tallslenderguy

i appreciate so many of the points you bring up bbbearlover1, if for no other reason that it highlights how much more there can be to this. The first thing i think when a Top cannot maintain His hard on is: "maybe i, or something about the situation, doesn't turn Him on." i also appreciate you sharing your perspective as a Dom. From what i have read of your posts, you fit the term "Dom" as i relate to it. i've learned there are lot's of variations on the D/s spectrum, to the point where i have pretty much stopped putting the word "sub" in my profiles. i have a decided sub side, but for me, it is dependent on the Dom, and i wonder if the opposite isn't true? I.e., a Dom's response is dependent on the sub? That it's largely a matter of fit? It's kind of fascinating. my sub side is obviously there to me, but only certain types of Dom's bring it out in me, so i have stopped advertising i am sub because i don't want to mislead anyone and have run into many guys presenting as "Dom" who just struck me as bullies (which i see as weakness), and completely turn me off. i say "certain types of Dom's" because i realize i don't make up the definitions or rules, not sure anyone does, so it seems best to go on individual basis with the understanding that the words "Dom" and "sub" are there for communication and points of reference, but meaning has to be determined on more of an individual basis?

There's been a lot of discussion on this site about what kind of hole Tops and bottoms prefer, this is sort of on that topic, maybe with a different slant, looking more at the psychological side of the topic, though very connected to the physical. What made me start thinking about this is this morning when i had to use the bathroom (and pretty much always when i have to), i have a different sense of urgency and it is directly related to my hole being changed by Tops. First off, anyone who is familiar with me and my posts knows that i am really into the cerebral/psychological side of Top/bottom, D/s, so the whole idea of Tops or Doms who love to own and mold a bottoms hole is enormously HOT. i know from reading that there are a lot of bottoms here who take pride in their holes still being "tight" even after lots of use, and i always have just kinda gone silent at that point because i cannot say i have that. Like many of my fellow bottoms, i exercise my hole and am able to control the inner muscles so i can squeeze and milk my Tops cock, but my opening has been changed. It closes, but it isn't "tight" like it used to be. The truth is, if i didn't have the inner muscle control that i have, it feels like i might mess myself because of the opening. (i hope that doesn't gross anyone out, i'm not into scat, but don't mind Tops who are as part of a mind fuck scene, but that's another topic). Because i have the inner muscle control, i can hold it in, pretty much indefinitely, but their is a sense of urgency and a little fear that goes along with it. okay, enough on that topic My point is my inner hole is well developed and i can tighten it anytime i want, but my opening seems to have been forever changed by the Tops who have used it. I wouldn't call it "loose," but it does provide pretty easy access. i find i don't have to open it nearly as much as i used to to accommodate a Top. Large Tops still make me wince if they just shove in, but i never have to ask them to start slow anymore. Psychologically i find this hole thing hot. i love that my hole is not like a 'normal' hole, that it is physically changed from being used by Men. i also love Men who are consciously into the effects they have on the holes they use. For me it's one of the reasons i am not offended by words like "pussy" or "cunt," etc.. It's not that i have any desire to be a woman or feminine, i am neither. It's the idea of power and change that draws me. For me, my changed hole is the signature of the Top who has used it and i love having that kind of relationship with a Top, where there is that connection that we are both aware of and love.

I don't use CL, or even gay hookup sites that much anymore, seems easier just to go to the adult store, much more reliable sex. Something I have noticed though is homeless guys who use those sites as a way to find a place to sleep for the night. They never come right out and say it, but it's usually the guys who post that they: "cannot host or travel" (i.e., they need to be "picked up). I usually avoid them. I never sleep overnight with a hook up. I'm not really opposed to being a place for a guy to fuck and sleep, i think it's kinda hot really, but would be concerned about safety or theft with sleep over with anyone i didn't know. I've encountered it when i travel also, guys looking for a free hotel room. Kinda funny and a little brilliant lol. The last guy who tried this, when i suspected he was homeless and looking for a place to stay, I asked him directly if he was homeless and he admitted he was. I got to a point where i was going to do it, but by that time he was "locked in" for the night because he was at a shelter. anyone else encounter this?

lol, yeah, i haven't encountered that, but see what you mean. It's hard for me to put the two together (i.e., "tops that can't perform/or lies about being a total top), because they are two different things. My first answer was about the top that can't perform, guys who are lying bother me and are a total turn off.

