cock, and anything that comes out of it, with me. But my gratitude multiplies exponentially when He has sex with my mind and emotions along with my body i love being used for pleasure by a certain type of Dom Top. i am attracted to affectionate Dom's, bullies repel me. i've seen a certain type of D/s dynamic (not saying this is you, idk) where the Dom is looking for an "empty headed plaything" (to me, the Dom looking for that type of sub is equally "empty headed.") Which is not a judgment, i believe most (if not all) of our sexual disposition is emotionally determined, that we're driven by our feelings, not reason. But, i think our minds can really enhance sex. my brain wants to be fully engaged in sex and i love a Dom who has/wants to use His brain with sex. To me, the Dom who says "thank you," i.e., expresses gratitude to and for His sub, is not less of a Dom, but a more fully engaged Dom. When i say gratitude is an "acknowledgement of reality," i feel that one who cannot express gratitude is not fully in touch with reality. To me, gratitude is an expression of strength (not weakness) and also an expression of being at peace with who one is. i feel it's one of the things that divides real D/s interaction from role play. i see D/s as more of a Yin/Yang dynamic, that it is a symbiotic relationship. In its simplest form, i see it as Proton/electron (and neutron versatiles!! lol). i see us as opposites that attract and form a bond. To me, gratitude (from anyone) is an acknowledgment of reality, the reality of our need and dependence on one another; that neither Dom or sub can function without their opposite. When i say gratitude is an "acknowledgement of reality," my feel is that one who cannot express gratitude is not in touch with reality and venturing into role play. Again, that is not meant to be a judgement, it's just something i feel to my core. Which is not to say that notion of superior and inferior cannot play in, but i'm not sure that those terms fit what i am trying to express by their use. For instance, i have been mind fucked by a few Doms where it involved awkward and even humiliated feelings on my part, but the affection of the Dom fucking me made it a mind blowing bonding experience. We were both grateful for the other. i cannot count the number of guys identifying themselves as "Dom" who have approached me and have failed to subdue me because there was no substance in evidence. They wanted me to submit to the idea of D/s, the label "Dom" they were using, but they were not evidently Dom. The most amazing Dom i have ever been with never even used the term "Dom," He just was. He was hugely affectionate and full of praise for me, and had me doing things i have never done before with everything the was in me. He had me literally adoring Him within hours of meeting Him, He thoroughly used me, and i thoroughly submitted because He knew how to evoke the deepest submission in me.

More of an unter, nothing "uber" about that guy. Hook up sites can really be an exercise in insanity sometimes. There's a certain percentage of immature, irresponsible, and just plain crazy guys on hook up sites, and it's a role of the dice who will respond to an ad. There's also lots of awesome Men too (well, i pretty much think all men are awesome, even those that make life challenging, i can't help it, i just love guys). Had Grindr on yesterday late afternoon/evening. One guy contacts me and wants a bj after a karate class. He got lost and was about an hour and a half late, but kept talking to me and i was able to talk him in. He had an enormous load, had to pause to swallow. wishing it was in my ass. Another guy contacted me while i was talking this guy in and wanted to cum after he was done. I contacted him back, he asked for address, which i gave, and he disappeared. This is a common flake that is the most frustrating, talking a good line and then just dropping off the face of the earth. I sent "how long", then a question mark, nothing. Then two hours later he responds, "you still want me to come over." Fuck. I asked him: "where'd you go" and he responded: "personal stuff." The excuses are always the lamest part, if you even get one, these are the same guys whose dog ate their homework. I do love the ass up, anonymous walk in scene, but have done it less and less because of the number of unreliable guys on hook up sites. FB's work well for that, and thank goodness for them. Otherwise, i just end up at the ABS where i almost always get a minimum of 5-6 loads.

