tallslenderguy

Great discussion! Have my "standards changed?" Yes, though my tastes have remained pretty much the same. For me, the biggest qualifier is a Mans need/desire to breed. If that presents, He can have me via my hole and it awakens my own need/desire....usually. Romance is a lot more complicated, but casual sex? His need/desire to penetrate and seed are pretty much the only qualifiers.

i say "total bottom" because it's less confusing than trying to explain. For me, it's not just physical, i feel like i am psychologically 'bottom' as well. But every once in a while, my cock will end up in an ass. It has not happened for years now, but i know the possibility is there, but it's an exception vs a permanent or ongoing state of being. i don't think i could be in a relationship where it was an ongoing thing or expectation for me to top. i was married to a woman for much of my life, and i had to be top in that relationship, i suspect that exhausted the top that may have been in me.

i do love the way hairless feels and looks, but it is a lot easier to let it grow and i find Tops seems to be about 50/50 when it comes to what They like. As to the pussy look, that's been a lifetime process. There's a sorta base that has been formed over the years that can be tweaked by a Top or plug or dildo or________? Over time, it's become more malleable. 😉

The plot thickens. i don't think you "pushed him," Who initiated the kiss? it seems there's quite a bit of sexual tension between you. i think you are learning a lot. He took off his glasses because you told him you like his eyes, that was a gesture from him. He also "likes what he sees inside of you." Kissing you left him breathless. It seems clear to me that he is attracted to you, but does not know what to do with his attraction. i think you are right that this is new to him and it seems he is feeling a lot of confusion and is conflicted as well.

my first thought is, you text every day, you have kissed and slept together, so, you already are in a "relationship" with him and you do not have to "imagine." So many of the thoughts and feelings you are having derive from your relationship to him. And, yeah, i know, you were thinking more along the lines of a clearly defined relationship, but i think where some confusion may come in is trying to reconcile what is with what 'should be.' i single quote "should be" because i believe our conditioning, both cognitive and emotional, is often the source of conflict and confusion in our lives. The conflict comes from trying to reconcile what we think or feel should be with reality. To me, you seem to be parsing out what you feel, think, want, don't want, nicely. In my opinion, the idea of just kissing him on the lips is totally romantic and personally, i'd melt in a guys arms if i was into him and he did that with me ( i'm a romantic), but honestly i think that would be putting the cart before the horse. i think what needs to happen is verbal communication. I.e., i believe you need to be open about your thoughts and feelings... a step at a time. E.g., instead of leaping in and presumptively kissing him on the lips, tell him you want to. That's a half step in the direction that will give him choice and participation. i think/feel the same way about everything you have told us about your thoughts and feelings for him, that he is the one you should be sharing these things with. Not necessarily all at once, but each step will guide you as to whether you move forward or backwards.

i don't know, but my feel is that your professor is as closeted and conflicted as you are about the relationship. It seems each of you is afraid to come right out and share what you are feeling and thinking about each other. i think it's easy to imbue the older, professor guy with credit for being more mature and having the answers, but the truth may be he is as scared and inexperienced as you are when it comes to a gay relationship. A great thing about an intimate relationship is knowing and being known. It's also scary and vulnerable, risky. i have experienced very few guys in my life who were willing to take the first step of being open about who they are and what is really inside. There are those who will open once the other person does, then there are those who just let y0ou stand there naked, and never respond in kind. As i've aged, i am more selective about those i share my heart with, but i still do it way more often than i experience it in return, and pretty much never experience it from someone who initiates. Still, i'd rather take the risk than not, the pay off when the connection occurs is life itself to me.