To me, this is All part of it, there can be all sorts of reasons. I love men and I’m a bottom. For me it’s the tops attitude and desire to top I’m attracted too first. I wanna be penetrated by a top who loves to penetrate me, so I’m pretty damned happy to feel that energy and spread my legs for him. I feel badly if he does. I never feel like laughing at him, I just don’t feel amused, more like I want to find a way to help him enjoy.

Cool topic, some really great replies. I don’t think there’s a standard reply. I love a D/s dynamic, but the dynamic I love has nothing to do with rough or force or pounding. For me the best kind of power involves mind fuck... a sort of grooming that both are aware of, but the sub just can’t resist because the Dom knows how to play him and evoke submission.

As a bottom the idea of having my cock and balls removed or modified is more appealing than i think the reality would be. I lean more towards chastity as a form of modification than actual removal. I did have a Dom say to me once that the best gift i could give him was the gift of my balls. That scared the fuck out of me and attracted me at the same time. I am turned on by the idea of hole modification when a Top is into it. I.e., I love the idea of a Top modifying and changing my hole. I had a Top FB once who played for a long time on my hole, eating, fingering and using a dildo on it. I didn't realize later that He was slowly and purposefully working to change the way it looked, which was part of His intent. He didn't want to be sudden or harsh, He wanted to change it without my knowing. I was face down the whole time and He liked me to wear a blindfold. Before He left, I heard a "click" and when He got home he sent me a pick. He was very proud of what He had done and my hole had little lips and looked like a slit or pussy. He told me that when He was eating my ass He was purposely sucking on it to get that effect. He totally captivated Me with His desire to mold and make my hole His.

hell yeah, love amateur 'porn', or just real sex that guys have videoed, that can be awesome. so agree with this

I LOVE story line porn, but if it is poorly acted it's just funny... which is cool too, just doesn't get me all that hot and bothered, just makes me smile.

I was particularly interested in this as a scientist and evidence based practitioner, thank you for posting your thoughts ErosWired. Here's a great article with several cited studies for you nerds among us who may be interested in such stuff.

I can see where it can be argued that aging effects an openly slutty bottoms chances. i don't see that as a result of being openly slutty though, but of aging. Yes, there is a percentage of younger guys, probably the majority, who do not want an older guy... but any aging person has that to deal with, gay, straight, slut, prude, etc.? If all one wants is to be with is younger guys, it will get progressively more difficult to find them, but not non-existent or impossible. I continue to be surprised by the number of younger people who hit on me (men and women!), but aging has definitely changed my attitudes towards who i am slutty with (i.e., pretty much "any guy"). Guys who i wouldn't even give the first glance when i was young, have a ready and willing place for their cock now. I don't think i'm the only one like that. I.e., many are all growing older together, it's not an isolated condition, so we all can be slutty with each other. I just spent the last 5 days at a gay resort (my 4th time in 12 months), the third different resort. Each time, the majority of the guys are older, more than half have obviously stopped going "to the gym" (if they ever did), and i guarantee, any one of these guys could get some from me (and many did lol). It seems that having a slut around is advantageous because it seems for many a slut, being slutty precludes selectivity. Pretty much if you have a cock, you qualify. I lost count of the number of cocks i sucked the first day, and by today, i've lost count of the number of cocks i've had up my ass. i can add, completely honestly, that last night i had some of the most intense, mind blowing sex of my life. I'm 61. I'd say probably half the guys i had sex with were older than me. Guys in their 70's (and not just a few), who are still viable, horny Tops. The young guys (younger than age 30 that you note) were in the minority each of the 4 times I have come, and half of them liked older guys. As to health and physical condition, i can address that from the perspective of a healthcare professional. It is a fallacy (they actually teach us this in our medical education) that aging must equal ill health. The reason it often does is because of poor diet and lack of physical activity. I work in critical care and specialize in treating/reversing disease through diet and exercise. I eat a whole food plant based diet (vegan on crack) because i know it is the only diet that can prevent, and in some cases reverse, the majority of diseases the put people in the hospital in this country. The Western diet is poison. I exercise and lift weights. I'm not a gym rat, just doing what science has demonstrated helps keep me healthy. Funny thing is, being a slutty bottom is part of what motivates me to do this lol. Re meds for HIV. Typically, the longer a medicine is around, the cheaper and more available it becomes. Once it has been around for 10 years, it can be made generically and it gets much less expensive. So, just as more guys are staying alive because of meds, more meds will come available to keep HIV infected people alive, not less. Cost will go down, not up. I would encourage you, and anyone else, to be considerate of their health as much as possible. Obviously as a slut, i put myself at risk. On the flip side, i choose to exercise discipline in other areas of my life, like diet and exercise. My health is much better (i.e., i am at less risk for the diseases that are killing most people) as a slut than people who eat burgers and pizza every day and never leave the couch. That's not a judgement on them, we all make choices, i advocate for making them consciously. "Who do we have?" We have each other.

