tallslenderguy

i've been on Biktarvy 2 years now, my last CD count was 788 and my blood work is consistently good with no kidney or liver effects in eviedence. i'm happy with the med.

Yeah, i get it. Conditioned behavior can feel "natural," eh? i had an older brother, 13 years older, who was gay and died of AID's in the early 80's. i was still religious, married (to a woman) and trying to de-gay myself at the time of his awful death (he had every opportunistic disease one can think of, he was emaciated and covered in Kaposis). i was scared to death of AID's, had the religious notion that i was broken and sinful because i'm gay, yet i engaged in anonymous hook up sex and took bare Men's cock and their semen all the time. It was a horrible cycle for me where i would fight, and pray, fast, beg "God" to help me all while driving to the crusing place where i knew i could get fucked. As soon as i got a load in me, i was filled with remorse and would swear never to do it again... till the next day, or a few hours later. i came to realize after i accepted myself for who i am (i.e., "gay") that my compulsive sex was my only affirmation as a gay man, it was a form of self medication. The compulsive need dropped instantly when i accepted myself. But despite all that, i can count on one hand the number of times a condom was used (and i am in the >1000 cocks club). Strangely, i did not become poz till several years after i divorced. Ironically, i found out when i went in to get tested so i could get on PrEP. So, i count myself very fortunate that i did not infect my former wife. For me, sex with a condom is incomplete, i'd rather go without. i know that may seem crazy to some, but it's how i feel.

The question: "Why did you get into bareback sex?" is telling i think. Bare is the natural way to have sex. To me the real question would be why people choose otherwise? Was condom use between men having sex even a thing prior to HIV? Condoms were sort of like the 'mask' of the 80's and early 90's, used in an attempt to avoid infection, but wearing a mask or condom is not natural. Even for two guys having sex who wore/wear condoms, it seems to me it's a choice to wear a condom, not a choice to go bare.

For those interested, here's a picture of the male rectum and sigmoid. As explained by BootmanLA, the sigmoid curve is what is perceived as the "second hole" by Tops who have a cock that gets that far, and by their bottoms who feel it. What some describe as "opening the second hole" is more aptly described as penetrating and (temporarily) straightening the curve of the sigmoid. Everyone is a little different inside, not all rectums are the same length. As a bottom, the pressure we feel is the Tops cock hitting a wall, albeit a flexible wall. A sensitive Top can effectively open or straighten the curve. What the Top feels is the pressure of His cock pushing against and straighening that curve as His cock penetrates more deeply. Also, some guys have a more severe curve than others, so both the Top and bottom may feel it more intensely.

"A Rapid Self-Test is done entirely at home or in a private location and can produce results within 20 minutes. You can buy a rapid self-test kit at a pharmacy or onlineexternal icon. The only rapid self-test currently available in the US is an oral fluid test. A Mail-In Self-Test includes a specimen collection kit that contains supplies to collect dried blood from a fingerstick at home. The sample is then sent to a lab for testing and the results are provided by a health care provider. Mail-in self-tests can be ordered through various online merchant sites. Your health care provider can also order a mail-in self-test for you." [think before following links] https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/basics/hiv-testing/hiv-self-tests.html

i knew a Top online for awhile who wanted me to have titties. He was looking for the opposite of muscle. i'm a tall skinny bottom and didn't want anything huge, more the mind fuck aspect of a guy with tits. He sent me an electric breast pump and asked me to pump every day, and it did have an effect. He admitted later that had He lived nearby He would have slipped me hormones because He wanted to subtly fem me but not transform me. He also wanted me to produce milk.

Simmed? Rucked?

This is an old survey, a lot has changed in 11 years, so i didn't really find an answer that fits. i haven't discussed status i a long time, but always put in my profile that i am "poz undetectable." i suspect i miss out on more that way, but if a guy is going to wanna discuss it, he's probably not going to eat me i the first place. And it's 2021, if someone is still using terms like "clean" to refer to HIV status, pretty sure i don't wanna hook with him.

The way it's phrased it reads to me that he is feeling insecure, not superior? If he qualifies that he is "into" you, then follows with "but you are out of my league." i'd ask him for clarification about what he means when he says that, especially if you like him, why not strengthen communication vs guessing at what he means? Especially if your exchange with him took place in writing, it's so easy to infer wrong things from written stuff, especially if we are feeling vulnerable and insecure.