Great thread BlackDude, thanks for starting it. There's been a lot of discussion on this site about "flakes," and this discussion is reminiscent of that phenomenon to me. i suspect there are lots of reasons that all seem to coalesce into a group of guys who either will or won't fuck? i thought of another group of guys who won't fuck that i don't think has been mentioned, and that's the ED group. i've seen more than a few guys at theaters/abs/sex clubs/saunas who are eternally jacking, but never seem to get hard, or hard enough to penetrate. i've encountered a guy from Squirt who has contacted me for years telling me he wants to fuck and breed me, i also see him cruising the local ABS online and in person expressing the same desires. i hooked with him a few times years ago, and he never actually fucked me. He tried, made a big show of it, but never got hard enough to penetrate. The first time it happened, i just excused it to nerves because his energy and intent seemed so real and sincere. But the same thing happened the second time... and third (lol, i hate to give up on any guy who wants to fuck). Turns out, this guy is in denial. What gave it away was him contacting me wanting to hook and saying what a great time he had before. It seems this guy is doing the best he can, and his version of "fucking." i feel for him, but stopped hooking with him because it was really frustrating to experience him trying to penetrate the whole time, yet never getting there. i'm guessing there is a group of guys out there who want to fuck, but for various reasons whether psychological or physiological, cannot perform. The need and desire is there, they just can't do it, so they end up doing a form or fantasy fuck that doesn't fit the standard version.

Currently letting the hair grow. i like how i feel smooth, but have a FB who likes it hairy, so here it it after having a hollow plug in for awhile, He loves it pussy like, so i made this for Him.

To me, one of the wonderful things about intimate relationship is the potential for discovery, learning and growth. Our emotions can draw us in and draw us out, open us and expose parts of us that might otherwise be hidden or even unknown. Some of the things that can get exposed is our standards, ethics, ideas of morality. As some have noted, it seems both of you may be in this dynamic place. He may be in a new place and experiencing similar questions as you. A few thoughts to add to the discussion: The fact that he is vague about telling his family that he is with you when they call is telling i think. i think we often hide when we feel vulnerable or feel at risk of losing something. Fear of discovery and the possible rejection that may go with it. He could have this fear with you and his family because he is feeling something for you that might risk rejection if found out. my other thought is that you seem to have not nailed down what it is about being with him that you want/like/need? Your title says: "in need of a father figure." On the other hand, you seem to have sexual feelings as well? If that is the case, are you conflicted about feeling both? You may associate feelings and needs that you are having with stuff you think you might have had with a father, but there is no telling really what you would have had in reality. I.e., those are projections. i think one of the expectations of a father/son dynamic is the notion that the father is in charge, stable, has the answers, etc.. But i think what may be happening here is both of you are experiencing something that is new and brings insecurity and vulnerability with it. The truth is, he is older and has more life experience, but he is not your father, he did not raise you. To me, the most important thing is to be honest (both of you). The harder thing is to be openly honest, because there is vulnerability and the risk that comes with it... but there is also potential for wonderful things.

i think anonymous always increases your odds for getting fucked. The blindfold would make it a little more anonymous, but the slings i have seen usually feel exhibitionist to me vs anonymous, so even though you would not see who's fucking you, others could/would. If the Top isn't into being watched while fucking, it narrows the number of guys who are going to approach you.

No "struggle" here, i've long practiced introspection and know how i feel and think and i think it's important to be able to articulate those things. i don't think it's that hard to do, juwt that we just aren't practiced at it. i think we learn how to hide our perceived vulnerabilities from an early age. Add to that, we are talking about guys who wanna get fucked. Despite more recent trends of acceptance, guys who want to get fucked are still considered lesser or perverted by many. Then there are the subtle rejectors and the internalized, unconscious phobias. i think all of these things can contribute to the 'struggle' for many. For me, it is a layered answer that can have so many components. my simplest explanation is: "i'm a guy with a pussy." i have the testosterone drive a guy has, and a woman does not, but it's all wired to my hole, receiving and being penetrated , where other guys are wired to penetrate and impart themselves into another. To me it's like a mix of male and female chemistry, but not solely one or the other. For instance, i was married (to a woman) for many years. One of the distinct differences i found between the sexes was how romance was perceived so differently. For me, it's intensely romantic when a Man gropes me or expresses His lust. In my experience, women want/need other things before it moves on to the physical, or they just do not seem to need/want sex like a male does. In a lot of male/female relationships, sex gets weaponized or becomes a manipulative tool in the hands of the woman that she uses to get other desires/needs fulfilled. None of that enters in (for me at least(. i'm a guy who's 'cock' just happens to be in back. And sex is much more than physical for me. To me, male Cock and male pussy are emotional/psychological 'organs,' as much as physical. Sex is always better for me holistically. When the Man i am with is in touch with Himself, fully knows His need/desire to penetrate, fuck and inseminate and understands my corresponding need/desire to be penetrated, fcuked and inseminated by Him, sex becomes a mutual, symbiotic experience, not solely about Him or me, but completely about us experiencing something we cannot have solo.

