tallslenderguy

Yes. i've written about this in other threads, but i had a FB (actually, when i lived in Louisville ? ) who made it His goal to change my hole. His thing was changing it from 'just an asshole to a pussy." It was not a feminizing thing, it was all part of His mind fuck and i adore Him to this day. my hole is definitely changed. The opening is more a slit instead of a pucker now, and it is easier for a Top and cock to access. It's definitely more suited to receiving than retaining. my inner hole varies. Sometimes the tissue swells and i can feel every bit of any cock that enters me, other times, it's just an opened hole. i personally don't ever miss the feeling between a large and smaller cock, my head is so into the whole idea of a Top wanting and needing to breed that size just doesn't enter into the equation that much for me. Of course, i can feel the difference, but my thrill and fulfillment comes from my Tops energy and drive to breed. The most satisfying part of sex for me is when i hear the orgasm response of my Top to fucking me. i know from what you have written that you have plenty of control over your inner hole muscles, that you are able to squeeze and milk a cock and know about the exercises to keep it toned. Still, i wouldn't doubt that your hole has been modified and marked by the Tops who have loved it.

i love to read/hear of stuff like this. i've known more than a few guys in open marriages, where their partner/wife knows who they are and still loves and accepts them as they are. It's wonderful to see people break out of tradition when it doesn't fit reality.

lol, yeah, it is an awesome connection, eh? my older gay brother used to joke: "if god had intended men to get fucked, he would have given them an ass hole."

i think you've gone a wee bit byond the "curious" stage. ?

i married as a kid and was married for 31 years. i was very religious and my belief system considered being gay a "sin." my former wife knew of my attraction to guys before we married, but it wasn't taken very seriously, the notion was it's a choice. i was a virgin when i married and resisted being with a guy for the first 6 years of our marriage, and then i tumbled. Ironically, sucked a guy off when i was doing volunteer work on a missionary hospital ship. i didn't tell her what had happened, but i separated from her after that, feeling guilty and that i was gay and not going to change. That separation lasted about 6 months. i did love her, felt guilty about abandoning her and my little kids. The gay culture didn't appeal to me (i'd only experienced a tiny side of it). i still had a part me that thought being gay is a choice, so we got back together. i thought i was "over it." Of course, i wasn't. i cheated like a mad man. Sex for me became my only form of affirmation. i'd hook, then feel ashamed and guilty about it. i'd often cry on my way to hooking up or after. For me, it was torture. It took me what i consider a ridiculously long time to process through my beliefs and realize that reality and my beliefs didn't aline. In 2006, i came to a place where i had processed through all the stuff that kept me from self acceptance. i told my former wife: " this is who i am, we can stay married, but if we do you have to understand you are married to a gay person." She was still religious and of the belief that i could choose not to be gay, so after some marriage counseling, we parted. Marriage, for me, was a tortured, painful existence. Not because of being with a woman, i loved and still love my former wife. But because of our beliefs, it didn't work. i hated myself for all the lies and cheating, that was the "torture" for me. i hated how i hurt my former wife, she was devastated when she found out about my lying and cheating. Today, i am the happiest, most peaceful person i know. Honesty cost me pretty much everything, but it was and is worth it to me.

^^ this^^ to me, there is no better way to cum than from getting penetrated by a Top, controlling both His pleasure and mine. fuck yes

i'm poz, i got that way after taking probably a few thousand men inside of me bare. Cognitively, i knew the risks, emotionally i wanted/needed the connection with the guy i was with more, so i took the risk and have no regrets. When i started the topic, i was thinking of guys who consciously and purposely try to get or give HIV. i purposely posed it as a question vs a statement, then stated some of my own thoughts and feelings. As i have read through responses, i can see how this can be much more complex. i too think there is a "deficit of knowledge," but that even with that knowledge it doesn't necessarily change ones emotional disposition. i watched and cared for my once gorgeous brother, die from AID's weighing about 85 pounds, covered in Kaposis and having an anal tube because he had uncontrollable diarrhea. This was in the 80's before we could suppress the disease, yet i still went out and got bred by guys as often as i could get them. i was not trying to get the disease, i didn't want it, i lived in fear of getting it, but my drive/need/desire to connect with a guy was greater. my intellectual and experiential knowledge of HIV didn't change my emotional disposition. But, my emotional disposition didn't change my intellectual understanding of the disease either. I.e., i didn't change my understanding to try and fit my emotional desire and need. i have a strong desire/fantasy to have a Top's hand in me, as well as other parts and stuff that comes out of a Top. For me it has ever been about what's inside of the Top , i.e., how He feels and how He expresses His needs and desires to connect, more than just cock and cum. To me, those are just two of the ways a Top and bottom can bond. i LOVE Tops who have different ways of making that connection. i think you're a thoughtful, beautiful person, i'm glad you're a part of this community.

