subbytch

I remember the moment I put a buddies' hand on my head while I was sucking him, he held my head down on his cock, I gagged, and he came. It was heaven. It's been my regular MO since, cum or not. It is a little scary. But that's part of the ride.

I'm going to make the opposite point to the common one here: perhaps you aren't wired that way? Some people love chocolate ice cream. Some people love pistachio ice cream. It's hell if you are expected to like pistachio but chocolate is the only thing that makes you salivate. Same thing with sex. There's an common expectation here that taking every load offered, from every person, every time, is the only way to be a good bottom. That's true -- if you are into it. If you aren't, it's not going to work for you, no matter how hard you try. It's okay to want some kind of closeness with the guys who drop loads in your ass. It's okay if some guys don't turn you on and you aren't interested in having sex with them. It's okay if you aren't into bathhouses or glory holes. If you've tried it and it doesn't work, or if you can't even see it within yourself to make the attempt, figure out what you -do- like and then go after that. After beating myself up for failing as a no-loads refused bitch, I changed course. What did I like? Who did I like? Was the sex better with the kinds of people I liked? Was I able to do more, push through more limits, have more fun, when I worked with my interests instead of against them? Hell yes. In short, it's okay if you want to take every load offered to you. It's okay if you don't. Figure out what works best for you.

I love swallowing a guy's piss, preferably when they've had mostly water, but I'll buck up and do it other times, too. It's partly about being a sub. It's also partly about turning guys on to something they didn't think they'd like. One of my FWB looked at me crazily the first time I suggested, after sex, a year ago. Now he walks in the door and all but drags me to the toilet to swallow his piss. That's damn cool.

The warmth, the connection, the strength. A cock feels different than a toy does, an a bare cock does feel different than a covered one. When a guy is pounding my hole, harder and harder, full abandon and me letting go and riding the wave, there is nothing similar to hearing that final grunt and feeling that full on shudder as he dumps everything he has inside. There's a solid warmth when he pulls out and leaves his jizz behind. Just often enough for a memory that longs to be renewed, I can actually feel the guy cum, either due to the force or the angle. It's pretty damn incredible.

I'll admit to being a bit embarrassed when I tell people I'm submissive and kinky in the bedroom. I know there's nothing wrong with it. I have no hang-ups about sex or sexuality. Openly gay and very sex positive. Still, when I come clean with people, that this fairly bearish, straight-sounding guy moans and begs like a girl in porn film, begging to be bred and abused in the bedroom, there's always an element of shame that bubbles up. Minds are weird.

Sex is fun. It's relaxing. It's exhilarating. If you live a life of the mind, the physical connection from being fucked and bred is just as important. If the sex you go after is also kinky, that's not surprising either. There is research that shows kinky, s/m sex gets people out of their heads and into the moment. It's all pretty wonderful. Plus, you are in your 20s, so hormones. The only alert I see is that you back out of going on Truvada for PrEP. I know many people on here want to seroconvert. Yet, you aren't positive, you love having sex, and PrEP allows you to have as much ass fucking with the least amount of risk for HIV science allows for. (Near zero.) Add hep and HPV shots and antibiotic PEP after being slutty, and you have the most comprehensive protection -and- the most pleasure available. There's zero difference in pleasure between being on PrEP and taking a bare cock and not being on PrEP and taking a bare cock. Have a long and rewarding academic career -- and get gang banged for just as long and with just as much reward. There's no reason to feel guilty. There are plenty of reasons for using the best technology available to minimize the risk of an adverse event.

Be careful when summoning Abraxas. As per your link, he's a wholly owned copyright of Pazio Publishing and their Pathfinder Fantasy Role Playing Game. While demons are bad, lawyers are far more evil and ruthless. Whatever horrors Abraxas might inflict, the terrors of copyright litigation are far, far, FAR worse.

Being cognizant of the rules here, I played those games kids play when I was a kid. Nothing to the level you mention. When I hit my early teens, I figured out I was gay at the same time the gay community -- and me -- figured out AIDS had arrived. I built a full lounge, wetbar, and and walk-in bathroom in the back of that closet to survive the teen years. I'd have loved to have been fucking around like you were. So props to you. Thankfully, I came out at 19. Unfortunately, I then spent decades pretty much only sucking cock. As I love having younger tops now seed my hole, I can't help but think I'm making up for all the tops I missed out on when I was younger. Life is crazy.

I have to say that sex isn't supposed to be miserable. (Well, unless being miserable while having sex makes you happy.) If you aren't up for taking loads from anon stranger, don't. If CL hook-ups are failing, then don't have them. If your fantasies of being a cum slut give you pleasure, stick to them. If you are deeply in the closet, perhaps it's time to reorganize your life and find a way out. If you are always anxious when you have sex, it might be time for therapy to challenge the anxiety and put it toned. Perhaps you need to save some money and hire a pro for a few times, first to just meet them at your place or a hotel one or twice, then working up to getting them to fuck you on an additional visit. Maybe you need to join some other kind of gay group and see what sex pops up as a result. There's no -one- way to do this. You get to experiment, without pressure, to find what kind of sexual life works for you.

