Who else here is into monogamy?

[garsento]

This summer has been a bit of a surprise for me in a few ways. I had not expected that I would end up leaning into a new monogamous relationship, when I met my future partner mid-July on BBRT; I had only hoped for good sex. Instead, I would fantastic sex and an amazing connection, something that survived a trip away and that grew only stronger on my return.

Monogamy feels right for us. For me, at least, I do not regret my past; I had fun, I have had a lot of fun recently in the past few, including some uninhibited sex in my first months on PrEP. I am glad I have, not least since that was what put me on the track to meeting my partner. I think my partner is of the same opinion.

That was then, though. Right now I have him, and that is more than enough. Regular sex with a hugely hung and skilled vers top who cares about me is all I want and need. We can do anything together, and we are on track to do more. Our water sports together are fun, and his big dick/small hand bodes well for fisting, for instance.

Monogamy as socially imposed is a bad idea. Monogamy as a choice willingly entered into, as a way to continue exploring someone you love, can be a good idea. We know we who are, what we have done, and what we want to do together, and that is more than enough for us.

What about other people here? What are your experiences?

[FelchingPisser]

49 minutes ago, garsento said:

What about other people here? What are your experiences?

Congrats.  I am pleased for you if that is what you want/need right now.  As I have said so often on here, it is wonderful that we, as gay men, can make up the rules that work for us.  Whatever works for the two of you is all that matters.  And what works now, may change over time.  Communication is everything.

Personally, I met my life partner in college.  I thought I was in a monogamous relationship back then.  But we quickly realized we needed more and opened it up, with rules that worked for the two of us.  We had no issues with separating sex vs love.  He has been dead now a long time and I can't imagine I would go the monogamous route again.  If I found the right man, I would love to have him go with me on my sexual adventures.  If we were playing separately, he would need to bring home that loaded ass for me to use...

[Guest]

I commend anyone who chooses monogamy. I tried it 2x and it’s just not for me. I dated one man for a year monogamous but broke up with him as I knew cheating was inevitable and I didn’t want to be THAT guy. There were too many close calls of me potentially cheating that I ended it. Simply put I just can’t commit sexually to one person. I can commit my love to one person and I have no desire to date anyone but I need freedom to have sex. 
 

For a long time I thought I would be single until I met my partner. We have been together 5 years and open all those years & honestly has been the most loving and authentic relationship I’ve ever been in. Before we started dating we had a frank and honest conversation and we are similar in that we enjoy sex a lot, have it often, and that we wanted to be in love but having freedom to have sex as we wish. My partner and I are honest with each other and no secrets. We openly go to parties, baths, and hook up and we are honest about it. A good example is yesterday. My partner invited a top buddy of his over and they had fun in our play room while I was downstairs doing work. I am perfectly fine with it and I am happy he’s having fun.  At the end of the day I love him and no one else. I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to be with anyone romantically. When I hook up or have sex with others, I am eager and happy to get back to my partner. When he and I go to parties or have group play, we are eager to just relax together after.

monogamy is great for those who seek it and I think it’s awesome however I think those who are open like mine I think our relationship is just as great and valid. 

[FelchingPisser]

11 minutes ago, NudistBBBLK said:

however I think those who are open like mine I think our relationship is just as great and valid. 

I totally agree and support you.  I know so many couples who have open relationships and it works really well for them.  Each has slightly different rules in how they play outside of the partnership.  Communication is everything!

[garsento]

I think that the key thing is that, whatever you opt for, you be honest and communicating with your partner about your needs and theirs, and to take responsibility for your actions. There are people who post here, talking about how they can't stop themselves from taking loads and lying to their partner, and I don't believe them. Unless they are being forced to have sex, of course they are making the choice to have sex with other people and to betray their partner's trust. They just want to escape their responsibilities.

I would note that I do not see how being monogamous necessarily requires cutting oneself off from friends or from the link community. Lots of what we do is pretty non-vanilla (not, I would note, that our vanilla sex is not great). Being watched is something that I think we both like. 😉 It just requires clear boundaries and active discussions.

Maybe things will change for us. I don't know. I can say that the idea of me having sex with another person, or him, or even us after sufficient talking, is something that makes me sad. Why would I do anything that did that?