i get the intimate and romantic angle. i have a deep desire to bond with a special someone and i think it is a natural Top/bottom drive to want to impregnate and be impregnated (conversely). That said, we are talking about a disease that is potentially deadly if one is not on meds. Getting HIV will not ensure an ongoing bond between the giver and receiver, but it will ensure an ongoing bond with a pharmaceutical company. There are lots of ways two guys can experience the insemination/impregation bond. Piss comes to mind. To me, a Tops piss is a second form of semen that He can seed and impregnate you with. If you hold a Tops piss inside of you, you will absorb it. When you pee, you will even smell His piss mixed with your pee. There are so many ways two guys can experience a natural bond... i don't think a disease is a good bonding choice.

i'm in the >1000 cock club and i'd estimate probably 75% of them have been anonymous walk in, about 20% anonymous from various causing places like parks, restrooms, truck stops, and about 5% from regular fuck buddies. my ideal would have been a high sex drive, kinky Husband, but that hasn't happened to date. i have a lot of pent up kinky desires that would require ongoing trust and relationship, not things that generally happen from a one time hook up. To me, pretty much anything a Top wants to use or put or leave in me constitutes His "cock" and 'seed." For me, it a Tops energy and drive, desire and need that i connect with, so i am pretty wide open when it comes to kink, and have experienced a fair amount with fuckbuddies. The 75% walk in sex has been exactly that. An ad on CL when it was around, or from pre arranged conversation on a hook up site. i have almost never seen the guy fucking me because i am always laying face down and naked on my bed, door unlocked for Him. i cannot count the number of cocks and loads i have taken this way. Some may consider that "adventurous," but to me it has been my normal sex life.

in m experience, regular dicking fixes any hemorrhoids i may have. For me, It does depend on the Top. An experienced Top knows how to mold a bottoms hole and if He wants to gape or rosebud His bottoms hole, then thats going to happen. But i have found when a Top uses lube ad takes His time opening my hole, pushing on it from the sides, the molding process is more one of opening me. If He is fucking me on a regular basis like this, my hole becomes a slash, and then is always slightly relaxed and receptive. i've never ended up permanently gaped, but i have had my hole turned into something that more resembled and functions as a pussy than as an asshole, made more for penetration than retention. i have found regular cock in this way presses any hemorrhoids i may back in. Not into my hole, but subcutaneous from where they came. Pressing them in vs friction or rubbing them without lube in an out sort of like pulling on them. Hemorrhoids come from pushing out, straining, and receiving cock, i have found for me can reverse that and push them back in.

i agree with the others. There is nothing wrong with your desires and needs in my opinion, but there is something wrong with how you are trying to get them met. The kind of stuff you describe is some pretty complex S/m and i believe that is best experienced in a relationship with someone you know and have established a bond of trust with, not a first time meet with an internet hook up.

"Closets" come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and i think most people have them. To me, in a general sense, a closet is a place you hide the parts of yourself that you don't want certain people to see. "Hiding" is usually motivated by fear or anxiety over the negative response/s one might get if seen. i think most peoples use of closets is selective. I.e., one may be in the closet at their church, job, with their wife, kids, parents, yet have a separate life with FB's, gay friends, open and accepting people, maybe a family member. Those posting here are out of the closet here. i'm not obviously or stereotypically gay, i do not have attributes that general culture identifies as 'gay,' so in a sense, i'm generally closeted even though i do not feel the need to be secretive about being gay. Every time i mention that i am gay to someone at work, they are always surprised. me too, it surprises me that after 8 years working at the same hospital that all my peers do not know i am gay. This is one case where i wish people would gossip so all the hot guys i work with would feel free to hit on me lol. But okay, i get it. Like most from earlier generations, i grew up in a restrictive and non accepting culture when it came to being gay. i was part of a conservative religious culture that thought, and still maintains, that one can choose not to be gay. It took me till 2006 to process out of my cultural conditioning, which was my real closet. I.e., the emotional belief that there was something wrong with being gay, something wrong with me because i am gay. Once i came to a place of self acceptance, that closet went away. Do i have "regrets?" All sorts. i regret hiding and lying. i hated the state of confusion, conflict and ambivalence between the reality of who i am and the notions of who i was conditioned to believe i should be. Coming out for me was mostly a matter of self acceptance. my former wife knew i was gay before we married, but we were part of a religious culture that didn't have a clue about what that means. Had we really grasped the meaning of that, we likely never would have gotten married. But being married , having kids, all the stuff i did in a closeted state? Do i have regrets? Yeah, but it isn't a black or white answer, not an all or nothing situation. i learned a lot from my experiences. i learned how to be open, honest, vulnerable in relationship. i learned that is intimacy, how we can connect with another and experience the beauty and wonder of knowing and being known and loved. i know a lot of straight people who do not have that, not because they are 'gay' and closeted, but because they are otherwise closeted, hiding things about their self that they fear, if known, would get them rejected.