We're wired like we're wired. There's not much we can do about it. If you don't like hugging people, there's zero chance you want random people cumming in your ass -- unless your lover has a role in those guys who do the cumming. It's just not you. I suppose you could spend every evening a bathhouse, ass up in the air, taking loads until you are numb, but why? Even the people on here who are no-loads refused bottoms love being no load refused bottoms. All that you can do is figure out how your psychology works, see where the joy comes from, and embrace the fuck out of that. Look, there are countless people on here who, despite their profiles, are having sex with condoms if they are having sex at all. Not everyone on this page is exactly what their profile says. You at least have reached a point where sex without condoms is fine. (I've reached that point, but it took PrEP do it.) There are people here and in the world that would love to be able to do even that. There is a way for you to find the pleasure you want. It does start with letting go of being whatever you think a bottom is supposed to be and discovering what kind of bottom you actually are. The way you are feeling right now actually isn't it. :-)

You aren't alone. I'll be 48 next month. So you -really- aren't alone. I would love to be a no-loads refused, bathhouse every week, gang bang every fortnight bottom. Despite trying, I'm just not wired that way. Porn is great, fantasy is great, but in real life, I need some kind of connection -- fuckbuddies, friends with benefits, lovers -- to really cut loose and let go. One time, decades ago, I went to a bathhouse, all pumped up and ready for sex with anyone in side. Payed whatever the ridiculous fee was, entered into the dark and slutty environment and... turned around and left. The guy behind the glass laughed and was surprised that I didn't ask for a refund. I wasn't scared. I've shown up naked on the doorstep of a top I'd never met before, both on command and ready to serve. The point was we'd been talking for weeks. I had a sense of him, was excited by him, and had a fuckton of fun serving him. The randomness of the bathhouse, of truck stops, even the CumUnion party I went to after going on PrEP and stayed all of five minutes at, just doesn't do it for me. Random hookups? Not really. If there's some kind of chemistry when they walk in, great, but their dick doesn't do it. Again, it's about connection for me. I'd still like an orgy. I'd still like to be used by several tops at once. I still prefer open relationships to closed ones. I just need for there to be some level of connection or interest there in order to get excited. As much as I love, love, love, sex, fortunately or unfortunately, it's not just about getting a cock in my cunt. It's about the person attached to that cock, in some form or another. Find -people- that you want to fuck around with. Ones that you know going in that you are ready for whatever they have in mind. You have an open relationship. You might need a fuck buddy that you can call on to pound your ass. Since your liked your BF pimping your hole, have him do it for you more often. Find a social group that goes on hikes -- then fucks around at the top of the mountain. The nudist groups that I'm part of have events where a room is set aside for fucking. Still not exactly my thing, but if I hung around with someone for a while and was interested, I'm sure I'd take advantage of the space. There -is- a way through this. It starts with letting go of the idea that there's only one way to be a slutty bottom. There's your way -- and that's perfectly fine.

Sex is tricky, as it's so pleasurable it's easy for a person at most any age to decide if they like the feelings, but difficult to figure out the age when a person is reasonably capable of appreciating all the pitfalls that go along with the pleasure. If you said a 7-year old was, I'd argue and fight you over that. If you said an 18-year old wasn't, I do the same thing. I argue with people all the time that if a 16 year old is responsible enough to drive a car, they are responsible enough to fuck. I have a problem with people who argue a 12 or 13 year old is old enough to own / use a firearm, but not old enough to fuck. I really lay into people who are okay with charging children as young as 8 as adults in criminal matters. Clearly, you knew what you wanted. It doesn't seem like you were abused or damaged by your or other's actions, whatever age you started. I don't know if we could use your experience as the guide for all experiences, as fun and awesome as it was.

Yeah, I think we do. Or a greater percentage of us do. It's both strange and wild to me how much that kind of nasty, hard, crazy sex feels just as intimate as being held and made love to -- and not, in the same moment. The best sex I've had is with tops that alternate between domination and softness. Hell, both things happened simultaneously. Being a bitch is a strange, strange thing. lol

Which still doesn't change the fact you've demonstrated no knowledge of medicine and efficacy in relation to Truvada for PrEP. No false stats have been presented here. We -- me -- questioned your self-stated expertise in this subject area. Your comments are at odds with not only published research, but the actual drop in new HIV infections being reported in cities where PrEP and viral suppression have been implemented. The side effects for Truvada as PrEP are well known. Mild to non-existent in 98% of people who take the medication. In the remaining 2%, the side effects pass after the drug is stopped and restarted. In no case do they endure after a person stops taking PrEP. It's a simple fact that it is cheaper to prevent HIV than to treat it, whether that prevention involves condoms, Truvada or both. And Truvada is still cheaper than treating HIV. Condom use fell off years ago, years before PrEP became available. Hell, this website is dedicated to people who want to fuck without condoms. Condoms are effective at preventing 7 out of 10 HIV infections. PrEP prevents 8.6 out of every 10. That's a massive difference. If people want to get HIV, that is on them. If people want to get bred -and- have less of a chance of getting HIV than they would if they'd used a condom, PrEP is the way to go.