This is so true. bbbearlover1 made my pussy twitch from the first time i read something He wrote, totally love Him. Not something i say lightly either. There are just certain Dom's who evoke that response to me, it's like i can't help myself (nor do i want to). It's pretty awesome really, it's a fantastically, intense feeling. i'm happy to have feelings like that. It's like a part of me gets absorbed into Him , or vice versa? But there is that mental fuck and insemmination that leaves something there.....

i've had a great deal of discussion about Dom/sub (D/s) relationship with a member of this site, he's become a great friend and we share and discuss pretty much anything we can think of on the topic. But we're both "sub," and our discussion is our perspective, would really like to read others. Of course, there is discussion on this topic all over the place on this site, but i don't recall seeing a dedicated thread? Either way, i wanted to share some of my thoughts and would enjoy reading other's perspectives. My perspective: First off, i don't think their is an absolutely specific one size fits all definition of Dom or sub. i think part of the conflict that arises when the topic is discussed is some are certain that their notions and ideas are simply the way it is. E.g.: "if you are going to call your self sub, you must____________." Or, vice versa: "if You are Dom you are___________." i think to some degree, that we can all agree on general terms to fill in those blanks, but the more specific and defined we get, the more guys on either side start to drop off the 'qualifying' list. i've only met a few guys who call themselves "Dom" who i recognized as such. That's not to say they are not, just that they didn't strike me as such. And i am pretty confident that there are Dom guys who'd shake their head and say: "nah, you're not sub." The good news is, the guys i have recognized as Dom have also recognized me as sub. my point being that, for connection to happen, the gears have to synch. It seems to me that given the nature of D/s, there is often an expectation (on both sides) if a guy identifies as sub, he should make it fit. i think some things are intrinsic to who we are, so the expectation by the Dom or sub that they can change their color (so to speak), is unrealistic. Carrying the analogy, i've seen subs paint their self (so to speak) a different color because that is what their Dom demands, but it's just an outer coat, roleplaying, it's not their 'true color.' I guess that qualifies as submission of sorts, but it seems like submitting to the demand to pretend to be something you're not. on the other hand, i have experienced connection with a Dom where there was compatibility of desire, so the submission was natural and real. So, i know there is such a thing, i've known it with more than one Dom. i've come to think it's a waste of time to try and fit a square peg into a round hole. It can be forced into place, but it's not a fit, there are always gaps.

Great info ErosWired, thanks for posting it. Poppers, aka amyl/alkyl nitrates, have been around since the 1800's and were used medicinally as an anti anginal. That's heart pain people with vascular disease get from ischemia, ischemia is a lack of oxygen to tissue (in this case heart tissue), which results in heart pain/angina. It's similar stuff to the "nitro" people put under their tongue when they think they're having a heart attack (i give this stuff to my patients all the time). It's effects are short acting, 3-5 minutes. The feeling of euphoria is thought to come from the vasodilation of vessels in the brain (it also leaves some with a headache after). It also dilates the vessels in the penis. The way it dilates them is through the release of nitric oxide (a naturally occurring chemical that our bodies make and release through the endothelium, tissue that lines all our blood vessels), which causes the smooth muscle around our vasculature to relax, thus opening them up more for blood flow... but the effect is greater on the veins than the arteries. Arteries supply the blood (in this case, to the penis) veins are the blood return (to the heart) system. So what ends up happening is more blood is getting into the penis, but even more blood is flowing out. The penis gets erect when there is more blood flowing in than out, it gets "engorged" with blood filing it up and making it hard. That's the general effect. Most drugs have general effect, and lots of "side effects." When you read through the side effects of a drug, you'll notice that not all people have the same side effects. Our bodies are all generally the same, but all vary to some degree too, they're very complex. Poppers are a synthetic copy of a chemical our body already produces, but our body has a much more complex and intricate system of administering it (so to speak). The endothelium that releases it (nitric oxide) lines our entire vascular system and that system is able to dispense (so to speak) that chemical in specific locations, thus only effecting those locations in of the body. Sniffing poppers introduces the chemical system wide, so the effects are general, but everyones response is going to be a little different in different parts of the body. I.e., 'side effects may vary.'