Prolly had a few thousand, but i'd rather have one Man thousands of times, where we were a good match, than thousands of cocks one time.

i think it's the Brittish who have a similar description: "tempest in a teapot." Leave it to the Britts to depersonalize it lol. i think we all have ethnocetricities, or approximations of them, and i think many of them are hidden. i listen to music from the 60's ad 70's and think now: "wow, that's sexist" But i didn't realize it then and would have been insulted had someone called me "sexist." i think there a plenty of social standards we take for granted that have religious cultural roots. Re your patient, i see it here too. Questions about sexual activity are a standard part of charting, but i rarely see it filled out. The thing about the gay patient is he may have other infections that do not get tested for because the system is to shy to ask. We give a urinalysis, but do not swab his throat or anus because straight guys don't suck cock or take it up the ass. So gay people often go underserved. It's understood here, and there are efforts to correct it. We have annual education requirements that teach everyone how to overcome heteronormative presumption, but it's a slow process. i totally get your ginger crush. i had a crush on my cousin as early as age 10 and i still have dreams about him that seemingly come out of no where. It's not like i sit around thinking about him, but he is obviously somewhere in my sub conscious.

lol, i love: "sea storm in a skull." And about some turning a blind eye to gay sex in Greek culture? It demonstrates how blind sub culture can be and reinforces ethnocentricity. i think it's a sign of love and maturity that you are affirming your friend because you take "for granted that [he] is str8." i'd question taking his being straight "for granted" though. To me, he is sending mixed signals, but i understand that is speculation on my part, and maybe wishful thinking because i want to see two possibly closeted gay guys find romance lol. i am a romantic. i know i was calling myself straight for many years, married and a total gay bottom at the same time. i was confused by my cultural conditioning, not lying. i thought it was a choice, etc. So it's easy for me to imagine your friend in a similar way, but it's still just imagination on my part. And yeah, i get the stress feelings too. i have a budding romance of my own going on right now and i fluctuate between being high as a kite and axniety. ❤️

Re point 1: i agree, it is hard to be a slut and refuse a load, but not impossible, even by your own speculative numbers, you are guessing that 30% of sluts would be able to do it. And those numbers are just just individual speculation, they are not substantiated "facts." Re point 2: i think you raise a good point about the stigma of STD's. i think stigma is part of the reason STD's are rampant. i'd love to see a society where we have a world get checked for STD's day, say, every threa months. Turn it into a social campaign and de-stigmatize STD's. That'll prolly only happen on Star Trek, but i can dream. But stigma is not part of the OP's question, nor do i think it's a factor of personal responsibility and maturity. If i have the flu or something else contagious that might make a guy sick, i'm still going to pass on having sex with Him until i am better. The point is me looking out for you as a socially responsible choice vs every man for himself. If i know i have a contagious disease, be it Covid or chlamydia, i do not want to pass it on to another guy, so i am gonna suck it up and abstain until i am better, then probably have make-up sex for a week after lol.

i'm not sure if it's a language barrier or __________?, but the OP question is not about taking personal responsibility for your own health, not about asking status, not about fear or concern over getting STD/STI from bareback. The question is not about any of those things, it's a simple question: You just went to the doctor/clinic and found out you have an STD/STI. You go to the pharmacy and get your antibiotics and have been told it'll take, say, 7 days to cure the STD/STI. Do you disregard that information and keep having sex? It's that simple. i take complete responsibility for my health, this is not a question about that . i'm pretty sure the guy who gave me HIV (and syphillis) lied about knowing his status. He was a regular FB and an awesome fuck. i do not blame him and was never angry at him, but that does not change the fact that i think he was immature, self centered and socially irresponsible. To me, to knowi you have a contagious STI and continue to lie and spread it (the is not about "chasing" or "gifting") that is at best childish and self centered, at worst sociopathic. Sort of like saying: "when i drive my car, i don't stop for people crossing the street. They know they are taking a risk they'll get hit by a car when they cross the street, it's not my responsibility, i'm just a 'trashy' driver." i do not believe knowingly spreading disease makes anyone a superior slut, i do not think it's related.

i love men. Seriously, i fucking love men. i don't know where it came from or why, but i feel like a guy crazy teen ager emotionally. i don't want to make guys sick, i want to give them pleasure, so if i know i'm sick, i abstain until i'm better.

i've received more cocks than i can count and cannot remember ever having ridden a man... the idea feels top to me and it just doesn't aline with my bottom wiring. It's not that i don't like being active and giving Him pleasure, i'm a cock sucker too and am usually the one doing all the work in that instance. i't feel perfectly right to be creating and giving Him pleasure that way. But i still don't feel in control with a cock in my mouth and down my throat... riding a cock would just feel to controlling to me.