Great topic, not sure how i missed it for so long? i think most angles have already been explored in this conversation, butt one thing that stands out to me is the potential for change. ErosWired notes "being made a cumdump" i don't think anyone is born a cumdump, so there is a process we have gone through that has brought us to this point? My point is, people change. Probably most of us sluts can look back at a time in our lives where we would have not wanted us either. I have had top fb's who started out disdaining me and ended up really liking my lust. I appreciate this. i find i have developed over time into someone who tries to really focus on and be present with the Top i am with. i have learned that it's not just His cum i want, but the fullest pleasure i can give Him. For me, orgasm is an exchange of intense joy and pleasure that's almost magical. He is giving/putting His joy and pleasure into me. To me it's a part of His essence. i think i can miss out on a lot if i lose mindfulness of the individual connected to the cock. For me, anyone giving me their cock till they release is giving me something extremely special, the cum is a token of that to me, but it is only a part of the experience. If i focus on only cum, i miss out on a lot. The reverse is true for me. Tops who are sliding their cock in and are purposely withholding their orgasm end up making me feel pretty worthless and empty, no matter how big they are or how they move around, you can tell if you're just a number or if they are really present. So why wouldn't the opposite be true?

I get this. It's hard for me to imagine an romantic tangle that does not include sex, butt then, i love the idea of being woken up in the middle of the night by a cock sliding into my hole or pushing against my lips lol. I think i'd feel frustrated without the sex part, so it's hard for me to imagine being in a sexually incompatible relationship.

I'm pretty much with everyone else on this one, i.e., no hands-stroking the cock. I absolutely use my hands to titilate other parts of His body, mostly ass and thighs. When I almost always have one hand holding His balls. I love GH sex, unless the hole is too small to get his whole cock in my mouth and hand cupping His balls, then it's sorta frustrating. If i Top has a particularly large cock, i will sometimes grasp the base for a few to work the tip of His cock, but that's just grabbing hold, like a handle. I endeavor to take every mans cock, all the way to the root, in my mouth and throat.

Damn, this is an awesome discussion NLbear, so many great replies, thanks again for starting it. I kinda tripped over the word "list" even as i was writing it. i agree with you and fetchingPisser about "recognizing a soulmate or best friend when you meet him." For me that's the mysterious attraction i felt when i "fell head over heals" for a guy after being with Him for one day. It totally violated my sense of reason, but in my mind i was picturing us hand on ass, walking into the sunset. i haven't experienced that very often, if ever, to that extent anyway. And then it turned out to not be mutual lol, but i was still grateful for those intense, romantic feelings. I think this is not as unreasonable as it sounds either, more than 85% of communication is supposedly non-verbal, so just because we haven't put it in words doesn't mean we haven't communicated on some level (this coming from a lover of the pen). I should clarify that when i suggested a list, it was more of an exercise of identifying what you are wanting/looking for, not something to put out there in a profile necessarily or even a shopping list. More of an exercise in self awareness and nailing down some of what often just comes out as feeling. It's a way that helps me get in touch with myself.

^THIS^ This is a perfect example of what i was trying to describe. I think the biggest mistake many gay couples make is trying to emulate straight norms. i don't think it's always conscious, i think many of the 'norms' that we hold to are just unconsciously engrained in us from growing up and living in a culturally/socially straight/patriarchal environment. We try to make reality submit to the standard instead of finding a standard that fits reality. To me, that would be the appropriate "hard work" of a relationship, identifying reality and then creating standards that fit it. So many relationships do the opposite, they set unrealistic standards that are bound to fail because they are "unrealistic."