"...a chicken?" lol. sigh. It may be that we just know (and experience in my case as a healthcare provider) too much about disease process to be emotionally captivated by chasing/pozzing. For me, it's understanding the destructive force of the disease that keeps it from crossing into my emotions as a desirable "mark"or "connection" that a Top can leave. The first time that a Top pissed up my ass, He purposely plugged it and encouraged and ensured that i'd hold it long enough to absorb some of it. He knew it would combine with my urine as a result. It did, i could smell His scent in my urine when i voided after, just as He told me i would. That ended up being a huge turn on for me, made a big impact emotionally because it was a way of Him becoming a part of me in a sense. i have a similar attitude about a Tops cum. i never expel it or want to lose it, i always want to hold it in me and absorb as much as possible. But intellectually, i get that i am not getting His dna as part of me. There are other ways as well of getting a part of a Top to become a part of a bottom, but disease to me is not a good idea.

Thoughtfully written find91, i think you make some good points about the desire for closeness and oneness being a part of the mix for some. i should have been more careful in my wording, because i honesty see very few things in black or white, this topic included. Life, in my experience, is rarely that simple. So thanks for your thoughtful perspective. i do still think there are some who have internalized hate, and again would qualify that i don't really think it's a conscious thing for most. On the other hand, emotionally, i get it... in a big way, because most of sex to me is beyond the physical. i'm one of those guys who loves the idea of having a permanent part of my Top inside or as part of me. Then my intellect kicks in and says: "hey, this is a disease...." So, i separate, but i have an emotional construct where i want to have a Top as a part of me, so it's not a simple thing. Emotionally, HIV doesn't figure into the equation for me, but i can see how it could/can... it's not simple.

Oh my god too, lmao. i'm pretty confident you're the only one who has taken what i've written the way you have. You are stating the obvious, and yes, to assert that HIV is a death sentence if one is taking meds would be incorrect. i'm not an idiot, that's not what i am talking about. i'm talking about the people who romantasize getting HIV, who purposely do not take meds, so that they can infect others. There is a sub culture that calls their selves "gifters" and "chasers" who purposely try to get infected and infect. And yeah, i think that trying to get or give a disease can be a form of self hate.

Apparently someone can be this clueless. i've taken care of people dying because of HIV. Obviously it is because, without taking meds, HIV leads to AID's . Here's some stats about HIV and AIDS. supporting what i am asserting about how damaging and destructive HIV is. Calling this "completely loony" strikes me as "armchair analyzing."

Do you have evidence to support this claim?

Even in 2019, HIV can be a death sentence if you are chasing. For many, if not most, chasing means not taking the meds that can prevent one from getting the disease, or prevent one (if one is a "gifter") from infecting another. The point of chasing, for many, is to eschew the 2019 meds that keep HIV infected people alive/healthy or from infecting others.

Oh wow Eros, great question, i can't believe it's not been discussed as a separate topic here. i shy away from the term, but have said things like i can "have a piggy streak." As with many terms in gay culture, it seems their meaning is often fluid, or at least, not everyone defines it the same way. i know a lot of guys who have used the label then talk about how they want guys to spit in their mouth, or they are into "ripe pits" or other "strong man smells." i'm not, so i think a lot of guys would think i don't qualify as a "pig." On the other hand, when it comes to being bred, i look at it as anything the Top has made with His body that He wants to plant in my hole, and that can get pretty involved and some would say "piggy." i guess i am more internally piggy than externally?

Here you go. This is pretty exhaustive info for poz or not. ?

Jim's eyes, facial expressions haunted me too, he looked like he was a kid again when sharing, he looked vulnerable and delicate. I also was profoundly struck by how 'in love' with MJ that they were (and still seemed to be, even as adults who realized they were abused). i see it as a scar that MJ left. He didn't love them, he used them, but he convinced them that it was "love." That left an emotional mark on these people that is hard to remove, if it ever can be? There is a cognitive dissonance, because their feelings say one thing, reality says another. i think part of what made it all so convincing was that MJ was convinced himself that he loved these people, even though reason could have told him otherwise.

it was striking to me too how MJ "seduced" the whole family (i think you put that well). It also stood out to me that neither of the boys in the documentary are gay. i grew up in a culture that asserts that this is exactly the type of thing that makes boys into gays, so this was emotionally sort of validating for me to see in that particular way, even though i have known better intellectually for a long time. It also stood out to me how two faced MJ was with the parents. Around them he was totally charming, but behind their backs he would run them down to their kids. MJ didn't seem gay, but seemed to like boys (and maybe) women, but not men. His obsession with trying to always look young, he seemed emotionally/developmentally stuck in childhood. He was a very proficient manipulator, he got the boys and their families to love him, but i don't think he had love for them, he just used them to fulfill his needs/wants.

i watched the documentary "Leaving Neverland" on HBO a few days ago, thought i'd start a thread. Like most, i watched the news when Michael Jackson was still alive, knew of the accusations against him re having sex with young boys. He obviously had the money and managed to win in court. This documentary pretty much removed any doubts i had about it, i thought it was really well done. Besides the obvious, something that i found striking was how the two guys that were interviewed for the documentary are both straight. i grew up in a religious culture that tried to say gay attraction is a result of stuff like this. Though i long ago learned that being attracted to the same sex is pretty much intrinsic, it was still fascinating to watch. Both of the guys were clearly taken advantage of and abused by MJ and are still affected today. Have you seen it? What did you think and feel from watching it?