i'm glad you do not "... intend to delete and disappear." If you and other people like yourself, delete and disappear, it seems to me "the future...for this site" would be more of the stuff that you are "sick of," and fewer of the thoughtful posts and threads like this one you started. i get it, i to work in healthcare, on the front lines. It's a constant fight and challenging effort to be caring and care, it costs. When i step back and try to get perspective, i tend to think that communities like BZ are a microcosm of the world. Albeit, a sub culture in many respects; our outside the norm attributes do not remove the things we have in common with the larger group we are a sub group of though. When i look at the bigger picture of the world, i am impressed by how drastically things can change, and often quickly. To me there seems to be a precarious balance in most of life, cultures. i see culture as a collection of individuals, like yourself. i think the most (if not the only?) real power we exercise to influence culture is in what we do with our individual life. i hope that you regroup and hang in, continue to post and counterbalance the "zero clue..." voices.

Bout 10 minutes ago. Got a regular FB i've written about before, young bi muscle stud who's always horny (lucky me). He hits me up often, sometimes 2x a day, a lot of times when i'm at work and cannot, but He never gives up and it's turned into a nice relationship. i'm always waiting naked and ass up, door open. Sometimes He flips me on my back, always comes a couple of times. He's getting more vocal, less shy, which helps me know He is enjoying Himself... i sure as fuck am, involuntary "oh fuck" coming out of me as well as groans and moans of pleasure. Today He asked if He could suck on me first, He wanted to try it. i'm not into getting my penis touched or sucked, not that it doesn't feel good, it does/did, but i explained to Him that my orgasm is when a Man has an orgasm inside of me, it's what fulfills me sexually. Still, i said okay and He didn't make me cum that way, it just made Him hard and then He flipped me on my stomach and penetrated me and fucked me good. Damn, so good. i'm sloppy wet right now and feel soooooo good.

i have a mac book. i downloaded without issue, filled out all the questions, but it did not auto calculate. i hit the reset button thinking that might do it, but of course, it only erased all the answers to the questions.

i think "force and capitulation" can extend to physical, but i think it starts with an attitude of bullying and presumption. To me the bullying part is an effort to compensate. You used the word "bluff" in another response, with i think fits perfectly. i feel similarly about role play (which is just a personal feeling on my part, not making universal judgements). The feelings i am having when i bottom or feel submissive, are real, they do not need to be forced, bullied, coerced... and to me, if the response is capitulation, it's not 'real' or the same as submission. When a particular kink of Top evokes feelings of submission from me, there is no force involved or necessary, it's a natural response to Who and how He is, opposites attracting. A rapist will sometimes tell their victim: "you know you want it." To me, that is extreme bullying, force, capitiulation. But there is a situation where chemistry is there and both parties experience it an a Top may say: "you know you want it" and it is true. The first is presumption, the second is real knowledge of the other person and reading and experiencing the attraction and bonding of opposites. To me, that is an almost magical experience.

Wow, yet another reason why i love this community of guys. Thanks ErosWired for starting this thread, and thanks to all who have thoughtfully contributed. The notion/disposition of human hierarchy is one of the things that is/has evolved out me during my life. Not that it doesn't exist, i just don't consider it a model to aspire to or live by. Any more, i am bemused by the variations of Putins in the world, i see them as the opposite of how they present, i.e., weak, pathetic and overcompensating. i do think nature is rife with examples of opposites though. Taking it down to the smallest level, there are positively charged ions, negatively charged ions and neutral ions. The charge on the electron and proton are exactly the same size (i.e. equal), but opposite. Of course, humans are more complex than individual ions and, as far as we know, ions don't have stuff like emotions or cognition... further studies are needed. i believe the strongest and most stable bonds occur between equal opposites and the notion off inferior/superior is inherently unstable (50% of 'traditional' marriages end in divorce). my point is, i think the notion of say Top or bottom superiority/inferiority (respectively) is more of an embellishment or construct than a reflection of intrinsic attraction. i think force and capitulation are a poor imitation or substitution for natural attraction, connection and bonding between opposites. Not suggesting that sexuality (male or otherwise) is a simple proposition, but i have come to believe that things like "role play" are just that, "play." To me, stuff like that gets in the way of discovering and experiencing what it actually there, that it's a form of denial or disbelief.