I think I pretty much agree with badjamie and kptNLine on this one, assuming the sub is a total bottom. Without that assumption, I agree with everyone else, that being a sub means submitting, i think it's pretty straight forward (so to speak). But I think the question can have some layers to it, as noted by badjamie and kptNLine. To me it may depend on which trait is more dominant in the sub, i.e., does he identify as more sub or more bottom, because as others have noted, they're not the same thing. I've had some experience with this. i had an online relationship with a Dom that was very intense. He's very experienced, i am not. He had made the comment to me that i am one of the most submissive guys He's ever met, i have no frame of reference for that. i think one of the things that made it so intense is that neither of us was "playing." it ended for two reasons, i couldn't sustain our relationship from a distance, with nothing other than online contact. Secondly though, He was very cock centric in His Dominance which helped me understand just how bottom i am. The dynamic simply was not sustainable for me because He was expecting me to be something i am not. So I find myself thoroughly agreeing with kptNLine and badjamie that surrender is based on trust and this would be a violation of trust.

I've been noticing these ads on a4a for awhile of porn that is attempting to put a story line into the porn vs just showing guys having sex. Some of the more recent ads i have noticed are from men.com. I think they are definitely on the right track, i am much more attracted to porn that looks like real life than just a couple of performers, but it is so contrived, poorly acted and written, that i end up laughing (really hard) instead of getting turned on. One shows four guys, ostensibly having a dinner party together. One couple is hosting, the other is a couple where one has a remote butt plug in and his partner the remote control. The guy with the butt plug in (is really cute) so over acts that it's just hilarious. My only sexual thought is: "damn, i'd like to find a butt plug that is that powerful." In the ad, he is pushing all the dishes off the table, and standing up and grabbing at himself supposedly in response to his partners button pushing. You'd have to be a complete novice at sex and toys to even remotely believe this. Another one shows a supposed gay guy trying to get his "straight" roommate to notice his dick. Again, just the ad iis fucking hilarious (it would never entice me to actually see the whole movie). There is no sound in the ad, just visual, but the guy they picked to play the "straight" dude is SO stereotypically gay, and you do not need sound to tell you that. His response is more "ew, gross," vs wtf, bewilderment, confusion, anger, etc.. Then there is one that shows the "neighborhood pervert" sneaking in for some sex. It shows a guy chasing him away with a baseball bat and I swear you can tell this is the first time that actor has ever held a baseball bat. He looks more like he is cheering at Mardi Gras than chasing an intruder. Again, just totally funny and nothing sexy about it (accept the idea), it's just too poorly executed to be anything but comedy.

I appreciate you bringing up this topic for discussion, and think you are making great points and asking pertinent questions. This is the coolest online gay community that i participate in. There's some very thoughtful discussions on breeding zone, which is counter intuitive, eh? Most people would probably not figure this as a place for intellectual discourse, which is illustrative of how the 'norm' doesn't necessarily equal correct. I think a lot of what could be forever relationships fail because we try to make them something they are not. We push them beyond their limits, and they break. Which is not to suggest that there is no such thing as the "hard work" you note, but what constitutes pushing to hard to make something fit (that never will) vs hard work? I'm not sure we always objectively delineate between the two. We often seem to approach relationship with a list of ideals, which is destined for conflict with our partners ideals where they do not aline. Then there's the element of attraction that cannot be fathomed. I had pretty much given up on the idea of falling head over heals for someone as the stuff of Disney movies, but then it happened to me last year. When I consider it, I never would have chosen this guy from a crowd visually, nor would i have chosen him from a resume, but being with him hit some very big buttons in me and I fell hard and fast. It wasn't mutual, but i'm okay with that and pretty grateful that i experienced the feelings. I don't believe in trying to make something happen or fit, to 'win' him over. I think you are absolutely right that the non sexual aspects of a relationship can effect the sexual. Some of my best sexual relationships have been with fuck buddies where there was no formal commitment, but the relationship continued from mutual desire. Chances are we weren't even compatible in other areas, but there was no conflict because those other things never factored in. I think the idea of a relationship with another bottom has it's plusses and minuses. Two bottoms would understand each other, but would their needs end up conflicting with each other? Would they end up competing for the same guys and end up in conflict that way? It's easier for two tops to share a bottom than two bottoms to share a top, no? Really though, relationship can obviously "work." Have you formulated a list of what you are looking for in a relationship? I know that sounds very clinical and totally unromantic, but i think we compile those lists whether consciously or not. I think it might help find someone if you just put that out there?