i'm not particularly interested in wearing piss just for it's own sake. For me it's a matter of connection to the Dom or Top using it. i find subtle much more of a mind fuck turn on than overt. For example, i've had tops stealth piss inside of me. i've also had it happen where i was sucking a guy off and after coming he let a little piss go too, not a huge amount, but just enough for me to know it. if a top happened to piss on me some after breeding me, without saying anything, just naturally and even affectionately marking His territory-maybe with a smile and a nod afterwards, it'd be a total turn on, especially the humiliation of it. i can't see myself getting off on wearing piss all day, but they idea of being pissed on like if i were at a abs, then having to leave and travel home that way, is really hot. For me it's the incongruency of the whole thing, affection mixed with humiliation is a huge turn one, bullying, meanness, anger with humiliation are not. just the way i'm wired, i know some guys are into it, but again, i like the simile and affection accompanied by the humiliation, really makes me fall in love lol

i've had this happen to me, twice. i suspect it was the same guy each time because it was the same ABS, but i was bred through a gh, so i never saw him. i have an experienced pussy and am used to holding in whatever i get because i want to keep it, so each time didn't realize until i got home. my second sphincter is tight, i have to be careful when i clean out that there is no trapped water. i have gone hours with trapped water, getting fucked and not knowing it's there. Thankfully, i've never had a big cock on one of those occasions that opens up that hole. Each time i'd gotten fucked several times, so i don't know if the guy pissing in me was the last, or others bred me after. i was usually at home, several hours after, when it let down and i had to release it. each time a gush and the telltale scent of piss letting me know what happened. i love it, i always retain piss when i know i have it because i absorb it and my piss smells like my Tops. i think i know who did it because he'd pause several times while fucking me, going deep and holding there vs an all at once stream, prolly would've felt that going in. The hottest part of the whole scenario is the presumption of the Top using my pussy to piss in, just doing it automatically, no questions asked. my kinda Top.

I just don't think there is a standard, one size fits all (so to speak) answer to this question. As a well used and practiced bottom, my hole is officially the male version of a pussy (which doesn't make me feminine, but it does make me a receptacle for a Man to penetrate). Anyone who has been with a virgin or someone who hasn't been opened up, knows there is a sort of breaking in period for most. My guess is most of the guys who ask their Top to be "gentle" are either inexperienced, versatiles or versatile Tops who only get fucked occasionally? I have an anonymous FB who's cock I've never seen because i am always face down when He breeds me, butt the first time He entered me i gasped and kinda tightened from the pain. I wasn't expecting His size from His cock pictures, but He's got girth, especially at the base of His cock. But there was no way i was going to say "be gentle," and i adjusted soon enough. My point is, it's experience that resulted in me just backing into Him and loving His cock vs fear for my self. It's not altruism on my part, i crave His cock and energy and am practiced enough to see and feel past any initial discomfort till i adjust and blend into Who He is. And for me, that is what it means to bottom, to blend into, become one with the Man Topping me, no matter the flavor.

i appreciate this descartes, thank you. i think the key to hot sex is connecting. i happen to be wired (it seems) as a bottom, but while that has an obvious general connotation, we're all individuals and all at least somewhat different. i've had my share of hook up, breed and go sex, and that is awesome stuff. But by far the best sex i've had is with guys who get into my head space and breed my mind as well as my hole. As a bottom, i will spread my mental legs and open my mind to getting bred too, but that can be hard to do if the Top isn't into reading me, which is evidenced by how He approaches me on the physical level. For me, when a Top opens my hole in a way i can tell He is paying attention to the effect He is having on me, it leads right to the door of my mind... and if He is purposely looking for it, He'll see it and enter my head space and fuck there too.

I have wondered the same thing as a bottom. I have a folder of pics on my computer with about 40 naked shots, five are of my penis and three of those are pics of my penis in a chastity cage. The two erect shots were hard to get, not because my penis doesn't get hard, but it usually only gets hard when a top is interested in my hole. The only reason i have the pics is because sometimes i'm asked for one one so i have them on hand. Even though i am a slut bottom (I'm always a slut when i haven't had penile relief), i love a mans ass. Visually it's one of the most appealing things on His anatomy, so i guess i get that one can like the look without wanting to use it.

i have gone through truckstops, rest areas countless times wanting to be fucked in a sleeper truck, butt never have... have never figured out how to arrange it