[viking8x6]

At this point in my life, I'm confident that it's not for me. I've been around the track a few times and tried it both ways. I'm completely upfront with people about it, especially potential partners. I certainly don't judge people negatively for choosing the monogamous path. I might occasionally find it sad that I won't get the opportunity to play with a monogamous guy I have the hots for, but it's not a big deal. There are a myriad reasons for missing out on one man or another, and I don't feel shortchanged; there are more men who do reciprocate my interest than I will have time or opportunity for in this lifetime.

[ErosWired]

3 hours ago, garsento said:

Regular sex with a hugely hung and skilled vers top who cares about me is all I want and need. We can do anything together, and we are on track to do more. Our water sports together are fun, and his big dick/small hand bodes well for fisting, for instance.

Of course you would be into monogamy with this perfect-guy-for-you-who-fucks-you-daily. If everyone had a man like that, we would all be monogamous. One-stop shopping is very convenient. But would you have the same feeling toward him if he had a 5-inch cock? If his hands were too huge for your ass to take? If he squicked at the idea of piss play? You’re extolling the virtues of monogamy as a way of exploring with someone you love, but what you tell us about this person isn’t that you love him, but that you have a great connection because he cares about you and the sex is great.

Monogamy succeeds when there is parity in the relationship, when each gives as much as he gets, and all needs are met. It’s not an easy balance to maintain. That’s why it’s often referred to as “commitment” - it can be a lot like work. He may be meeting your needs; are you meeting his in equal measure? Are you going to be able to continue doing so? It sounds like he has great attributes; do you bring something of equal value to the relationship?

Perhaps you do. Perhaps you have just the qualities he needs in a perfect partner, just as you are. If so, congratulations - you won the lottery. Most people don’t. Monogamy for most people, in the end, means commitment, compromise, and ultimately choosing to be content with what they have instead of what they might be able to get. For those of us who had the contentment of monogamy and now know the pain of its loss, it can be a little bit of a harder sell.

Edited September 29, 2022 by ErosWired

[garsento]

13 minutes ago, ErosWired said:

Of course you would be into monogamy with this perfect-guy-for-you-who-fucks-you-daily. If everyone had a man like that, we would all be monogamous. One-stop shopping is very convenient. But would you have the same feeling toward him if he had a 5-inch cock? If his hands were too huge for your ass to take? If he squicked at the idea of piss play? You’re extolling the virtues of monogamy as a way of exploring with someone you love, but what you tell us about this person isn’t that you love him, but that you have a great connection because he cares about you and the sex is great.

Monogamy succeeds when there is parity in the relationship, when each gives as much as he gets, and all needs are met. It’s not an easy balance to maintain. That’s why it’s often referred to as “commitment” - it can be a lot like work. He may be meeting your needs; are you meeting his in equal measure? Are you going to be able to continue doing so? It sounds like he has great attributes; do you bring something of equal value to the relationship?

Perhaps you do. Perhaps you have just the qualities he needs in a perfect partner, just as you are. If so, congratulations - you won the lottery. Most people don’t. Monogamy for most people, in the end, means commitment, compromise, and ultimately choosing to be content with what they have instead of what they might be able to get. For those of us who had the contentment of monogamy and now know the pain of its loss, it can be a little bit of a harder sell.

Agreed entirely, FWIW. Constant attention is needed.

[onlyraw]

5 hours ago, FelchingPisser said:

Congrats.  I am pleased for you if that is what you want/need right now.  As I have said so often on here, it is wonderful that we, as gay men, can make up the rules that work for us.  Whatever works for the two of you is all that matters.  And what works now, may change over time.  Communication is everything.

I agree that gay men are lucky that we get to set our own rules

and whatever type of relationship you are in it is important that you both have the same expectations and good communication 

congrats to garsento!! And here is to a long and happy relationship 

[BootmanLA]

4 hours ago, ErosWired said:

Monogamy for most people, in the end, means commitment, compromise, and ultimately choosing to be content with what they have instead of what they might be able to get. 

Or, as Dan Savage rather succinctly puts it, "There is no settling down without settling for."