i don't think being made love to and being used are necessarily mutually exclusive.

Here is an excerpt from the link blackrobe provided (thanks blackrobe). The law reform happened 2 years ago so it's a little strange to me that the map ErosWired provided from the same source doesn't seem to reflect that? (the map was updated 4/2022?). "ESHB 1551 reduces penalties for HIV exposure from a felony to a misdemeanor, requires specific intent to transmit HIV and for transmission to occur, and removes the requirement for sex offender registration. Before this reform, the law carried a felony conviction (punishable by up to life in prison) for exposure, which required neither intent to transmit nor that transmission occurred." It is striking to me that the former WA law carried "felony conviction... which required neither intent to transmit nor that transmission occurred." i think it's important to remember that half the US voted to elect a vice president a few years ago who is openly anti gay (pence). This from the ACLU "Sodomy laws began to be used in a new way, distinctly against gay people, in the late 1960's. As the young gay rights movement began to make headway, and the social condemnation of being gay began to weaken, social conservatives began to invoke sodomy laws as a justification for discrimination. In nine states, sodomy laws were explicitly rewritten so that they only applied to gay people. Kansas was the first state to do that in 1969. Kansas was followed in the 1970's by Arkansas, Kentucky, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, Tennessee, and Texas. In two states, Maryland and Oklahoma, courts decided that sodomy laws could not be applied to private heterosexual conduct, leaving what amounted to same-sex only laws in effect. In many other states, including Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, North Carolina, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Dakota, Utah, Virginia and Washington, government agencies and courts treated sodomy laws that, as written, applied to all couples, straight and gay, as if they were aimed at gay people." i was arrested in Virginia in 1998, for asking an undercover vice cop pretending to be gay at a popular gay cruising spot, if he wanted to fuck me. 1998!?! i was charged with a 100 year old Virginia law that made sodomy a felony (the judge reduced it to a misdeamor). Bob McDonnell was elected governor of VA in 2010, he was openly anti gay. Laws criminalizing HIV are, largely, another form of sodomy law in my opinion, they are anti sex, and often, anti gay laws.

i think you've gotten some great input, so my thoughts will likely just repeat or underline what's already been said. Self diagnosing "addiction" has become almost as mainstream as self diagnosing depression. Using the term applied to gay sex was popularized by fundamentalist religious culture back in the 80's. Fundamentalists, then and now, equated any gay sex to being addicted and compared it to alcoholism. They did a similar thing with porn. Lots of fundamentalist christians believe that if you even think or imagine having sex "in your heart," it's equal to having had sex "in God's eyes." Too me, you seem to have two separate and distinct issues? One is bareback sex, the other is cheating. i may have missed it, but i cannot tell from your post if the relationship that you are cheating on is a man or woman? As BootmanLA notes, "tradition" has resulted in a lot of gay men marrying women, so depends on what "tradition" you are referencing? But if you are cheating on a woman, then i would suggest you have more/different factors to consider that could be complicating your desires/needs. On the other hand, i know there are also gay men who want to incorporate religion into their lives. Some religions have a "tradition" of accepting gays, others do not, some have modified to be inclusive, so the term "tradition" applied to those can be tricky. Again, i'd reiterate i believe talking to a pro is in your best interest. We don't have enough info or background to give anything more than opinion here. That said... If your behavior is truly compulsive (and i think there is such a thing), that could point to an unmet need that you are trying to repress/suppress. A good therapist can help you identify and deal with the reasons behind your unwanted behavior vs just concluding that your desires/needs are immoral. I.e., you may be repressing/suppressing a part of your self that you would not consider immoral (e.g. barebacking) that is leading to compulsive behavior that results in the cheating that you do consider immoral.

