leatherpunk16
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A Brother in Trouble
leatherpunk16 replied to chi4loads's topic in Bug Chasing & Gift Giving FICTION
Hi guys. Long-time reader, first-time poster. I've been following this story with interest. It's quite good. Might I make a few comments? ChiLoads, at the outset you say it's your first attempt at such a fiction. Excellent start. The wide variety of characters keeps it entertaining, and hot as fuk in many chapters. You clearly thought about what you wanted to write and how to tell each incident. But I think it's starting to suffer from repetition. Joe has become the main character now, and Mark disappeared into the background. I thought he was the more interesting of the two. To add to the variety, I think the narrative might be improved if you insert something a little different than just breeding and seeding. What makes a story interesting is conflict, a problem for the characters to solve. Something of a dramatic and sensational nature would do, something to break up the constant cycle of meeting new characters who want to get charged up. It was hinted at when Eric wanted Mark's seeds, or when Kyle kept his hookup with Mark a secret. I think if you took it in a new direction, it would make a compelling tale. Give it a try, okay?