The more i think about this, the more i think there is a bigger picture that is in play here and needs to be considered. If a guy likes a woman, he doesn't have to fear social disdain for liking women. He doesn't have to fear that the woman will get angry and reject him because he likes women and how dare he think that she could possibly be interested in men, in him. We don't think about it, but homophobia is alive and well. AlChemist has a professor, someone he works with and may even answer too who is openly homophobic, openly using pejorative labels when speaking about a gay person. It may be hard to relate to such deeply entrenched homophobia if one has always lived in a more progressive culture, so it's all to easy to side with the heteronormative response of 'man up,' but it isn't that simple. It takes a long time and a lot of money to become a doctor, establish a reputation that can be threatened by simply being honest and open. To me, the bigger picture is, it really sucks that you live in an environment where you have legitimate reason to be afraid. Where the authorities would not protect you if there was an assault on you because you are gay, where you fear openness because many of those you work with will treat you as less than, or worse, if they know you are gay.

The Greek culture has a long history of religious culture. The Greeks were at the hub of early Christianity, for instance, eh? Every place and country has its ethnocentricity's, and i think the ones that are the most frustrating or confusing are the ones we are not aware of. While you may "...have no opinion on how religious people should do their rituals," it's part of the culture you live in and it affects you and how you feel and think. You are afraid to be who you are living where you are. You were born in a different country, so you have extra cultural influence, yet you are still afraid to be openly gay for probably many known and unknown reasons. Fear is an emotional response, it's not rational, and it is governing an important part of your life, no? It seems reasonable to me to at least suspect that your friend is going to have similar fears, affecting and governing him. If he is sexually and/or romantically attracted to you, he is just as afraid of being open about that as you are... maybe more, maybe less. It seems revealing to me that even though you like this guy and are feeling romantic towards him, that even when he gave you several opportunities to support alternative ways of living (i.e., by telling you he is not into marriage, etc.) you supported cultural tradition instead of who and how you feel. You encouraged him to do the culturally acceptable thing and get married and have kids. Even though you have romantic feelings for this guy, you chose culture over your self... and maybe over his self as well? You may very well be two gay guys struggling to accept and be your self in a less than gay friendly culture.

Having come from a religious culture myself, i understand how it can keep one in the closet, and i sense that where you and your friend are is that kind of culture. From what you have written, my read is he may be gay and as afraid to be open about it as you are. The "Obvious reason of not having children and marrying" is him saying he "shouldn't" and "not into marriage." Instead of you responding to him how you see it, maybe ask him why he feels he should not get married and ask why he is not into marriage?

Again, want to lead with qualifying how speculative this discussion is overall. Not to suggest i think that is good or bad, just trying to put this in context. i believe where things can get dicey is when speculation is treated like knowledge or fact. That said. my read is part of the challenge here is culture and cultural differences. Two cultures, Greek, and the Greek medical culture, and more specifically the particular culture of the hospital where you work. For instance, the culture of the former hospital where i worked was different from the one where i work now. It was in a different state Virginia then vs Oregon now. Both were teaching hospitals, which makes a big difference. One was a 860 bed hospital, the other a 250 bed hospital. Then you mention a larger culture of religion, i am guessing Greek Orthodox?, that has deep and old roots and likely has lots of influence still. You mention in another post considering coming back to the US because of the cultural differences and imply you feel freer to be gay, who you are, in the US? The point is, we do not have your perspective. my feeling when i read your posts is there is a sort of cat and mouse game going on between you and this 'friend.' And that you are switching roles. I.e., sometimes he is the cat and you the mouse, sometimes you are the cat and he the mouse. This most recent get together, he seems to be fishing telling you that he will marry by the end of July (almost a year away), then tells you "he shouldn't," and that he is "not into marriage" and he "feels bad for her." To me, this sounds like fishing, and i could be wrong and reading this into this, but to me it reads like he wants you to give him a reason why he should not marry, Instead, you told him he should get married lol. To me, this would have been a good opportunity to say something like: "i'm not into marriage either" and "feeling sorry for her is not a good reason to get married." You are sending mixed signals. To me, he gave you opportunities to agree with him, and instead you give him arguments why he should marry lol. If he is gay and as nervous as you are and trying to figure out if you are gay, you didn't take the bait. Instead, you gave him reasons to still be afraid of telling you, if he happens to be gay or bi. my feeling is you may both be attracted to each other and both of you are afraid to be the first one to tell the other one they are attracted. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be. i still think you need to come out to this guy, but not at the same time you tell him you are attracted to him. i am just speculating, but It really seems to me you are both attracted to each other and that he is gay or bi and attracted to you, but both of you are afraid to tell the other? i think you need to find a way to tell him you are gay and it's getting harder for me to believe he doesn't already suspect or hope that you are gay. idk