lmao, i love this. I've never seen a guy do this before in a public restroom. I've been known to expose some crack if i was feeling brave (read: "horny") or as a signal if i thought the guy next to me was interested. I've been fucked at the urninal before in a department store restroom.

lmao, that is incredibly effective, even when you're joking, totally made my legs spread and my hole twitch. Certain kinds of dirty talk are almost hypnotic in their effect on me. A guy who is not forceful, but reads me and expectant makes me wild. I know this sounds weird, but my favorite are guys who are grooming in their approach vs expecting you to already be what they want. i had a fb i met with once a week for over a year and he got progressively dirtier and dirtier. the first time we got together (i was always face down and usually blindfolded, i never saw him the whole year and a half we played), he gave me an amazing, sensual massage, he got me so relaxed that when he got to my ass he whispered in my ear: "i'm going to turn your hole into my pussy, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" It was the first time a guy had ever called my hole a "pussy," but the way he did it all I could do was agree. everything he did was like that, was awesome, he could talk me into anything.

5 years old is very young and he had no coping mechanisms to help him deal with having his volition violated. Rape isn't so much about sex, more of control and he could very well have PTSD, in which case you forcing him or fucking him without consent could trigger him big time. He probably would benefit from therapy. If he is "quite insecure" he could very well still be suffering the effects of trauma. The fact that he gets pissed off when he sees you are turned on and are excited over him being raped seems pretty good evidence to me that he would not enjoy you doing the same thing as his cousin and uncles did to him.

Wow, great topic. I was married for 31 years (to a woman). I've had sex with easily over a thousand guys, but she is the only woman i have ever been with (though there's been plenty of opportunities. We divorced in 2008, but she was the one to ask for the divorce. I have always loved her and still do. For me, sex was not what made us incompatible, if was religion. I spent most of my life trying to change my sexuality and when i finally realized that wasn't going to happen, my religious beliefs changed. Turns out you can choose how you believe (rolls eyes at self). I even thought I might be Bi, but i'm not. I often joke that being gay saved me from god, but what it saved me from was certain ideas. I think the reality of being different from the 'norm' (sexually in this case), is a gift. Being different has helped me develop an attitude that questions traditional or assumed notions on just about every topic, including relationship. I agree with thkpc: "The odds that you and the person you are attracted to are compatible on all elements is nearly impossible." I looked for a romantic relationship with a guy after divorcing, but it hasn't yet happened, but relational needs go beyond romance. Even though we traditionally lump them into one relationship, what makes that the 'right' approach? For instance, there's a lot of sense to having a financial agreement with a person, where you share residence and the costs associated with having a house. Living with someone affords a lot of other relational opportunities too. I know this isn't exactly what you are talking about, just approaching it from the other end. Does love, and even romance, require sex as part of the mix?

oh gee, yeah, a few times. I'm 6'5" but yoga helps. Probably the most memorable time was in the front seat of a car in the parking lot of a church, I straddled the guy. and he bred me. I've owned several 2 seater cars, pretty sure I couldn't pull it off in the small cars I've owned.

I can relate to so much of this. Also really appreciated what PheonixGeoff said. For me, so much of sex is mental/emotional. It's like the physical act is an expression of something more? I get and appreciate versatile guys, but for me i like the extremity of Top/bottom, DOM/sub, Yang/yin. By "extremity" i mean the extreme pull of two opposites. I've never had a whole hand inside of me, butt have experienced a few who have started the process and i feel like, even though i have yet to have a whole hand, that i am headed that way and that my hole is forever changed. I don't think fisting "destroys asshole" but for me, it changes it on every level, physical, emotional and mentally. For me, it's a further mark that a Top puts on me, marking me as even more of a bottom for a Tops pleasure... which is my pleasure. For me, the chemistry works full circle. Love what PheonixGeoff said about trust because trust vs force makes for so much more. I've had this fantasy where I wake up with a Tops hand inside of me. I know, lol, that's probably ridiculous, but to me it speaks of my love of the dynamic of extremity of desire between a Top and bottom. I love the notion of a Top being so TOP that He is hole obsessed and skilled to the point of being able to creep His way into a bottom who really wants Him. For me it's about mutual desire expressed from two opposite directions.