I think if you were really in the medical field, you'd understand that is a 99% reduction in your odds of contracting HIV. For a bottom, according to the CDC, your base odds of contracting HIV with a partner of unknown status are 1.43% per act. PrEP, at 99% effectiveness, reduces that to 0.0143%. That's a negligible risk. If PrEP protects at 96% -- you missed a dose or two -- that's still 0.0572% chance -- which is ridiculously low. In comparison to condoms, a study last year determined self-reported condoms use stops 7 out of every 10 infections. Documented PrEP use stops 8.5 out of every 10... and that was with the earlier, lower effectiveness levels averaged between users and non-users. It's hight than that now. PrEP is an amazing advance.

Well that was hot to read.

Sure, if you climb into a sling in a bathhouse and take all loads, there's no reason to expect that you won't possibly be exposed to HIV. But that's not -really- what we're talking about here. Stealthing is about the top starting a session with a condom and removing it mid course, or starting a session with a condom that has otherwise been rendered useless, all without the bottom's knowledge or consent. That's -is- wrong. One party thought they had an agreement with the other party on how they were going to interact. The other party unilaterally changed the terms of the interaction without telling anyone. Not nice. Let's take the term victim out of it. Let's also take out of the question of how often this scenario happens -- I personally think it's rare -- or if it's just a common fantasy. It's a dick move, period. There are plenty of people on forums like this and out in the world who proactively state their desire to be pozzed. Whether they are sincere or fantasizing, if a top has a burning desire to knock someone up with HIV, these people are an excellent to share with. If a person is firing live virus, find other people that want the live virus . That's the responsible thing to do.

No, it's not okay. It's not okay to remove another person's choice from a situation. People do make a choice to bug chase, have sex without a condom, even to give up consent for a set period of time. Deciding for another person that it's okay to remove the condom they negotiated, told, or even expected the other person to use, isn't fair in any sense.

It is pretty astounding, right? PrEP is almost too good to be true, but then so is being undetectable and uninfectious. I think we've lived with pain and the fear of death for so long that many people think we deserve it. I hate that. It's going to take time, though. Last numbers I read said 100,000 people in the States were on PrEP. That's from last year, and I think it was based on the previous year. There's more than that now, more still when you count non-US countries, but still not nearly enough people for such an incredible drug. Talking about it is really important. I've actually had several mothers of gay sons, friends on social media, find out about PrEP from me and go do the Mom Thing with their kids.

It's the fuck that leads to the load. lol. I love the guy pounding away, extremely hard, hearing him gasp, twitter, twitch, and then feeling him release while falling into me. It's not exactly one or the other.

Fantasy vs. Reality. Some people really don't care who breeds them. Some people would like to be that way, but reality intrudes.

Go get on PrEP. Ends worries over HIV. Get tested for STIs every quarter. Offer your ass to everyone. Take as many loads as you want. You get as much pleasure as you want. Any STIs get zapped. You take more cock. It's that easy. :-)

Wrong? No. It's pretty healthy to have fantasies. It's also pretty healthy to have kinky sex, at least according to the latest research. Most of us have fantasies about being raped, forced into having sex, gang banged, or gang raped. That's pretty normal, too. "Rape" implies there's no consent. I'm not sure people who fantasize about rape want no consent, or just want to give up consent for a while to other guys, then take it back later, after the sex is over. As rough as they like it, it's still not the same thing as being beaten, stabbed, or otherwise violated by a rapist -- which is how far too many rapes go. There's a lot of good, hard, rough sex you can have out there. You can find partners. You can figure out safety. Or not. I don't worry about people who arrange or desire some pretty hard and overpowering fucking. I only get concerned when people not only express a wish to be pretty severely hurt during a rape, but actually seek out people willing to do that to them.

Health insurance is sticking around for a while, though it might crumble in the smaller, poorer states. New York expanded Medicaid, they have ACA, and they've also made a commitment to getting to zero for new infections. If you really don't want HIV, then go get on PrEP. New York will cover it. If you have HIV, New York will also cover medicines and treatment. They will get your virus to undetectable levels. Undetectable also means you can't infect anyone. If you want to get HIV, do nothing. All pretty simple, really. :-)

Ha. It's a great fantasy to have.