i have a younger FB who's really sweet, but very quiet. He tells me after the fact that He usually cums 2 or 3 times when He is fucking me, and He frequently contacts me to breed, so He must enjoy. But while He is fucking He makes no sounds at all, it's like He is in stealth mode and i cannot tell that He is enjoying. i nvver try to make sounds or say things, but it comes out of me involuntarily lol. i moan and make noises, not constantly but it's like my Top is playing an instrument and He knows i am fucking excited to have Him inside of me. It doesn't take much at all to help me know He's happy. Guys who just say something like "oh yeah" or "oh fuck" turn me into Their total breeding hole. And i fucking love it when a Top tells me He is cumming. Drives me absolutely wild.

i don't think there is a one size fits all answer to this question. i.e., the only One who can answer this is the person you wanna "keep telling ...how much you love the way His dick feels." my body often writhes and i moan and groan a lot when i am receiving a Man into me, those are all forms of communication. i believe connection is all about being open, vulnerable, real with each other. i've been with guys who seemed like they were trying to hard, that the words or expressions were things they'd seen in a porn movie, or they felt obligated to say, so it was forced. i think communication is paramount, that we all need to develop the skill, but i think it needs to be honest and open, and that part of communication is including the other person in the process.

Pdx is an odd place to try and hook. i live about an hour from Portland and previously tried Hawks (one of two local BH's) prior to Covid. i have not tried sense then because my experience was pretty lackluster the times i went. i wished for a 'dark room," but what they have at Hawks would only qualify as a dimly lit walk in closet. As a gay guy who escaped a repressive culture, i have an aversion to closets. Seriously though, i'm glad to read it's not just me, that Pdx has a different sex culture? i travel through Pdx airport on my way to Palm Springs when i need wonton sex and haven't even tried Pdx for several years. The sex shop where i live is a lot more active. i just figured i hadn't found the right hang outs in Pdx.

This is kinda fascinating to me because i have experienced where a Man was really into penetrating with something other than His cock, and it was as if it was a part of Him. The same dildo in the hands of a Man who is connected to what He is doing vs one who is not there and mechanical, is very different. i've experienced the same with fingers, mouth, hand... and i know You get this. i know i'm in a minority of bottoms who do not get into using a dildo on myself or self penetrating in some way. i used to. i started putting things inside my hole when i was 7, but somewhere along the way, my imagination and fantasy were no longer enough to fuel my need/desire to be penetrated by a Man. It has to have the real energy of a Man anymore, otherwise it feels sort of fake and empty for me. Almost like cheating, if that makes any sense lol. If i am not sharing my lust with a Man, it's just not the same.

Most of my sex with Men has been anonymous with me lying naked and face down on my bed... i.e., i don't see who is fucking me. That's actually been liberating for me when it comes to my own bias of attraction. For those i have seen, some of my best sexual encounters has been with Black Men and Hispanics, so i have an unreasonable, but emotionally positive attraction. To me, bias of a visual nature is emotional, not rational. my goal is HIs cock and His desire/need to breed and the connection that can happen in that mutual dynamic, so it would really be irrational to reject someone based on visual bias... and if one is blindfolded or otherwise unseeing, things like "fat, fem, ugly, race, etc,, become non issues. Not saying we'd all be better off blind lol, but it is revealing what removing that sense can change.

^^This^^ i love having my hole 'marked' by a Top. For me, the opening, molding process that some Men practice and get off on is something i perceive as a type of impregnation. For me, that's opposite of the energy behind wanting to "wreck" a hole. i know with some, that is just a term, and not meant literally. But there are others who truly wanna do damage. To me, that is a form of self hate, trying to destroy something you love and need? But the process of opening, shaping, molding a bottoms hole? Hell yeah. To me, that is a reflection of a Tops creative nature and energy, a big part of what bonds us together.