[hntnhole]

Monogamy doesn't necessarily mean never fucking anyone else.  When you and your loved one fuck some fresh meat together, or go out to the backrooms together and fuck guys, then - by definition - that is not cheating; that's playing together. That's answering the 'call of the wild' together, and that kind of depth in a relationship is fantastic.  

If, however, it's the intrinsic dishonesty associated with "cheating" - i.e. the dishonest acts are fun, thrilling merely because a guy is "getting away " with something, and it happens to be sex, (not stealing stuff, or other anti-social behavior), there's a whole 'nother issue at hand. 

When we indulge in outside sex with our loved-one, the thrill is exponentially increased, watching our partner take a hard Breeding from Cock after Cock,  sucking off Cocks, one after the other, or whatever scratches the itch.  Each guy's Lusts are reinforced, deepened, celebrated, and it's shared with each other.  What could be better, I wonder.  

Any/every relationship involves some give/take, and that's as it should be.  If dishonesty with each other enters into the relationship however, that's a sorrow waiting to wreak havoc on both parties. 

[BootmanLA]

On 9/30/2022 at 7:33 AM, hntnhole said:

Monogamy doesn't necessarily mean never fucking anyone else.  When you and your loved one fuck some fresh meat together, or go out to the backrooms together and fuck guys, then - by definition - that is not cheating; that's playing together. That's answering the 'call of the wild' together, and that kind of depth in a relationship is fantastic.  

If, however, it's the intrinsic dishonesty associated with "cheating" - i.e. the dishonest acts are fun, thrilling merely because a guy is "getting away " with something, and it happens to be sex, (not stealing stuff, or other anti-social behavior), there's a whole 'nother issue at hand. 

When we indulge in outside sex with our loved-one, the thrill is exponentially increased, watching our partner take a hard Breeding from Cock after Cock,  sucking off Cocks, one after the other, or whatever scratches the itch.  Each guy's Lusts are reinforced, deepened, celebrated, and it's shared with each other.  What could be better, I wonder.  

Any/every relationship involves some give/take, and that's as it should be.  If dishonesty with each other enters into the relationship however, that's a sorrow waiting to wreak havoc on both parties. 

While I agree with almost everything in this posting, the first sentence is just not true. "Monogamy" means having a single partner. Literally, it means "one marriage" (ruling out secondary wives or husbands), but in a world that recognizes relationships other than legal or religiously-blessed marriages, "monogamous" is appropriately extended to having only one sexual partner. (Once you extend that to the rest of the animal kingdom, it is often limited to "for the current breeding season" - meaning a male and female pair up for the season, but the following season the pairing may be completely different.)

While I support any other variant of sexual partnership one might want, within reason - open marriages, open relationships, don't ask/don't tell, triads/throuples, quads, kitchen table polygamy, or whatever - they're not monogamy.

Adhering to established rules within a relationship - again, whatever those might be - is "fidelity" (from the Latin for "faithful"). Fidelity means you stick to the rules for your relationship. Expressed geometrically, "Monogamy" is an area totally inside the area labeled "Fidelity" - that is, all monogamy is fidelity, but not all fidelity is monogamy. Fidelity can mean "we only fuck other people together" or "we only fuck other people when the other is out of town" or "we only fuck other people who aren't friends of either of us" - whatever the rules are, sticking to them is "fidelity".

And that's why cheating is, in fact, usually referred to as "infidelity" in formal terms. It's being unfaithful - to the agreement, whatever it is, that you and a partner may have.

[Helmutshelmet]

I can commit to a partner but open relationships are required since multiple partners is a reality for me since I’m promiscuous and see regular fuck buddies weekly. I’m not monogamous nor does it appeal to me 

[hntnhole]

40 minutes ago, BootmanLA said:

"Monogamy" means having a single partner.

Ok. I take your point.  Let me re-phrase:  The "love" shared between partners is the monogamous part, to get down into the weeds.  The outside-the-loving-relationship sex is, I suppose, merely an ancillary facet to the foundational bedrock.  

Thanks, as always, for the interesting addition. 

[downtownswallow]

I've always avoided anonymous sex.  It just doesn't work for me.  I only get together with a small number of men that I've taken the time to know and feel a strong sexual connection.  For me, it increases my sense of safety and whatever degree of exclusivity we feel together translates into better sex for us.  I suppose that type of dynamic is a weird form of monogamy.