I guess as i mentioned, something that really turns me on is Tops who love to "modify" their bottoms. The idea and lust behind it is so HOT to me. In line with sleazyseldn's original post, Tops who love the idea of minimizing their bottoms cocks stirs something really deep inside of me. I just read a story about a bottom who's Top secretly, chemically castrated him, and that really got me hot. I wrote earlier about how hot it is to me when a Top is so into my hole that He loves putting His own signature on it, something, even a gap or His cum running down His bottoms crack, that says He was there. I'd be lying if i said talking about castration doesn't turn me on, it does. But i also know that my sex drive cums from my testicals, so i like the idea of having my desire controlled vs permanently taken away. For me, being locked in chastity makes me so horny, but the only place for me to direct that horniness is my hole. i do think it's really hot when a Top purposely locks His bottom in restrictive chastity or belts that cover anything in front so as to make them smaller or minimize or make it invisible. But for me those are all expressions of a Tops desires and power. i don't want to do those things with myself, it would be kind of like being my own Top.

i appreciate so many of the points you bring up bbbearlover1, if for no other reason that it highlights how much more there can be to this. The first thing i think when a Top cannot maintain His hard on is: "maybe i, or something about the situation, doesn't turn Him on." i also appreciate you sharing your perspective as a Dom. From what i have read of your posts, you fit the term "Dom" as i relate to it. i've learned there are lot's of variations on the D/s spectrum, to the point where i have pretty much stopped putting the word "sub" in my profiles. i have a decided sub side, but for me, it is dependent on the Dom, and i wonder if the opposite isn't true? I.e., a Dom's response is dependent on the sub? That it's largely a matter of fit? It's kind of fascinating. my sub side is obviously there to me, but only certain types of Dom's bring it out in me, so i have stopped advertising i am sub because i don't want to mislead anyone and have run into many guys presenting as "Dom" who just struck me as bullies (which i see as weakness), and completely turn me off. i say "certain types of Dom's" because i realize i don't make up the definitions or rules, not sure anyone does, so it seems best to go on individual basis with the understanding that the words "Dom" and "sub" are there for communication and points of reference, but meaning has to be determined on more of an individual basis?

There's been a lot of discussion on this site about what kind of hole Tops and bottoms prefer, this is sort of on that topic, maybe with a different slant, looking more at the psychological side of the topic, though very connected to the physical. What made me start thinking about this is this morning when i had to use the bathroom (and pretty much always when i have to), i have a different sense of urgency and it is directly related to my hole being changed by Tops. First off, anyone who is familiar with me and my posts knows that i am really into the cerebral/psychological side of Top/bottom, D/s, so the whole idea of Tops or Doms who love to own and mold a bottoms hole is enormously HOT. i know from reading that there are a lot of bottoms here who take pride in their holes still being "tight" even after lots of use, and i always have just kinda gone silent at that point because i cannot say i have that. Like many of my fellow bottoms, i exercise my hole and am able to control the inner muscles so i can squeeze and milk my Tops cock, but my opening has been changed. It closes, but it isn't "tight" like it used to be. The truth is, if i didn't have the inner muscle control that i have, it feels like i might mess myself because of the opening. (i hope that doesn't gross anyone out, i'm not into scat, but don't mind Tops who are as part of a mind fuck scene, but that's another topic). Because i have the inner muscle control, i can hold it in, pretty much indefinitely, but their is a sense of urgency and a little fear that goes along with it. okay, enough on that topic My point is my inner hole is well developed and i can tighten it anytime i want, but my opening seems to have been forever changed by the Tops who have used it. I wouldn't call it "loose," but it does provide pretty easy access. i find i don't have to open it nearly as much as i used to to accommodate a Top. Large Tops still make me wince if they just shove in, but i never have to ask them to start slow anymore. Psychologically i find this hole thing hot. i love that my hole is not like a 'normal' hole, that it is physically changed from being used by Men. i also love Men who are consciously into the effects they have on the holes they use. For me it's one of the reasons i am not offended by words like "pussy" or "cunt," etc.. It's not that i have any desire to be a woman or feminine, i am neither. It's the idea of power and change that draws me. For me, my changed hole is the signature of the Top who has used it and i love having that kind of relationship with a Top, where there is that connection that we are both aware of and love.