This hole is amazing, it looks like you can breath through it, taking deep breaths.

i was lying prone (i.e., on my stomach), so i had to go by feel a lot of the time. What i came to realize is it was His plan from the beginning to alter the look of my hole and that He was patient, this happened over time. He also seemed to get off on me not really being aware of what He was doing (i.e., changing my hole), so He was not obvious and i pieced together what He did retrospectively. For instance, He would say how much He loved to "rim," and He did do it a lot, but it was a slow and purposeful process really. Most of the Tops i've been with who are into rimming seem more focused on penetrating a hole with their tongue, being inside a hole with their mouth, lips and tongue. He was doing a combination of that and also a purposeful process of drawing my hole out and open. i keep using the word "slow" because that is how He kept what He was doing subtle and i think that is also how He made the results more permanent. But simply put, He opened and 'sucked' my hole out and into that shape with His mouth, fingers, dildos, cock, tongue with the intent of fashioning a slit with lips.

Thank you for weighing in. i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, i don't think the 'hatred' is conscious, that its strength and passion depends on its being buried deep as a motivator. i spent years going through so called "reparative therapy" which is supposed to de-gay a person. The religious culture i was a part of called it "love." There was even a de-gaying organization called "Love in Action." This is a very prevalent attitude in some religious circles, they term it: "love the sin, hate the sinner." It sets up cognitive dissonance in the gay person because, on the one hand, they have the reality of being attracted to the same sex and on the other hand are being told that is "sick" and "sinful." It took me a long time to process through that notion. i see the desire to catch or give a disease as similar, that those who feel that way have internalized the message that their desire to be with another man is bad and must be destroyed.

i don't think chasing or the desire to be poz is a kink, i think it is self hate. Attitudes towards gays have changed a lot in my life time, but there is still half the culture in this country who voted for a guy who's running mate is openly anti gay. If he had the choice, make no mistake, he'd legislate against us. As recent as 1998, i was arrested for asking an undercover "Vice" cop if he wanted to fuck me. i was living in VA and they still had cops who would frequent cruising areas, pretend to be gay and try and entrap gays. i was charged with a felony under a 100 year old "sodomy" law that made the expression of my sexuality illegal. The judge threw it out, the prosecuting attorney was livid. He worked for then attorney general Bob McDonell who was virulently anti gay and later became governor of Virginia. Imagine being gay and growing up as Bob McDonell's kid? That's the way it is for many gay guys, even in 2019. i grew up in a religious culture and literally hated my gay self, trying everything i could to kill that part of me, for 40 years. Wanting a deadly disease is self destructive and ultimately can be a form of suicide. i think the desire to be poz, chasing, and the desire to infect others is internalized hate of gays and being gay.

i don't feel like having sex when i have the flu, how much more would i feel that way with AID's?

my experience is the same as pozlover1, i.e., i don't need a plug to retain a load. i love the idea of a Top plugging me, but in reality, it's harder for me to keep a load if i am plugged than if i am not. i can usually hold loads for hours, overnight or until i have to go... by then, it's usually absorbed. i've even held piss overnight. There are stretch receptors in the rectum that stimulate expulsion (called the "defecation reflex"), putting a plug in can stimulate those receptors. The reflex causes involuntary relaxation of the internal anal sphincter. There is a delay mechanism that can be triggered, but that works by contracting the external anal sphincter and results in moving rectal contents back in towards the colon a bit to take pressure of the rectal sensors, that can't be done with a plug because is held in place and it is restricted from going in further.

yeah, i get that. i was super religious and it took me forever to get to a place of self acceptance. Meanwhile, i cheated and lied a lot. For me, sex with men became my only form of affirmation. i would crave it and couldn't resist, then immediately after (within seconds) i'd feel ashamed and rotten... then i'd do it again, often daily. And i did give her a couple of STI's and she believed me when i lied again. I learned early on to never get my cock sucked so i wouldn't give her chlamydia or gonnorhea. At one point, she got sick with CMA and i convinced myself i'd given her HIV, so i told her what i had been doing and it all came crashing down. Was awful, it really hurt her. i think it's better to be open now vs later. i don't think there is anything wrong with you and i think that's what traps us in situations where we feel like we have to lie. What's wrong is feeling you have to lie about who you are for fear of rejection or judgement.